We Will Be Busy

What a day!  Work, work, work.  It was non-stop.  Kitchen is finished being painted...well a small spot not painted but covered by cabinets...I'll get to that later, the guests won't notice.  (Unless they read this.)

Working non-stop helps keep the mind occupied.  When I stop at the end of the day I start to think...and I hate that. 

My mom and my two nieces are coming here from Detroit next Tuesday.  I can't wait!  I am so excited to show them a good time.  I like to have the girls experience something totally different from what they are used to in Detroit.

I've got a full house this weekend....we will be busy!  - Jimmy

Soooooo Bad!

Something has gone wrong with my internet.  I don't know if it's the modem, router or what.  I spend most of the day trying to figure it out. 

I miss Ray sooo much.  I wnt to Marguerite's condo tonight with Drew for dinner.  It was so great.  Wonderful food.  I saw pictures of Ray and heard music that made me so sentimental.  I wish my life was like it was two years ago...soooo bad...... - Jimmy

I've Accepted It

I got my haircut from Kelly on Thursday.  I guess God must have known I was ready for it.  I handled it well (emotionally).  Kelly understood why it was so hard for me to go to her for my haircut.  It felt right though.  I'm making progress.  A year ago I would never have been able to do that.

Last night I had a dream.  I had a dream that Ray and I bought a new house.  Well....we were about to sign the purchase agreement.  There were many other details in the dream which don't really have any reason to be written about in the blog.  However, Ray was not actually in my dream.  He was just "part" of the dream, as it was him and I who were buying this home.  Interesting.

I feel good this morning.  The sun is out.  My cats are here with me.  Drew is here.  Life moves on.  As much as I wanted it to STOP over the last year and a half...it won't.  You have to keep going on with it.  It takes a long time to accept that.  I've accepted it, but I'm not happy about it.  - Jimmy

Happy With An Asterisk

Tears.  That is how I wake this morning.  I am missing Ray so much.  As I mentioned in an earlier blog, the pain is not so great now, I just really, really miss him.  Today, the pain is there. 

I was thinking of getting a haircut today.  I have been going to a "new" person since Ray died.  Ray and I went to the same girl for years.  The last time she cut our hair was two days before his surgery.  I was thinking of going to her today or tomorrow but everytime I think about it I shake inside and start to cry.  The last time I walked up the stairs to her salon Ray was alive.  As I left he was coming in for his haircut and I was leaving to go sub for kindergarden in Holland.  It was December 9th.  It was a terribly snowy day.  I drove the Cadillac to school and it was almost out of gas.  I stopped to get gas and the gas cap door was frozen shut.  Fortunately I made it to and from school without running out of gas.  That was the night Ray's brother and sister-in-law (Scott and Mary Ellen) came in.  It was also the day I started this blog.  Needless to say, I have some trepidation about going in to get a haircut from her.  Maybe it's the next step I need to do.  I can't guarantee that I won't cry if I do go.  If she has no appointments available, then I will know it's God's way of saying I'm not ready to take this step.  Who knew that getting a haircut would be such a traumatic experience for someone. 

Another step.  Yesterday Marguerite, Drew and I got the third floor rooms complete for "selling."  I met with my financial consultant in January and he told me that I had to sell those rooms if I wanted to try to survive this economy.  I need the revenue.  I would say "income" but I don't really make any income, at least not these days.  I am surviving.  Anyway, Marguerite got an apartment about a mile from me and I wanted to get the rooms available by June 1st, so I told Marguerite that I needed them available by May 1st so I could have a month to get them ready.  I had the house booked for June 22 and 23, so I HAD to get them ready by then.  I finally got the new bed, new mattress, lamps, etc., and the rooms are done.  It was a lot of work.  We did it though.  Another step.  With only having the six rooms to sell last year, it will be a lot busier with eight rooms booked. Sixteen (plus) people now at breakfast again. 

On Tuesday I got the air-conditioners put in the apartment.  I have an air-conditioner for the main rooms (kitchen and living room) and an air-conditioner for the bedroom.  Last year I didn't put the air-conditioner in for the main rooms.  It was so "friggin" hot and humid in there.  However, I didn't spend much time in those spaces, only in the bedroom.  It is nice to have the cool air in all the rooms this years.  Another step...living a normal life.

I move on.  But I move on with a lot of little steps and a hole that is still in my heart.  I can say that I am happy, but happy with an asterisk. - Jimmy

Ups and Downs

We all had a great time at the race Sunday.  Surprisingly, there was NO traffic to/and from the race.  Jeff Gordon came in 17th.  Denny Hamlin won.  I never saw my sister-in-law, Pam, so excited in her life.  She screamed and yelled with a big smile the entire race.

