I Look Forward To It

Ray sleeping with his cat Callie at his childhood home on Sate Fair Street in Detroit about 1991.

Here it is...December 17, 2012.  Closing in on the third year of my loss.  I just read my blog from 2009 on this date.  Things were not going well.  We kept our faith that God would take care of things.  Although I don't know the answer, I do believe that God did take care of things.  Whatever those "things" may have been. 

I have a new life now.  I have embraced my new life while still holding on to the past with a string right now.  I have hardly any guilt when I feel happy and feel that I have moved on.  I have to move on, not because "Ray would have wanted it" but because I need to do that if I plan to have any sense of a normal life in my future.  I am now seeing a normal life.  I am happy...very happy.  I struggle, with finances, decisions to make, etc.  However, I am happy.

I have my new dog Jack.  Although, with his diabetes (and I am treating it) I think he is starting to go blind.  He can't see things that I practically put right in his face.  He has been bumping into walls.  Not real bad, but I've noticed it.  He is very loving and I will take care of him. 

The cats are doing just great.  Wiley and Jack get along fantastically.  That makes me happy, because Wiley was Ray's favorite (although he would never have admitted it), so if Wiley is happy, I am happy.  Ray loved his cats, as you can see from the picture above with his cat, Callie, in 1991.  Moscow and Mondo have bonded.  Mondo is also starting to "accept" Jack.  He won't get too close to him, but he can now tolerate being in the same room together.  

I will be "home" for Christmas this year.  Last year I was in North Carolina with Friedl and her daughter's family.  It will be nice to be at home.  I will spend Christmas day relaxing with Drew.  I look forward to it.  -  Jimmy

That's My Update

Today I looked back at my blog from two years ago.  It was just too depressing to continue reading.  What a downer!  How could anybody have read my blogs?!

No snow so far.  It's been nice out actually.  In fact, the sun is out right now.

Drew and I found a tree for Christmas.  It's gorgous!  Nine feet tall!  It fills the bay window in the parlor.  Need to finish decorating the house this week.  Looking forward to all the final decorations being up.

I had homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner last night.  Ray's recipe.  It was DELICIOUS!  I'll have leftovers today for lunch.  It's soooo good.

That's my update. - Jimmy

Sort That All Out

Wow, it's been a whole month since I have posted.  I am feeling much, much better now.  Lots of stuff going on right now.

Drew and I went to get a tree for Christmas and the place Ray and I have been going to for years was vacant...closed down.  So, tomorrow we will try to find another place for a tree.

Drew is now fully moved out of his condo in Chicago.  Everything that was left was moved out yesterday.  He plans to go back this week to sell what is left and be done with it.

Jack, my new dog, is doing great.  He is such a sweetie.  The insulin is doing great for him.  The cats are getting along fine with him.

Lots more going on, but I have to sort that all out.  Jimmy

In A Funk

Well, one more day until the election.  Then we can start planning for the next one.  It seems like they start so many years in advance.  Well, I guess they do.  My thoughts are that Hillary will run, otherwise why would she step down as Secretary of State.  They've been in politics their whole lives, so I don't see why she would step down.  Anyway, just my thoughts.

I've really been in a BIG "funk" lately.  I don't want to do ANYTHING.  Only what I have to do.  It's pretty bad.  It's good I have a dog to take for walks or I probably wouldn't even do that.  It takes me all morning just to get out of bed, unless I have guests.  I know why I feel this way and I know what is going on...so no need to worry out there.  I just need to get through it.  I wish I could fast forward my life - but these trails will make me stronger for the next ones in my life.

I took Jack to the Saugatuck Dunes State Park on Saturday.  Walked the trails all the way to the Lake.  He had a blast.  Seeing all the other dogs and people.  We came home and laid on the could and he passed out he was so tired.  I had a full two hours with no one in the house.  NO ONE!  It was complete and utter bliss.  

That's about my update for right now.  -  Jimmy

Happy Halloween

My favorite holiday is upon us.  I will only get about eight trick or treaters, but I always give out the full sized candy bars.  I hate the bags of the mini candy bars that say "fun size."  That is not fun size.  The fun size are the FULL SIZE candy bars...my favorite of which is Snickers!

I've kind of been in a "funk" lately.  Lots of struggles I've been dealing with.  At times I just don't know what I am going to do.  I'm trying my best to trust God, but right now I'm not happy with the journey.  I have felt in such despair I lay in bed most of the day.  Some of it may be just from exhaustion from summer...it's nice to have some down time and free time.  My wonderful friends help get me through.  Their support means a lot.  I still try very hard to enjoy today in spite of my issues.  I really wish I had more business, it would help keep my mind off things and help financially.

Ok, enough about that.  I have decided to start Jack on insulin shots.  It should make him feel better.  I found out it's not that expensive and I want to take care of him.  He is such a sweet dog.  No trouble at all.  He doesn't bark, he's laid back...but, if he gets outside off his leash he runs across the street to the back kitchen door of Pizza Mambo.  He smells the delicious scents coming from there and he is off like a rocket.  As laid back as he is he sure can run like a rocket to Pizza Mambo.

I'm healing up very, very well.  In about three more weeks I'll start going back to the gym.  That should help with my emotions too.  Very little pain and it looks like the scar will hardly be noticeable.

Today would have been my dad's birthday.  He was born (of course) on halloween.  He would have been 89 years old.  He's been gone now for over 17 years.  He was a very good father and a devoted husband.

I listened to George Michael's version of the song "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" this morning.  It made me think of the first time I saw Ray, kissed Ray, our hearts close to each other in bed.  I cried.  I have moved on to a new life, but I sure do miss him still.  It's just that it's not so painful now. The heavy, wet blankets that I felt over my body and soul are gone, but I miss him.  It's just not every single moment of every single day.  I am glad about that.  Those were very painful and exhausting days.

Tonight I'm having dinner at Friedl's.  It will be good to get out of the house and have dinner somewhere else.  Getting out of the house still helps me escape my issues.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but Drew got a job at the grocery store across the street.  It has been great for him to get back into the workforce.  He seems very happy working there.  I'm happy for him.

This is my update for now.  Happy Halloween!  -  Jimmy

Looking Forwaed To The Fall

Lying in bed right now, ice pack on my wound and Wiley trying to constantly lay on top of me.   He has been sleeping with me every night, all night, curled up in my left arm.  He loves it that I am forced to bed rest...all the more "daddy time" he gets.

My pain is becomming more tolerable.  Friedl took me to Meijer on Sunday to get a prescription filled.  They said it would take 25 minutes so I walked around the store to pick up a few things.  That was too much for me.  So I can probably handle only about a 15 minute walk at a time.

I had a dream about Ray the other night.  He was here "visiting" me.  I was watching him interact with guests and such, it made me feel so happy.  I had been on a ladder watching him and climbed down.  I went to him and hugged him and asked "can't you stay?"  His reply was "no, I can't."  I was so sad I cried.  But...it was a nice short visit that had given me some happiness.

Update:  Wiley has now decided to give in and lie next to me and stare at me.

I did get my financials to my accountant and he got my taxes done last week.  What a relief.  When I had him file an extension in April  I figured I would get everything done and to him by May, but it just didn't happen.  Such a burden off me to have this done.

I have been taken well care of by Tom, Drew and Friedl.  Don't know what I would do without them. In fact, we'll all be spending Thanksgiving together.  Looking forward to the fall.  - Jimmy

Walk Around

Everything we great at the hospital on Tuesday.  We arrived about 10:30 and left about 6:00 p.m.  I was fine about everything until they wheeled me into the operating room.  That is when I started to freak out.  I mentioned this and the OR nurse said "oh, we've got stuff that will take care of that."  As he was putting something in my IV I asked, "is that the stuff Michael Jackson had?"  She replied "no, but you're getting that, it's good stuff...when used appropriately."  I was literally out in seconds.  It seemed like less tha a second later when I heard "Jim, you can wake up, it's done it is 2:50 p.m."  I couldn't believe it. 

