No Chores!

In addition to sharing my progress of healing, updating my life's progress and sharing my intimate thoughts, one of my goals of this blog is to share and keep the memory of Ray alive.  It's important to me.to do so.  I talk to him every day I visit him at the cemetery.  I share my thoughts and my stories.  It helps me.

It was nice to have Susie here for a visit.  We did get to spend some "quality" time together.  Yesterday the three of us went to St. Joseph, Michigan and spent a couple hours walking around shopping and just visiting with each other.  It was a beautiful drive down Blue Star Highway.  I'm sure the fall colors will look awesome along that stretch in a couple weeks!

Tomorrow we leave for Key West.  The forecast is for severe thunderstorms every day!  Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it.  Someone asked me tonight..."What are you going to do when you're there?"  My reply was "nothing."  I just want to do whatever I feel like doing.  No room cleaning, no laundry, no breakfast, no telephone, no bill paying, etc.  NO CHORES!  - Jimmy

Pool, Summer's End and Music

The pool is now closed for the season.  This was always one of Ray's saddest day's.  He always wanted to be the last one to swim in it before it was closed.  Another summer season wrapped up and another first for me.  I wonder if I will go through saying..."another second for me" next year?  I hope not.  I have to move on but it's hard. 

As I was driving home from Detroit yesterday I realized something.  I realized that it is very difficult for me to listen to music that I listened to when Ray was alive.  Any pop music from the 80's, 90's and first decade of the 2000's makes me think of him.  If I listen to current music (music post January 2010) it doesn't bother me.  I guess I will have to start to like today's music.  Some of it is pretty good.  I shed some good tears yesterday coming home while I listtened to the "oldies." 

It's a crisp night.  I will sleep well...hopefully.  - Jimmy

Anniversary, Faith and Going Home

Although Ray and I first "caught each others' eyes" on Memorial Day of 1998, we celebrate September 22 as our "official" anniversary.  That is the day we first went out to dinner together and both knew we were in love.  We selected that date since we can't legally have a wedding anniversary.  So, today is our "anniversary."  My celebration?  Lunch with Scott and Mary Ellen and dinner with my mom.  Maybe both are a next best choice for celebration.  Scott made an awesome lunch and the three of us sat out back at their house in St. Claire Shores.  My mom and I had Chinese from Peking Villa in Harper Woods. 

It's hard to be in my old stomping ground knowing what great beginnings Ray and I had here and to know that he is gone.  However, I can hear my grief counselor telling me how thankful I should be that I even have those great memories...some people will never have that.  I know that is true...but it still hurts to know he is gone.  Maybe the visit back to Detroit is bitter-sweet. 

Sometimes I wonder why life is worth living if we are all just going to end up dying anyway.  I hear all the "correct" responses, but I still think "why bother."  Ray's death has made that such a reality for me.  He was 1/2 my life, shouldn't I WANT to be with him?  If I were 100% absolutely sure that I would be with him in heaven, in a perfected life, with no pain, sin, or worries why wouldn't I just want to take my life and be with him now?  Maybe because I'm really not sure.  Can you have strong faith with some doubt?    Or, does some doubt mean you have NO faith? 

I am going home tomorrow.  Saugatuck that is.  My new home of 13 years.   Susie is in for a visit from Colorado.  It will be great seeing her again.  - Jimmy

So Sad

I'm in Detroit now.  Had dinner at my brother and sister-in-law's house tonight.  Ribs on the grill, potatoes, vegetables, salad, etc.  GREAT dinner Pam!

I picked up my friend Joe this afternoon and we took a trip through Royal Oak on our way to Somerset Mall.  I visited our old house on Trafford in Royal Oak.  It is a MESS!!!  I spoke with our old next door neighbor and she told me the guy wasn't home.  I went over there and went through the back yard.  Ray would be sick.  His gardens are no more.  The deck we put on is falling apart.  The beautiful wood fence he had put in is gone...rotted and blown over by the wind!  All the windows were covered with sheets for newspapers...or old sheers from when we lived there.  I tried to peek in the family room windows...not much to see.  It made me sick.  It is so sad.  My old neighbor told me he is trying to sell it.  I wish I could buy it and fix it back up for Ray.  I loved living in Royal Oak so much!  It was the first house Ray and I moved together into as a couple. 

