I Am Living Life

Here it is Monday night.  I did it.  I went through most of the boxes of Christmas decorations with minimal tears.  I had a hard time at the cemetery last night.  I really cried.  I thought..."who would have thought that a year would pass and I would be going to the cemetery to visit Ray?" 

I am doing good.  The last several days have brought tears to my eyes.  When I am sitting still I "think" about things...but I can get myself composed.  I move forward.  There is life that continues on.  I am so thankful for my friends that support me. 

I am living life...thank God.  - Jimmy

Boxes of Memories

I made it through Thanksgiving!  It was really a great day.  My friend Drew helped me chop, dice and slice through all the ingredients and I made my very first turkey.  (The turkey was the easiest part.  It was a "Jennie-O" brand turkey labeled "from freezer to oven to perfect."  And it was!)  Friedl came over about 2:00 p.m. and the three of us had dinner about 4:30. 

I felt great all day until about 11:45.  Friedl left and my mind started to wander.  Tears, of course, flowed.  I guess the release is still needed.  It builds up slowly now - and then it needs to be let go.  I am moving forward though.  I'm taking baby steps to move my life along rather than just "surviving" on a daily basis. 

Marguerite went to Detroit to be with the Riker family for Thanksgiving.  I was invited there as well other friends' and families homes.  However, I just did not want to be away from the house.  It was bad enough last night at 11:45 p.m.  If I had gone somewhere and come home alone I would probably have had a breakdown. 

Today is the traditional day Ray and I would go and get the real Christmas tree.  I am going to continue that tradition.  I did't think I would this year, but the Christmas spirit is starting to build up in me.  I hope I can keep a handle on my emotions as I unpack the boxes of decorations...and boxes of memories.  I'm sure tears will surely fall, but it will be another step forward and yet more release of the sadness.  - Jimmy

My Best Friend

I am back from Chicago.  Had a great dinner with guests/friends of the Kirby House.  Rob made a fantastic lasagna dinner.  Went to Macy's (the old Marshal Field's) on State Street and had lunch in the Walnut Room.  The huge tree was gorgous and we got to sit right by it!  It helped me get in the Christmas Spirit which I didn't know if I was going to have any this year.

Last night Friedl and I made a Austrian dinner for friends.  I even served Austrian wine I bought in Chicago.  I just love having dinner parties!  Today I will go shopping for Thanksgiving Dinner.  I am spending it at home.  I did not want to go anywhere else for Thanksgiving.  I've been invited to many places,  but I just want to be here at home.  I dread going somewhere and then coming home.  I feel safe and comfortable here.  It will only be Friedl, my friend Drew and me.  Friedl, Drew and I are going to do the shopping together today. 

I had some "crying" moments this morning already.  It's during the quiet times that I am allowed to think about things which makes me cry.  When I am busy and my time is occupied I am ok.  I guess I just need the moments of release or it will build up. 

I am doing good.  But...in spite of everything going on in my life I miss Ray terribly.  My best friend.  - Jimmy

Occupied and Busy

I had a little cry this morning thinking about "a year ago."  A year ago today I subbed for seventh grade math in Hudsonville.  I can remember that day like it was yesterday.  I did not want to sub because I felt so terrible about Ray, but I had made the commitment and did it.  Of course that was the only thing on my mind that day. 

I am going to Chicago today.  I will return on Tuesday.  Hopefully it will keep my mind occupied and busy.  - Jimmy

One Year

Well, today markes the one year anniversary of the journey Ray and I took with his cancer.  I tear up as I write this.  I went to the cemetery tonight and cried. 

I remember when we got home from the doctor's office.  I called my mom to tell her.  Of course, at the time, we thought Ray could beat this.  Why not?  He was young.  We thought it was caught early, etc.  But...although we never mentioned it to each other it was on the back of both of our minds..."what if?"  I know that I thought that.  And, I could tell by his actions and behaviors that he was savoring every moment as if it was his last.  He was doing things that he wouldn't normally do.  Sentimenal "family" things.  Going to the lighting ceremony in Saugatuch (which we hadn't done in years), etc.  I thought about the "what if's" but I NEVER mentioned it to him.  I'm sure we both didn't want to "put that into the atmosphere."  The night we found out about the cancer (a year ago tonight) I went for a walk.  I thought about what life would be like without Ray...and at the time I didn't think I would want to live it.  And I haven't wanted to.  I have done it, but haven't wanted to do it.  This whole blog is probably nothing but a "rambling."  But that's how I feel right now.  I can't wait till the "year" is over. 

I have a feeling the next two months are going to be a "reliving hell" for me.  "A year ago today...." 

I am home from Vienna.  I wrote a journal while I was gone and will post portions of it in a few days.  I'm happy to be home.  - Jimmy

Good Bye

The day has come.  I leave for Vienna in seven hours.  I am finally excited.  Usually I plan the vacation....things to do, sights to see, etc.  Since Friedl is taking care of everything I haven't had to do any planning, so I haven't gotten excited about the trip.  However, today I am really, really excited.  Also, I have been so focused on making sure everything is taken care of here at the house (bills paid, laundry done, leaves raked) that my mind has been redirected. 

Yesterday Ray's sister Kathleen (from Tennessee) came in.  She is going to spend time here with Marguerite.  We went to dinner last night at Everyday People Cafe.  It was so nice spending time with her.  What a sweet woman.

Yesterday I raked leaves.  It was the PERFECT day to rake leaves.  There was no wind, the temps were in the 60's, and the leaves were perfectly dry.  I used my blower and it worked perfectly.  I got a lot of leaves collected and put out front to the street.  There is still a lot more to do but I got "on top of it" so a big chunk of it is done. 