When I got home I could not get to sleep, I was up until 4:00 in the morning.  Yesterday was my WORST day of pain.  Today could have been, but it is now starting to subside.  I watched a YOUTUBE video of this type of surgery and now I see why I am in such pain at the incision site.

Last night Candy brought dinner for us.  What a wonderful (and delicious) gesture!  Drew, Tom, Friedl (and especially I) did NOT want to make any dinner or clean up from dinner.  Today I have been resting...ALL DAY in bed.  I can't wait to feel better.

I now know why Ray resisted to walk around when I asked him to.  The pain is so bad that it hurts to walk.  Then your back aches from laying in bed all day.  I've got a long way to go, but hopefully tomorrow I can walk around a bit more.  - Jimmy

I Am Home And Fine

I am home and surgery went great.  Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers and support.  -  Jimmy

In My Life Right Now

I had a great three days in Chicago at Drew's place.  The weather was awesome and we took walks with Jack at the beach, stopped by Karlene's and had lunch with her, and packed some of Drew's stuff up.

The cat's are just starting to "acknowledge" Jack.  They stayed upstairs for three weeks, and today they have all come down.  Wiley and Moscow are on the bed with me in room three and Jack is sleeping on the floor in here.  The "Cat Strike" is over.  Wiley was the scab though, because he was the first to break the barrier and come down.

I have my surgery tomorrow.  Drew and Friedl are coming with me.  I'll be so happy when this is over.  My lump will be gone!!!  I'm having the surgery at Blodgett Hospital in Grand Rapids.  I have to be there at 11:00 and surgery is at 1:00 p.m.  So glad I don't have to get up real early.

That's about all the updates as to what's going on in my life right now. - Jimmy

Take Care

Jack

Well, I finally did it.  I adopted a dog.  My first dog...ever.  (Other than the dogs I had growing up.)  He is probably about 10 years old, a Toy Fox Terrier.  I picked him up on Saturday and so far he has a fantastic personality.  He doesn't bark and he is very calm.  I gave him his first bath (most likely) and he just stood in the tub and let me bath him...no resistance.  Ray is turning over yet again.

I have my surgery October 9th.  I'll "be out of commission" for a few weeks, then in a "take it easy" mode for another few weeks.  I'll be so glad when this is over.  As I mentioned, I have been dealing with this for 20 plus years.  So I can't wait to get this over.

The weather here is amazing.  I'm sitting on the front porch with Friedl, Drew and Tom.  This Thursday I am taking Drew to Chicago for a doctor's appointment and to bring some things from his condo to his apartment in Fennville.  Tom is "guest hosting" this weekend at the Kirby for me.  So Drew and I will take a mini-vacation out of this.  I'm bringing Jack.

Take care! - Jimmy

My Update

Ooops, I had a typo in the last post.  It should have read "...I have 'NOW' been referred to a general surgeon by my urologist..."  I am going today.  He is located in Grand Rapids.  So..."road trip" for Drew and me. 

It's been a beautiful few days here weatherwise.  It makes me think of the Mackinac Island trips Ray and I would take at this exact time each year.  I do miss them. 

A friend of mine asked me the other day how I was doing and dealing with grief.  I said that I was totally better.  I have absolutely no pain, sorrow or grief right now.  It feels great!  I feel so normal.  I never thought I would get here.  I guess over 2 1/2 years you just start to create a new life and the new life become "normal" for you. 

I've lost 20 pounds now.  I'd like to lose another 15 - 20.  This is where it starts to get harder though.  Especially since Drew bought some Ghiradelli choclates with sea salt one one with coconut.  Both my FAVORITE!  I went and got some more.

Thats my update right now. - Jimmy

Life Goes On

It's been a while since I've posted.  Sorry.  I've been trying to figure out how to post the results of my CT scan without being too dramatic.  It was not at all what I thought it was.  So, I have not been refered by my urologist to a general surgeon.  As far as I know right now it is a lipoma tumor.  Which (as far as I understand) it just a big fatty tumor.  And it is BIG!  It goes all the way up into my abdomen.  It kind of looks like a hernia but there is no bowel in it.  TMI, I know.  I have an appointment with the surgeon this coming Thursday, the 20th.  I'll know more then.

I've been in a pretty "funk" of emotions and feelings lately.  I'm pretty good at covering them up, but I am really feeling stressed with some things in my life.  But, I've been strong for years, so I have to believe that I can get through this.  Life goes on.  - Jimmy

Don't Sweat the Big Stuff

It's Wednesday morning.  I took Drew to his apartment this morning because he is getting some new furniture delivered.  When I got back to Kirby House I could smell rain in the air.  It smelled so nice. 

I drank my first bottle of Berry Smoothie Redi-CAT.  It is an oral contrast for my CAT scan today.  I have to drink 1/2 bottle more 90 minutes before the scan and the other 1/2 30 minutes before the scan.  My urologist said I could call him later today and he should have the results of the CAT scan. 

I was watching a news segment this morning on television.  It was a story about a woman who lost her sight when she was 17 due to juvenille diabetes.  She now owns and runs a winery.  One of the things she said was "don't sweat the small stuff and don't sweat the big stuff."  She said there is nothing you can do about it anyway.  I really liked that idea.  Especially the fact that she said to not sweat the "big" stuff.  It's very hard to do, but that is so important.  Things happen to us and there is nothing we can do about it.  We have to stay strong during those trials and still enjoy life.  Enjoy the moment.  I have tried to do that over the last 2 1/2 years and I think I have done a great job at it.  I have taken time to enjoy life.  There is so much I have to do around the house here (work and all) but I still take moments to enjoy time on the front porch, reading a book, bike riding, or just a day of shopping.  Even just this Monday...Labor Day...I had repeat guests staying here and I asked them if they wanted to go with Drew and me to Michigan City and shop at the outlet mall there.  They did come along and we had a great day enjoying the ride there and back and walking around shopping.  It was great.  I bought some new clothes for subbing this year.  (Oh, I have lost 19 pounds now so I needed some new things.)  Even now, I am enjoying the time alone laying in room three writing in my blog and watching the Today Show. 

Don't sweat the big stuff. - Jimmy

God Has Surely Been Blessing Me

Here it is...just days before the Labor Day Weekend.  Summer number 15 come and gone.  Hard to believe it was my third summer without Ray.  The busiest summer in years and I couldn't have done it without Drew and Tom.  I wish Marguerite had been here more, but I know she is busy with her own business and personal life.  I so enjoyed our "banter" together.

I went to the urologist yesterday.  Apparently he doesn't think the lump I have is what I thought it was.  Right now I don't know what it is.  I have a CAT scan next Wednesday.  I'm still quite sure it's nothing "bad" and will be resolved.  Maybe it's a hernia?  I guess I'll know what it is in a week.

I am so looking forward to the Labor Day weekend.  I know EVERY guest that is coming... and I love them all.  That makes it soooo much easier for me.  It will be busy and easy at the same time.  Then, after Monday, it all starts to slow down.  I will enjoy that...but I will miss the revenue.  I've GOT to make it through this winter!  I'm trusting God's will...whatever it may be.  I have to believe in His plan for me...not mine.  But I'm pressing forward.  I've had a GREAT summer so I can't complain about that!  And, He provided the help I needed.  God has surely been blessing me the last few years. - Jimmy

Update

OK, long time since posting.  I had an awesome time in Detroit.  Downtown Detroit looked amazing!  They've done a lot of enhancements since I was officially there last on April 24, 1998...my last day of work at Charter One.  Plus, I got to spend two nights with my mom...I always love that.

I've been doing great emotionally.  I feel like I have adjusted to the "new" Jimmy.  Rarely do I have any "low" days anymore.  I've been getting back to listening to Joyce Meyer and that helps me adjust and enjoy my everyday life.