I picked up Drew and Karlene at the train station last night.  Marguerite joined me.  I dropped Karlene off at her nephew's apartment in Holland and Drew and I came back to the house.  Drew is spending a few months here.  It will be good for him to get into a daily routine.  He is going through some personal things and his good friend Karlene and I thought it would be good for him to get into a daily routine and schedule.  It will help occupy his mind. 

I have a full house (all EIGHT) rooms on Wednesday and Thursday.  So, I have to get the two third floor rooms complete by tomorrow.  So, today I am going to get what I need to do that (a new mattress, bedding, etc.). 

I feel good today.  Actually, I've felt really good the last couple days...ups and downs.  -  Jimmy

I Learned From Him

Whew...I've been busy for the last few days.  Working until 9:00 at night now is not uncommon.  It is so wierd.  In the winter I am practically in bed by 9:00.  In the summer it isn't dark until 10:30.  I printed up brochures for my winter events.  I need to really "push" those as they help get me through the winter...financially. 

I went for a walk yesterday.  I was listening to my iPod as I walked.  I listened to songs that reminded me of Ray so much.  I got very sentimental.  I had tears in my eyes.  There were a couple times that my emotions ran through my body so strong I literally thought I was going to pass out.  I get that feeling a lot.  It is so strong my body almost loses all control and I think I am going to fall over.  Sometimes I wish I would.  I wish I would just drop. 

I am so excited about going to the NASCAR race tomorrow.  THANK YOU Marguerite and Shannon (for taking care of breakfast for me)!!!  Yesterday I made potato salad and fried chicken legs.  Got all my gear ready...seat cushions, cooler, food, chairs for tail-gating, race headphones, etc.  My friend Kelly is going with us.  I asked Tony but he replied "no" immediately when I asked if he wanted to go.  It will be sooo fun.  Four of us in my truck heading to the race.  I will be a total red-neck tomorrow.  Especially with my truck!!  Well, my truck is actually way too nice to be red-neck, but I'll make all the red-neck's jealous with my beautiful truck!  I degress....

I got my lawn cut last night.  It looks so great.  I've been keeping it treated just like Ray would.  I didn't realize how much I really learned from Ray.  So much of my cooking skills are from watching him.  Taking care of the lawn I learned from him.  And, truly enjoying life I learned from him.  I leared a great deal of quality life styles from Ray.  I miss him.  I miss him so much. - Jimmy

Enjoy It!

I had a good week so far.  Went to the outlet mall in Michigan City yesterday with Marguerite.  Today my brother and sister-in-law (Rich and Pam) checked in.  It's so great to see family. 

Cleaning goes on.  Today I conquered my "office."  It is a coat closet under the main stairs.  Other's call it "Harry Potter's bedroom."  I tossed and tossed and tossed stuff.  This year is my year of purging!  I am ready to get rid of "crap" and live in less clutter.

My sister-in-law follows Jeff Gordon's twitters.  Every week she twitters back to try to win tickets to a NASCAR race.  Today she WON!!!  She won five tickets to the Michigan race!  I am going!!!  YEAH!!!  Marguerite and her daughter, Shannon, will take care of breakfast Sunday so I can go!  I am so excited.  I am taking advantage of the opportunities that come to my life now.  When I see an opportunity I try to go for it.  Life is so short.  Enjoy it.  Enjoy it. - Jimmy

Enjoying the Day

I miss Ray.  Yes, I know...what is new?  I'm blogging about this today because I realized that the feelings and emotions that go with this are different than they were a year ago.  A year ago I suffered the absolute pain of his loss.  I grieved deep in my heart when I thought about him.  I was so sad.  I hurt in my heart.  Today I miss him like one would if their spouse was gone for a long, long, long time.  The hurt isn't as bad, but I miss his presence and tear up at times.  There isn't such strong pain and suffering in my heart and soul.  My grief counselor advised me of these steps, however I didn't truly believe her at the time.  I always thought "that won't be me!"

I have a card Ray gave to me on December 28, 2009.  I have only shared it with Marguerite.  I thought I would share his sentiments here since I am thinking about him (as always) and am missing him so much right now.

