I Look Forward To Seeing Them All

Ray's brother and sister-in-law (Scott and Mary Ellen) came in yesterday.  It is so nice to see them.  Scott reminds me so much of Ray it is nice to have him around. 

Last night Marguerite and I went to friends house for a BBQ/Dinner birthday party for Tony.  It was great being around wonderful friends and enjoying good conversations. 

I'm afraid that Amity may be taking a turn for the worse.  She had been eating quite well over the last several months, however this morning she didn't touch her food when I put it out.  Also, she has thrown up about six times already this morning.  I don't know what she could be throwing up as she hasn't even eaten yet.  I will try my best to make sure her last days are pleasant and that she doesn't suffer. 

It's a very, very busy week!  And, the house is FULL this weekend.  All eight rooms completely full.  Everyone is repeat!  YEAH!!!  I look forward to seeing them all.  - Jimmy

A Proper Good-bye

How do I start to explain my thoughts today?  I just went up to the "fourth floor" to give the cats some water.  I looked at the room and saw things Ray had placed there when he cleaned it up last year.  He was trying to make it look more cozy.  Then I thought....how can he be gone?  It is so wierd.  I live my life.  I have accepted his loss, but sometimes it is so unbelievable.  A person so full of life and such a huge part of my life is gone in an instant. 

As I've said before, I am so regretful for taking his presence in my life for granted.  After we were together for so many years I just took for granted the fact that he was there and didn't "REALLY" appreciate everything about him.  It is so easy to do.  I just accepted the false reality that he would be there until we got real old and we were prepared for death.  I will never do that about anybody again.  I'm not saying that I will go around with the thought that everybody around me may die tomorrow, but I won't take people's presence in my life for granted.  I want to appreciate everything about the people in my life.  Why didn't I learn this lesson sooner?  I look at pictures of Ray and just want to be with him one more time.  To say a proper good-bye.  That is impossible I know, but I do know that Ray was a positive influence on my life.  I love him.  - Jimmy

I Guess It Must Really Work

Wow, I've hardly written this week.  It's been a busy week.  Lots of guests, which means lots of room cleaning, breakfast, dishes and laundry.  I had grief counseling this week.  And...I traded in my Mazda 3 for a Ford F-150!  It is the vehicle of my dreams!!  I have wanted this truck for years. 

I've had a good week emotionally.  Last week was a little rough, as you may know from my posts.  However, I was off my anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication for about five days (my fault for not refilling the prescription).  But, I'm back on it and I guess it must really work! 

This week was the first time since January 3 (other than my spring trip with my mom) that I missed a day going to the cemetery.  I knew the day would come that at the end of the day I would realize I had forgotton to go due to being so busy.  That happened twice this week...Monday and Tuesday.  On Thursday I just decided that I didn't feel like going, so I didn't   I talked with my grief counselor about this and what my feelings were about not going.  I'm working through it.  Grief counseling has been a wonderful source of help and encouragement for me.  I am so thankful I decided to go. 

Amity is still stable.  I guess she may be in remission.  Absolutely no changes.  She is still very skinny, but not getting worse. 

I am sitting on the porch as I type in my blog.  It is a beautiful, sunny, breezy day.  Moscow is sitting right next to me on the wicker couch. 

Ray and I would usually make a trip up north to Traverse City and Mackinac Island every year in mid-September.  It was "our" break from the busy summer and time to recharge our batteries.  I just could not do it this year.  Too many memories.  Maybe next year.  However, Marguerite and I are going to go to Key West in September.  Not a bad vacation destination!  I just wanted to go somewhere where I could enjoy the sun and beach.  My guests get to do that here all summer and I wanted a chance to do that.  I know I live in a vacation destination, but it's not the same.  I am always "on call."  So, it will be nice to veg out and do nothing while someone else is taking care of me!  I have a lot planned this fall, winter and spring.  With the Key West trip, Austria in November and the cruise with my mom in March/April I will be quite busy travelling. 

Well, that's my update today.  I miss you Ray!  - Jimmy

My Ray

January 2008 - Onboard Caribbean Princess

Ups and downs in an instant.

