Getting My Feet Wet

I had grief counseling this morning and then took off for Detroit.  I am at my mom's right now.  I came to hook up her TiVo to her cable box.  Tonight I am going to my niece Julia's hockey game.  She is 10 years old.  I will return home tomorrow.

I have a lot to do before I leave for Vienna on Tuesday.  First and foremost I have to pack.  Catch up on laundry.  Clean out the refrigerators.  More stuff than I can think of.

Regarding my "seeing someone" I have some thoughts I would like to share.  One thing this experience has taught me is the fact that life does go on.  You can't stop it.  You can't go back.  You can't control it.  I was doing what I was "supposed" to do, but I have been hanging on to the past.  I was afraid that if I moved on Ray's loss would be more of a reality...as if I could prevent it from being more real.  This was all in my mind of course.  On the outside I am sure most people saw me as someone moving forward and living my new life.  In a way I was, but I have been clinging to the past.  Not throwing things away.  Keeping things that I don't need anymore.  Trying to make time stop.  After I cleaned up the apartment last week it felt so fresh and new.  It was a great feeling.  I guess this is the next step.  "Getting my feet wet" as my grief counselor told me today.  -  Jimmy

All Of These Things Are Going Through My Mind

Wow...a week since I have posted.

Ten months ago tonight (at this very minute) I came home to find Ray dead.  A blatent experience.  I have thought about it all day.  How can't I?  He was the love of my life.  Our life wasn't perfect in any sense of the word...but we loved each other dearly.  Some days maybe not so much.  But that is typical in most (if not all) relationships.

My blog is an open, honest writing of my life and feelings after Ray's death.  So, I have to say that I am "seeing" someone.  "Someone" that Ray and I knew for about five years.  A guest/acquaintance that has stayed here.  We are "getting along" and will see what is going on.  Guilt, insecurity, disrespect...all of thesse feelings are going through my mind.  - Jimmy

Feeling Refreshed

Well, I slept a little better last night.  Didn't wake up till 6:15 a.m.  I feel well rested.  My mind feels clear.  I guess I will still have my ups and downs for a while.

I visited Ray's grave yesterday (as I do most days).  I got very emotional driving home.  I was thinking that I just wanted him home...yet how out of control I was of making that happen.  I need those releases.  Maybe that is why my mind is clear today.  I need to let the tears flow so I can get the release I need.

I cleaned the apartment a little again yesterday.  Yes, I threw out Ray's electric toothbrush.  No one can know what a HUGE step that was for me.  The day I saw it for the first time after he died I broke into a huge emotional cry.  Crazy, but I did.  I don't think anyone can know how I feel unless they have lost the same loss as me.  This weekend we had a guest that stayed with us who lost her partner of 25 years to cancer this last May.  We shared a small conversation and the thoughts, feelings and experiences we both had seemed identical.  Maybe it's time I get involved in a group grief counseling session. 

Today I'll finish cleaning the apartment, try to defrost the refrigerator/freezer in the pantry and finish up some laundry.  I am going to dinner tonight with Tony and Kelly to a friend of theirs.  Tomorrow I will take Marguerite to the doctor and then go to Grand Rapids with Friedl.  Tomorrow night I will pick up Karelen and Drew from the train station in Holland.  Very busy day tomorrow. 

I am feeling refreshed this morning.  - Jimmy

Small Steps are Big Steps to Me

Up early again.  My mind is just a mass of thoughts.  I was laying on the couch, covered by a comforter given to Ray by a nurse in Holland Hospital.  So my thoughts wander back to her, the staff there, Ray walking around the floor trying to get exercise.  I don't think my mind will ever clear of this.  It may become less frequent, but it will always be a permanent imprint on my mind. 

