Great Night

I got a lot done today.  Bills, laundry, painting, etc.  Very productive.  Went to Friedl's for dinner tonight.  But, didn't get home until 1:30 a.m.  OMG!!  We talked and talked and talked.  Great night.  - Jimmy

Graduation

My last day of grief counseling.  As my friend Karlene said to me "you graduate from grief counseling today."  A full year.  I could never have gotten this far without my wonderful counselor Stacey.  She guided me along this journey for the last year.  Keeping me on track.  Moving forward when I fell back.  Explaining the challenges and hurts along the way.  She showed me how I have grown over this last year.  I would never have imagined this last year would be an opportunity of growth for me...but it was.

I learned a lot this past year.  I learned that keeping or getting rid of material things does not make Ray anymore closer or apart from me.  I learned that I can keep boundaries and take responsibility for the things I am responsible for.  I've learned to stop worrying about what people "think" of me.  (That one I am still working on.)   I've learned that my faith has been strengthened.  I've learned that with love and joy comes sorrow and pain.  I've learned that you can't "plan" your life.  I've learned how to make breakfast.  I've learned that the heart does heal.  There are scars...but it does heal.

I am moving forward.  The "Just Jim" is getting adjusted to a new life.  I am no longer "Ray and Jim"...I am "Just Jim."  I know I will have my ups and downs forever...but I am still healing.  - Jimmy 

Jimmy

Well I started my day with a post on Facebook that I was going to the Shelter to look for a friend for Wiley.  My friend Philip asked if I wanted him to go with me.  He came with me to my haircut first...and he, Michael and I chatted and chatted while I got my haircut.  Then we went to see a cat at a foster home and many, many cats at the shelter.  They are all so sweet!  I even looked at dogs, but 90% were pit-bulls and mixes like that.  WOULD NOT FIT IN HERE!  I like the foster cat....Magnum (his name will have to change).  So, I may call and go back to see him and adopt him.

Got home at close to 7:00 p.m., so it was a full day. 

Tomorrow is my last day of grief counseling.  That was a mutual decision both my counselor and I made.  I think I am ready and she said (at my last visit) that she thinks I'm ready.  As I drove into Holland today with Philip I realized how far I have come.  - Jimmy

Last Year's Blog

I just read my blog from last year today, January 22, 2010.  I finished reading it with a good cry.  Wiley is on my lap as I cried and now as I type this.

Jimmy

Last Year's Blog

I just read my blog from last year today, January 22, 2010.  I finished reading it with a good cry.  Wiley is on my lap and I cried and as I now type this.

Jimmy

That's My Day

I am EXHAUSTED!  On Thursday I went to Menard's to get new paint for kitchen, granite tiles for kitchen island and some decorative panels for the chimney going through the kitchen.  I spent the day yesterday removing the small green ceramic tiles off the kitchen island.  Today I put the new granite tiles in.  I bought a tile cutter years ago and it came in handy yet again.  I finished the tile AND even grouted it.  I am pooped.  So, going to Friedl's for dinner.  Tomorrow I'll get back on painting the new color.  The color is called "silver case."

My one and only room for the weekend cancelled because of the weather.  I told them they could use their deposit for a future stay.  I'm glad they didn't venture here from Illinois in this snow, ice and cold.

I had my first cry in weeks last night.  I can't even remember that last time I really cried like that.  I've teared up, but last night was a good "real" cry.  It didn't last long, but it was a good release for me.  I went to the cemetery to be close to Ray and talk to him. 

Wiley is still following me around like a shadow.  Everyday he and his sister would cuddle up together and sleep.  Now I am the one he looks to in order to do that.  I've thought about getting another cat that is very friendly, but I don't know that I can force him to bond with another cat.  I saw one online at Harbor Humane that was a five year old male cat, declawed in the front and VERY, VERY cuddly and friendly  Maybe I should check him out.  I think his name is Mister Mittens.

