Clear My Mind

I stayed home today to finish the rooms for this upcoming new year.  A full house and I didn't want to come home Wednesday and be stressed with finishing the rooms, making the soup, dessert, menu, check-ins, etc.  So I stayed home today to get rooms and laundry done.  That probably worked out for the best because my cold took a turn for the worst when I woke up this morning.  So, I've been getting things done today at a very slow pace.  I will try to leave for Detroit tomorrow and then return Wednesday.

Moscow is sleeping here between my legs all curled up as I watch Judge Judy.  She is warm and comfortable.  (Moscow that is, not Judge Judy!)  It also makes me feel better.

I am home alone.  I think that is good for me.  Some private time to gather my thoughts as I approach the year anniversary of Ray's death.  Clear my mind.   - Jimmy

A Hard Day

Wow, I've really had a hard time this morning.  I feel terrible.  My guests left early so I didn't have to do breakfast this morning...thank God.  I didn't think I would be able to pull it off because of the way I was feeling.  I feel real anxious, depressed and "unsure."  It's hard to describe.  I can only imagine it is because of dealing with this first Christmas and the upcoming anniversary of Ray's death.  January 3rd is going to be hell for me.  I must keep myself occupied and busy that day.  My grief counselor did say that I should do something that day in his honor.  If anyone has a suggestion please comment below.  I want to do something that honors him but won't make me terribly depressed.

I am planning on a visit to Detroit this week.  I want to see my mom.  I plan to leave on Monday and return on Wednesday.  It will be good for me.  - Jimmy 

Merry Christmas to All - and to All A Good Night

Well, here it is, the first Christmas without Ray in 21 years.  I did "ok" and only cried twice.  Once while sitting on the couch looking at the tree and decorations and once when I went to the cemetery.  A year ago I NEVER (in my wildest dreams) would have thought that I would be visiting Ray at the cemetery the following Christmas.  Sometimes it is just so unbelievable.  However, all in all, I have done well this season.  I was so afraid of it approaching...dreading it.  I did it though.  I got through it pretty good actually.  We'll see how I am doing in 10 days...maybe good.

Not much snow here.  I can actually see the grass.  Thank God.  Went for a walk earlier...baby it's cold outside!

Drew is here with me and he is making dinner for us.  We are having "surf and turf."  Lobster tail and New York strip steaks.  Plus he is making a creamy gyere and shrimp pasta as a SIDE dish.  It sounds like a main dish to me.  He is very sweet, kind and caring and he has been a waiter all his life.  (Does life repeat itself?) 

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all...and to all a good night! - Jimmy

Day By Day

A beautiful day here.  Sunny and dry.  But very cold.  I awoke this morning with the beginning of a cold.  Not as in "temperature" but as in "sick."  I was just bragging yesterday to Ray's brother in law Sunny that I have not been sick at all for about a year and a half.  Never got sick last winter for the first time in 42 years.  I should have kept my mouth shut.

I picked Drew up from the train station last night.  I made chili dogs for us to eat for dinner.  Today we went running some errands but it was tough for me because I have this cold starting.  However, I can relax tomorrow.  One room is checking in for three nights.

Margerite left for Detroit today.  She is attending Mary Ellen's father's funeral.  Then she'll be spending time with family for Christmas. 

Day by day.  - Jimmy

He Came Home From The Hospital

One year ago tonight Ray came home from the hospital.  We got home at about 6:15 pm.  Stopped at the drug store to pick up his medication on the way home.  I called the Saugatuck Drug Store and asked what time they closed....they said 6:00 pm.  I told them I was on my way with Ray from the hospital to pick up his medication and I would be there just a few minutes after 6:00 pm.  They waited for me and let me in to pick it up.  How great is that?  You wouldn't find that at CVS or Wallgreen's.  That night Moscow slept with him. 

I cleaned the apartment today.  I threw a bunch of old crap out.  It was very cleansing.  I now want to keep going on that.  Come January I plan to tackle the basement.  I can't wait!  I'm ready to move on.  A fresh start. 

On a sad note, Ray's sister-in-law's father died yesterday.  He had pancreatic cancer.  The funeral in on Thursday, but I won't be able to attend.  Guests are checking in Thursday and staying until Sunday.  - Jimmy

Fond and Happy Memories

Well, it is Christmas week.  Final preparations under way.  I went to Holland yesterday and forgot to stop at Barnes and Noble to pick up a book for my niece Lauren.  So, I am on my way today.  Or, I might just buy online and have it shipped to her. 

