I Have A Smile

What a better start to the new year compared to last year.  Sometimes I just can't wrap my mind around all the things going on a year ago right now.  It was pure chaos. 

I can remember my friend Carolyn coming in from Wisconsin about two weeks after Ray died.  She tried so hard to keep me occupied and make me feel good.  One day we went to Taco Bell in South Haven.  I was totally numb.  I sat there as if I was in an unfamiliar world.  I couldn't relate to anything around me.  Everything looked so different seeing it through my eyes only.  The lonliness while in the presence of a crowd is unexplainable.  Who am I?  Why?  I feel sick.  Those were just some of the things running in my confused mind. 

People say that "time heals all wounds."  It's not the time frame but what you DO in that time frame that helps heal the wounds.  If you break your arm and just say "time will heal it" you will end up with a really messed up arm.  If you go to the hospital and the doctor pieces it together, puts a cast on, tells you how to keep your arm protected so it heals and then maybe even physical therapy after the cast comes off...you will probably end up with a pretty good, almost like before arm.  You may still feel some aches years later...but all in all it's healed.  That has been my process this last year.  I took the time to grieve, cry, go to grief counseling, take medication, talk to friends, get support from friends and family, read books about grief, loss, sorrow and depression, and spent many hours remembering Ray.  This has helped heal me.  I will still have aches for Ray forever, but I really am doing so good. 

Last year when Ray died I just didn't know "who" I was.  I had created a life that was "Ray and Jim."  Although I did things on my own of course, we were one.  When he died I just felt like half my life was gone...and it was.  How do I now fit in?  This year I now feel like I am getting to be "me."  I am Jim (or Jimmy - depending on close or how well you may know me). 

Well, today I subbed for Saugatuck Middle School sixth grade.  I am going with Drew to see the Narnia movie this evening and then we are meeting a friend of his at The Green Well restaurant in Grand Rapids.  I feel much different today than I did a year ago at Taco Bell.  I have a smile...on my face and in my heart.  - Jimmy