Joe and I then went to Somerset Mall.  Went up to the third floor and visited with Gary in the salon.  Great to see you Gary.  Also went to make a short visit to another co-worker Sue Watt.  It was a great day and a sad day.  I cried going home as I drove down 11 Mile.  I saw downtown Royal Oak, Superior Fish Market, the farmer's market, etc.  It brought back very happy memories.  But memories that can never more be. 

Tomorrow I will visit Scott and Mary Ellen.  I am so looking forward to that.  - Jimmy

I Have A Smile this Morning!

Wow, four days since I last blogged.  A full house this weekend has kept me busy. 

I am going to Detroit today to visit family.  I will stay with my mom for three nights.  I always look forward to visits with her.  This will be my first time away from the house since our cruise in March/April.  Marguerite will "hold down the fort."  I will also make short visits with Scott & MaryEllen and my friend Joe Lievens. 

This will also be my first long trip in my new truck.  I washed it last night...had to be sure it looked nice when I pull up at my mom's.  My body is so sore from working on the pool pump and filter on Thursday I may have to use the heated seat to keep my back warm!  I think I'll take a dip in the hot-tub before I leave also.

The weather looks great this week.  High's in the 70's and 80's.  Wow, it will be like summer again.

I had a real nice dream about Ray last night.  I have a smile this morning!  - Jimmy

About Amity

After my blog about Amity's progess the other night I put some food out for her.  She ate the food.  I had given her a pill the vet gave to me.  It stimulates her appetite.  Maybe it worked.  She also ate some scrambled eggs the next morning.  So, right now she is back to her "normal" but very, very skinny.

Monday I am going to Detroit to visit family.  I will stay three nights at my mom's house.  We'll go shopping!  I have lot's of fun with her.  I look forward to my fall trip to Detroit every year.

Thunderstorms and heavy rain are the weather of the day.  I've had this "anxious" feeling all day so far.  I feel like I'm nervous or anxious about something.  I don't know.  - Jimmy

Home Alone

I am sitting on the front porch.  It's a beautiful evening.  I am home alone.  Guests have gone to dinner and Marguerite is in Detroit visiting family.  It's nice.  Some alone time will be good for me.  Tonight I plan to go to Ray's grave and water the grass we planted.  Then I will come home and finish watering the gardens and potted plants.  For dinner I will have my leftovers from the other night.  I made sauteed port tenderloin with diced apples, shallots and raisins.  The sauce that is with it is wonderful!

Yesterday I missed Ray so much.  I love looking at his name...RAY.  I saw a refrigerator magnet of a chef with the name RAY on it today in the kitchen.  I smiled.  I love to look at his name and his writing.  I was just going over some recipes I found and they are all in his writing.  On the top of one recipe it said "From Mondo's Recipe Book of Creative Genius."  Mondo was one of the names he gave himself.  His "rock star" name...Mondo Verone.  At the bottom of the recipe he wrote "bon appetit!"  I know it has been eight months since he died but I just still can't get a grip on that fact.  I never knew how much of an impact it would have on me if he was ever out of my life.  I truly never knew.  I thought I was a "big boy" and would be able to accept death.  I always knew that one of us would die before the other (unless we  both died in a tragic accident or something).  I figured that I would be able to accept it and move on.  It's not that way.  And maybe because he died so young and so fast.  I don't know.  But I do know that I miss him.  I miss him terribly.  I'm sure that those who are reading this are starting to get tired of hearing that, but it is how I feel.  There is so much I want to share with him and tell him.  It will have to wait until we are in heaven together.  - Jimmy

PS:  Hello to Raguoc!