Front of the envelope:  "My James"

Inside the card:  "Honey, Thank you for all your kind, warm and caring ways.  There is no way I could make it without you  You are truly my brightest star - the stronger side of me.  When I get better 'and I will' I will truly make all this hard work and sacrifice up to you.  I love you.  Ray"

It was the last card (or note) I ever received from him.  I told him he was not a burden.  He thought so.  My care for him is what ANYBODY would do for someone who they truly were IN LOVE WITH.  I don't know if I could ever have that deep love for someone again.  I can truly say that when I first saw Ray it was love at first sight.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would even talk to him, let alone be with him for 21 years!  NEVER!  But I persisted.  I would walk (or drive) by his house everyday until eventually he must have thought I was a stalker and we said "hi."  From there our relationship grew.

Yesterday was a big day!  After cleaning rooms Marguerite and I went out to the "shed" next to the house and did a big purging.  We threw out probably 90% of what was in there.  Tons of stuff Ray would not throw out.  Old stuff from his dad (not good tools or anything, but old rusted stuff, old pots, etc.).  The dumpster is full.  I had to call to have them come and make a second pick-up this week.  Then I can throw more stuff out before Friday's regular pick-up.  It looks so great in there. 

Today is a beautiful day.  The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the temperature is about mid 60's - very tolerable.  I'm enjoyiing the day.  -  Jimmy

Music, Restaurants, Dinner and Friends

Music.  I've written about this before.  I have a hard time listening to songs from the past.  Music has always played an important role in my life.  I can hear a song and tell you when it was popular and what was going on in my life at the time.  So, when I hear songs from the 21 years Ray and I were together I can get very emotional.  New songs don't bother me, they don't bring back any memories of Ray.  Today I was in my car and listening to a song which was popular when we were living in Royal Oak.  I teared up so hard.  I pictured us living in Royal Oak and me coming home from the store, the sun shining and Ray working in the yard.  It seemed like a simpler life.  I know it wasn't.  At the time we had struggles, hardships, jobs, bills, etc.  But when I look back it just seems so much more simple.  Today I wanted that time back.  I wanted to escape to 1995 and be living in Royal Oak with everything "normal."

Restaurants.  These too are challenging to me.  When I've gone with Drew to restaurants that Ray and I frequented I have a difficult time.  Everyday People Cafe is the worst.  I do good at Clearbrook and Wild Dog.  Ray and I ate there too, but not often.  So there are dim memories.  The new restaurants Drew and I have been going to in Grand Rapids have no sentimental meaning to me, so I can be just perfect.  No hang ups I guess. 

Dinner.  I'm back to eating dinner alone.  Drew is in Chicago, Marguerite is in Detroit and Friedl and I are taking a break.  Last night I was going to make dinner for Friedl and invited Marguerite.  They both ended up not wanting to eat.  So, I thawed one of Ray's last Thanksgiving dinners he made in 2009.  To be honest, it was horrible.  It was in the freezer so long it just didn't have any great flavor.  However, I enjoyed it.  I ate it knowing he made this dinner with his own hands and even packged it up for the freezer with his own hands.  Tonight I think I will make the ribs I bought for last night's dinner.  I'll just have tons of left overs.

Friends.  As I always say, I am so thankful for my friends.  Yesterday I was sitting on the front porch and Tony and Kelly stopped by.  They said they saw me sitting here and pulled in.  How nice is that?  It's nice to have such great friends who keep tabs on me.  My friend Candy keeps tabs on me to see how I'm doing and keep a fire under me about writing in my blog.  I've been surrounded by so many people that it seems kind of odd tonight to be home alone (except for the guests...who are not here now either).  -  Jimmy

Guess Who's Drinking the Cocktails?

A friend of mine called today and stated that I hadn't blogged in a while.  The thing is, I don't forget...I just put it off.  I think about it and what I will post, but put it off until "later."  "Later" never comes.  She said "I know you're busy this time of year."  But that's not it either.  I did it last year, just about EVERY day.  However, I think writing the blog was way more therapeutical for me last year.

"Trust you me" (as Ray would always say) I have my moments of grief and pain.  However, it is not the same as last year.  I feel so much more normal now.  I was looking at a picture of Ray and his sister Susie yesterday.  I showed it to Marguerite.  It was taken probably about a year before I met him.  He was wearing a t-shirt he wore on our first outing to Greenfield Village and a pair of shorts.  He was tan and had the greatest legs.  Damn, they were so hot.  That was ONE of the things I loved about him...those legs of his.  It was from all the years of marching band.  I degress....my point is that when I was looking at that picture I felt a lot of emotions well up in me.  I guess I am glad Marguerite was there or I may have broken down. 