Drew is coming in tomorrow night from Chicago.  He will be spending Christmas here with me.  He plans to stay through new year's.  I am looking forward to it.

Compared to the rest of the nation we hardly have any snow here.  We are actually very lucky.  Rain and mudslides in California, 15 feet of snow (yes FEET) in the mountains of California, blizzards in the midwest and east coast.  We have just about six inches of snow...if that.  I'm thankful.

Compared to last year's "month from hell" this is such a laid back, relaxing holiday.  Last year was just pure hell.  I remember calling my mom at one point and saying I just wanted to throw out all of the Chirstmas decorations.  I was just over it.  I didn't think I would be able to ever look at the beautiful decorations the same way again.  It's amazing how the healing process goes.  I can look at them all with joy and delight.  Fond and happy memories.  - Jimmy

I Will Never Grow

Up early yet again.  I haven't changed my clock in the bedroom from daylight savings time...so I thought it was 6:40 a.m., but it was 5:40 a.m.  I thought 6:40 was an "ok" time to get up, but whew....this is too early, especially since I don't have to get get up. 

My mind whirls.  I think about EVERYTHING and it keeps me up.  So, why not just get out of bed rather than lay there miserable.  I've checked my email, facebook and subbing jobs.  There was a PE job available today, but it was in a district I'm not registered for.  I don't know why those jobs keep showing up.  I'll have to contact them and see what's up with that!

I had a great time at Friedl's last night.  Karlene and I went there for dinner and had a great time.  We looked at the coffee table book we made from our trip to Vienna.  Friedl made a wonderful chicken stir fry with rice.  And...tonight Marguerite and I go to friend's for a "cookie exchange." 

I am healing more and more every day.  I am starting to accept my new life.  I just have to move on.  I need it.  The business needs it.  My family and friends need it.  I have realized that accepting it doesn't mean I forget Ray.  I've had this guilty feeling that if I embrace and accept my new life that I am dishonoring Ray.  I'm not, it's just reality.  I will always cherish my Ray.  But, as much as I want it, I can never have him back.  I can't let myself deteriorate.  I know he would move on...and he would want me to also.  I move forward now.  Rather than standing still and looking back...I am moving ahead.  If I don't I will never grow.  - Jimmy

Mac and Cheese, Coffee Tables Books and Train Station

I watched "Glee" for the first time last night.  I don't know what took me so long...it was great!  Last night was Madonna songs then another show with Brittany Spears songs.  Someone told me they were reruns, but it was the first time for me.  I loved it.

I'm going to go into Holland this afternoon.  Need to pick up some things at Meijer and then I just might stop at TJ Maxx.  Or...maybe Target.  Not sure, I'll have to see how I feel. 

I still haven't gotten to my Christmas cards.  Maybe today. 

I have to pick a guest (Karelen) up at the train station tonight.  I'm going to stop at Friedl's first though and have a glass of wine...at about 8:00.  She is getting her hair done and wants to make sure someone sees it.  A ploy to get me to come by and visit.  Also, I am going to bring the book we made on Sunday night.  We went online and made a coffee table book from our visit to Vienna.  It is being delivered today. 

I feel pretty good today.  I'm going to make a gourmet mac and cheese for dinner.  We had this "mac and cheese" at the Green Well in Grand Rapids.  It is NOT your mothers mac and cheese.  It is amazing.  In the recipe you'll find snow peas, chicken, bacon, ham, mushrooms and tomatoes, along with bread crumbs.  - Jimmy 

...But I Don't

It is sunny outside and bitter cold.  Only in the 20s today, ten degrees lower than the normal average temperatures.  Slept well last night. 

I think I'll get going on my Christmas cards today.  I started last week, but didn't get too far.  I'm only sending out a very limited amount to family and close friends.  Last year I didn't send any out.  There was too much going on with Ray's surgery and such. 

Not a lot going on in my life right now.  I think that's good.  Actually it's great.  It's been a hectic year filled with high emotions, grief, major responsibilities, and starting a new life.  Now I feel like I am settled down...normal.  Just daily routines.  It feels wierd...I feel like there is something I "HAVE" to do, but I don't. - Jimmy

Enjoying The Peace

Cold and snowy here in Douglas, Michigan.  But I haven't left the house yet today...and I don't plan to other than to shovel the snow.  I've been reading a book, cleaning house, washing dishes, and putzing around.  Just doing what I want...as I want.