I went to my doctor for my six month physical last week.  Everything was great.  He said I don't have to come back for a year.  I did discuss an issue I have with a lump in my testicles.  (Sorry, but this is my blog...I'm sharing...with discretion of course.)  He referred me to a urologist and I have an appointment on Wednesday, August 29th.  I will have to have surgery.  Let me make it very clear though, it should be nothing for me to worry about.  As far as I know (and I'm 99% sure) it is not anything like cancer or anything.  I've had this lump for years.  In fact I had an ultrasound for it back when we lived in Royal Oak and the urologist diagnosed it as a vericose vein.  (It has gotten larger over the last several years therefore I wanted to get it checked out again.)  Clearly he was wrong...even my primarcy care physician said it is NOT a vericose vein.  I believe it is a hydrocele, which is a sac of liquid.  I'm sure I'll have to have some type of test such as an ultra sound again, or MRI or something before an official diagnosis.  I'll keep you posted.

My brother and sister-in-law have been here for the last week.  It is so nice to spend time with them.  I love them both so much.  Richard and I always got along very well...even as kids.  They are leaving today and I will miss them.

The Allegan Flea Market is going on today.  We plan to go.  I love going there and just walking around, people watching, etc.  Well, time to get downstairs and help Tom out with breakfast. - Jimmy

New Jimmy

Today I leave for Detroit.  This will be the first weekend during the summer (EVER) that I have left the B&B!!  Drew, Tom and Marguerite are going to hold down the fort for me.  Last year guests/friends invited me to go with them to see Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney at Ford Field in Detroit.  I told them there was no way I could leave to attend a concert on a Saturday in August.  They told me to "make it happen."  So I did.  I will be staying with my mom...which will be real nice.   It's gonna seem odd to be away from the house, but I know it will be in good hands.

I've lost 16 pounds now.  I feel so much better.  I had just gotten out of control.  I ate and it made me very happy.  It still does, but now I try to keep it in moderation.  Exercising has really helped me keep on track.  My goal is to lose 30 pounds.  That is realistic.

I've got not much on my mind these days...too busy.  I think I am adjusting very nicely to my new life...the "New Jimmy."  - Jimmy

Quick Update

OK, ten days since I've written.  I've been busy!  I've been going to the gym and have lost 16 pounds now.  Feeling much better. 

On Friday I am going to Detroit.  I am going to see Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney on Saturday with a group of woman who stay at the Kirby House.  It should be fun.  This will be my first summer weekend away from the house since we bought it.

I am so fortunate to have Drew and Tom here helping me this summer.  Marguerite has only been able to work here one week this summer.  It's been the busiest since 2004 so I've really needed the help. 

Drew found a new apartment to move into.  It is here in Saugatuck/Douglas.  He took possession yesterday.  So he has started moving some stuff in that has been stored here at the Kirby House.  Next month he will be moving things from his Chicago condo.  I'm happy for him.  It's a nice place and a very affordable price.

I'm sure in a few weeks I will start subbing again.  I am looking forward to that.

Not much else new, no strong emotions.  I am feeling great! - Jimmy

Rainbow Families Week

"Rainbow Families Week"

A couple of weeks ago Saugatuck and Douglas hosted the "Rainbow Families Week."  This is a week long event for children with gay parents (gay or lesbian).  The week is filled with family activities hosted at various venues.  During the week the downtown Douglas shops flew the "Rainbow Flag."  I felt so proud and welcomed by the city I call home.  On the last day of the event a parade was held in downtown Douglas.

The use of rainbow flags has a long tradition; they are displayed in many cultures around the world as a sign of diversity and inclusiveness, of hope and of yearning.  Today it is most commonly referred to as the "gay flag."  In 1978 San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker popularized the rainbow as a symbol of the diversity withing the gay and lesbian community.  Aside from its symbolism of a mixed gay and lesbian community the colors were designed to symbolize: red (life), orange (healing), yellow (sunlight), green (nature), blue (harmony), and purple/violet (spirit).  The gay and lesbian community is as diverse as the "straight" community.  Many religions, political beliefs, races, heights, weights, morals, and so on. 

When I was younger it would be shocking to see a "gay flag" flying.  The only places one would see it flying proudly would be outside a gay bar or a small area of a community which catered to a gay clientele, like Castro in San Francisco.  Gay's were not accepted so those who flew it did so at risk.  Risk of some type of hate crime.  So, seeing them flying proudly in my town of Douglas was really a heart warming feeling.  "We" have come a long way...both straight people and gay people.  Today I can feel that I AM accepted.  Even the fire trucks rode down the parade route along with the police - all with children and gay parents and signs made by the children proud of their family.

Earlier this week I went to the Kal-Haven Trail.  It is a 33 mile trail from South Haven to Kalamazoo.  I rode my new bike 11 miles on the trail.  It's quite a nice trail.  Two weeks ago Drew, Tao and I walked about seven miles of it.  With that and going to the gym I now have lost 15 pounds.  Eating better hasn't hurt either.  I do feel much better.  I would like to lose 15 more pounds by early September.  Ten pounds will probably be more likely the reality.  I just let myself "go" over the last two years.  My friend Tom has lost about 25 pounds!  He is working at the SuperValue so he is getting wonderful exercise over there. 

Enjoy the pictures from the "Family Week Parade" below. - Jimmy

 

 

I Need Some Time

So I joined the gym one month ago tomorrow.  Since then I can't believe how much more energy I have.  I have been going every other day.  Drew has as well.  We've both lost 13 pounds, due to the gym and eating better.  I bought a fantastic bike this week and plan to make that part of my routine on days off from the gym. 

We found out about the Kal-Haven trail last week and walked about eight miles of it.  It's a trail that used to be a train route from South Haven to Kalamazoo.  It's 33 miles long.  I can't wait to ride my bike on the trail.  Maybe today.

Yes, I'm still angry.  The anger is only going to hurt me...so I need to deal with it and get over it.  There is nothing I can do about it (as Ray would say).  But I need some time. - Jimmy

Right Now I Am Angry and Sad

Is it possible to be angry at someone who is dead, or are feelings about someone only valid towards living beings?  If I was going through grief counseling right now I would ask Staci this.  Because, how do you deal with that?  If it is not possible where do you direct your feelings/emotions.  If it is possible then I would ask the same question.  Either way, they would have to be approached differently. 

I had a boss that always told me it was impossible to "love" an inatimate object.  I would say "I love that car" or "I love that house"...and she always responded that you can't love an inatimate obect.  Is a dead person inatimate?  If so, maybe I can't actually have any emotional feelings towards a dead person.  So, how do you deal with it?  Do you redirect it?  Do you ignore it...you can't do that, the feelings are real.  Do you cry?  I've already done that. 

You have probably guessed it by now...I am angry at Ray.  That is as far as I will go in this blog.  The reason "why?"...I will not share.  However, this blog is about my journey through the loss of my partner of 21 years so I share things people "may not want to hear."  I also know that I have limits in which I have to be candid.  I will find a way to deal with these feelings.  It will make me stronger.  I will be a better person.  I will grow.  Right now I am angry and sad.  -  Jimmy

Maybe It's Good

I am looking at the last picture of Ray ever taken...and I am crying.  Maybe it's good. - Jimmy

Happy Holidays

Great day today.  I can't believe how much busier it is this year.  Thank God! 

Woke up and did breakfast with Tom and Drew.  Then we all sat on the front porch for about an hour after cleaning breakfast and doing rooms.  Drew and I went to the gym after that.  Then, it was a full afternoon of checking people in and doing odds and ends.

This last week has been "Family Pride Week" in Saugatuck-Douglas."  It is a week in which gay couples who have childern can come together and find peace and acceptance.  The week ended with a parade down Center Streen in Douglas.  How awesome so see the families of gay parents with children marching in pride and our Police and Firefighters along with them.  One fire truck had a load of children on top cheering.  One fire truck passed with a hand made crayon poster which read "Two moms are better than one."  I felt such pride in our community.  And the sign was so true.  Rather than being a child of one parent due to divorce...having two parents is better than just one.  The fact that our police and fire fighters were part of this made me so proud to be a citizen of Saugatuck-Douglas. 

It's "Christmas in July" this weekend.  Happy Holidays! - Jimmy

Chao

Thunderstorms....finally!  It is 12:26 a.m. and there is a wonderful thunderstorm going across Saugatuck/Douglas.  We need the rain so bad.  We also need the fertilizer from the lightning for the grass and flowers.

