Small Steps are Big Steps to Me

Up early again.  My mind is just a mass of thoughts.  I was laying on the couch, covered by a comforter given to Ray by a nurse in Holland Hospital.  So my thoughts wander back to her, the staff there, Ray walking around the floor trying to get exercise.  I don't think my mind will ever clear of this.  It may become less frequent, but it will always be a permanent imprint on my mind. 

I feel like I am making some progress in spite of the constant thoughts I have.  Yesterday I decided to do some cleaning in the apartment.  I disconnected Ray's heart monitor and packed it up to ship back.  The heart monitor was in the bedroom on his nightstand.  It was connected to the phone line and sent signals from Ray's defibrillator.  This was one of those things that I "just couldn't do."  By disconnecting it there is a certain feeling of the reality that he will never be back.  I also threw out two old robes that he wore.  It's a start for me.  A start for me to accept the reality.  A start for me to move on.  I hate to use the term "move on" because it sounds so harsh.  At least to me it does.  However, it is the reality.  Maybe if I continue to clean things up, take things to Goodwill, etc. it will help me get some closure and not live in the past.  I just might even unplug and throw out his electric toothbrush today.  It sounds like such a simple task, but to me it is an emotional event.  More reality, and it hurts.  I have to start doing this though.  I am getting close to a year now.  I compare these steps I'm taking to someone who has been in a terrible accident and lost use of their legs for a while.  They slowly go through physical therapy.  Taking small steps.  Standing for the first time is a big event.  Then, walking a few yards is something to get excited about.  Slowly, each small step is a step closer to getting back to normal.  But, normal may not be the same as before.  Slowly my small steps are a step closer to my healing.  Closer to "my" normal.  Tasks like throwing out old robes or old toothbrushes seem like nothing to other people, but to me they are BIG steps.  Those are my thoughts and feelings today.  - Jimmy