That is how I have been feeling lately.  I can be on a complete "high" and then drop in an instant and come close to being right back.  The other night I had the lovely opportunity of being part of a guest's surprise birthday party.  Mark threw an intimate gathering together to surprise his partner Steve for his 47th birthday.   (Steve celebrated his 27th birthday at the Kirby House....well before Ray and I owned it!)  It was so fun to lie to Steve about what was going on in order to make the surprise happen.  I had a fantastic time.  After dinner at Clearbrook we went to their friend's house on Lake Michigan to watch the sunset.  We walked down the steps to the gorgeous beach.  The waves came in reminiscent of any pristine ocean beach.  It hit me like a brick.  It was Ray's dream of owning a home on Lake Michigan.  And I could hear him saying "we could have this one day."  He would have LOVED it!  I just "lost" it.  I had to go for a walk on my own so I could let my tears flow and my heart release itself.  I sat alone on the beach and just cried.  I composed myself and came back to "normal." 

My day went on normal yesterday.  I was looking for some documents when I came across a card from Ray dated December 28, 2009.  The enveloped was addressed to "My James."  I hadn't see it since that day and completely forgot about it.  It was so lovely.  It was a "thank you" card for taking care of him.  He stated that he would "make it up to me" once he got better, "and I will" he wrote.  I can't even believe he thought he had to "make it up to me."  There was nothing that needed to be reciprocated for.  Another time for a cry.  I recovered quickly though...yet again.  I think it's good timing for seeing my grief counselor again on Thursday!  My parent's anniversary. 

I have to believe these moments are moments of healing for me.  Moments of release.  Slowly letting the pain out.  But NEVER letting go of "My Ray."  - Jimmy

Now I'm Just "Jim"

Hello to Patrick - who I met tonight.  It was a pleasure meeting you. 

Patrick lost his partner in April of this year.  He has been reading my blog and understands the feelings he is having are a lot the same as mine.

Marguerite and I went to a fund raiser this evening.  That is where I was introduced to Patrick by my dear friend Philip (from Amity Street).  Philip organized a table for a group of us.  Dinner, music, drinks and dancing.  Also a silent and live auction.  It was done very nicely.  Classy and organized.  However...I felt out of place.  Many, many "locals" were there.  I just felt out of my element.  For 21 years I was defined as "Jim and Ray" or...."Ray and Jim."  Tonight I was "Jim."  I'm uncomfortable walking around as an individual.  It seems odd I know.  But, for 21 years there was this comfort level of having Ray by my side.  We could mingle and if no one was around that we knew we could still chat with each other.  Now what do I do?  Walk around like an idiot by myself.?  Hard to explain.  Very hard to explain.  So I just sat at the table all night until time to go.  It was great to see Nita and Teresa, Michael and Todd, Dave Hulst, Jim and Dave, and of course everyone at my table.  And more of course.  I appreciate all of their kindness.

Well, it is now Sunday morning.  Time for me to lay on the couch and watch the second court hearing on Judge Judy I missed today.  - Jimmy

Visiting Grief

Wiley and me out by the pool.  Picture taken by Marguerite.

As I watched the beginning of the TODAY show this morning I noticed the date, August 20.  I began to think about how much I've gone through over the last seven and eight months.  I decided to look at my blog from Decmeber 20 and January 20.  As I read the December 20 blog (eight months ago today) I broke down.  I cried very hard because at that moment I totally relived that day.  It was a "positive" blog.  Things looked "good."  I had no idea what two weeks later would hold for me.  I forwarded to January 20.  A cold, dreary winter day, the sun trying to peek out.  Again, reliving the moments of seven months ago.  Crying.  I needed the release. 

Sometimes I can't cry anymore.  I want to.  That seems odd.  Conflicting feelings.  I feel bad that when I think of Ray, and miss him, I can't cry.  Why?  Have I become used to the loss of him?  Has the reality fully sunk in?  I guess it's kind of like when you buy a new car.  You can't wait to drive it.  Drive it everywhere.  The excitement of getting in it and showing it off.  Then, after several months, that excitement level goes down and you become used to it.  The thrill is gone.  Am I used to the fact that Ray is no longer here and the emotions have leveled off?  Maybe that is part of the healing process.  The pain is not so strong anymore, but at times I want it to be.  It's odd, because in the beginning I wanted nothing more than the pain to be gone and now I somewhat miss it.  Maybe I feel guilty that I don't feel such pain.  So, today's cry (a pretty heavy personal cry) was needed.