That's my day.  - Jimmy 

My Life Moves Forward

I am home from Chicago.  I had a great time with great friends.  The fondu party was intimate but loads of fun.  There were only five of us as two weren't able to make it.  Steak and chicken cooked to my own liking in hot pots of oil with a variety of dips and sauces.  It was such a fun and different type of dinner party.

On Sunday I had my first visit to IKEA.  OMG!!  We went to the two story store.  There is a four story one near the airport, but I'm glad we didn't go to that one for my first visit.  That would have been too overwhelming.  The two story one was enough.  I can't believe all the things they have there.  We even had the Swedish meatballs with lingonberry sauce.  It was a great four days.

Marguerite is in Florida visiting her daughter.  So, I am home alone again.  It's very, very nice.  A year ago it was pure HELL for me to be home alone.  Now, I cherish it.  I have come so far in the last year.  I know I've been saying this a lot lately but I really didn't think it was possible to feel normal again.  I terribly miss Ray but I don't have the crushing pain I did last year.  I felt so lost with no normal life routine.  Now, I have become used to being "Jim" versus "Jim and Ray".  I don't like it, but I have no control about that. 

Friedl had me over for dinner last night.  A great time as usual.  We haven't seen each other since January 3rd so of course we had tons to talk about.  (We always do, even if we haven't seen each other in 24 hours.)  I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful, accepting friend.  She gave me my last Christmas gift.  She purchased it when we were in Vienna.  I bought a traditional Austrian jacket and hat (kind of like what Christopher Plummer wore in Sound of Music).  She bought me a pin to put on the hat which has the fur of a goat tail on it.  She had it delivered by mail, so it took a while.  I will look like a real Austrian.  Tonight I am having Friedl over for dinner. 

I am going to Menard's today.  I want to repaint the kitchen and I need to get some primer, plaster patch, and pick a new color.  I would like to get started on that this weekend.

It's a cold, cold winter morning.  It's still dark outside.  My heart is warm and the sun shines in it.

My life moves forward.  - Jimmy

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Time-Is-Running-Out.html?soid=1011198510005&aid=rBv-XAp8DQ4

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Time-Is-Running-Out.html?soid=1011198510005&aid=rBv-XAp8DQ4

Fresh Starts Every Morning

Margo and Ray at a Kirby House Cooking Class.

It's morning...I love mornings.  I think because it makes me feel like a fresh new start.  I, of course, watched a 6:30 a.m. Judge Judy.  I know it's crazy, but I just LOVE her and her show.  Some people think she's harsh and mean.  I think we need more people like that in this world.  Make people responsible for their actions and quit blaming others and "circumstance" for the stupid things they do.  Anyway...enough of my rant.

This picture is of guest/friend Margo.  Her and Karlene have done two (or maybe even three) cooking classes here at the Kirby House.  I am heading to Illinois today for a fondu party at Margo's house.  I've never been to one before so we'll see. 

I am afraid Wiley is going to really miss me.  I will be gone for three days and at the rate he has been following me around and laying on top of me anytime I sit or lay down....he is going to be really sad.  I wish I could get a cat that would instantly take the spot of his sister Amity but I guess that would be like trying to get someone to instantly take the spot of Ray.  It's ok right now because I can spend time with him and let him roam around the first floor.  However, come summer he will have to stay in the innkeeper's quarters and be all alone.  His sister didn't die until October, so he had her to spend time with all summer.  He and Moscow will NEVER get along like he and his sister.  Moscow is a "loner."  She sleeps by herself at night (although she would prefer to be between someone's legs).  Moscow prefers the companionship of another human...not another cat.  Maybe I can adopt a friendly cat from a shelter, introduce it to Wiley and maybe by summer they could be good friends.  At the same time I don't want to disrupt things too much right now.  We've been through a lot of changes this year.

I have 68 days until my cruise with my mom.  I want to lose 10-15 pounds by then...because I know I will gain 5-8 pounds on the cruise.  I'm not going on any "official" diet, just trying to eat better and start my walks again.  I think my goal is very, very reachable.  - Jimmy

Fondu Party

Grilling Pork Chops On An Early Spring Evening.

