Visiting Grief

Wiley and me out by the pool.  Picture taken by Marguerite.

As I watched the beginning of the TODAY show this morning I noticed the date, August 20.  I began to think about how much I've gone through over the last seven and eight months.  I decided to look at my blog from Decmeber 20 and January 20.  As I read the December 20 blog (eight months ago today) I broke down.  I cried very hard because at that moment I totally relived that day.  It was a "positive" blog.  Things looked "good."  I had no idea what two weeks later would hold for me.  I forwarded to January 20.  A cold, dreary winter day, the sun trying to peek out.  Again, reliving the moments of seven months ago.  Crying.  I needed the release. 

Sometimes I can't cry anymore.  I want to.  That seems odd.  Conflicting feelings.  I feel bad that when I think of Ray, and miss him, I can't cry.  Why?  Have I become used to the loss of him?  Has the reality fully sunk in?  I guess it's kind of like when you buy a new car.  You can't wait to drive it.  Drive it everywhere.  The excitement of getting in it and showing it off.  Then, after several months, that excitement level goes down and you become used to it.  The thrill is gone.  Am I used to the fact that Ray is no longer here and the emotions have leveled off?  Maybe that is part of the healing process.  The pain is not so strong anymore, but at times I want it to be.  It's odd, because in the beginning I wanted nothing more than the pain to be gone and now I somewhat miss it.  Maybe I feel guilty that I don't feel such pain.  So, today's cry (a pretty heavy personal cry) was needed.

I share these thoughts as somewhat of a release for me.  A log of my feelings, emotions, healing process and daily activities.  I also share them for those who wish to follow along in my journey.  I don't obsess all day about how I feel.  I don't have time.  However, when I am alone and have time to ponder, it is then that I asess how I feel.  I need that.  I need to gauge how I feel each day.  I need to see where I am at and what I need to do. 

I've heard that crying releases toxins from the body.  I don't know if that is true or not, but it was still a great release for me this morning.  - Jimmy

P.S.  Oh, the pictures I got developed were photos I took of guest rooms to scan and put on the web.  BORING!!  Maybe I'll find some more film yet undeveloped.