Feeling Refreshed

Well, I slept a little better last night.  Didn't wake up till 6:15 a.m.  I feel well rested.  My mind feels clear.  I guess I will still have my ups and downs for a while.

I visited Ray's grave yesterday (as I do most days).  I got very emotional driving home.  I was thinking that I just wanted him home...yet how out of control I was of making that happen.  I need those releases.  Maybe that is why my mind is clear today.  I need to let the tears flow so I can get the release I need.

I cleaned the apartment a little again yesterday.  Yes, I threw out Ray's electric toothbrush.  No one can know what a HUGE step that was for me.  The day I saw it for the first time after he died I broke into a huge emotional cry.  Crazy, but I did.  I don't think anyone can know how I feel unless they have lost the same loss as me.  This weekend we had a guest that stayed with us who lost her partner of 25 years to cancer this last May.  We shared a small conversation and the thoughts, feelings and experiences we both had seemed identical.  Maybe it's time I get involved in a group grief counseling session. 

Today I'll finish cleaning the apartment, try to defrost the refrigerator/freezer in the pantry and finish up some laundry.  I am going to dinner tonight with Tony and Kelly to a friend of theirs.  Tomorrow I will take Marguerite to the doctor and then go to Grand Rapids with Friedl.  Tomorrow night I will pick up Karelen and Drew from the train station in Holland.  Very busy day tomorrow. 

I am feeling refreshed this morning.  - Jimmy

Small Steps are Big Steps to Me

Up early again.  My mind is just a mass of thoughts.  I was laying on the couch, covered by a comforter given to Ray by a nurse in Holland Hospital.  So my thoughts wander back to her, the staff there, Ray walking around the floor trying to get exercise.  I don't think my mind will ever clear of this.  It may become less frequent, but it will always be a permanent imprint on my mind. 

I feel like I am making some progress in spite of the constant thoughts I have.  Yesterday I decided to do some cleaning in the apartment.  I disconnected Ray's heart monitor and packed it up to ship back.  The heart monitor was in the bedroom on his nightstand.  It was connected to the phone line and sent signals from Ray's defibrillator.  This was one of those things that I "just couldn't do."  By disconnecting it there is a certain feeling of the reality that he will never be back.  I also threw out two old robes that he wore.  It's a start for me.  A start for me to accept the reality.  A start for me to move on.  I hate to use the term "move on" because it sounds so harsh.  At least to me it does.  However, it is the reality.  Maybe if I continue to clean things up, take things to Goodwill, etc. it will help me get some closure and not live in the past.  I just might even unplug and throw out his electric toothbrush today.  It sounds like such a simple task, but to me it is an emotional event.  More reality, and it hurts.  I have to start doing this though.  I am getting close to a year now.  I compare these steps I'm taking to someone who has been in a terrible accident and lost use of their legs for a while.  They slowly go through physical therapy.  Taking small steps.  Standing for the first time is a big event.  Then, walking a few yards is something to get excited about.  Slowly, each small step is a step closer to getting back to normal.  But, normal may not be the same as before.  Slowly my small steps are a step closer to my healing.  Closer to "my" normal.  Tasks like throwing out old robes or old toothbrushes seem like nothing to other people, but to me they are BIG steps.  Those are my thoughts and feelings today.  - Jimmy 

I Will Have Survived

It's 4:50 a.m.  I can't sleep.  I've been up since 3:30 a.m.  My mind whirls.  I think about New Year's last year.  I think about the day/moment I found Ray dead.  I think about the funeral.  My mind whirls.  I get sick to my stomach.  Some days I feel so good about moving on and then I hit a point where I stop and step back a little.  I guess this will go on for a while.  It's important for me to write these things down so I can get these feelings out and organized.  Maybe it will help me get back to sleep so I can have a productive day.  I know that writing down my feelings will help me in the future.  I will be able to look back and see my progress.

I have a pretty busy week.  Monday I am taking Marguerite to the hospital for surgery on her foot.  I am going to Detroit on Tuesday to hook up my mom's TiVo to her cable.  It will be nice to see her.  I am coming home on Wednesday.  On Thursday I am picking up guests from the train station in Holland, Karlene and Drew.  Then we're already into the weekend.  The busy week will help keep my mind occupied.