I walked the Kal-Haven trail today with Drew and Tao.  Tao is a friend/guest from China who is living in the USA now.  We walked about seven to eight miles.  I'm determined to lose the weight I gained since Ray died.

I have been soooo busy.  It's been a GREAT year so far.  Let's hope it keeps going.

Chao...Jimmy

Ha, Ha!

It's crazy how little things can stir up emotions.  I was just watching the TODAY show.  A commercial came on for Hershey's Chocolate Drops.  I saw a building in the background that reminded me of a building Ray and I saw in Santa Monica after our last cruise together.  BAM!  I started thinking.  I was thinking how it would be just less than a year later that he would be dead.  My mind whirled over that.  How life seemed so full and yet it would crash in an instant less than a year later.  Of course I started to cry.  It wasn't a bad cry, just some heavy tears and then calm.  Exactly like my grief counselor told me it would be.  The memories can hurt, but not as bad as they did two years ago.

I've been doing good so far at going to the gym.  It is only three weeks now thought.  I have lost 10 pounds...hooray!  I need to loose at least 20 more.  I will do it.  I just really got careless over the last two years.  I truly didn't care.  I ate anything I wanted at any time and had no desire to exercise.  None!  I tried to do some walks, but that would last a day.  I feel motivated now.  I want to look better.  I want to feel better.  I will do it.

I've been so busy here at the bed and breakfast.  It's been the busiest year since 2006!  I hope this is a sign that things are turning around.  Thank God I have Drew and Tom to help me.  Marguerite's been taking art classes at Ox-Bow and cleaning houses so she's only been here about a week all summer so far.  So, God has blessed me with help from Drew and Tom. 

Well, I gotta go.  I'm making a Baked Dutch Apple Pancake for breakfast!  Tom's making corned beef hash and Drew is making Scalloped Potatoes.  A light breakfast!  Ha, Ha! - Jimmy

So Simple

I paused the TiVo for a minute.  I'm watching "Seinfeld."  It is an episode from 1995.  As I lay on the couch I think about 1995.  Live "seemed" so simpler then.  Living in Royal Oak, no second home, good jobs.  Why does the past seem like it was so simple.  When you reflect on it your realize it wasn't, but it seems so.  All the issues and problems were there...however it seems like a fairy talk past.  Maybe today will seem like a fairy talk past. 

I'm keeping  busy.  I've lost 10 pounds, thank God.  I've been going to the new gym every other day.  And I am walking on the days I don't go to the gym. 

- Jimmy

I'm Doing

No picture today...just a quick post.  I've been so busy.  Busiest (is that a word?) since 2006.  I've been taking care of myself though...too.  I have had NO time to spend at the pool, so I went and got a tan at the new "tan place" across the street yesterday.  Then I got a massage!  Oh, it felt so good.  A few days ago Drew, Marguerite and I all got pedicures at the same time.  I am fitting in some "me time" with all the busy-ness.

I was thinking about Ray a lot today.  I think about all the "news" items that have happened since he died.  Especially the "gay" issues....obviously.  The President of the USA affirming his belief on gay marriage, Anderson Cooper coming out...etc.  It validates our long time struggle to tell people that this is who we are.  We are not sinners, we are not crazy people, we are not pedophiles, we are God's creation.  For whatever reason...He mad me. 

I had a conversation with a peer the other day.  He said that I must be so tired to being an Innkeeper after 15 years.  Actually, I love it now more than ever.  For many reasons.  But...one is that I am in total control of everything.  It is somewhat liberating.  I don't have to "pass something by" anyone.  That also makes it quite challenging.  I take the blame for everying.  But, to be honest, the blame has been quite complimentary.  I'm doing well.  - Jimmy

Two and a Half Years

It was two and a half years ago TODAY I lost Ray.  I feel really sad at this moment.  But I know the sadness will not last long.  I have busy days ahead and I move on.  The length of time since his death hit me yesterday afternoon.  I was taking a walk with Drew and I began to think about how long it's been.  I just can't believe it!  How can it be "years" now?  It NEVER seems like years.  It seems like it just happened.  Yet I know it didn't just happen.  Everything I have been through to get to this point has taken time...lots of time. 

I know I am healing.  I joined a gym last week.  I've realized that it's time I take care of me...physically.  I think I went through such a self deprecating period that I didn't care about my weight too much.  I wasn't happy with my appearance but I didn't care enough to do anything about it.  Now I care.  I want to look and feel better.  If only for me.  I've lost seven pounds since spring and four of that since I joined the gym.  I'm also tracking my progress through a program they have online along with a monitor I wear every day.  I hook the monitor up to my computer and it tracks my "points".  Without going through too much detail it helps motivate me to move more.  Get more exercise even when I'm not at the gym.  Then I can track my progress online. 

 I've got a busy week ahead...it is the July 4th rush!  I'm looking forward to it. 

You Don't Know What Life Brings

Wiley and Mondo "cat napping."

Well, the weather has been awesome here in Saugtuck/Douglas (from now on I'll refer to it as "S/D").  It's been very dry though.  So, the sprinker has been working overtime.

Another friend of mine (Tom) has come up this summer to help me.  He is doing awesome!!  Doing a very great job and working hard.  Taking a lot of extra effort off me.  Between him, Drew, Marguerite and I we can breeze through this busy summer.

I joined a gym yesterday.  Actually both Drew and I did.  We had our first workout today.  It felt good to be back to doing something positive and healthy for my body.  Now I just have to get the "eating right" thing back on track.  So, tonight we're having chicken ke-bobs.  We'll put chicken, onions, tomatoes, green pepper, and pineapple on the skewer and barbeque them.  We also have rice to go along with it.

I've been feeling real good lately.  My drug must still be working well.  It's a shame that I need it to feel normal, but thank God there is the science out there for them.

In a few days the big Indepence Day week begins.  I am BOOKED!!!  I've got a couple slower days right now that I am going to take advantage of because then we'll be working our socks off. 

I've really learned a lot of lessons over the last year and a half.  One of those lessons is to relax and enjoy the moment.  You don't know what life brings! - Jimmy

Busy, Busy, Busy

Jim Gowran and Mary Beth Cloutier

OK, this is an OLD photo.  I worked with Mary Beth at Bloomfield Savings and Loan and then First Nationwide Bank.  We were good friends that would go out on a Friday night together (after work).  This was at Trappers Alley.  The year would have been about 1987.  This is a random picture I picked to post today.

I have been so busy.  This is the busiest season in years!  I've had three walk-ins in the last couple days which I don't think I got three all last year! 

My mom, sister and nieces were here last weekend.  My mom said she got more emotional than ever since Ray died.  I guess it hits us all differently. 

I'm upstairs in the apartment....getting ready to sit on the couch and watch TV....maybe a Judge Judy or something.  A full house is checking in tomorrow.  So, I will be busy, busy, busy. - Jimmy

My Major Focus Is ME

Marguerite's pugs (Beau and Kirby) watching the sunset.

It's Wednesday.  I awake at a decent hour.  I've been doing much better emotionally.  I just finished an email newsletter and sent it out.  It takes quite a bit of time to do one of those things.  I enjoy doing it though.  It's not like work to me. 

Early this winter I got a chip in my windshield.  It then cracked right across the front.  I waited until winter was over before I replaced it.  So, today I get my new windshield.  Just waiting for their arrival.

I look forward to my family's visit this weekend.  I just wish they could stay longer.  It's going to go by way too fast.  I especially look forward to spending some quality time with my mom.  I love her so much.  We are truly like best friends. 

I have no guests today.  Friedl is leaving for North Carolina (to be with her family) for a few months and my friend Tom (who is visiting) is working all day today.  So, I am taking a "JIMMY DAY."  Just for ME!  Obviously I have work things to do like fold laundry, answer the phone, have a potential walk-in, etc.  But my major focus is ME!  - Jimmy

I Look Forward To Seeing Him

My first visit to Saugatuck in 1990, and one of my favorite pictures.

