Home from Key West. Other than some minor airline "glitches" everything went great. Even the weather turned out quite nice. Sunny and gorgeous most of the time. We swam in the pool and ocean, went snorkeling, toured Hemmingway's house, rented a small electric car and toured the island, ate awesome food, slept in, and enjoyed margueritas. There were times that it was very hard for me. After 21 years, it's still wierd to take a vacation and not have Ray along to share it with me. It's odd to be in such a beautiful place and feel an empty pain in the middle of your stomach. I'm trying, very hard, to move along but I seem to have come to a temporary "dead end."
One thing I noticed on this trip was a change in how I felt when the plane took off and landed. I ALWAYS had a fear of taking off and landing. I heard that is when most crashes happen. I didn't have any problems (fear) at all. I was completely calm at every take off and landing. I think I just have become totally unafraid of death. I guess I figure it would be an escape from the pain/grieving I'm going through and reunite me with Ray. I always felt I was unafraid of death, but there were time's I did fear it. It just seems that I don't anymore. I don't know...it's hard to put these thoughts down so other can try to understand what my messed up mind is thinking.
I had a dream of Ray last night. In the dream he was laying in our bed (shirt off as always) and I laid next to/across him and hugged him hard and cried and cried saying "I want you back so bad. I want you back so bad." It was nice and it was sad. At least I got to hold him in my dream last night.
I have grief counseling tomorrow...just in time. I'm not doing too much today. Just kind of vegging out after the full day of travel yesterday. Tomorrow I'll get back on track. I am subbing for sixth grade in Holland on Friday. - Jim
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