Getting close to "the" date. Two years ago right now Ray was resting in the apartment on the third floor while I took care of the new year's plans. I had so little idea what was in store for me. After everyone leaves on Monday I will spend time to remember "my" Ray.
After Ray died Marguerite gave me a scented candle. I burned it only once, but it stayed on the nightstand next to me for the next four months. Every once in a while I pick it up and smell it. It reminds me of those days after his death. I slept in room three for three months. I will relive some of that soon. I will sleep in room three with that scented candle next to me. It seems odd to want to try to "go back" in time, but it somewhat makes me feel closer to Ray. I don't think there are rules in grieving.
I'm doing very good. People ask me all the time....and I am doing real good. Someone asked me recently how I was doing. One of the things I mentioned was that having no snow outside helps. It doesn't bring back the memories of going to and from the hospital. Strange...but it helps. Happy New Year! - Jimmy
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
He Came Through For Me
I started this blog two years ago only so that a few friends and family could check it to see how Ray was doing. It evolved to become a journal of my personal feelings of my journey through loss, grief and life. As I have looked back at previous entries I have found it to be beneficial to my progress in grieving, healing and moving on with life.
I am in North Carolina right now spending Christmas with Friedl's family. Last night we watched the Polar Express. I couldn't help but think about the time Ray and I saw it at the theatre in 3D. We bought the DVD and watched it every year after. I felt very sad last night. It still seems unreal at times that he is not here anymore. I know the reality of it, but it still seems hard to process in my brain at times. As you can see from all my entries, my days are still "up and down."
At times I still feel so alone. The person I sent half my life with, 21 years, is not here to share my future. So although I have so many wonderful people in my life, there are times I still feel so awkwardly alone. Out of place. The "odd man out."
It's Christmas Eve. I thank God for how he has taken care of me for the last two years. At times I thought "how am I going to make it" and somehow He took care of me. At times it was as "nail biting last minutes" - but He came through for me. - Jimmy
I am in North Carolina right now spending Christmas with Friedl's family. Last night we watched the Polar Express. I couldn't help but think about the time Ray and I saw it at the theatre in 3D. We bought the DVD and watched it every year after. I felt very sad last night. It still seems unreal at times that he is not here anymore. I know the reality of it, but it still seems hard to process in my brain at times. As you can see from all my entries, my days are still "up and down."
At times I still feel so alone. The person I sent half my life with, 21 years, is not here to share my future. So although I have so many wonderful people in my life, there are times I still feel so awkwardly alone. Out of place. The "odd man out."
It's Christmas Eve. I thank God for how he has taken care of me for the last two years. At times I thought "how am I going to make it" and somehow He took care of me. At times it was as "nail biting last minutes" - but He came through for me. - Jimmy
Thursday, December 22, 2011
I Am Happy
I'm at Chicago O'Hare airport right now. Just finished lunch at Macaroni Grill. On my way to North Carolina to spend Christmas with Friedl and her daughter and son-in-law and five grandkids. I have never been away from home on Christmas.
Since I will be gone for Christmas, Drew and I exchanged one gift last night. We'll exchange the rest when I get back. Drew is going to Port Huron to celebrate Christmas with his siblings.
I have now been dating Drew for over a year now. I have been so cautious...even almost trying to not get too "attached.". However I think I just might actually be "falling" for him. He is so sweet and kind. I'm still being careful though.
Marguerite is watching the house for me while I still have guests there. It's nice to know everything is in great hands. She is so great with the guests. They all just love her.
Two years ago I would have never pictured where I am in my life right now. But you know what...I am happy! Jimmy
Since I will be gone for Christmas, Drew and I exchanged one gift last night. We'll exchange the rest when I get back. Drew is going to Port Huron to celebrate Christmas with his siblings.
I have now been dating Drew for over a year now. I have been so cautious...even almost trying to not get too "attached.". However I think I just might actually be "falling" for him. He is so sweet and kind. I'm still being careful though.
Marguerite is watching the house for me while I still have guests there. It's nice to know everything is in great hands. She is so great with the guests. They all just love her.
Two years ago I would have never pictured where I am in my life right now. But you know what...I am happy! Jimmy
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Feeling Better
I've been feeling a lot better lately. I guess being "busy" helps. So much to get ready for going to North Carolina for Christmas, getting New Year's Dinner ready, presents bought...wrapped...shipped. I'm spending Christmas with Friedl and her daughter's family.
I was in a "funk" last week. But much better now.
Drew is going to the east side of the state to spend Christmas with his family. He grew up in the Port Huron area.
Gotta go...lots to do. - Jimmy
I was in a "funk" last week. But much better now.
Drew is going to the east side of the state to spend Christmas with his family. He grew up in the Port Huron area.