Twenty-two years ago I would NEVER have imagined I would be owning a bed and breakfast in Saugatuck.  Life is filled with surprises, disappointment, fear, excitement, joy, sadness, loss, gain, grief and MORE.  I guess this is what makes life exciting.  You don't know what will happen.  Just like reading a book.  You never want to know the ending as it will make the book not so exciting to read.  If we knew our ending we would probably not take any chances in life.  Not live it to it's fullest.

Last night Marguerite called me and asked if Beau and Kirby (her dogs) were here at the Kirby House.  She had come home from her paper making class at Ox-Bow and her door was slightly open and the dogs were gone.  I posted a notice on Facebook (so locals could be on the look out).  Then my friend Tom, Friedl, Marguerite and I went out on a search and rescue operation.  We drove all along the path Marguerite takes the pugs on a walk.  Calling their name, stopping people, walking the beach.  Nothing.  When we got back to her home Friedl saw Kirby come running from behind a bush.  They were both there...safe, but a little dirty from their six hour wilderness walk.  I would have loved for there to have been a camera on their collars just to see what they experienced. 

It's getting hot here.  Summer is on it's way.  I'm looking forward to it.  I'm expecially looking forward to seeing my mom, my sister and my three nieces this weekend.  Drew returns on Wednesday or Thursday this week.  I look forward to seeing him! - Jimmy

For The Better I Have Changed

In Puerto Vallarta on our last cruise, January 2009

It's Sunday.  I had a full house this weekend!  The weather was great!  I am on an additional medication and I feel great too.  This week is pretty slow, but that will allow me to get some chores done.

My mom, sister, and three nieces are coming here this weekend.  I am so excited to see them.  My youngest niece, Megan, has never been here.  She is going to flip out.

I would like to go on a nice, long bike ride today.  I need the exercise and I think it would be good for my mind.  Exercise and fresh air. 

God is taking care of me and has been teaching me many lessons over the last 2 1/2 years.  Sometimes we ask "why" when something happens.  Although I don't understand why Ray was taken so young in life, I do know that my life has changed dramatically.  Some of it a lot for the better - although I wish Ray were here to see how much "for the better" I have changed. - Jimmy 

Haha!

Kirby House

I have decided that I would try to add a photo every day to my blog.  This one was totally random.  I hit the "add a photo" button and then "browse" and then scrolled through the file names and hit this one.  Which just said "picture 234."  So here it is...the southwest side of the Kirby House.

By Wednesday morning I was feeling so anxious (as mentioned in the earlier post) I finally called my doctor.  I just couldn't take it any more.  He added a prescription to go along with my current medication.  By yesterday I was feeling just great.  Wonderful today.  I just hope I don't need medication for the rest of my life!  I never had these problems before, and it's been 2 1/2 years since Ray's death.  I would think I should be fine by now.  Maybe it has nothing to do with Ray's death.  Maybe my life at 45 (gulp) has changed.  I guess our bodies evolve as we age.  YUCK!

Drew has been in Chicago since Sunday.  And yes...I am missing him.  He is tying up some loose ends that he needs to take care of and spending time with some of his friends before he comes back to help me this summer. 

The weather is awesome!  Finally sat on the front porch last night without a jacket or blanket.  And now it's supposed to get REAL HOT!  But that is fine.  I have airconditioning and a pool to take care of that problem!

Last week we did finally watch the departure of the SS Keewatin.  Last I saw she was docked in Mackinac City.  Soon she will be in her final port in Canada.  The port she originally sailed from in 1907.  We'll miss her, but the view now is awesome!  Especially from Friedl's porch!  Haha! - Jimmy

Every Day Is A New Day

Me at my second NASCAR race in August of 2004

The last few days have been really tough on me...emotionally.  I have had a very hard time with anxiety and depression.  My heart feels like it's racing and there is this feeling like something bad is going to happen.  The real problem is that I have NO idea why.  Everything is going fine in my life.  Business is great this year.  My health is good.  My cats are well.  Maybe it's a stage in the grief process.

I had a guest that stayed with me recently who lost his wife several years back.  He is also a counselor/therapist.  As we both discussed how we dealt with our loss and how we grieved we found out that it was the same for both of us.  There were things only "we" could understand.  It was nice.  It made me feel as if I haven't been insane. 

Every day is a new day.  -  Jimmy

Good For Me

Ray and I with his "gang" from "The Money Tree" in Detroit

This picture is from September of 2006.  These are some of Ray's best friends from They Money Tree Restaurant in downtown Detroit.  Left to right are:  Marci, Cathy, Me, Ted, Dwight and Ray.  He really loved these folks.  I know his best days in the business were at The Money Tree.  The last I saw them was at Ray's funeral.  They endured terrible winter weather to get here, even flying in from out of state.  I love you guys (and gals).

Went to Friedl's yesterday at 7:00 a.m. to watch the departure of the S.S. Keewatin.  However, it is still stuck there as of this morning.  They are re-attempting today at noon.  So, I'll go back over there today and see what happens.  We had a nice time though having breakfast and chatting.  We were there with my friend Tom and his mom (who are staying with Friedl).

I was feeling really, really depressed on Tuesday.  Don't know why.  However, yesterday I was feeling much better.  Drew has been on the east side of the state since Monday and I guess being all alone has given me more time to think and reflect on things.  The "alone time" may be good for me.  - Jimmy

Feelings Change

Ok, feeling a little depressed now.  Somewhat unusual.  I think I'll lay down for a little bit. - Jimmy

Let The Day Get Started

The Riker Family
(Back row from Left to Right) Grace, Marguerite, Kathleen
(Front row from Left to Right) Scott, Susie, Ray

I am watching a Martha Stewart Show that I TiVo'd on December 15, 2009.  I had it on just before I went to the hospital to visit Ray.  I decided to record it.  I've kept it becuase it makes me feel good to watch, knowing that Ray was still alive when it originally aired.  It makes me happy and sad at the same time.

I had a wonderful couple stay here this weekend.  (Well, actually all my guests were wonderful!)  This particular guest experienced the loss of his wife several years ago.  We shared our experiences of grief.  There are quite similar.  I think there is a special bond among people who have lost their spouses/partners.  There is this experience that no one else can understand.  It makes me feel good to talk to others who have gone through this grief process...it makes me feel like my grief was valid.

I've started riding my bike.  Actually, it was Ray's bike.  I bought it for him for one of his birthday's.  I am trying to get some extra exercise.  I've lost seven pounds so far, mostly due to being busier around the house - cleaning rooms, laundry, yard work, etc.

Drew is in Port Huron visiting his family.  I am going with my friend Philip to the Windmill Restaurant today in Holland for lunch.  Tomorrow I am going to Friedl's house for breakfast.  We are going to watch as the SS Keewatin is towed out of it's berth and out to Lake Michigan.  It is on it's way back to Canada after 45 years of being docked here in Douglas.  I'll take some pictures and post them on my blog and on Facebook.  Let the day get started. - Jimmy

A Great Day

Drew and I getting ready to zipline in Peurto Rico

One more day until the kick-off of the summer season!  Memorial Day is upon us and I have a full house!  It looks like it should be a great weekend.  Temps in the 80's and 90's.  Chance of showers but sun too!  Memorial Day weekend is alway so "iffy" regarding the weather.  So, it takes a little longer to fill up the house. 

When I read my blogs from two years ago they are so deep.  I can't believe I could express my feelings, grief and anguish so clearly.  It's almost like I'm reading someone else's work.  Now I seem to have gotten bland.  It must really take some deep emotions to write like that.  Writers must have very deep emotions about the things they write about.  My blog seems to have become just a journal of what I did that day.  I think I will have to shift to some other creative writing.  Maybe share new recipes I've found.  Maybe more pictures.  Events in Saugatuck...

Speaking of events in Saugatuck, the S.S. Keewatin (which has been docked here in Douglas since 1967) is moving back to it's home in Canada.  The departure date is set to be June 1.  Many speculate that there may be some concerns about moving it since it has sat so long.  However, after all the work and inspections that have been done there must be a big chance that it should go OK. 