Fall is in full swing.  I am now approaching the dreadful "one year" anniversaries..."a year ago today...."  Dates I will never forget....November 9, November 10, November 19, November 20, December 4, December 11, December 22, December 29, December 31, January 2, January 3, January 8.....They are cast in stone in my memory.  Each one of those days I can relive....I can tell you exactly what happened on those days in 2009/2010.  I dread their approach, but will be happy when they are over.  I will have survived a year.  It gives me hope.  - Jimmy

I Realize That Now

Sometimes it seems like death is the easy way out.  The responsibilities are left to someone else.  I remember Ray used to say how sad he would be the day one of the cat's might die.  He didn't have to experience that.  I am missing my Amity so much right now, and these thoughts run through my mind.  When you're "gone" there is no responsibility.  It's all over.  So then I think...why worry about things in life.  Enjoy it...because when it's over...it's over.  So live, love and laugh.  Enjoy the moment, because you never know when it will end.  I think I am starting to love life again. 

I am so thankful to my wonderful friends and family who have been here for me over the last year.  Their support, love and care have carried me through.  I've come a long way in the last 10 months.  I realize that now. - Jimmy

Should Be Fun

So, a nice day trip to Chicago yesterday.  Had lunch at P.F. Chang's, took Friedl to her doctor, and then Marguerite and I walked Michigan Avenue to Water Tower Place/Mall.  After living in Saugatuck for 13 years now the big city of Chicago seems so foreign to me.  Not overwhelming, just such a different lifestyle, landscape, etc.  It's beautiful but I don't think I could ever live there...unless I HAD to.  I just love living in West Michigan.  So, to me Chicago is a nice place to visit.

Today is a sunny and beautiful fall day.  I will start to clean some rooms and then I have grief counseling this afternoon.  I bought a fish tank last week, so I will go to the pet store in Holland before counseling and buy some stuff for it.  I will put the goldfish (from the fountain outside) in it for the winter.  Who knows what Wiley or Moscow will do when they see it?!

I can clearly see that Wiley is agitated.  He seems a little disoriented.  He was so used to having his "companion" around all his life.  They slept together, napped together, played together...and now she is gone in an instant.  He is spending more time down on the main floor with me so now Moscow is getting used to having him around.  All three of us are experiencing "new lives."  A new schedule, routine and lifestyle. 

Well, before I finished this blog I found out my grief counseling is rescheduled.  That's ok.  As long as I can go before I leave for Vienna.  I've got a lot to share.

Tomorrow is a big dinner party at Friedl's.  Should be fun.  - Jimmy

I Am Starting to Accept It

I'm not really sure how many people (if any) are still reading my blog, but I will keep posting.  Mostly because it is helping me.  Yesterday (and this morning) I was reading my blog posts from January.  WOW!  It almost seems like it was another person.  I didn't realize how far I have actually come.  Some of the things I don't even remember.  That is why I am so glad I have them to look back at.  My feelings were so strong and the way I wrote them down is just amazing...such explicit descriptions of my feelings.  I was really in quite a deep pit.  It now makes me realize how far I have come.  At times I think I have not done any better, now I know I have.  My biggest suggestion to people who are suffering a loss would be to keep a journal, then look back at it.  You'll see how far you have really come.

Today I am going to Chicago with Friedl and Marguerite.  Friedl has a doctor's appointment there so we are leaving early, having lunch and then who knows what.  A great "day trip" for us.  I am happy today.  My life is new.  I am starting to accept it.  - Jimmy

Wow...what a dream I had last night.  Totally crazy.  I'll try to describe it as best I can.  It went on for a long time too.

I got a call from the hospital saying I can come and pick up Ray.  I, of course, was confused.  He's been dead for 10 months now. When I got to the hospital Ray was there and told me the whole thing was a hoax!  I was in shock.  He said he wanted me to realize how much I really loved it and if he had died I would come to realize how much.  I couldn't believe it.  My mom and many other people were in on it and they knew he was still alive!  I, however, was not happy.  I was angry.  I couldn't believe he would put me through this entire year of grieving, mourning, a funeral, emotions, grief counseling, on and on.  I was so mad at him.   Then I said, "what about the insurance?  We'll have to pay them back and I've already paid for the funeral and things around the house?!"  Then I thought how upset he was going to be when he saw the changes I made.  I was frantic!  What made me so angry (rather than being happy to see him) was that he did this all as a hoax just to make a point.  And, why did he wait so long?  A one day prank (which this would be a horrible prank) would maybe make his point, but almost a year!  And, to have several people in on it, including my mother, was just shocking.