I share these thoughts as somewhat of a release for me.  A log of my feelings, emotions, healing process and daily activities.  I also share them for those who wish to follow along in my journey.  I don't obsess all day about how I feel.  I don't have time.  However, when I am alone and have time to ponder, it is then that I asess how I feel.  I need that.  I need to gauge how I feel each day.  I need to see where I am at and what I need to do. 

I've heard that crying releases toxins from the body.  I don't know if that is true or not, but it was still a great release for me this morning.  - Jimmy

P.S.  Oh, the pictures I got developed were photos I took of guest rooms to scan and put on the web.  BORING!!  Maybe I'll find some more film yet undeveloped.

NFL!?!?

OMG...am I actually watching NFL?!  It is a nice background noise that makes me think of Raymond.

A Psychology Class Experiment?

I'm blogging in one of my favorite spots.  On the wicker couch on the front porch.  It is a beautiful evening and Marg and I are going to have (chicken) Italian sausage with sauteed onions and green pepper, sweet corn on the cob, and spaetzle.  Yummmo!

I ordered shopping bags with the Kirby House logo and website address.  These are the kind of bags you get for the grocery store so you don't have to use those god-aweful plastic bags (which are made with oil).  The bags came today and I thought it would be a good idea to bring 60 of them (with a brochure inside) to the sidewalk sale in Saugatuck and Douglas and pass them out free.  Our experience could have been a project for a psychology class.  At first we said "Would you like a free shopping bag?"  Most responses were "no" and a fast paced walk away.  Hmmmm.  Ok, let's change it to "complimentary" and there were some takers.  Then I changed it to "Would you like a free shopping bag compliments of the Kirby House."  A little more interest.  By the time we got to Saugatuck I changed "shopping bag" to "tote bag" so now the question was "Would you like a free tote bag compliments of the Kirby House."  BAM!  That worked on most.  What we found is that most people seemed to think there was a "catch."  Or maybe they thought we would then try to sell them something or talk about something.  Marguerite approached two ladies and they practically fell down tripping over each other trying to ignor her and change their course of travel.  I think they were probably from Detroit or Chicago and thought "Oh no!  Here is a homeless person asking us for money."  It was an interesting experience and shows how suspicious people are when you are nice to them.  I just thought it would be good advertising.  Even if they never stay here...there were 60 bags on the shoulders of 60 people at the sidewalk sale advertising The Kirby House.  Let's see how many copy me next year. 

I've felt good (emotionally) today.  Tomorrow night Marguerite and I may go to Everyday People Cafe (EPC) and eat appetizers out back and listen to Libby York.  She is an AWESOME jazz singer Ray and I met a few years ago at EPC.  She even came for breakfast one morning.  I got an email from her about the dates she was singing there and tomorrow is one of the nights.  Her website is http://www.libbyyork.com/. 

God bless.  - Jimmy

I Will Let You Know

I miss Ray  What's new?  Most times I just totally regret getting to a point in our relationship where I took for granted he was there.  I will admit that.  Our relationship was far from perfect and I was not the perfect "spouse."  Oh, we loved each other dearly, but when the daily routines take over your life over the years it is easy to start to take your significant other for granted.  By that I mean one just assumes they will always be there....at least until we grow very old and are ready to die.  How I would just love to hold his hand right now, put my arm around him once more, smell him, and cuddle.  I'm getting teary as I write this.  I don't think anyone can EVERY truly understand this until they have lost their spouse/significant other.

Yesterday I booked a cruise for my mother and me!  It will be in March.  It is a 10 day Caribbean cruise with ports such as Aruba, Dominica, Granada, St. Thomas, Bahamas, etc.  It is on the Star Princess.  This is the same ship Ray and I first took our cruise.  In fact, I was able to book the exact room we were in:  B222.  It is on the Baha Deck, room 222.  I remember when we took our first cruise I picked that room from the choices because I would remember it (thinking of "Room 222" which only those over 40 would even remember).  It will be so nice to be in the exact same room we were in.  Knowing that Ray was there, touched door handles, etc.  Maybe it sounds wierd, but it will be like a nice connection to him. 

