My Ray

January 2008 - Onboard Caribbean Princess

Ups and downs in an instant.

That is how I have been feeling lately.  I can be on a complete "high" and then drop in an instant and come close to being right back.  The other night I had the lovely opportunity of being part of a guest's surprise birthday party.  Mark threw an intimate gathering together to surprise his partner Steve for his 47th birthday.   (Steve celebrated his 27th birthday at the Kirby House....well before Ray and I owned it!)  It was so fun to lie to Steve about what was going on in order to make the surprise happen.  I had a fantastic time.  After dinner at Clearbrook we went to their friend's house on Lake Michigan to watch the sunset.  We walked down the steps to the gorgeous beach.  The waves came in reminiscent of any pristine ocean beach.  It hit me like a brick.  It was Ray's dream of owning a home on Lake Michigan.  And I could hear him saying "we could have this one day."  He would have LOVED it!  I just "lost" it.  I had to go for a walk on my own so I could let my tears flow and my heart release itself.  I sat alone on the beach and just cried.  I composed myself and came back to "normal." 

My day went on normal yesterday.  I was looking for some documents when I came across a card from Ray dated December 28, 2009.  The enveloped was addressed to "My James."  I hadn't see it since that day and completely forgot about it.  It was so lovely.  It was a "thank you" card for taking care of him.  He stated that he would "make it up to me" once he got better, "and I will" he wrote.  I can't even believe he thought he had to "make it up to me."  There was nothing that needed to be reciprocated for.  Another time for a cry.  I recovered quickly though...yet again.  I think it's good timing for seeing my grief counselor again on Thursday!  My parent's anniversary. 

I have to believe these moments are moments of healing for me.  Moments of release.  Slowly letting the pain out.  But NEVER letting go of "My Ray."  - Jimmy