I had an awesome time last night with Friedl.  We had dinner at Clearbrook and then I dropped her off at home and stopped in for a glass of wine.  We talked and talked.  Her dog, Lipsie, and I cuddled too.  She is a greyhound...and a beautiful dog.  It was just the perfect evening.

I have been waking up the last few mornings feeling very anxious.  I don't know why...maybe it's the time of year.  I feel better after taking my medication though...thank God. 

On Wednesday there is a Business Association Social at the Lakeview Lanes Bowling Alley.  I think I may go.  It may be nice to get out and chat with my peers.  Plus, I can walk there...so here I come cash bar!

My life is quiet right now.  Not too much on my mind and not too much going on.  I am enjoying the peace.  - Jimmy

It's Not Too Late For Me

A year ago right now (5:55 pm) Ray's surgery was over.  We had to wait until he was awake to see him, that was about 8:00 pm.  I remember how great he looked and acted.  He felt no pain, because his anti-pain medication from surgery was still in "effect."  We felt so good that night.  I remember going to Phil's Bar and Grill after the hospital and downtown Saugatuck looked so good.  The lights, the horse drawn carriage rides...I was so proud for Scott and Mary Ellen to see our town...and happy that things looked so good for Ray's recovery.  Memories as vivid as a full moon on a crystal clear night.  Memories that are etched in my mind forever.  It literally feels like it could have been yesterday even though it's been a long year.  Probably because I have relived that day and the following month every single day since then.  It seems like it could have been yesterday because in my mind I lived it yet again yesterday.  It's like memorizing a song.  Once you've sang it over and over and over again...you know it word for word.

The house is quiet other than the fish tank and Christmas music (and four paws running around).  It's a solitude that I think I've needed for a while.  Being alone to reflect.  Assess how I'm doing and feeling.  I went to the cemetery tonight.  I had to...being the anniversary of Ray's surgery.  I've grown a lot over the last year.  I truly see things differently than I ever have in my life.  Life is so precious.  So strong and yet so delicate. 

Love each day.  Don't let the little things irritate you.  Relax.  Smell the roses.  Appreciate your family, health, love, friends, and laugh a lot too.  Small advice from me.  Sometimes it's too late when you learn these things...it's not too late for me.  - Jimmy

One Year Anniversary

A year ago today.  The picture was taken a year ago today right before we went to the hospital.  Ray has a smile, but it looks like a "forced" smile.  It's not his usual, natural smile.  He was afraid. 

I remember the drive to the hospital so clearly.  We went in the Mazda.  Over the next two weeks I made over two dozen trips to the hospital in that car.  I am now happy I traded that car in.  It would have been a hard time getting in that car this time of year.  Just one of those small changes I made to help me move on.

I am home alone.  Maybe that is good.  It gives me some quality time to reflect and search my soul.  Not sure what I will do today.  Maybe write out some Christmas cards, watch a movie (definitely Judge Judy), maybe I'll go to Blue Star Antique Pavilion and walk around.  Maybe I'll do some laundry or clean the apartment.  Maybe I will do NOTHING!  It's nice that I have all those options.  Tonight I'm going to Clearbrook with Friedl.  What is really ironic is that I got a haircut on Decmeber 10th last year (just like this year) and Scott, Mary Ellen and I went to Clearbrook on the Saturday after Ray's sugery last year, just like this year.  The ironic thing is that this is a coincidence.  Anyway, these are just some things I realized.

Lots of snow is on the way.  I'm glad I don't have to go anywhere.  - Jimmy

Judge Judy

The temps are above freezing today and the sun is actually out.  Feels like a late March day.  I got my haircut this morning and then went to Rivertown Crossings Mall to Christmas shop.  It was a nice relaxing afternoon.  I got home in time to watch Judge Judy. 

A year ago yesterday I started this blog.  I never expected to still be writing it a year later.  A year ago today Ray's brother and sister-in-law came to town to be here for him during his surgery.  Ray had to do his "bowel prep" so he stayed upstairs in the innkeepers' quarters to drink that crap.  Scott, Mary Ellen and I ate Mexican food.  His surgery was a year ago tomorrow.  This has been a very, very long and emotional year. 

