Well, today markes the one year anniversary of the journey Ray and I took with his cancer. I tear up as I write this. I went to the cemetery tonight and cried.
I remember when we got home from the doctor's office. I called my mom to tell her. Of course, at the time, we thought Ray could beat this. Why not? He was young. We thought it was caught early, etc. But...although we never mentioned it to each other it was on the back of both of our minds..."what if?" I know that I thought that. And, I could tell by his actions and behaviors that he was savoring every moment as if it was his last. He was doing things that he wouldn't normally do. Sentimenal "family" things. Going to the lighting ceremony in Saugatuch (which we hadn't done in years), etc. I thought about the "what if's" but I NEVER mentioned it to him. I'm sure we both didn't want to "put that into the atmosphere." The night we found out about the cancer (a year ago tonight) I went for a walk. I thought about what life would be like without Ray...and at the time I didn't think I would want to live it. And I haven't wanted to. I have done it, but haven't wanted to do it. This whole blog is probably nothing but a "rambling." But that's how I feel right now. I can't wait till the "year" is over.
I have a feeling the next two months are going to be a "reliving hell" for me. "A year ago today...."
I am home from Vienna. I wrote a journal while I was gone and will post portions of it in a few days. I'm happy to be home. - Jimmy
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