I'm Looking Forward to 2016!

Well, Christmas is over.  My sixth in a row without Ray.  It's a very sentimental time of year for me as this was Ray's absolute most favorite time of year.

My medications seem to be keeping my emotions in check.  I'm still not quite at 100%, and maybe I never will be.  The mornings are better for me.

I saw this the other day and it really hit me as true:

What is that picture that I have in my head?  The thing is I don't know.  At one time I thought I had the picture and it seemed to match what was in my head.  But that's not how "life" is.  For anyone.  I guess I need to toss any picture I had perceived of what my life was supposed to be and just live it as I go along.  There are many times when I am out and about and everyone else looks like they just got everything together.  What a great life they have.  But I don't know their individual struggles, trials, grief.  I think that I'm the only one that has struggles, grief, anxiety and life stresses.  So in a way I guess it's kind of selfish, I'm only thinking about ME.  Everything I go through is just "life."  Everyone experiences it in some way.

I am healing quite well from my surgery.  It's irritating wearing the neck collar all day and night, and I've got four more months to wear it.  My neck and shoulder pain are gone though!  Hallelujah!

I must say that every year when Christmas is over I love to take down the decorations and do a good cleaning.  It always feels like I'm starting fresh and new.  It's just a feeling, but it's a good one.  I'm looking forward to 2016! - Jimmy

I'm On My Way to Feeling Better

Here it is, December 14 and no snow yet this year.  Personally I am so happy about that.  Especially since I have to wear this awful neck brace I don't have to worry as much about snow and ice when walking.

I've been having a bad time lately with my depression and anxiety.  Each day I think to myself that I'll just get through it, tomorrow will be better.  I made a decision (without checking with my doctor) to quit taking my depression and anxiety medications earlier this year.  When I talked to him at my summer check up he seemed to be ok with my decision as long as I was doing well.  I seemed to be.

However, the last three months my depression has increased and I don't seem to be able to get rid of it.  I know all the right things to tell myself...I have a lot to be thankful for, I have a loving family, I have a loving partner, I have a nice place to live, on and on.  It doesn't make a difference.  I have this pit in my stomach the moment I wake up.  I dread getting out of bed (or the couch for now during my recovery).  It was so bad on Thursday I couldn't go into work.  I was a "mess."  I called my doctor's office and got in touch with a nurse working the phone bank.  I explained my situation and she asked me if I was considering suicide and I replied "no."  I said "...but I really don't care if I live nor not."  She told me to go to the Emergency Room immediately.  My personal doctor's nurse even followed up with a call to ensure I was going.

When I got to the Emergency Room I told them I felt like an idiot (taking up valuable time for something that I didn't see as an Emergency Room situation) but my doctor's office told me to come in.  The nurse said "It's good you listened to your doctor."  I was put in a room that had absolutely NOTHING but a bed in it.  A television was on the wall covered by plexi-glass as well as a very noticeable camera in the ceiling corner.  They had to bring a chair in for Drew.  Obviously this room was so sparse so that whoever is in it couldn't use something to harm themselves or others.  I spent time talking to a doctor who did a physical on me, then I spent quite a bit of time with a social worker.  She advised me to get in touch with my doctor to get my depressant medication refilled and to schedule an appointment with him just to follow up.  I have started the medication again, but it takes two weeks to really start taking affect in my system.  I am on day 5.  I see my doctor tomorrow.

In addition to her diagnosis of clinical depression, the social worker said I am also being hit with the time of year of the loss of my love, it's also the time of year that "seasonal affect disorder" takes place and (after our fact finding discussion) I'm at the age of a "mid-life" crisis.  So I've really been hit hard with a lot of stuff.

I feel better just having gone for help and knowing I'm not nuts (well I guess a little - thus the medication).  I just couldn't take it anymore last Thursday and knew I needed to do something and get help.

I'm on my way to feeling better - emotionally and physically.  - Jimmy 

I Just Need To Get Through New Year's

I hate this time of year.  Yes, I said it.  My blog is a journal of my feelings.  It has helped me look back at where I’ve been over the past six years and see my progress.  Today, though, I have to get this off my chest.

Note:  My blog is an honest, raw reflection of my feelings.  Please read with caution.  I know I am not the only one with struggles in my life, but this is my story.

It usually hits me around mid-November…of course.  That is when Ray was diagnosed with his colon cancer.  That was all that was on our minds from that point on until his death on January 3, 2010.  That Christmas was pure hell for me.  (Ray too of course.)  I can remember being awakened by the phone ringing at 1:30 in the morning about four days after his surgery.  They said Ray was going into emergency surgery and he wanted me to be there.  His colon had leaked and they needed to go in and “clean him out” and perform an ileostomy on him.  It was after this surgery that the surgeon updated me on his progress and the results of his pathology report.  It wasn’t good.  The colon cancer was at stage 3C (each stage, 1-4, had an A, B, or C).  Stage 3C is just before stage 4, the worst, so I knew it wasn’t good.  When I went in to see him after he awoke from the surgery I didn’t tell him.  I wanted the doctor to tell him. 