I talked on the phone this morning with my niece Julia.  She is such a sweetie!  She loves me so much.  And I love her too.  She is so outgoing...her mother will have to be careful about all the boys who will fall for her.  She is going to be a big tease.  Some young man is going to be very lucky one day when she says "yes" to his marriage proposal. 

I hope to be able to blog when in Europe, but if not...."good bye" for eleven days.  - Jimmy

Spring Fever

I thought I slept in late, but realized later that I never changed my clock in the bedroom.  So, extra "Judge Judy Time."  And extra time to cuddle up with Wiley.  With Ray, Gabby and Amity gone, Wiley has really been clinging to me.  Especially when I am upstairs in the apartment.

From the time my flight leaves Grand Rapids until I land in Vienna 17 hours will have passed.  I am trying to make sure I have enough stuff to do while travelling.  With no one else tagging along with me I am making sure I have a good book, updated iPod, fully charged netbook, etc.  I have a four and a half hour layover in London.  I am glad about that because if there are any delays out of Chicago I still should make my connection.  On the return flight home Friedl will be travelling with me, so that will be much better.

In two days it will be the one year anniversary of Ray's doctor's appointment at which he made the appointment for the colonoscopy.  It was a routine six month physical.  He came home so happy because everything looked so good.  Blood pressure, blood work, and everthing else was great.  I had been putting up the outdoor garland and lights when he left.  I remember it so vividly.  I was on the second floor roof putting up the garland when he left in the Cadillac.  I will forever remember the events of November 10 through January 8th as if etched in my mind like his name on his tombstone. 

Spring Fever is the news about the weather this week.  Temperatures close to 70 degrees!  As I say, everday is a day closer to spring!  - Jimmy

I am Very Tired

Sunday night.  I am almost ready for my trip to Austria.  However, I was quite lazy today.  Everything will get done...even if it is last minute. 

It was a beautiful day today.  I made a new recipe for Creamy Butternut Squash Soup for Christmas Dinners and New Years.  Turned out wonderful!

I am very tired.  I'm still talking with they guy I am "seeing."  - Jimmy

You Reap What You Sow

Here it is Saturday morning (6:00 a.m.) and I can't sleep.  The worst part?  No guests to make breakfast for!  Two rooms coming in today, but no one for breakfast this morning.  Of course tomorrow I will probably want to sleep in.

My mind whirls.  There is so much I want to do before I leave.  Marguerite is in a cast (on her foot) so I have to make sure everything is available to her on the first floor. 

Last night we watched "MILK."  The movie about Harvey Milk.  There was a scene where he came home to find his partner dead (suicide).  He fell to the floor and broke apart.  I think you would have to have experienced something like that to play the role...or maybe be a great actor.  I could relate so well.  It brought back the memory of when the police officer told me Ray had passed.  I literally fell to the floor and fell apart.  Screaming....NOOOO!  It is pure hell.  I couldn't watch that scene and had to leave the room going upstairs to cry.  A few steps forward.....a step back.  That will be my life for quite a while I guess.

I am so lucky to have Ray's family around.  They accept me as part of the Riker family.  How lucky I was to find a great partner with such a great, loving, accepting family.  I have a great family, but they are "blood."  However, I guess that doesn't mean much.  My family is great too.  I guess I am so fortunate all the way around.  I have great families and great friends.  God has truly blessed me.  You reap what you sow, and I planted some great seeds and took real good care of them.  - Jimmy

PS:  So far things are going "good" with me and the man I am "seeing"....

Getting My Feet Wet

I had grief counseling this morning and then took off for Detroit.  I am at my mom's right now.  I came to hook up her TiVo to her cable box.  Tonight I am going to my niece Julia's hockey game.  She is 10 years old.  I will return home tomorrow.

I have a lot to do before I leave for Vienna on Tuesday.  First and foremost I have to pack.  Catch up on laundry.  Clean out the refrigerators.  More stuff than I can think of.

Regarding my "seeing someone" I have some thoughts I would like to share.  One thing this experience has taught me is the fact that life does go on.  You can't stop it.  You can't go back.  You can't control it.  I was doing what I was "supposed" to do, but I have been hanging on to the past.  I was afraid that if I moved on Ray's loss would be more of a reality...as if I could prevent it from being more real.  This was all in my mind of course.  On the outside I am sure most people saw me as someone moving forward and living my new life.  In a way I was, but I have been clinging to the past.  Not throwing things away.  Keeping things that I don't need anymore.  Trying to make time stop.  After I cleaned up the apartment last week it felt so fresh and new.  It was a great feeling.  I guess this is the next step.  "Getting my feet wet" as my grief counselor told me today.  -  Jimmy

All Of These Things Are Going Through My Mind

Wow...a week since I have posted.

Ten months ago tonight (at this very minute) I came home to find Ray dead.  A blatent experience.  I have thought about it all day.  How can't I?  He was the love of my life.  Our life wasn't perfect in any sense of the word...but we loved each other dearly.  Some days maybe not so much.  But that is typical in most (if not all) relationships.

My blog is an open, honest writing of my life and feelings after Ray's death.  So, I have to say that I am "seeing" someone.  "Someone" that Ray and I knew for about five years.  A guest/acquaintance that has stayed here.  We are "getting along" and will see what is going on.  Guilt, insecurity, disrespect...all of thesse feelings are going through my mind.  - Jimmy