The "Summertime Market" opens today in Douglas.  Many have found true love in this place as it has such a great selection of organic meats and vegetables as well as breads and more!  Friedl has been waiting for months for this place to open.

My mom, sister and three nieces will be coming to visit in a couple weeks.  This will be my niece Megan's first time here.  She is almost two years old (June 18).  She's going to be in awe.  I can't imagine what this house would seem like to a two year old who lives in a ranch house.  She is so cute.  We "Facetime" together so she get's to see her Uncle Jimmy once in a while on the iPod.  She always smiles when she sees me. 

Well, I have lots to do today so I better sign off.  Here's to a great day! - Jimmy 

That's About All Folks

Ray and his brother Scott

This picture was taken July 9, 2005.  Ray went to Detroit for his niece's daughter's graduation.  Any time Ray left for a reunion or something...he would never stay the night.  I would tell him not to drive those long distances in one day...but he always came right back home.  Love that smile!!

Well the kick-off to the official start of summer is just days away.  Memorial Day!  My 15th Memorial Day at the Kirby House.  After our first summer Ray said "maybe we should just do this for eight years."  Yeah right!  He left me holding the bag!  Actually, I love running this business now more than ever.  A lot of it is because I have just mellowed out so much in the last two years.  I don't let the small stuff get to me...or the big stuff either. 

On every major holiday during the summer we have always had some type of complimentary BBQ or buffet of some kind for our guests.  The last four years we had themes...Caribbean, Hawaiian, Country Western.  This year it is "Born to be Wild" motorcycle theme.  I decorate a little and it's a fun thing for guests to kind of dress up a little.  It's fun and makes for a festive and memorable Memorial Day Weekend.  I've got a skin colored "tattooed" sleeve I bought that I will wear.  It makes your arm look like it's all tattooed.  I'll have to post some pictures to my blog.  That's about all folks.  -  Jimmy

Sometimes I Just Hit The Wall

This picture of my mom and I was taken the night before Ray's funeral.  How could I smile?  I think I was still in shock.  I looked at other pictures taken that night and it just made me feel sick to my stomach.  All the family here to support me and attend Ray's funeral.  I want to cry...but I can't. 

It's a great weekend coming.  The temperatures will be in the 80's and I have turned the pool heater on.  Full house too!

I continue to move on.  It's hard some days but it's getting much, much better.  Sometimes I just hit the wall though. - Jimmy

Happy Mom's Day

Happy Mother's Day!  Today is the third year I will be taking my good friend Friedl to Clearbrook for their awesome Mother's Day Brunch.  I am away from my mom and she is away from her children...so it works out for both of us. 

I called my mom this morning.  She is such an amazing woman and made my childhood a happy and stable one.  I am so thankful for that.  I know that I am the person that I am in a very large part due to her and the way she raised me.

It's a beautiful day today.  Perfect for Mother's Day.  I think I will start to heat the pool so it can be used this weekend.  I have a full house and the temps are supposed to be in the low 80's. 

I completed breakfast this weekend without a hitch.  Plus, thankfully Drew was here Thursday and Friday to do breakfast so that I could sub in Saugatuck.  I've had guests everyday for the last 11 or 12 days and have been subbing, so I think I'm gonna take an hour nap (or so) before we head out to Clearbrook.  Happy Mom's Day! - Jimmy

And I Do

My New "Gazeebo Lounge"

This is a picture of the new deck area at the Kirby House.  A covered lounge area with comfortable seating.  A perfect place to enjoy a glass of wine or cocktail while waiting to go out to dinner.  And the screen option allows to close up if there are mosquitos.  Thanks to great friend who helped get this up.  Actually they did about 90% of the work.

I had a busy weekend - full house.  So...I was by myself until Marguerite came for Sunday morning's breakfast...thank God!  I got through Friday and Saturday though.  In fact, Susie came in from Colorado on Saturday night.  It's great to see her.

I've had dreams of Ray lately.  Nothing to intense and hard to explain...so I won't, but it's nice to see him and hear his voice in my dreams.  It's wierd, because I can actually hear him in my dreams.  They are not disturbing dreams, but as you know, sometimes dreams can be difficult to explain to someone.

We've had lots of rain lately.  The gardens are blossoming.  However, I would like some relief for a while so that I can do some outdoor work. 

I had mentioned a comment that the actress Sissy Spacek made about her brother's death.  She said (and I'm paraphrasing) that it made her more bold in life.  Rather than being afraid to make/take risks she decided to explore life and take on some risks.  She knew that there were so many things in life to enjoy that she needed to go for them.  She also mentioned that she doesn't let so many things in life take hold on her or upset her.  I found that I have changed that way as well in the last year.  I see people get so upset about things like missing a front parking spot.  I have see them literally get very upset and angry.  I was like "who cares"?  Why let so many trivial things make a person so upset.  As Ray always said "you can't do anything about it so just deal with it."  And I do. - Jimmy  

More Now Than Ever

Fourteen years ago today Ray and I re-opened the Kirby House.  It was our first weekend running the bed and breakfast.  I don't think we ever thought we would really be here that long.  So much has happened in the fourteen years here.

I can remember that weekend so well.  I was so nervous.  People were checking in and asked how long we have owned the house.  I felt so stupid when I said "two weeks."  Now it's been so long!  I do love running the B&B more now than ever.  -  Jimmy

Ready For The Season

OK, crummy day today...weatherwise.  It was in the 50's....actually comfortable but cloudy and rainy.  Got some stuff done today, but not tons.  Couldn't do any outdoor work. 

I was listening to an interview on NPR today.  It was with Sissy Spacek (spelling) on "Fresh Air."  She spoke about the loss of her brother in 1967 to lukemia.  Her commentary on how his loss changed her life was so compelling to me.  I want to write about that tomorrow.  I just need to get my thoughts together on that. 

I'm watching "Diners, Drive Ins and Dives."  I just LOVE this show.  Just watching the food being prepared makes me hungry.  I've been to a few of these places in Chicago.  It's "real food" like the food I love at the Windmill Restaurant in downtown Holland.  When you're here you have to go there.  It is a diner with great food. 

Drew is going to the Detroit area tomorrow to spend some time with his siblings.  I should get some outdoor stuff done this week as it is supposed to be in the 80's this week!  I'm ready for the season to begin. - Jimmy

Good Exercise For Me.

Well, I got up this morning and made breakfast for my guests.  I made a new dish this morning.  It's called "Spaghetti Pie."  I found it in a book titled "Entertaining with the Sopranos."  I've been wanting to make it for a few years now and I guess this morning was the morning.  Rave reviews from guests.  You can play around with the recipe too...add spinach or substitute one of the meat ingredients with bacon.  Click here for the recipe.  I should have taken a picture of it like Marguerite does. 

Today was the first "Allegan Antique Flea Market" of the season.  It runs the last Sunday of every month from April to September.  Drew and I went to it today.  When we got there it didn't seem like it could have been seven months since being there.  It felt like only a couple!  The only things I got were four water glasses that match the ones in my guest rooms.  I have to keep stock on those becuase they are always breaking one way or another.

After we got home I decided to take a nap.  I was tired...the early breakfast, clean up and walking the fair grounds.  I should never have done that.  I fell "mostly" asleep for two hours.  When I woke up I felt like a zombie.  I used to do that when I worked in Detroit.  I would come home from work after a busy day and rush hour traffic.  I would tell myself I'm going to lay down for just 20 minutes.  An hour and a half later I would wake up and not know what day it was.  Then I felt like total crap the rest of the evening. 

It finally warmed up today after a few weeks of extreme cold temperatures.  It's in the low 60's right now.  Very comfortable.  I'm sitting on the front porch, Moscow is laying about five feet from me.  She's getting to be an old girl, but she still loves going outside and checking on her domaine.  I'm hoping to get some outdoor projects done this week.  Painting, hammering, patching, fixing, and lawn work.  If nothing else it should be good exercise for me. - Jimmy 

Join the Mailing List

I'm subbing for sixth grade today in Saugatuck.  It's an absolutely beautiful spring day.  The sun is shining, the trees are popping new green growth, lawns are freshly cut.  I'm looking forward to a nice sit on the front porch this evening when I get home.