I went home to try to get some sleep, which I never got any.  I called my mom and can remember exactly where I was sitting in the parlor.  I was looking at all the Christmas decorations we had put up and I told her I wanted to smash them all and throw them away. 

So, when this time of year rolls around I am reminded by the sights, sounds, weather…and of course Christmas…of that time I just wanted to destroy it all.  I awake in the morning with a pit in my stomach.  Sometimes it makes me so upset I vomit.  I try so hard to tell myself that it’s “ok” – things are better, but the mind is a very powerful thing. 

I know all the “right things” to tell myself.  God has truly blessed me over the last six years.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I love where I live.  I love my job – and it’s location to home.  I have a thoughtful, caring and honest to the bone partner.  And I have to be honest (which is what my blog is about) I do not miss the Kirby House.  I was so ready to move on after three years of running it without Ray.  So what’s my problem?  This is my struggle.

As I’ve written before in my blogs, sometimes as I write them I get some answers to my own questions.  So, as I am writing this I am thinking that I need to start my days counting my blessings.  Thanking God for my blessings.  Get my mind on positive things.  At the beginning of the year I put a “Blessings Jar” on a shelf at my desk (no one knows about it…until now).  On a small slip of paper I wrote the date and just one thing I was thankful for throughout the year.    Maybe I will post those in a future 2016 blog.

I slowly ease into a more steady emotion as the day progresses and by evening I am feeling much better.  Until now only Drew has known about my struggle (and one person at work has an idea).  This is my life.  This is my continued process of grief even after six years.  I just need to get through New Year’s.  - Jimmy 

Last Supper(s)

Well, in the last two weeks I have been able to have dinner at Clearbrook and Everyday People Café.  One was Drew's treat and the other mine.  Special dinners before my surgery.  It's not that I won't be able to eat after surgery, it's just that I won't be able to swallow solid foods for a while and then...even if I'm all "ok"...I don't really think I would enjoy the dinners too much with the neck brace I'll be wearing.

I decided to order "old school" at Everyday People Café.  I ate items that have been on their menu since the beginning.  In the past I've talked about photos bringing back memories - but WOW, flavors and smells really bring back the past.  We had the drunken shrimp Sambuca as an appetizer.  Then, I had the house salad with the "garlic, basil, creamy, dreamy dressing" (as Ray and I called it).  For my entrée I had the gorgonzola pork chop.  Every single bite brought back a memory.  As I was eating I could totally picture just leaving the restaurant and walking right down the street to the Kirby House and taking a dip in the pool or hot tub.  It was like going back in time.  I even thought of my great friend Dawn Bloomfield who passed away last week.  It was a really sentimental dinner.

We even sat at Ray's favorite booth (and we didn't even ask)!  The booth right next to the kitchen was Ray's favorite.  He loved watching what was going on back there.  I sat in his spot.

My view of the kitchen from our booth.

I have got most of the important things done that needed to get done before surgery.  Outdoor furniture and gazebo all taken down and/or put away.  Air conditioner unit covered and shut down for the winter.  Bills caught up.  Laundry getting caught up and my recliner all set for sleeping in the next couple/few months.  I think I'm ready!


Looking forward to the pain going away. - Jimmy

Preparations

My surgery is scheduled for November 2.  I am now doing all my preparations.  I go to my primary care physician on October 20 to get clearance for the surgery.  I have been fitted for my cervical collar that I will have to wear for three months.  I have paid my co-pays for all my MRI’s, X-Ray’s, etc. 

Oh what fun!

I went to “YouTube” to see if there were videos of the procedure.  (The procedure is called cervical anterior discectomy and fusion.)  There were.  I am having four discs removed, C4, C5, C6 and C7.  I will be in the hospital a bit longer.  To my surprise there were also videos of others who had the same procedure.  They shared their experiences.  This was very helpful as it gave me firsthand information on what to expect before, during and after surgery.  It was also so interesting to hear other people talk about the exact same pain I have been having for the last 12 years.  I can’t believe there are others out there going through the same thing.  One thing most of them said (and I was advised by the man who fitted my collar) is that you have to sleep in a recliner while you recover.  It’s too difficult to get in and out of bed.  My friend Tom is letting me borrow his recliner.  I also figured I should get some real good quality pillows.  I purchased two King pillows yesterday at Costco ($80 for both!).

