Unpredictable

It's been several days since I've blogged.  I've been quite busy.  I had to get the house looking real good for guests this Memorial Day weekend.  It is, of course, the true beginning of the season.  I wanted it to look as good as possible.  There were some things I just couldn't get to, but the house and gardens looked good.  As did the pool.

I made a big...very big step this last week.  I went through all of Ray's clothes (well, about 90% of them) and made three piles.  The piles were:  keep, throw out, and donate.  All those clothes (except the keep pile) are gone.  I had no emotions going through them.  A few of the shirts I looked at, and decided to keep, I had some sentimental feelings about, but all in all I did the task with no bad emotions.

There are still moments that strong waves of emotion flow through me.  I will get a thought in my head (usually about finding Ray dead or about the funeral) and it's really like a wave flows through me.  It starts in my stomach and literally flows through my body right up to my head.  I get dizzy.  I freeze up, tears start, my heart pounds.  It usually doesn't last long but I try to "feel" the moment.  I want to experience the emotion.  I guess that will never go away.  I must say....most of my days are just "normal" again though.  Those waves of emotion are very few, but they're real and they are strong.  It's nice to actually feel "normal" most of the time.  I remember a year ago I thought I would NEVER feel that way again.  My grief counseling was a God-send.

As I've mentioned before, I am dating a guy named Drew.  He is so sweet.  Very kind, considerate and sincere.  However, I think that the fact that I still love Ray is keeping me from getting "too close."  Drew may not realize it, but I do.  Sometimes I hesitate to show affection.  I feel like I am cheating on Ray, especially when other people are around.  I'm afraid of what they will think if I show too much affection with Drew.  I've been told that no one feels that way...but I do.  It's just something that I have to get over.  (Don't worry Drew won't read this, he is the most "non-computer literate" person I have EVER met.)  Anyway, I think I really must like him.  Yesterday he (and some guests) asked if I wanted to go to "Wild Dog" (a restaurant down the street).  I said I couldn't go, I had to wait for a check-in and I had too much to do.  Drew asked if I wanted him to bring me anything.  I replied "you're going without me?!"  He paused and said "no, I'll stay here with you."  I realized I didn't want to hold him back, he shouldn't have to "suffer" just because I have to run my business.  So I said, "just go, I was only teasing you."  I had to prod him a bit but he agreed to go.  After they all left I kind of felt a little jealous.  Not a bad jealousy, just jealous that he was going with a group of people without me.  I realized that I might actually like him a lot! 

Tomorrow I will sub for third grade.  It is at the same school I taught at last week.  The third grade teacher came in my room and asked if I would sub for her on June first.  I agreed.  I actually felt honored that a teacher would specifically ask "ME" to sub.  I love to sub.  It gets me out of the house.  It takes me out of "my" world.  It takes my mind off of things.  Plus, I love to interact with the kids, joke with them, etc.  Last week one girl gave me a note that said I was the best sub "ever."  (RIGHT!)  Then at the bottom she wrote:  "P.S. You're funny."  I thought that was sweet.  I like making the kids laugh.

Well, that is my world right now.  This is what is going on in my life.  I feel happy.  I am feeling content.  I am feeling normal.  God has been with me all the way through this.  It's a journey that is so unpredictable, but I guess that is what life is...unpredictable.  - Jimmy