Yesterday Drew and I did a ton of yardwork.  Raked leaves, cut the lawn, cut old branches off trees and shrubs, etc.  The yard is looking very nice.  I need to get some painting done outside too.  Maybe if it gets warm and doesn't rain this weekend I can do some of that.  It always seems like I have a ton of time than BAM - it's the peak of summer.

I've got a great special going on now for the month of August.  It's my "Flash Sale" - only 72 hours, so it ends on Sunday the 29th of April at 2:00 p.m.  Check it out if you want a great deal on a great stay.  Go to www.kirbyhouse.com for the link.  Join the mailing list too.  -  Jimmy 

Looking Forward

I've had a few dreams about Ray lately.  In one of the dreams I called him from my cell phone and I could actually hear his voice when he answered.  In the dream he was apparently thinking of leaving me.  When he answered the phone he said "everything's good."  I asked him what he meant.  He said "you know I'm not a poet, everything is good between us."  I felt so happy and relieved.  (In real life Ray was actually a very good poet.)

I've had a great year so far...business wise.  It's been my best January through April since 2006!  Still struggling though trying to recoup from those bad years.  I'm just trusting God for what he has planned for me.

The house is looking pretty good for summer already.  Both for reservation and just overall appearance.  Me, however...I am struggling to lose some weight.  I've got to get serious and get some good walking in too.  Soon enough I'll be exercising every day with running the bed and breakfast.  Looking forward to a busy summer! - Jimmy

Open For The Season

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted.  I've been busy with Easter, Titanic Dinner and my birthday.  I've had amazing dreams over the last few weeks.  Very vivid. 

I went to the cemetery just before the Titanic weekend began.  I "talked with Ray" about what was going on.  It went fabulous!  The food was just amazing.  Although I really do not like to pat myselft on the back, I have to for this.  It was wonderful.  Plus, I had amazing family (Marguerite) and friends (Todd, Michael, Drew, and Friedl) who helped me out.  They helped me pull everything off without a hitch.  Marguerite and I could focus on the kitchen while the others made sure everything in the dining room (and dishes) was taken care of.

Tonight Drew and I are having Mexican food from Su Casa in Fennville.  I haven't eaten from there since Ray and I went about five years ago.  Drew and I saw Mexican food on the Food Network and our cravings kicked it. 

Ray's sister Susie will be in Michigan in a couple weeks.  It will be really nice to see her.  Oh, and the pool is open for the season!  - Jimmy

Through Yet Another Year

Subbing sixth grade in Saugatuck.  I have a little break so I thought I would post.  It's a gorgeous and sunny day here in Saugatuck.  Tomorrow starts spring break, so I won't be subbing for a while.  I haven't been able to "sleep in" in over a week.  So, it will be nice to be able to stay in bed a little longer tomorrow morning.

Friedl and I ate at Clearbrook on Tuesday night.  We had the calamari!  Yeah!  We also had creole shrimp with angel hair pasta.  Delicious!  I had my leftovers today for lunch.

I'm looking forward to Easter.  There will be nine of us having Easter dinner together.  Several of us will color eggs next week.  Then on Easter Friedl will hide them.  The rest of us will go Easter egg hunting.  We did that last year and had a blast.  (We were like little kids....at least I was.)

It's odd how I have this new "normal" in my life.  Everything was so new and different when Ray died.  I just hated it.  Now I have new traditions and a new normal.  Easter dinner and egg hunt, Mother's Day with Friedl at Clearbrook, going to the Windmill Restaurant for lunch, Friday nights at Ox-Bow during the summer, on and on.  It's a new life and I'm enjoying it.  I never thought I would say that..."and I'm enjoying it" - but I am.  It's odd to be able to make decisions on my own about my business without going over it with a partner, but it's nice now.  I love running the bed and breakfast, I just hope this year is good enough to get me through yet another year.  -  Jimmy

Too Many Memories

Subbing sixth grade in Saugatuck.  I awoke to a beautiful spring morning.  The temperature was actually above normal, but after weeks of such mild temps, it seemed cold outside.

I have never had any problems with allergies...until this year.  They are terrible!  I've been taking Zyrtec, which helps a lot.  I guess my body is changing as well.

After school today Marguerite and I are going to Big Lots in Holland.  There is a television stand she wants to get and I have built up my rewards card to get 20% off.  Plus, there is some outdoor furniture I may buy with the 20% off.  I do love my Big Lots stores!

Drew is in Chicago.  He had to take care of some personal matters.  So, Friedl and I are "cheating" on him and plan to go to Clearbrook tonight for dinner.  I'm excited.  I haven't been there in a couple months.  Hopefully they will have the calamari on the appetizer menu.  Tomorrow I am going to Lansing, Illinois to pick up Drew (he will be at his friend Karlene's house).  They are both coming back with me.  Karlene is staying until Sunday or Monday I believe.  I haven't seen her in a couple months so it will be nice to see her and spend some time with her too.

I'm gearing up for the summer season.  It's nice to have such good weather during the off season so I am able to get started on the outdoor stuff sooner.  Marguerite's been doing a lot of raking.

I've mentioned the emotions I get when listening to music.  I think this vacation validated my conclusion.  I notice that when I listen to music from "pre Ray's death" I can get very emotional and sad.  The music I listen to that came out after he died does not affect me negatively.  I had my iPod with me on the cruise.  When I laid out by the pool or at the beach I would listen to my iPod.  All the music on there are from songs released prior to Ray's death.  They all make me think of him.  They make me think of specific times in our relationship.  I finally quit listening to my iPod.  I now focus on listening to music from after his death.  This too may change in time, but right now the old music brings back too many memories.

Cheers!  -  Jimmy

Looking Forward To That Too

Well, it's been a while since I have blogged.  I was on a great vacation from March 9th through the 21st.  Usually when I get home there is still a ton of snow and cold weather.  It was actually warmer here in Michigan than in Florida and most of the Caribbean.  I love it.  Absolutely LOVE IT!

Yesterday I got a new back door installed.  The old one was warped, rotted and wouldn't close shut all the way.. nor lock!  This one was custom made (to the tune of $3,000).  It looks great.  When I was a kid I never would have thought I would be so excited about getting a new back door.

I've really been missing Ray lately.  I think it's the spring weather.  This is when we would get all geared up and ready for the summer season.  It's not the same without him, even though this will be my third year without him here.  I missed him terribly on the vacation too.  I had some real sad private moments.  During some of my deep thoughts I realized again just how much in love with him I was.  When we first met and first started dating I was just swept off my feet by him.  Maybe it was my immaturity...that and some true love also.  I guess I'm a little jaded and don't believe that I will ever have anything like that again.  That's OK.

I'm subbing today for sixth grade in Saugatuck.  It's a great day.  It's Friday and summer-like oustide, so the kids are a bit wild.

I had a great article featuring our Titanic Dinner in the Detroit Free Press Yesterday.  Hopefully I'll get future business from it.  The dinner is in just three weeks!  I'm looking forward to that too. - Jimmy

It Sucks Getting Old

The second "Cooking Class Weekend" is over.  Success!!  Great, great, great!  I can now focus on getthing ready for vacation.  I cleaned my office "big time" today, and have to sub for sixth grade in Saugatuck on Thursday, but everything else is focused on getting ready to go away.

My mom is doing well.  She has a very big blood clot in her leg.  The doctors are going back and forth about her medication.  It's so great that "they" caught it.  This is the type of thing that causes a stroke.  It appears (according to the doctors) that they willl be able to treat it.  She was originally thougth to be in the hospital for six days, but may come home tomorrow.

It sucks getting old. - Jimmy

His Birthday

I woke this morning thinking of Ray....honestly.  I was thinking about how much I was attracted to him when I first met him.  I thought...."I'm gonna post on my BLOG that I am in a 'funk' about Ray."  Then, I realized it was his birthday.  OK, maybe a coincidence (spelling?), but WOW. 