I feel like I am making some progress in spite of the constant thoughts I have.  Yesterday I decided to do some cleaning in the apartment.  I disconnected Ray's heart monitor and packed it up to ship back.  The heart monitor was in the bedroom on his nightstand.  It was connected to the phone line and sent signals from Ray's defibrillator.  This was one of those things that I "just couldn't do."  By disconnecting it there is a certain feeling of the reality that he will never be back.  I also threw out two old robes that he wore.  It's a start for me.  A start for me to accept the reality.  A start for me to move on.  I hate to use the term "move on" because it sounds so harsh.  At least to me it does.  However, it is the reality.  Maybe if I continue to clean things up, take things to Goodwill, etc. it will help me get some closure and not live in the past.  I just might even unplug and throw out his electric toothbrush today.  It sounds like such a simple task, but to me it is an emotional event.  More reality, and it hurts.  I have to start doing this though.  I am getting close to a year now.  I compare these steps I'm taking to someone who has been in a terrible accident and lost use of their legs for a while.  They slowly go through physical therapy.  Taking small steps.  Standing for the first time is a big event.  Then, walking a few yards is something to get excited about.  Slowly, each small step is a step closer to getting back to normal.  But, normal may not be the same as before.  Slowly my small steps are a step closer to my healing.  Closer to "my" normal.  Tasks like throwing out old robes or old toothbrushes seem like nothing to other people, but to me they are BIG steps.  Those are my thoughts and feelings today.  - Jimmy 

I Will Have Survived

It's 4:50 a.m.  I can't sleep.  I've been up since 3:30 a.m.  My mind whirls.  I think about New Year's last year.  I think about the day/moment I found Ray dead.  I think about the funeral.  My mind whirls.  I get sick to my stomach.  Some days I feel so good about moving on and then I hit a point where I stop and step back a little.  I guess this will go on for a while.  It's important for me to write these things down so I can get these feelings out and organized.  Maybe it will help me get back to sleep so I can have a productive day.  I know that writing down my feelings will help me in the future.  I will be able to look back and see my progress.

I have a pretty busy week.  Monday I am taking Marguerite to the hospital for surgery on her foot.  I am going to Detroit on Tuesday to hook up my mom's TiVo to her cable.  It will be nice to see her.  I am coming home on Wednesday.  On Thursday I am picking up guests from the train station in Holland, Karlene and Drew.  Then we're already into the weekend.  The busy week will help keep my mind occupied.

Fall is in full swing.  I am now approaching the dreadful "one year" anniversaries..."a year ago today...."  Dates I will never forget....November 9, November 10, November 19, November 20, December 4, December 11, December 22, December 29, December 31, January 2, January 3, January 8.....They are cast in stone in my memory.  Each one of those days I can relive....I can tell you exactly what happened on those days in 2009/2010.  I dread their approach, but will be happy when they are over.  I will have survived a year.  It gives me hope.  - Jimmy

I Realize That Now

Sometimes it seems like death is the easy way out.  The responsibilities are left to someone else.  I remember Ray used to say how sad he would be the day one of the cat's might die.  He didn't have to experience that.  I am missing my Amity so much right now, and these thoughts run through my mind.  When you're "gone" there is no responsibility.  It's all over.  So then I think...why worry about things in life.  Enjoy it...because when it's over...it's over.  So live, love and laugh.  Enjoy the moment, because you never know when it will end.  I think I am starting to love life again. 

I am so thankful to my wonderful friends and family who have been here for me over the last year.  Their support, love and care have carried me through.  I've come a long way in the last 10 months.  I realize that now. - Jimmy

Should Be Fun

So, a nice day trip to Chicago yesterday.  Had lunch at P.F. Chang's, took Friedl to her doctor, and then Marguerite and I walked Michigan Avenue to Water Tower Place/Mall.  After living in Saugatuck for 13 years now the big city of Chicago seems so foreign to me.  Not overwhelming, just such a different lifestyle, landscape, etc.  It's beautiful but I don't think I could ever live there...unless I HAD to.  I just love living in West Michigan.  So, to me Chicago is a nice place to visit.

Today is a sunny and beautiful fall day.  I will start to clean some rooms and then I have grief counseling this afternoon.  I bought a fish tank last week, so I will go to the pet store in Holland before counseling and buy some stuff for it.  I will put the goldfish (from the fountain outside) in it for the winter.  Who knows what Wiley or Moscow will do when they see it?!

I can clearly see that Wiley is agitated.  He seems a little disoriented.  He was so used to having his "companion" around all his life.  They slept together, napped together, played together...and now she is gone in an instant.  He is spending more time down on the main floor with me so now Moscow is getting used to having him around.  All three of us are experiencing "new lives."  A new schedule, routine and lifestyle. 

Well, before I finished this blog I found out my grief counseling is rescheduled.  That's ok.  As long as I can go before I leave for Vienna.  I've got a lot to share.

Tomorrow is a big dinner party at Friedl's.  Should be fun.  - Jimmy