Another thing mentioned by people on YouTube was that eating is rough because you’ll have what feels like a very sore throat.  During the procedure they have to move your trachea over so they can get to your spine.  The aftermath of the pulling and moving of the trachea gives you the feeling of a sore throat.  So, I am going to buy some “smooth foods” to eat, such as pudding, yogurt, etc.

I’m so fortunate to have such amazing friends at my side (in addition to Drew).  Three of my friends, Tom, Mary and Kelley are actually taking off work the day of my surgery so they can be there for me.  It’s almost like it’s going to be a little party (that’s what I keep telling myself).

So, now I’ve got two and a half weeks left before I will be out of commission for three months (or more).  Time to get the outdoor gazebo and furniture stored and covered.  Get as many leaves raked as possible.  And one big thing I want to do before my surgery is to have a dinner at Clearbrook and Everyday People Café.  Once I have that collar on I’m not sure how much I will want to be seen in public.  Plus, I won’t be able to eat like that for a while. 

One nice thing before my surgery is that I will be able to see Ray’s sister, Susie, from Colorado.  She is coming up this week to visit with Marguerite.  They will spend some time in Detroit and then come back here and we’re going to get together.  I’ve been very fortunate that the Riker family has kept me in their care.  I’m honored that they keep in touch with me, care about my well being and treat me like blood family.  It’s nice because I feel like a part of him is still with me.  

It's hard to believe that in less than three months it will be six years since Ray passed away.  The upcoming months will be hard on me as the memories of that time of year in 2009 will flood my soul again.  - Jimmy

Back In The Saddle Again

I have been battling pain in my neck and arm now for about 12 years.  In 2006 I went to "The Brain and Spine Clinic" in Holland and was diagnosed with cervical stenosis and cervical spondylosis.  (In addition I found out that my cervical spine is shaped incorrectly.)  I have gone through two rounds of physical therapy, epidural steroid shots, and medication over these last 12 years.  I have been able to keep the pain "at bay" until this last year.  I have been in so much pain and have lost strength in my right arm that I decided it was time to go back to the spine clinic.  If I don't get this taken care of it could cause permanent damage to some nerves and I would never regain strength in my arm.  So I have decided to have the surgery.

A view of my cervical spine from my MRI.

They will take four discs out of my neck and fuse it together.  I find it hard to believe that metal and screws in my neck won't hurt, but that's what I'm told.  The surgery is done from the front of the neck and I will be in a huge neck brace for three months.  That is what I dread the most.  I won't be able to drive and I am scared to death at Drew's driving.  (When he was in his early working years he was a driver for branch inter-office mail at a bank and was fired because of so many accidents.)

This is what will be in my neck.

This has been a long road but I'm finally ready to get rid of the pain.  Soon I'll be back in the saddle again.  - Jimmy

Memories

I wrote this blog about two weeks ago...

I awoke the other morning to a day off.  On my days off I like to start by looking at Facebook while lying in bed.  I get to catch up on what’s going on with everyone.  While on my iPad (thank you Booking.com) I had this idea to check out a video on YouTube.  I wanted to listen to a song that I liked back in 1992.  This song (its name not really relavant to the story) brought back strong memories and emotions.  Music does that.  I think about Christmas music and why everyone loves it so much.  It seems that no matter what genre in music you like, most everyone loves the same traditional Christmas music.  It evokes memories and traditions.  We all have that favorite song that reminds us of our first love, our mothers or fathers, and happy and sad times.

 

As I was listening to this song my memories of moving with Ray to Royal Oak came back.  I thought about how happy we were.  We were starting a new life in a new home we shared together.  As my memory serves me – those were very happy times.  As I lay in bed I start to cry.  I regret buying the bed and breakfast.  I regret moving to Saugatuck.  I feel that if we had never done that - things would be different.  I feel as though Ray might still be alive.  The B&B killed him I feel. 

 

Then I realize why my memories of past vacations seem like they have been cut off from me.  They don’t seem so real anymore.  They seem like they are of another life.  I feel that when Ray died a part of me died too.  I believe that if he were still alive my past would somehow still be alive.  It seems like everything was cut, ended, stopped, came to a halt on January 3, 2010.

I don’t get these feelings that much anymore.  At least not such strong ones, but there are things that trigger them.  This time it was music.  Next time it may be a picture or even food.  As my grief counselor advised me, I will heal and grow stronger but I will always have the scar; and like a physical scar I can look at it and remember the pain when it happened but know that it feels better today.