Had a GREAT "Welcome Party" tonight for the cooking class this weekend.  Really great.  Even went to dinner with six other guests after the party.  Someone called me today and asked if I was doing anything for Ray's birthday.  I told them the cooking class weekend was the perfect way to celebrate his birthday.

Jimmy 

If You Don't Like Lots of Snow

Been busy the last few days preparing for the weekend's cooking class and next week's cruise.  Drew and I decided to rent tuxedos.  That way I don't have to buy a new shirt and pack the suit, shoes, tie, etc.  Drew didn't have a current suit that worked and it is a LOT cheaper to rent for the week than buy a new suit, shoes, shirt, tie, etc.  This will also give us much more room in our suitcases...and keep the weight down.

My mother was admitted to the hospital this afternoon.  They found a blood clot in her leg.  She is on a IV blood thinner.  Keep her in your prayers and thoughts.  I haven't heard anything from family since she was admitted.

Yesterday was a great day.  The temps were in the 60's and it was sunny.  Drew and I took a walk down to the lake.  No snow here.  It's been a great winter, if you don't like lots of snow. - Jim

Thumbs Up

Subbing for sixth grade in Saugatuck again today. It's sunny, mild and beautiful outside. I've never seen a winter like this. I truly love it.

I leave for my cruise in just over two weeks. I'm looking so forward to it. It will be nice for Drew and I to have some quality time together alone. My last vacation with Ray was January of 2009. It will be nice to be on a vacation with my "boyfriend."

I got a brand new cell phone yesterday. Sprint had an amazing offer for it's NEXTEL customers. I'm got an $500 HTC EVO 3D for $25. I'm going to the Sprint store after school to set it up.

Cooking class went great. Had wonderful guests (as always) and we all had a great time. My next one is full! I will really be exhausted after that one, I'll need the cruise/vacation.

Went to my doctor on Monday. Everything is great. He gave me a thumbs up. - Jimmy

A Normal Life

Wow...a long time since posting.  Valentine's day is over, Whitney Housten has died.....and it feels like April outisde.  Drew and I went to Ida Red's for lunch today.  As we walked in downtown Saugatuck it felt like April.  Literally....April.  The weather has been awesome this winter.

I am doing quite well.  Still have worries about my financial future, but I'm trusting God.  All in all, my life is great.

I've got a cooking class this weekend.  Eight people are doing the class...pretty good.  I've just about got everything ready for the weekend. 

My life is quite boring now.  Not much to share.  I just have a normal life.  - Jimmy

Whatever That Is

OK, it's been a week since I have posted.  I've been busy with the B&B, subbing, and taking advantage of the off-season time off.  Spent a bit of time today on an email newsletter and updating the website. 

Friedl, Marguerite, Drew and I watched the Super Bowl last night.  Yes, I watched the whole thing.  And....I loved the half time show.  Madonna was great.  Drew made a bunch of hearty snacks for our dinner.  A nice night.

One month and two days until our cruise.  I'm looking forward to it.  Things in my life are starting to settle in to being "normal."  Whatever that is!?  -  Jimmy

Great For January

Monday, I paid this month's loan payment, so I still have a home for another month.  (I say that every month I pay the bill.)  I had a great article in "AAA Living Magazine" about my cooking classes, and it has been GREAT for business! 

I have all the Christmas decorations down.  Inside and out.  It is soooo nice to have everything back to "normal."  A fresh start to a fresh new year.  It's nice to get all the decorations down and get a deep cleaning in.  Marguerite has been working one day a week deep cleaning one guest room.  She is cleaning each room from top to bottom.  It's nice, because I can work on marketing, website, bills, taxes, etc. 

I've done a bit more decorating for Valentine's Day than usual.  There never were that many decorations for that holiday, but there are more now.  So, I've got the place very tastefully decorated.  It's amazing what you can put together when you go to Big Lots, TJ Maxx, and/or Meijer.  Oh, and Hobby Lobby too!

It is nice and warm outside.  It's in the lower 40's (F) right now.  That is great for January!  - Jimmy

A New Life

I'm doing good but feeling a bit sentimental tonight.  Just spent five days in Detroit.  I had a great time with my family.  Everyone met Drew and we just shared simple family time together.

I took Drew to Royal Oak to show him my old "stomping grounds."  Downtown, neighborhoods, and our old house.  Apparently the house Ray and I had in Royal Oak must have gone through foreclosure.  It is abandoned.  No window treatments (which meant we could peek in every window).  There was absolutely no furniture in the house.  However, the fireplace screen we put in was still in there.  After we moved to Saugatuck Ray told me he had wanted me to bring it...I didn't know that.  So, I checked every door to the house...all locked.  I would have taken it if I could have gotten in, after all it is actually mine/ours.  The inside was a MESS!  We walked around the back yard, looked at the pathetic/abandoned gardens, the deck we put in, etc.  I checked the mail slot and there was an envelope which hadn't gone all the way down, so I picked it out.  It was a enveloped addressed to RAY!!  Mailed on January 10, 2012.  It was some insurance statement...$42 was still in an account.  How odd to stop by there and find mail for RAY!!!  Sometimes I think that when I revisit Royal Oak it makes me more depressed.  It brings back memories that will NEVER return.  Wonderful memories that will never return and I can never recreate.  If he were still alive we could dream of moving back (not that we would want to...but) - that will never be.  I have to move on.  Move forward.  I do feel so happy with Drew in my life.  Truly, it is a new life.  -  Jimmy

Emotions "In Check"

Ok, here it is Sunday already!  I've got the real Christmas tree completely down and taken to the recycle spot.  The parlor is "back to normal."  Just have to take down the "purple/crystal" tree and pack that away.  That is the LAST thing other than the lights outside.  However, I unplugged those tonight, so they don't shine.  Christmas is over.  It feels good to have a fresh start.

I cleaned the kitchen and pantry last week.  It looks so nice.  Now I think I'll work on the office (which I did actually start) and the maid's closet.  I feel new energy for the B&B.  I am getting in great reservations and it motivates me.  It makes me think "people do still want to come and stay here."  I had a great article in AAA Living Magazine about our B&B and the cooking class and I've gotten GREAT response!  Plus I've had a group (repeat) book the whole house mid-week in June which is fantastic!  Maybe I'll be able to survive another year!  I try not to let things get me down, there is nothing I can do about most of the things I worry about.  Just let it happen.  Whatever will be...will be.  Enjoy the moment!  Enjoy what I do have right now!

I'm going to Detroit tomorrow.  Drew is coming with me.  He already met my mom and nieces last summer but now he'll meet my sister and brother and sister-in-law.  I'm gonna show him my old "stomping grounds" (as my mom used to say).

I booked a cruise for Drew and I this March!  Yeah!!!  I am going to have my sixth cruise...six years in a row.  I just LOVE them.  This was a balcony room for $799 per person...and we got upgraded!  I just hope we don't have a show-off captain that gets too close to land!  This is the Caribbean again.  Most ports I've been to, but that's ok, as long as I am in the sun, warm weather, and a great cruise ship...I am happy.  The one port I haven't been to is San Juan, Peurto Rico.  The others are St. Marteen, Bahamas, and St. Thomas.  In fact I was in St. Thomas last year.  I was also in St. Thomas and St. Marteen with Ray and my mom on our 2008 cruise.

I am doing really well right now.  Emotions are "in check."  - Jimmy

What Do Others Think?

Yesterday i mentioned my "old pair of sweat pants" - it was a metaphor for grieving. Curling up by myself and cring...missing Ray. Sometimes it is comforting.

I subbed in sixth grade today in Saugatuck. It's great to see the kids and be in a familiar classroom. I love subbing there.

All the Christmas decorations are down and packed away...except the trees. They are so beautiful I am waiting until the last minute. This weekend for sure, I hope. It's nice to see all the decorations coming down and the house starting to look normal again for the new year.

I have now been dating Drew for one year and three months. I've known him for six years. I have really taken this slowly. Very cautiously. I've even kept from posting thoughts and feelings on my blog. But, he does make me very, very happy. I also can't help but feeling guilt about that. (What do others think?) -Jimmy