Good Bye Gabby and Greener Grass for Ray

Today Marguerite and I went to the cemetery and buried Gabby with Ray.  Then we cleaned out the weeds that grew on the soil above his plot and planted grass seed.  It should start to look better soon.

Amity is not eating.  I afraid she will eventually starve herself to death.  She eats treats and cream, but isn't eating her food now. 

- Jimmy

It's Not A Real Person

Well, I got my answer.  Horace Raddish is not a real person.  A reader of my blog (guest/friend Dave Laski) went to Notre Dame High School.  He was a freshman when Ray was a senior.  He saw my post and sent me an email that he was on the year book committee and they had people submit "silly" names for someone and found a picture from the 1950's year book.  Horace Raddish won for the fake name and they used the picture from the 50's.  How ironic is that!?  Within less than 24 hours I got my answer to the oddest question I could even come up with.  Scratch that one off the list I have for Ray.

Today Marguerite and I went to see the Lakeshore Community Chorus at the Saugatuck Center for the Arts.  It was fantastic.  As I listened I thought to myself that they should do a Christmas concert.  Well guess what?!  They are.  Who knew.

This was the third time I have sat in the art center since Ray died.  I couldn't help but get teary eyed sitting there.  I thought about all the times we sat there and watched shows together.  Now he wasn't there for me to put my arm around his seat.  I miss that.  I miss his companionship.  A partner.  I miss it terribly.  I miss HIM terribly.

We are going to Friedl's for dinner tonight.  She's back in town so you'll probably be seeing her name on here a lot again.  In two months she and I will be in Vienna!!!  - Jimmy

I'll Ask Him If That Was A Real Person

Outside of the work I "HAVE to do," the last several days I have been quite lazy.  I think my body and my mind just need a good break from the last four months.  Considering I haven't had an actual day off since April, I'm just pooped.  I could clean the basement, clean out my office, organize my clothes, box up Ray's clothes for Goodwill, etc., etc., I just don't feel like it.  I will have all winter to do those things, so I'm gonna just be lazy for now.  I'm looking forward to the six nights in Key West soon. 

It is very cool out, rainy and damp (of course it would be damp if it's raining).  That adds to the "blah" of the day.  I'm sitting in room 3 looking out the windows as I type the blog.  I just love the view in here.  I wish Ray was sitting next to me...keeping me warm.  He could always do that.  He was hot blooded, so on any given cold winter night I just had to have him next to me in bed, or cuddle up to him to keep warm.  He was always so hot, he had to take clothes off.  I, of course, didn't mind that! 

I brought some flowers to Ray's graveside yesterday.  They were flowers from one of our dining room tables.  I wanted to show him how good they looked since I've had to take on that job of his.  Marguerite has helped in that area as well though.  She has worked her fanny off in some of the gardens that Ray let get a little out of hand.  I told Marguerite I didn't get involved in the gardening and just figured Ray was doing what he wanted with them.  With how overgrown the gardens were with ferns I wonder if he just lost interest or just gave up on the ferns taking over.  I'm keeping a list of questions I want to ask him when I see him in the afterlife.  One question is about someone in his senior class.  In his Notre Dame year book there is a picture of a "geeky" looking kid with the name Horace Raddish (horseraddish...get it).  I believe it had to be a joke, if not the poor kid's parents were very mean.  So, I'll ask him if that was a real person.  - Jimmy

Counting My Blessings

Today I went through a bag of old cards.  Birthday cards, Christmas cards, "new job" cards and mostly cards from Ray.  Birthday, Valentine's, Sweetheart and miscellaneous cards.  How amazing to go through those.  I have all the original cards he sent me back when we first started to officially date in September/October/November of 1989.  There was so much love poured out in those cards it made me cry.  I cried because I miss having someone around who loves me like that.  However, having those cards to look back at is a blessing to me.