I've got guests that will be here during Christmas and they want to know where they can go out to eat.  However, I don't know any place that will be open.  I may have to send them to Holland or Grand Rapids. 

Marguerite went to Detroit this morning.  Her daughter came in from Florida and she wanted to spend some time together.  I'm glad Marguerite has been able to spend more time with her kids and siblings over the last six months she has been in Michigan.  There are no guests at the Inn this weekend...so I am all ALONE!  I think I may just enjoy it.  I'll light a fire, get cozy and either watch a movie or watch some Friday night TV.  Going to dinner tomorrow night at Clearbrook with Friedl. 

Well, I think I'm going to head to the cemetery to visit Ray and then come back to watch the 5:00 Judge Judy.  - Jimmy

I Have to Embrace It

It's Thursday....already!  The week flies by.  I made "snowball cookies" (aka:  butterball cookies) yesterday and a Dobos Torte.  Every Christmas my grandmother would make at least a dozen Dobos Tortes.  This is an eleven layer cake, originally made in Hungary.  Hungary is close to Austria so the desert carried over to there.  My grandfather was from Austria, so that must be the source for my grandmother's inspiration.  I am going to make another one today for my mom.  Marguerite is going to Detroit on Saturday, so she said she would deliver it to my mom. 

Cold outside, and only in the 20's today.  It really is pretty outside with all the snow.  However, in two months I am sure I will be writing about how sick and tired I am of it.  However, I have a wonderful 10 day cruise in March/April that I can look forward to. 

I feel great today.  I see a great big light at the end of the tunnel.  A door has opened and I am walking right in.  I've held back for a couple months, but it seems right.  Yes, I am talking about "dating."  I've talked in length about it with my grief counselor and she has given me great insight.  It is a long distance "relationship" right now and I think that is good for me.  I can take it slow.  His name is Drew, he lives in Chicago and I've actually known him for five years.  He has stayed here with a group of friends over the years so he knew Ray...which makes it a plus.  Otherwise he would be sick and tired of me constantly talking about "Ray." 

Back in January, February, March, April, May (and even June) I never, EVER would have thought I could feel like I do now.  I am starting to feel normal.  Actually NORMAL!  It's been a long road, because I've had to start a new life.  Yesterday I said to Marguerite that I wished Ray was back and everything was back to the way is WAS.  Then I said...it can't, it never will be, that is the reality...I have to move on.  I think I have accepted the fact that I do have a new life.  I have to embrace it.  I have no choice.  And, I can accept that fact.  - Jimmy

Very Far

Ok, this morning that song from "White Christmas" is running through my mind.  "Snow...snow...snow...I want to wash my face, my hands, my feet in snow..."  Or something to that effect.  My late brother David had his own version of that song with different body parts mentioned.  He was a crazy guy.  A real comedian. 

I'm feeling pretty good this morning.  Just couldn't sleep.  So, I got up early and put on my favorite show....Judge Judy.  Checked my email and soon I'll see what's up on Facebook.

Pretty slow here at the B&B right now.  I guess it gives me some time to catch up on my rest and enjoy the holidays. 

I can hear the snow beating against the skylights.  It must be a heavy, icy snow.  Thank God I have auto-start on my truck.  I will start it up about 20 minutes before I have to go for grief counseling. 

We've probably got about six inches of snow now.  Not as much as Holland, but it's starting to pile up. 

I'm happy.  I'm doing good.  Just continuing the journey of grief.  I believe I'm moving along quite well though.  I didn't think I would be able to get this far back in January, but I've travelled far.  Very far.  - Jimmy

My original blog is here:  http://www.kirbyhouse.com/blog

Happy and Sad at the Same Time

Is it possible to feel very happy and terribly sad at the same time?  I am doing so much better.  Evidenced by looking back at my blogs from January.  I cried tonight at my loss of Ray, but am loving the snow, Christmas music and decorations.  It's like I am living in two seperate worlds right now...at the same time. 

I vegged out all day.  Slept in until 10:00 a.m.  Watched two episodes of Judge Judy.  Watched "The View" and then started the second season of "Queer as Folk" (ok, a little late on that I know).  I did pay some bills and run a couple erronds this afternoon.  Now, instead of cooking dinner, I'm going to order pizza.  Marguerite and I are going to watch old "family videos" tonight.  From 1995. 