I found two rolls of film today.  I have NO idea what was on them.  I took them to the Walgreen's in Grandville and had them developed.  I have not looked at them yet, but Marguerite and I are making cocktails and we are going to look at them.  Maybe they are just pictures of guest rooms, or maybe they are some fun pictures.  I will let you know.  - Jimmy

Pleasant Findings

I went to the doctor's this morning for my six month check up.  Everything looked great...even my blood pressure!  He said if I keep things up like this I should be running the bed and breakfast fine at age 75.  I told him that I hoped not, I would rather be retired in the tropics.  A pleasant find that I am doing well health wise.

This morning's breakfast preparation was crazy!  Since I didn't get back from the doctor's until about 9:15 it was rush, rush, rush.  Marguerite and I were whirling around the kitchen, pantry and dining room like a tornado!  But, breakfast was served exactly at 10:00 - right on time.  Ray would be so proud.  The guests loved the vegetable latkes.

I made about 70 vegetable latkes, 48 of them were to freeze for future breakfasts.  After I put them in the basement freezer I was looking at a storage shelf and noticed a small daily planner.  I opend it and saw that it was Ray's.  It was from 1996 and he had kept daily notes about things.  There weren't entries every day, but on many days.  That was the year Ray left The Lark and went to Tribute.  It was the year we bought the Saugatuck condo.  It was the year (as I was reminded by the notes) that I bought my Honda Accord and my mom and brother moved out of our childhood home in Detroit.  It was a walk down memory lane...another pleasant finding.

I am sitting on the front porch.  Relaxing.  The temperature and humidity are great.  It is nice to be able to actually enjoy being outdoors again.

Last night a guest of ours (photographer Mark Brown) took Marguerite and I out to dinner at Clearbrook.  We ate outside.  We ordered four appetizers and shared them between us.  We made our own Tapas dinner.  It was so nice.  The blueberry pizza appetizer is amazing.  Their chef created a truly unique and wonderful plate with that one.

I can tell it's getting later in the season.  As I looked at pictures of me taken by Mark, I can see how tired my eyes look.  I need a few good days of pure rest.  Maybe late September I will be able to.  That is when Ray and I would take our trip up north.  We'd spend one night in Traverse City and then head up to Mackinac Island.  We stayed on the Island at the Hotel Iroquois for three nights.  It always rejuvenated us for the remainder of the season.

I feel good today.   - Jimmy

Moving Forward

I am moving forward, but I'm going at about the same pace as summer tourists in downtown Saugatuck looking for a place to park.  I'm not quite on the Autobahn and don't think I'll ever get there.  I get sad at times.  Especially those times when I can sit and think.  Then all those things run through my mind. 

As I've said many times...."I have been blessed."  This last weekend Marguerite's daughter and boyfriend, Shannon and Matt, were here.  They helped out so much!  Setting the tables, doing dishes (dishes and more dishes), watering, hammering in boards that were loose or off in the kitchen, on and on.  It gave me a chance to actually spend some quality time at the pool.  As I laid there thinking, I could just picture Ray coming down to the pool after watering the plants or cooking and sitting next to me...with a dozen crossword puzzles from the newspaper and a cocktail.  He would be working on at least a dozen at a time and ask me to answer clues if he couldn't get it.  Of course I am horrible at crosswords and I would tell him that if he couldn't get it surely I wouldn't be able to.  However, once in a while he would say "Oh, here's a Bible one...you should get this" and usually I would.  I have saved a pile of those puzzles.  Some are finished, some are just started and some about halfway done.  I will never toss those puzzles.