The cold temperatures make me want to just stay in the house.  I had to force myself to get out to the post office and grocery store today.  I did finish putting all of the Christmas decorations away.  YEAH!  I paid some bills online too.  So, in spite of having a very relaxing day I did get some things done. 

I have 69 days until my cruise with my mom.  I look forward to spending that time with her.  The is the third cruise with my mom...the second with just the two of us.  The first time was with Ray.  I cherish the memories of that cruise with the three of us.  I made a great coffee table book from that cruise. 

Today is a good day...emotionally.  Tomorrow I leave for Chicago for a few days.  A fondu party at Margo's house.  How fun.  - Jimmy

Ray IS Cancer Free

I shared my dream with a friend on Facebook and this was his response:

"AWWW, so sweet. mayb he came to u in your dream, b/c on his level that he is , there is no cancer, and he is in a good place. that is beautiful."

How true...and good thoughts.  - Jimmy

Time With Ray This Morning

I awake this morning with a smile in my heart.  I had a dream about Ray last night.  I can't tell you where we were but it was a big hall...or room.  He said they got all his cancer out and it had not spread anywhere.  He told me was was in complete remission.  I was so happy.  I hugged him and hugged him.  We were almost dancing we were so happy.  Unfortunately the reality of his loss hit me when I woke up.  However, I am enjoying the fact that I saw Ray last night and got to hold him.

This morning I read my blog from last January 13.  It helps me realize how far I have come.  I awake in the mornings feeling happy again.  I always loved waking up in the morning.  In the 13 years here at the Kirby House I have woke and thought "I hate this...I wish we wouldn't have done this."  I wake happy.  Enjoying a new morning.  That's not to say I've had days that I don't want to get up because I'm still tired or the bed is too comfy. 

Yesterday I spent most of the day cleaning house.  Mopping the floors, dusting, laundry etc.  It feels so good to have things looking (and smelling) fresh.  Especially with all the Christmas decorations down.  I looked at my blog from last year and it was on January 12 that my friends Candy, Doug and Philip came over to help me take the decorations down.  I'm ready for a new year!  A fresh start.

I'm going to Chicago this weekend.  Karlene and Margo are having a fondu party.  I've never been to one so I don't know what to expect.  Margo lives in South Holland, Illinois.  On Sunday Drew and I are going to his house in the city.  I'll spend a couple days there.  Then back home on Wednesday...I've got a business to run!

I think I've only got about 72 days until my cruise.  YEAH!  - Jimmy

I Feel Great

I subbed for third grade today in Jenison.  It was great.  I subbed for the same teacher before.  It was great being at the same school, kids, etc.  It is good for me to get out of the house.

Today...I feel the best that I have in 14 months.  I truly feel GREAT today.  I don't know if it's because I feel "mentally" better that I've made it through a full year or if I just truly feel better.  But, as of now I feel GREAT!!!  - Jimmy

Good Night

I've made it.  I have survived a year.  Lots of crying, counseling, praying, and figuring things out.  However, I am so ready to move on with my life.  I feel great.  Never thought I would ever feel this way again.  I spent the day cleaning the office (again), putting the 2011 reservation book together and organizing things.  I'm ready for the new year.

I have to sub for third grade tomorrow....so I will keep this short and get ready for bed.  Good Night. - Jimmy

A Final Rest and A Full Year

A year ago today at 9:30 a.m. I put Ray to his final resting place.  The Douglas Cemetery.  I went today and talked to him.  I updated him on things that were going on.  In fact, yesterday I told him things that made me angry about him.  I'm sure he would have told me my faults too if he could have spoken.  Maybe he did but I can't hear him.  It was a great release.  Both yesterday and today.  As of now, I have made it a full year through this journey.  It almost seems like now I have reached a milestone on my journey and am ready to look at my map and chart a new course.  A fresh course.  One that I can look forward to.  One in which I can smile and create new experiences. 

