Anniversary, Faith and Going Home

Although Ray and I first "caught each others' eyes" on Memorial Day of 1998, we celebrate September 22 as our "official" anniversary.  That is the day we first went out to dinner together and both knew we were in love.  We selected that date since we can't legally have a wedding anniversary.  So, today is our "anniversary."  My celebration?  Lunch with Scott and Mary Ellen and dinner with my mom.  Maybe both are a next best choice for celebration.  Scott made an awesome lunch and the three of us sat out back at their house in St. Claire Shores.  My mom and I had Chinese from Peking Villa in Harper Woods. 

It's hard to be in my old stomping ground knowing what great beginnings Ray and I had here and to know that he is gone.  However, I can hear my grief counselor telling me how thankful I should be that I even have those great memories...some people will never have that.  I know that is true...but it still hurts to know he is gone.  Maybe the visit back to Detroit is bitter-sweet. 

Sometimes I wonder why life is worth living if we are all just going to end up dying anyway.  I hear all the "correct" responses, but I still think "why bother."  Ray's death has made that such a reality for me.  He was 1/2 my life, shouldn't I WANT to be with him?  If I were 100% absolutely sure that I would be with him in heaven, in a perfected life, with no pain, sin, or worries why wouldn't I just want to take my life and be with him now?  Maybe because I'm really not sure.  Can you have strong faith with some doubt?    Or, does some doubt mean you have NO faith? 

I am going home tomorrow.  Saugatuck that is.  My new home of 13 years.   Susie is in for a visit from Colorado.  It will be great seeing her again.  - Jimmy