Enjoying the Day

I miss Ray.  Yes, I know...what is new?  I'm blogging about this today because I realized that the feelings and emotions that go with this are different than they were a year ago.  A year ago I suffered the absolute pain of his loss.  I grieved deep in my heart when I thought about him.  I was so sad.  I hurt in my heart.  Today I miss him like one would if their spouse was gone for a long, long, long time.  The hurt isn't as bad, but I miss his presence and tear up at times.  There isn't such strong pain and suffering in my heart and soul.  My grief counselor advised me of these steps, however I didn't truly believe her at the time.  I always thought "that won't be me!"

I have a card Ray gave to me on December 28, 2009.  I have only shared it with Marguerite.  I thought I would share his sentiments here since I am thinking about him (as always) and am missing him so much right now.

Front of the envelope:  "My James"

Inside the card:  "Honey, Thank you for all your kind, warm and caring ways.  There is no way I could make it without you  You are truly my brightest star - the stronger side of me.  When I get better 'and I will' I will truly make all this hard work and sacrifice up to you.  I love you.  Ray"

It was the last card (or note) I ever received from him.  I told him he was not a burden.  He thought so.  My care for him is what ANYBODY would do for someone who they truly were IN LOVE WITH.  I don't know if I could ever have that deep love for someone again.  I can truly say that when I first saw Ray it was love at first sight.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would even talk to him, let alone be with him for 21 years!  NEVER!  But I persisted.  I would walk (or drive) by his house everyday until eventually he must have thought I was a stalker and we said "hi."  From there our relationship grew.

Yesterday was a big day!  After cleaning rooms Marguerite and I went out to the "shed" next to the house and did a big purging.  We threw out probably 90% of what was in there.  Tons of stuff Ray would not throw out.  Old stuff from his dad (not good tools or anything, but old rusted stuff, old pots, etc.).  The dumpster is full.  I had to call to have them come and make a second pick-up this week.  Then I can throw more stuff out before Friday's regular pick-up.  It looks so great in there. 

Today is a beautiful day.  The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the temperature is about mid 60's - very tolerable.  I'm enjoyiing the day.  -  Jimmy