So, as I stated yesterday, I am going to list some of the things I am thankful for.  Here are some:

• Having the cards Ray gave to me over the years
• Having had as wonderful of a realtionship two people could have for 21 years
• Knowing Ray did not have to suffer a long and difficult battle
• My close and dear friends who have taken me under their wings
• Ray's wonderful family
• My wonderful family
• My great guests/friends
• Through God, Ray has made sure I'm taken care of financially for now (we made sure both of us would be "ok" for a couple years without having that stress)
• My cats
• My nice home/business
• A good mode of transportation
• The beautiful days God gives each day
• Costco
• Sam's Club
• Big Lot's
• TJ Maxx
• Judge Judy
• The internet
• Videos of Ray
• Pictures of Ray
• The great vacations we took together
• Special time's spent with my mom
• People who care about me
• My health
• Wonderful Food
• Lake Michigan
• Chocolate/Peanut Butter Ice Cream

I guess this list is more like a "blessings" and "things I'm thankful for" list. 

I so cherished my life with Ray that it is just very difficult to move on.  I know it appears so on the outside but inside I just can't let him go.  I never will.  - Jimmy

The Things I Miss

Last night I went to the Grand Rapids Airport to pick up my friend Friedl.  They have a "cell phone parking" area for people waiting to pick up passengers.  You park and wait until you get the cell phone call that they have their luggage and are ready to be picked up.  It works out great.

As I sat in the car and waited I was thinking about the times Ray and I would be arriving at the Grand Rapids Airport and picking uo our luggage from a wonderful trip.  It occurred to me that it was such a mundane task which I miss terribly.  Probably more so because it can never happen again.  Then I sat and thought about the things I miss. 

Here are some of the things I miss:

• Waiting for our luggage at the airport after a wonderful trip somewhere
• Holding hands
• A morning kiss
• His excitement on Christmas morning
• Ray buying a newspaper on Thanksgiving and Christmas so he can see the top headline "Happy Thanksgiving" or "Merry Christmas"
• Hearing him come up the back steps onto the porch
• His smile
• His reassurance when I was worried
• His asking "how much did you spend" when I came home from the Dollar Tree
• They way he called out Moscow's name when he wanted her to come in
• Watching Desperate Housewives together
• Watching Cash Cab together
• His dinners
• Going to the Outlet Mall in Michigan City together
• Our Mackinac Island fall vacations
• The touch of his leg on mine
• The security of our relationship
• Sitting together on the front porch after a long day and having a big ole' cocktail
• Watching him walk across the street from the grocery store
• His big laugh (when he thought something was funny...you knew)
• Going to the DCI (Drum Corps International) shows together the last couple years
• Going out to eat together (we LOVED to do that)
• His childish ways (and I mean that in a GOOD way)
• His reliance on me to take care of and plan things
• His love for all creatures - especially our cats
• Coming home to him after a day of subbing
• Walks on the beach together
• His simple ways
• Making the trip to buy the Christmas tree every year
• Our unconditional love
• His smile (yes, again)
• The fact that I will never see hm again in this life

I could go on and on.  This is the tip of the ice-berg.  In spite of all those around me, I still feel so lonesome at times.  Even in a group gathering I can feel all alone. 

This blog is not meant to be a "downer" - just me sharing my thoughts.  Updating my life to those who seem to care.  Today I just wanted to share the things I miss about my relationship with Ray.  And, in spite of all that, I have so much to be thankful to God for.  SO MUCH!!  He has blessed me through all of this in so many ways.  I will think of those blessings tonight and blog about them tomorrow.  The list of blessings just may be bigger.  God has taken very, very good care of me.  - Jimmy

Post Labor Day

Well, it is now "post Labor Day" and the fall season will soon be in full swing.  Last night, guests/friends Fred and Kym made dinner for us.  Fred slow grilled pork loin.  Delicious.  Today was room cleaning day, as well as laundry, pool cleaning, etc.  Still quite busy.  It is totally sunny today, but very strong wind gusts. 