I have grief counseling tomorrow.  I am ready for it.  I have a lot to talk about and clarify.  - Jimmy

Relaxing

OK, feeling a bit more rested today.  Finished breakfast this morning, cleaned up and now I am just taking it easy today.  Not really planning on doing anything in particular.  Although, I am catching up on Judge Judy episodes I have on my TiVo.

It is very windy and cold out.  The snow is falling too.  We are supposed to get 8 inches of snow over the next three days. 

It's nice to be able to sit and relax.  Over the last two months it seems like I've constantly had something to do.  Pack, plan and go to Key West, then Vienna, then Thanksgiving, then decorate for Christmas and Chicago somewhere inbetween there.  So, it is nice to have time to just relax. 

A year ago today Susie came to visit Ray just before he went in for his surgery.  I think I'll give her a call.

I'm feeling good today.  I feel a little "down" and I can't really pin-point why.  - Jimmy

I Am Just Tired

Well, first Dickens Dinner Package without Ray.  Good thing there were only five people.  I got through it though. 

Today has been a tough day.  I have been so tired and exhausted.  Maybe because I've been traveling too much.  Vienea, Chicago...back home.  AND decorating.  I am just tired.  - Jimmy

I've Got My Seatbelt On

The cloudy, dark skies and snow covered ground remind me of the trips I took to Holland Hospital to visit Ray.  I remember the day we left for his surgery...he held my hand in the car and said "Do you think I'm gonna make it?"  I said "of course you will."  I believed it.  I really did.  Earlier this year someone said to me "If you want to make God laugh tell him what you have planned for your life."  (Or something to that effect.)  How true, how true.  As I went to the cemetery the other day I said "one year ago I would have NEVER imagined that I would be driving to the cemetery to pay respects to Ray." 

I am going to Grandville today to go to Costco and then to Grand Rapids to go to G.B. Russo.  G.B. Russo is a gourmet food/kitchen shop.  They have awesome stuff.  Friedl, Marguerite and Drew are going with me.  Then, we are going to The Green Well (again) for dinner.  I was scheduled to have grief counseling today, but she called to cancel because she has the flu. 

Last night I made the butternut squash soup for this weekend's dinner.  Then I made pork medallions for our dinner last night.  So the kitchen was a busy place.  I am really loving cooking.  Two years ago I would NEVER have thought I would be cooking like I am...and LOVING it.  It's a good thing or else I would starve.

Marguerite got home from Detroit yesterday.  She had a wonderful time with her family, but she said she was happy to be home.  It's great to travel, but it is always nice to get back into your own surroundings and your own bed.

I'm moving forward.  However, I anticipate that I will be having some hard times in the days ahead.  I've got my seatbelt on.  - Jimmhy

Snow and Nice Days

The first day of snow.  Winter is here.  I raked a big chunk of leaves two days ago...just in time!  Visiting the cemetery now will really bring back memories from last winter! 

Yesterday I went to the Grand Rapids Art Museum with my friend Drew.  They had the Lady Diana exhibit there.  It was quite amazing.  Over 150 personal artifacts, letters to her parents when she was a child, gowns, jewels and even the famous wedding dress.  It was really amazing to stand within inches of that famous dress.  To think she wore that on that famous day, July 29, 1981 - I remember that day myself.  Afterward we went to the Amway Grand Hotel and had a drink, then to a great neighborhood restaurant in Grand Rapids called "The Green Well."  By the time we left it was packed and there were people waiting....this was on a Tuesday night in December.  Must be popular.  At 8:00 we went to Friedl's to have dessert and watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  It was a great day.  I really enjoyed myself.

Today I will go to shopping in Holland for food for the Dickens Dinner this weekend.  I already picked up the duck. 

Ten days until the one year anniversary of Ray's surgery.  I was reading my blog from last December and it really chocked me up.  As bad as it makes me feel I have this urge to read it.  Maybe it's like looking at a bad accident.  It is horrible to look at but there is this urge and curiosity about it.  I have to look back and re-experience my feelings.  I need to do it.  To relive the memory.  So, my emotions are a roller coaster.  I am doing good though.  I have grief counseling tomorrow, I look forward to it. - Jimmy