My cat Wiley has been following me around like my shadow.  I think he is just so lonely.  He used to spend the day with his sister.  They would sleep/nap together.  They would groom each other.  He would play (or antagonize) with Gabby, spend time with Ray or me.  Now, it's just him, Moscow and me.  As I type this I am sitting in one chair in the parlor annd he is sitting in the other one right next to me.  I love him so much.  I've told the cats that our lives have changed and we all need to adjust to the changes and get along.  Do they understand me?  I think in some way they do.

My big decision of the day is what to have for dinner.  How nice is that!!  Over the last year I have had to make such big decisions.  Now it's a basic, normal thing...what to eat for dinner.  I could just cry thinking how nice this is.  But right now I have no emotion.  I just feel good.  I've made it.  Now I will continue on, with many more forks in my road ahead.  This journey has strengthened me though.  I will be stronger with my next challenge.  - Jimmy

I Don't Mind At All

I went to the cemetery this afternoon.  It was a beautiful day.  The sun was shining on the new fallen snow.  A much nicer day (weather-wise) compared to last January 8.  I saw tire tracks in the snow that stopped right by Ray's headstone.  I also saw footprints that indicated to me that a driver and passenger were there and walked up to Ray's tombstone.  I figured it was Tony and Kelly.  Sure enough, I called them and asked if they had been to the cemetery today...they had.

I got about 99.9% of the decorations down so far.  The purple/crystal tree came down today.  I have some things on one counter in the kitchen that need to be boxed up and put away.  The house is starting to look normal. 

Wiley (my cat) has been following me around all day.  He has been my shadow.  If I sit he jumps right up on the bed, couch or chair and tried to climb onto my chest.   This morning, in bed, he was laying so close to my face he couldn't have gotten closer.  Maybe he knows today is an emotional day for me and he wants to give me love.  Or, maybe he's just cold and want's to keep warm.  He is so soft and sweet that I don't mind at all.  - Jimmy

Good Bye Ray - January 8, 2010

January 8.  My late brother, David's, birthday.  Elvis Presley's birthday.  Most important, to me, the day that the love of my life was remembered at his funeral.  It's not the day I buried him however, because when we got to the cemetery they had dug the wrong grave.  Therefore, one more day of yet remembering Ray's time here on earth.  (In a sense.  Since his last real day here on earth was January 3, 2010.) 

January 8 2010.  Extreme cold, extreme wind, and extreme blizzard conditions.  I can remember the day probably better than I can remember yesterday.  I feel pretty good right now but I'm sure I will shed some tears today. 

I slept in room three last night.  I spent almost four months in that room last year becuase I had such a hard time sleeping in "our" bed alone.  Marguerite had given me this scented candle that sat on the nightstand next to the bed.  I lit it only once, but I could get a faint smell of that candle for all those four months.  I put that candle on the same nightstand yet again last night.  The scent brings back memories of last year.  For some reason, it seems like I was "closer" to Ray last January, February and March.  Since it was so close to his time being alive, it just felt like I was still cloer to him at that time.  It seems that as time goes by I get further from him.  It's not true.  I'm not any closer or further...but my mind plays it like that.  So, sleeping in room three and smelling the scent of that candle makes me feel good.  It makes me think of last year...in a good way, not a bad way. 

I might go to downtown Grand Rapids today for a big antique show at the DeVoss Hall.  It all depends on how I feel.  I may just feel like staying home.  The snow has now just started to fall and I don't want to drive in blizzard conditions.

The view I have in this room is amazing.  The beautiful, big bay window is right in my view.  The snow is falling and it feels like I am in a giant snow globe.  I love this room. 

Good Bye Ray.  - Jimmy

Home Alone

I am home alone.  Marguerite left to visit a friend for almost a week and Drew took the train back to Chicago.  Believe it or not I am looking forward to being alone in the days ahead.  I've kept busy and so my mind is occupied.  I now need some alone time at this anniversary of Ray's death.  I need time to think, reflect, and look at where my life is going. 