Well.  That is all I can post today.  That is enough!  I am seeing a faint light though.  I am approaching it with some trepidation, but I'm moving toward it.  - Jimmy

Empty

I feel empty today.  In spite of being around a ton of active middle school kids today (subbing) I felt so alone.  Even here with Marguerite I feel empty.  Like my soul just keeps shutting down.  So much of my love is leaving me.  I have just been lonely, empty, sick today.  That is how I feel.  I know people may not want to hear that, but it's how I feel.

I feel so bad for Wiley.  (By the way, Wiley is Amity's brother.)  He knows things are not normal.  Today when I was subbing Marguerite said she hear Wiley in my apartment crying to come out.  He was lonely I'm sure.  She said he wandered around the first floor "crying."  I will sleep with him on the third floor tonight to give him some sense of normalcy.  Last night we slept on the first floor.

I am sure I will heal again.  It just seems like the minute my scab starts to heal over it is ripped off yet again.  I miss Amity.  I miss Ray.  I miss my brother who died three years ago and my father who died fifteen years ago.  I have had so many friends lose parents this year it has been just a terrible year.  It can't get worse....can it?!  Rambling thoughts...I know.  - Jimmy

Good Bye Amity

Today at 2:00 p.m. I had Amity put to sleep.  She has been fighting her cancer for months now and this last week has been rough on her.  When I went upstairs this morning she came running down from the fourth floor and feel on the steps.  She landed at the bottom of the stair and looked shocked.  She was having trouble walking with her hind legs.  I knew I didn't want her to suffer in pain and confirmed my decision with the vet.  Friedl took me to the vet and was great support.  Another link to Ray gone.  My favorite "little girl" Amity is gone. 

I feel kind of numb right now.  I will need to get good rest tonight, I sub all day tomorrow in Saugatuck.  - Jimmy

Grilling

Friday afternoon subbing for sixth grade went great.  The school has an interesting layout for the classrooms, nothing I've seen before.  I have subbed there before, so I knew the layout, but it is very odd.  Must have been some innovative concept back in the day.

The weather has been great here.  Just great.  I'm so happy for our guests.  Sometimes it's great during the weekdays, then on the weekends it's crummy.

Grilling with guests tonight.  - Jimmy

Missing

I had grief counseling yesterday.  I was too long overdue.  I hadn't been there since late August.  It's a good release for me because I can really share what's on my mind with a professional and not worry about freaking family and friends out about my thoughts. 

I've been having a hard time lately.  I miss Ray more than ever.  I think in the beginning I was in shock, grief, mourning, alone, pain, uncertainty, etc.  Now, while I'm still in grief, I am beginning to really, really miss him.  It's been nine months and I miss him so much.  My life is so changed and most times I really hate that.  I hate that this happened.  I hate that Ray had to suffer, that he had to die so young.  I hate that he is gone from me. 

Amity seems to be doing well.  I must have had some 24 hour bug today, so I laid in bed a lot of the time.  Amity laid there right on top of me.  She was in her glory.

I sub 1/2 a day tomorrow for sixth grade in Holland.  First time subbing since May.  Wish me luck.  - Jimmy

Home and Dreams of Ray

Home from Key West. Other than some minor airline "glitches" everything went great. Even the weather turned out quite nice. Sunny and gorgeous most of the time. We swam in the pool and ocean, went snorkeling, toured Hemmingway's house, rented a small electric car and toured the island, ate awesome food, slept in, and enjoyed margueritas. There were times that it was very hard for me. After 21 years, it's still wierd to take a vacation and not have Ray along to share it with me. It's odd to be in such a beautiful place and feel an empty pain in the middle of your stomach. I'm trying, very hard, to move along but I seem to have come to a temporary "dead end."

One thing I noticed on this trip was a change in how I felt when the plane took off and landed. I ALWAYS had a fear of taking off and landing. I heard that is when most crashes happen. I didn't have any problems (fear) at all. I was completely calm at every take off and landing. I think I just have become totally unafraid of death. I guess I figure it would be an escape from the pain/grieving I'm going through and reunite me with Ray. I always felt I was unafraid of death, but there were time's I did fear it. It just seems that I don't anymore. I don't know...it's hard to put these thoughts down so other can try to understand what my messed up mind is thinking.

I had a dream of Ray last night. In the dream he was laying in our bed (shirt off as always) and I laid next to/across him and hugged him hard and cried and cried saying "I want you back so bad. I want you back so bad." It was nice and it was sad. At least I got to hold him in my dream last night.

I have grief counseling tomorrow...just in time. I'm not doing too much today. Just kind of vegging out after the full day of travel yesterday. Tomorrow I'll get back on track. I am subbing for sixth grade in Holland on Friday. - Jim