Gotta go...lots to do. - Jimmy
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Two Years
It was two years ago today Ray had his surgery. Scott and Mary Ellen were at the hospital with me. Or...I was there with them. I guess it depends on the view point. We saw Ray after the surgery and he seemed so good. Scott, Mary Ellen and I went to Phil's Bar and Grille in Saugatuck for dinner. We were so hopeful.
I felt so "anxious" today. I can't believe it was because of the two year "mark" but who knows. Two years. - Jimmy
I felt so "anxious" today. I can't believe it was because of the two year "mark" but who knows. Two years. - Jimmy
Friday, December 9, 2011
And I Am
Two years ago today I started this blog. It's seems hard to believe. We dropped Ray's sister Susie off at the airport on that day. She had come to visit and spend some time with Ray before his surgery. Ray made his last dinner ever on that night. He made my favorite dinner; fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn.
This weekend is my "Dickens Dinner" package. There is a welcome party tonight and dinner tomorrow night. The main entree is duck. It is sooo good.
I have some repeat guests staying this weekend. One of them asked me how I was doing this time of year. I told her I was doing "good." And I am. - Jimmy
This weekend is my "Dickens Dinner" package. There is a welcome party tonight and dinner tomorrow night. The main entree is duck. It is sooo good.
I have some repeat guests staying this weekend. One of them asked me how I was doing this time of year. I told her I was doing "good." And I am. - Jimmy
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Pretty Lucky So Far
Everything is all decorated at the house for Christmas. It looks so nice...and cozy. I'm subbing sixth grade today in Saugatuck. So I'm keeping busy.
Yesterday I had some "emotional" moments. It's coming on the two year anniversary of Ray's surgery and death, so I guess it would seem plausible for me to have these feelings. Sunday will be the two year anniversary of his surgery. At times it seems like just yesterday. Maybe because I have relived all those moments so often, it seems fairly recent.
The sun is out. There is no snow yet. We've been pretty lucky so far. - Jimmy
Yesterday I had some "emotional" moments. It's coming on the two year anniversary of Ray's surgery and death, so I guess it would seem plausible for me to have these feelings. Sunday will be the two year anniversary of his surgery. At times it seems like just yesterday. Maybe because I have relived all those moments so often, it seems fairly recent.
The sun is out. There is no snow yet. We've been pretty lucky so far. - Jimmy
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
My Reflections Today
Yesterday I decided to read my blog from December and January of two years ago. As I read the entries posted within the week after Ray died I sat here and wondered how I was able to put those thoughts down into words. I mentioned how "numb" I felt in those posts, and I truly believe I must have been. To share my thoughts so cohesively while in such grief is even uncomprehendable to me now.
I am in a better place. I am at peace with my life. I feel whole again. I never thought I would. At times I felt guilty if I felt good. I felt as if I shouldn't feel good. Part of it was the expectation that as a "widower" I "SHOULD" feel bad, sad, depressed. Also, part of it was the guilt of feeling as if I was "moving on" and not honoring Ray. I now know that isn't true. It's been almost two years now...unbelievable! My grief counselor told me that if I grieve correctly (allowed myselt to grieve, have emotions, cry, talk, etc) then it would take two years before I really got through it. She was right. I, of course, will never be over it, but I'm good.
The other day I was watching a video from my mom's birthday in 1995. It was less than two weeks after my father died. I remember trying to make her feel good...feel normal. You could tell she wasn't. As I watched the video I could totally relate to how she was doing. I could tell she was trying to put on a front, but she really wasn't "there."
These are my reflections today.
I am in a better place. I am at peace with my life. I feel whole again. I never thought I would. At times I felt guilty if I felt good. I felt as if I shouldn't feel good. Part of it was the expectation that as a "widower" I "SHOULD" feel bad, sad, depressed. Also, part of it was the guilt of feeling as if I was "moving on" and not honoring Ray. I now know that isn't true. It's been almost two years now...unbelievable! My grief counselor told me that if I grieve correctly (allowed myselt to grieve, have emotions, cry, talk, etc) then it would take two years before I really got through it. She was right. I, of course, will never be over it, but I'm good.
The other day I was watching a video from my mom's birthday in 1995. It was less than two weeks after my father died. I remember trying to make her feel good...feel normal. You could tell she wasn't. As I watched the video I could totally relate to how she was doing. I could tell she was trying to put on a front, but she really wasn't "there."
These are my reflections today.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Little Pieces of Paper
It's Saturday night, but it feel's like Sunday night. I've had guests every night this last week, with five rooms on Thursday night. So, Thursday felt like a Friday, Friday felt like a Saturday and since all rooms left today...it felt like Sunday today.