Drew helped me take down the decorations and the one big tree.  I love it when all the decorations are down and the house is clean.  It's like a fresh start to a new year!  I've rearranged the furniture in the parlor and I think I like it.  I like to make changes like that...it makes my surroundings seem "fresh."  Today I will start to take down the crystal/purple tree.  Then, as I put the boxes away I will start to clean up that basement. 

Last winter I didn't do any projects.  I was too much in grief.  This year I plan to do some winter projects around the house.  One thing I plan to do is paint the kitchen.  Ray picked out the color currently on the walls.  I never really did like it, but that was his work place so I didn't say a word. 

I feel very happy today.  I really never thought the day would come.  Deep down inside I knew it would (or should), but at the time it sure didn't feel like I would ever feel "happy" again.  - Jimmy

I Have A Smile

What a better start to the new year compared to last year.  Sometimes I just can't wrap my mind around all the things going on a year ago right now.  It was pure chaos. 

I can remember my friend Carolyn coming in from Wisconsin about two weeks after Ray died.  She tried so hard to keep me occupied and make me feel good.  One day we went to Taco Bell in South Haven.  I was totally numb.  I sat there as if I was in an unfamiliar world.  I couldn't relate to anything around me.  Everything looked so different seeing it through my eyes only.  The lonliness while in the presence of a crowd is unexplainable.  Who am I?  Why?  I feel sick.  Those were just some of the things running in my confused mind. 

People say that "time heals all wounds."  It's not the time frame but what you DO in that time frame that helps heal the wounds.  If you break your arm and just say "time will heal it" you will end up with a really messed up arm.  If you go to the hospital and the doctor pieces it together, puts a cast on, tells you how to keep your arm protected so it heals and then maybe even physical therapy after the cast comes off...you will probably end up with a pretty good, almost like before arm.  You may still feel some aches years later...but all in all it's healed.  That has been my process this last year.  I took the time to grieve, cry, go to grief counseling, take medication, talk to friends, get support from friends and family, read books about grief, loss, sorrow and depression, and spent many hours remembering Ray.  This has helped heal me.  I will still have aches for Ray forever, but I really am doing so good. 

Last year when Ray died I just didn't know "who" I was.  I had created a life that was "Ray and Jim."  Although I did things on my own of course, we were one.  When he died I just felt like half my life was gone...and it was.  How do I now fit in?  This year I now feel like I am getting to be "me."  I am Jim (or Jimmy - depending on close or how well you may know me). 

Well, today I subbed for Saugatuck Middle School sixth grade.  I am going with Drew to see the Narnia movie this evening and then we are meeting a friend of his at The Green Well restaurant in Grand Rapids.  I feel much different today than I did a year ago at Taco Bell.  I have a smile...on my face and in my heart.  - Jimmy 

"Busy"

Last night before we went to dinner Fred, Kym, Bill, Randy, Bill and Friedl came by to visit.  It was so nice to see them all.  While we were here Friedl's daughter gave birth (in North Carolina) to a baby boy.  She was so excited. 

So far I feel pretty good today.  I only hope that I am not pushing my emotions temporarily out of the way and then they will explode in a day or two.  I have grief counseling tomorrow which will be a great way to explore my feelings.

I have to pick Friedl up this morning from the collision shop and later today take her to the airport.  She is going to North Carolina to see her new grandson.  My day looks "busy" which is good.  I do not plan to do any "work" today (except maybe some dishes and such).  I'll post later today.

Jimmy

One year.

A great new year weekend.  Repeat guests, great food, fun times.  Much better than last year.  Michael and Todd and Philip helped as well as Marguerite and Drew. 

I am hoping and believing for a better year.  So far, things look pretty good.

Tonight Friedl, Drew and I went to dinner at Everyday People Cafe....it was really nice.

Tomorrow I plan to go bowling....a way to occupy my mind on the one year anniversary of Ray's death.  Jimmy