We both loved our afternoon cocktails at the pool.  It was a time when we could sit next to each other and enjoy what we accomplished in life.  We would talk about business, future vacations, dinner plans, breakfast menus, and our dreams.  He still said he wanted to own a home on Lake Michigan one day.  I always told him we could never afford it, especially after "retirement."  His answer was always "you've gotta dream."  He was right.  I should have lived his dream with him.  I feel so bad that I didn't just live that dream.  Even if I thought it would never happen....what harm could it have done to talk about it like it would be a reality some day.  We dreamed of owning the Kirby House for a year and a half and NEVER thought of that as being a reality. 

The humidity has finally dropped.  Today is a perfect day.  Perfect.  The sky is perfectly blue.  The temperature is perfect.  The breeze is perfect.  How could it be any better? 

Those are my thoughts for today.  - Jimmy

Hard to Accept

I have a new life.  It is hard to accept.  I don't want to accept it.  I want my old life back.  I am now using Ray's set of keys as my own.  It somehow helps me feel a connection to him.  When I was using them today I looked at  the "Ritz Carlton Keychain" (a souvenir he received when he was part of the Ritz's opening team in Dearborn, Michigan) and the loss of him hit me in the face like a soaking wet towel.  The keys are a connection but also a dose of reality. 

Today I read from my daily meditations for working through grief.  Sometimes when I can't even express to myself how I feel - I find my feelings expressed for me in these daily readings.  Today's reading hit so close to my heart that I wanted to share it.  I have edited it somewhat and put it in first person.

"There is no way out, only a way forward." - Michael Hollings

"Is there no relief from this wound? I wonder.  "Is there nowhere I can go to turn aside, to get away?"

What I would like to do, often, is go back.  Go back before the illness.

But that world no longer exists.  My grief experience is a watershed and it has cut me off forever from the world which now seems so simple and almost idyllic (though I know better) - the life I knew with Ray, the life Before This Happened.

Still I keep trying, remembering, wishing until the thought pattern is established in my brain:  this is my world now; this is what my life is like.

Convinced, bit by bit, I try going forward - into a new sense of time and relationships, including a new relationship with Ray, and a new relationship with myself.

My other available choice is to stand still, and I try it for a while.  But I know I will turn to stone if I let that happen.  No, I must keep moving, and in the ONLY direction that is open to me - forward.  Forward into new land, into unknown adventure, unknown territory.

I stand at the threshold of new life.  What will I do?  I can stand still.  Or I can go forward.  Those are my choices.

# # #

But, I don't want to do that.  I don't want a new life.  A new life means the acceptance of the reality of Ray's death.  I know this reality.  I know I have to go forward...I just don't want to.  I laugh.  I cry.  I perform my daily duties and routines.  I'm moving forward....but it's a long road.  - Jimmy

Moscow Takes A Drink

Here is Moscow's new "thing."  Drinking from the outdoor fountain.  There are 10 fish in there.  It must be tasty to her.

Ray's Message

This morning I was cleaning out my voice mail messages on the business phone.  I went back far enough to the first message.  It was from December 2009.  It was Ray calling to tell me he was being released from the hospital and soon "we will be home together!"  I listened to it about three times.  Of course it made me cry.  It sounded like he was right there talking to me over the phone.  It was awesome and sad at the same time.  I cherish having that message.

It's overcast right now but there is finally a decent breeze.  It doesn't feel AS humid as it has been.  When the weather gets more tolerable I will give my apartment a good cleaning.  It needs it bad but it's just been too busy and too hot and humid. 

My thoughts today are somewhat sad...but that's "ok."  - Jimmy

New Blog

Today I am starting a new blog page.  I believe this will allow people to post comments to my blogs.  I have had some people ask me how they can post and I wasn't able to offer that option before.  So, now I believe I can.  I hope to hear from you. 

Marguerite's daughter and boyfriend, Shannon and Matt, are here for a visit.  And, they are helping out too!  It's awesome to have so much help around here!

It is so hot out that my windows are fogged up.  The temperature is supposed to moderate some in the next couple days.

I slept upstairs last night.  The cats were sooo happy. 

When I look at pictures of Ray now I seem to have this feeling of disbelief that he is gone.  The feelings have changed.  It's almost like I'm in denial right now.  The emotional feeling have levels and now it's kind of just disbelief.  This life changing experience is quite a road travelled.  I'll check back in later.  Breakfast is awaiting.  - Jimmy