After that we went to Wild Dog.  I wanted to treat Marguerite out for a birthday dinner.  Her birthday was June 1st but she was in Colorado at the time and just got back here Tuesday.  We had a really good time last night.  We had our usual appetizer of calamari.

My oven has been acting up.  I will have a few things in the oven and one is hot, another is cold, and another is warm.  It has had 14 years of major use.  Titanic dinners, breakfasts, pastries, desserts, Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving dinners...on and on.  So I finally broke down and bought a new oven at Menard's.  It is stainless steel, two ovens, five burners and it is convection.  Ray would have LOVED it!!!  So sorry he can't use it.

Well, I'm off to dinner at Friedl's.  We're going to sit on her balcony/deck and look at Lake Kalamazoo while we drink wine/cocktails.  (Guess who's drining the cocktails?)  - Jimmy  

How Much More I Would Have Enjoyed Life

Today I heard someone say "if you feel pain you know you are alive."  This was someone who went through a very major surgery and woke feeling pain.  It's true.  If you feel pain, you know you are alive. 

There are many things that make you know you are alive.  Smell is one of those things.  The things I smell remind me most of past experiences.  Most of those wonderful.  A hot, humid mid-summer night...I take a deep inhale and it reminds me of summer vacations with the family when I was a child.  The smell of the inside cabinets of my (built in) dining room buffet smells like the front coat closet at my grandma's house.  And during the summertime, even the faint smell of a cigarette far away makes me think of being at a summer fair when I was little.  There is a farm near hear that I pass when going to and from Holland.  One time my mom was with me when we passed it.  I proclaimed, "Yuck!  That cow manure stinks!"  As to which my mom replied "I love that smell, it makes me think of spending the summer at my grandpa's farm." 

Touch makes you know you are alive.  One of the things I have missed most with Ray's passing is the cuddling we did in bed before or after sleep.  I have that now again with Drew in my life.  Maybe that is one of the reasons I feel so alive again.  Human touch has such a healing power.

When the woman who woke with pain stated how it made her know she was are alive she realized that the pain was better than the alternative.  I've take so much for granted in my life.  It's a shame I didn't have the life experiences in my 20's that I do know.  How much more I would have enjoyed life.  -  Jimmy

Six Feet Away

Today looks to be a great day.  The sun is shining, the temperatures are perfect.  I hope to get a little time out at the pool.

Yesterday was beautiful too.  After doing breakfast and cleaning rooms, Drew and I went into Holland.  A quick trip to TJ Maxx and Big Lots.  When we got back we sat on the front porch for a while and Friedl came over.  I went to the cemetery alone.  I needed to spend some time with Ray.  I laid down on the grass next to his grave, pretending I was laying next to him.  I then realized that, in a way, I was.  His body was was just six feet away from me.  It made me feel good.  I thought about how close I actually was to him.  I know Ray's soul is not down there, but there was this sense of "completeness" laying there "next to him."  I looked at the sky imagining this was his view. 

I've always wanted to be cremated and could not understand why Ray would want to be embalmed and have a casket burial.  Now I am glad those were his wishes.  I love to visit him.  I talk to him as if I am talking to him on the phone.  I know what his replies would be, so I respond back.  I look and sound crazy.  But he's only six feet away.  - Jimmy

My Mind is Blank

A sunny spring day today.  I woke up feeling "good."  Better than yesterday morning.  I must say, most times I feel much better when I am away from the house.  Maybe it's the "escape" that I need.  Subbing yesterday was great.  It is such a wonderful way to take my mind off everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.  With 25 plus third and fourth graders there is nothing else you can think of.  They all want your attention all the time. 

I think I will state some of "my" rules the next time I sub...no one can ask to get a drink of water, go to the bathroom or sharpen their pencil except on breaks.  So much time is wasted with kids asking to do those things.  I'm just going to tell them I will say no, so don't even bother to ask.

I have writer's block today.  My mind is "blank."  - Jimmy

A Normal Day

It's 5:30 a.m.  I woke at 5:05 a.m.  Can't get back to sleep.  Maybe because I have to sub today.  My mind it gearing up for the day.  It probably will be my last sub day since schools are out for the summer on June 9th. 

Yesterday I went with Friedl, Carol (a friend of Friedl's from California), and Drew to take a home tour in Grand Rapids.  There is a house there that was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.  We then went to lunch at a restaurant called "Electric Cheetah."  A stop at Bed Bath & Beyond ended our day trip.  It was a great day.  It was a normal day.

- Jimmy