 

I had the great opportunity to spend a couple days with my mother, sister and three nieces.  I haven’t been able to spend a complete uninterrupted two days with them in Saugatuck since we had our condo in Douglas.  Since 1998 every visit I had with them included me having to continue to run and operate the bed and breakfast between time with them.  We either had check-ins or breakfast to do, rooms to clean or calls to answer.  I was able to spend two full days being a “tourist” with them.  It was wonderful.  My niece Megan loves Harley and wanted to take him home and get rid of their dog.  When my sister told her that I would miss my dog she replied “oh, he can facetime him.”  We rode “The Duck” (which my mother loved), ate at Clementine’s in South Haven, shopped in Saugatuck, and had “mom and son” talk time in the early mornings with coffee.  I wish it could have been longer but at least we had the time we did.

 

I feel much better today than I did the other morning.  Emotions are back in check.  Work is going great and I love working at Lakeshore Lodging.  The people I work with are what make it great.  I’ve had a real nice summer.  I got to actually spend some days at the beach, grill out, take some day trips and enjoy time on our screened porch. 

This is my life right now.  -  Jimmy

 

Thank You SCOTUS!

I have been wanting to blog for quite a while now and have been too lazy to sit down and do it.  Well, what better day than today, June 26, 2015!  "Same sex marriage is law of the land!" 

Ever since Ray died I have relied on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication.  Five plus years.  A little over a month ago I decided it was time to stop.  I can't tell you how much more emotions and feelings I have.  For five years I felt "numb."  The medication did it's job.  I see now why a side affect of these medications is "thoughts of suicide."  You get to a point where you don't really have any deep feelings.  Since then I laugh more, cry more and have this deep sense of feeling!

Today was one of those days.  I was walking my dog Harley and took a picture of him.  I decided to post it on Facebook.  When I opened the Facebook app on my phone I saw the news!  "Supreme Court Rules Same Sex Marriage Law of the Land."  I couldn't believe it!  A rush went through my body.  I teared up, excited.  I teared up, wishing Ray was here to see this day.  I quickly called my mom...no answer.  I couldn't wait to tell Drew.  I got back from the walk and said to Drew, "...today we can legally get married."  Then I told him that this was not a proposal.  LOL.  He understood, the United States of America was the 21st country to legally allow "gay marriage." 

When I first realized I was gay I never, never, ever even thought the idea of "gay marriage" would be discussed, let alone become legal.  I am speechless today!  Truly speechless. 

On the way home from work I stopped at the cemetery.  I got out and "talked" to Ray.  I told him what a great thing happened today.  I wish he was here. 

For the first time in a very long time I am proud of our country.  Thank you SCOTUS! - Jimmy 

Happy Birthday Raymond P. Riker, III

Well, it’s been a while.  But, it’s a perfect day to post in my Blog.  Today is Ray’s birthday.  He would have been a young 56 year old man!  Of course I miss him as much today and I did at 9:10pm on January 3.  The wounds have scarred over though.  I still see them, but they are not as noticeable. 

I came across this great list of “30 Things to Do Before You Die.”  I found it on the website mindbodygreen.com .  This is not your traditional “bucket list” – but it’s a bucket list I think everyone needs to achieve.  Check it out below:

30 Things To Do Before You Die:
1. Stop worrying about debt.
2. Forgive your ex-lovers.
3. Stop trying to control your outcome.
4. Look in the mirror and love yourself unconditionally.
5. Leave the job you hate.
6. Find your purpose and live it full heartedly.
7. Adopt a furry friend.
8. Don't feel guilty for holiday weight gain.
9. Trust that everything is in right order.
10. Travel to the place you keep thinking about.
11. Try something that scares you daily.
12. Be open to change.
13. Let go of your past.
14. Stop trying to change people.
15. Stop looking for answers outside of yourself.
16. Stop thinking you did something wrong.
17. Be your weird, crazy, beautiful self.
18. Follow your heart.
19. Risk everything for love.
20. Reject rejection.
21. See the world as a beautiful, safe, and loving place.
22. See everyone as equals.
23. Give up all attachments to stuff.
24. Recognize the journey is the reward.
25. Stay hopeful and optimistic in difficult situations.
26. Welcome all life lessons.
27. See the opportunities in every challenge rather than give up.
28. Live your values.
29. Inspire others by your own bigness.
30. Play with the world.

Sounds easy, but this is really tough stuff!   We are very emotional beings, and at a certain age we are set in our ways.  Sometimes it takes a real life change to rethink how you live. 

For me, even after 5 years, I am still figuring out how my life should “be.”  I met Ray at such a young age that we built our life to be what it was over a 21 year period.  That all changed in the blink of an eye.  At 47 I am now still restarting who I am…and it’s very difficult.  Everything I/we dreamed of our life after retirement has vanished.  I don’t even think I will ever be able to retire now. 

I will do what I can to accept my changes and I think these 30 bucket list items can help in that.  Happy Birthday Raymond Riker, III.  I love you!  - Jimmy