Ciao

"A Single Man."  During the movie the main character, George, spends the day planning his suicide  He can't go on anymore alone.  Alone without his companion Jim.  He is a very organized man.  You can see that in his daily routine, his pressed clothes and organized closet, right down to his bathroom ritual.  Of course his OCD of being organized and "planned" is even evident in his suicinde plan.  He has it all planned out.

This is supposed to be his last day on earth.  Everything is so vivid and clear to him.  All the sights, sounds and scents are so vibrant.  Life almost seems in slow motion.  He is working as a professor and doing his job but his mind wanders to his life "before."  I know how that is.  I did things daily.  I didn't quite have a routine, but I had errands to run, bills to pay, banking to do, reservations to take, laundery to do...you get the jist.  I did them all, and sometimes I didn't even remember doing them.  I could be in a conversation and completely block the other person out as my mind wandered to "before."  No one else seemed to care.  At least that's how I felt.  My friends and family cared.  They cared a lot!  However, out in public it was almost as if I felt like saying "STOP!  I am grieving.  Give me some lee-way.  I can't concentrate.  I just lost my love of 21 years."  I couldn't do that though.  The people in the stores didn't care.  I wanted them to, but I understand.  They have their own lives and their own problems.  I always felt "safe" back at home.  I could curl up there on the couch and pity myself.  Mourn the loss of Ray. 

I'm doing good right now.  I subbed for sixth grade today in Saugatuck.  The kids are great.  I subbed for them in 5th grade and a few times this year.  Some of the boys call me "Homie G."  They are at a great age to joke around with and yet they still respect you a little. 

Today started out nice and warm.  However, it is cold now.  Very cold.  I'm on the front porch.  Drew is sitting next to me probably bored to tears.  Oh, and freezing to death (so he says). 

One of the things I miss about Ray is our little "sayings" we had.  Only he and I knew them and knew what they meant.  One of them just came to my mind..."so you keep saying."  One of us would say that and we knew EXACTLY the reference and why we may be saying it.  Another one was "ABSOLUTELY."  And, yet another was "I'm hear to tell you."  I've thought of using the last one as the title to my reality book about owning a bed and breakfast:  "I'm Hear To Tell You:  Memoires of an Innkeeper." 

My fingers are starting to freeze so I will stop for now.  Ciao.  -  Jimmy