It's hard to believe that in just over two months it will the the one year anniversary of Ray's cancer diagnosis.  A year!!!  The more time moves on the more far away it seems like he will get from me.  That scares me.  My grief counselor says that is not true.  He is no more further away from me now than he was on January 3, the night he died.  But, as time goes by and things happen in life, experiences are had, and changes made, it feels like he is getting further away from me.  Crazy thoughts...I know.

I did have a dream about him last night though.  It was a very nice dream.  It makes me smile.  At least I can look forward to those!

I will be subbing again this year.  I'm all set up in the system so soon I'll be seeing all the kids again.

- Jimmy

I Made It

Here it is...Labor Day.  All of the guests have checked-out.  I made it through the summer of 2010.  As I mentioned yesterday, I could never have made it work so well without Marguerite.  She helped make everything flow so smoothly.  There were rough times for me emotionally.  I think I was able to mask those times enough so that no one knew...probably not even Marguerite (at least not until now).  I've told several people that running the bed and breakfast this year has been kind of like doing performances.  I put on a show.  A good one I think   Don't get me wrong, most times I was feeling great...there were just times that I had to put on a face. 

I'm getting close to the anniversary of Ray's diagnosis.  Just two more months.  I am so nervous about how I will be feeling as that time approaches.  God, I miss him so much!  I can't wait to be with him again one day.  - Jimmy

Do They Help or Hurt?

Well, I did it!  I've made it through the first summer without Ray.  Actually, tomorrow will be the official day, but it's close enough.  I am approaching tomorrow with a lot of fear.  I can feel a build up of emotions within me.  I'm very nervous about how I will be feeling.  I am somewhat sick to my stomach.  After all our guests would leave on Labor Day we would say "they're all gone...we made it through another summer!"  Most Labor Days we would then just veg out and enjoy each other's private company...even skinny dip in the pool (mainly just because we could since no one else was here).  I a going to miss that very much!  I've been doing real good, but tomorrow is going to be a rough day for me once everyone is gone.

Marguerite has been a God-send.  The guests love her and many have said she is a "perfect fit for the Kirby House."  It would have been a tougher sumer for me if she hadn't been here.  The trip to Key West (in 22 days) is one way of saying "thank you" for all her work and support.

Today is a sunny, beautiful day.  Just perfect.  Nice cool breeze.  I have the front door wide open so that fresh air can pass through the house. 

I watched a video of Ray this morning.  It was from about 1992 or 1993.  Sometimes I wonder if having pictures and videos are nice or if it would be better to not have any (like before cameras were invented).  Sometimes I think that having these media options makes it harder to move on.  It's too easy to see and hear your loved one alive and so you want to keep holding on.  I am glad I have them, but I don't know if they help the grieving process or hurt it.

These are my thoughts today.   - Jimmy

A New Life

Where does time go?  I haven't blogged in three days.  It was great spending time with Scott and Mary Ellen.  A lot of time just "hanging out" together and laughing.  Sentimental moments at the cemetery.  They spent three days here so they had a chance to unwind.  Scott went bike riding with Marguerite a couple mornings before breakfast.  Mary Ellen and I shared some of our own sense of humor.  We "click" real good in that area.  They plan to be back in a couple weeks.

It has turned quite cooler here.  In the 60's and low 70's today.  About 20 degrees lower than it has been.  I am actually kind of enjoying it.  It is very windy though. 

All the "regulars" are starting to stagger in.  One by one the house is beginning to fill up with repeat guests.  All eight rooms are booked.  This weekend will be one that feels like a sense of normalcy in my life....other than the BIG fact that Ray is not here.

In my journey I am finding that a new life is starting for me.  Slowly as things change I am seeing this new life.  Different furniture.  Different car.  Changes made to the house.  Experiences without Ray sharing them.  Things done (and planned to do) on my own.  A sense of excitement.  A sense of sadness.  A sense of guilt.  I'm in complete control now and that's scarey. 

Amity is doing better.  Maybe she was just having a "down" day on Monday.  I'm keeping my eye on her and giving her as much love as I can. - Jimmy