I had a dream about Ray last night. We had an argument and he said he was leaving. He left and I hadn't heard from him in a couple days. I was getting worried and was really missing him. I called the restaurant he used to work at and asked to speak with him, they said he wasn't there but I could leave a message. I was then walking down a street and saw him looking at a couple pieces of wicker furntiure. He saw me, pointed to one and said "this would look nice on the porch." I said "but you're not staying are you?" He asked "what do you mean?" I said, "you left me you're not coming back are you?" He said "yes I am" and came over and hugged me. I was soooooooo happy. He looked so good and it made me feel so good. Then I thought "What about Drew? What will I tell Ray? What will I tell Drew?" Then I realized Ray was dead. Reality set into my dream. I knew Ray couldn't come back, dead is dead. Oddly enought I felt a sense of relief. Relief that I didn't have a big old mess to sort out. The dream ended. It was so nice to see and hug Ray last night.
Yesterday Friedl, Drew and I went to get a tree for the parlor. It's all set up now but needs the lights and ornaments. This morning I was in the basement getting the boxes out. I found a bag of some used bows and "to/from" tags. They were the tags from the gifts the last year Ray and I spent Christmas together, 2009. When we first met I always put odd names on the to/from tags. Instead of just..."To Ray, From Jim." I would put something like "To: The Chef - From: The Banker" or "To: The Gardener - From: The Photographer." Thus refrencing other duties or hobbies of ours. Ray, of course, eventually caught on and did the same. I want to share the names on the tags from our last Christmas together:
GIFTS FROM ME TO RAY:
To: The Survivor
From: Your "Blogger"
To: Ray or Raymond or Rick
From: Jimmy
(This was in reference to a joke from one the nurses he had)
To: The Music Man
From: The Web Master
To: Mondo Verone
From: James P
To: Ho, Ho, Ho, Raymone
Form: The World's Best Substitute Teacher (...or that's what the kids say)
To: My Bionic Man
From: Jim-Bo
(In reference to his defibulator)
To: The C.S.I. Detective
From: Judge Judy's Biggest Fan
(Our favorite Shows, CSI: Miami -Ray's favorite, and Judge Judy - my favorite)
To: Mondo Verone
From: Wiley, Amity, Gabby and Moscow
To: My Dreamer/Believer
From: Jimmy
FROM RAY TO ME
To: Mr. Blog
From: Mr. Flowers
(Referencing the blog I started and the fact that he was getting so many get-well flowers)
To: Nurse Gowran
From: Patient Raymond
I will cherish these little pieces of paper forever.
I had a dream about Ray last night. We had an argument and he said he was leaving. He left and I hadn't heard from him in a couple days. I was getting worried and was really missing him. I called the restaurant he used to work at and asked to speak with him, they said he wasn't there but I could leave a message. I was then walking down a street and saw him looking at a couple pieces of wicker furntiure. He saw me, pointed to one and said "this would look nice on the porch." I said "but you're not staying are you?" He asked "what do you mean?" I said, "you left me you're not coming back are you?" He said "yes I am" and came over and hugged me. I was soooooooo happy. He looked so good and it made me feel so good. Then I thought "What about Drew? What will I tell Ray? What will I tell Drew?" Then I realized Ray was dead. Reality set into my dream. I knew Ray couldn't come back, dead is dead. Oddly enought I felt a sense of relief. Relief that I didn't have a big old mess to sort out. The dream ended. It was so nice to see and hug Ray last night.
Yesterday Friedl, Drew and I went to get a tree for the parlor. It's all set up now but needs the lights and ornaments. This morning I was in the basement getting the boxes out. I found a bag of some used bows and "to/from" tags. They were the tags from the gifts the last year Ray and I spent Christmas together, 2009. When we first met I always put odd names on the to/from tags. Instead of just..."To Ray, From Jim." I would put something like "To: The Chef - From: The Banker" or "To: The Gardener - From: The Photographer." Thus refrencing other duties or hobbies of ours. Ray, of course, eventually caught on and did the same. I want to share the names on the tags from our last Christmas together:
GIFTS FROM ME TO RAY:
To: The Survivor
From: Your "Blogger"
To: Ray or Raymond or Rick
From: Jimmy
(This was in reference to a joke from one the nurses he had)
To: The Music Man
From: The Web Master
To: Mondo Verone
From: James P
To: Ho, Ho, Ho, Raymone
Form: The World's Best Substitute Teacher (...or that's what the kids say)
To: My Bionic Man
From: Jim-Bo
(In reference to his defibulator)
To: The C.S.I. Detective
From: Judge Judy's Biggest Fan
(Our favorite Shows, CSI: Miami -Ray's favorite, and Judge Judy - my favorite)
To: Mondo Verone
From: Wiley, Amity, Gabby and Moscow
To: My Dreamer/Believer
From: Jimmy
FROM RAY TO ME
To: Mr. Blog
From: Mr. Flowers
(Referencing the blog I started and the fact that he was getting so many get-well flowers)
To: Nurse Gowran
From: Patient Raymond
I will cherish these little pieces of paper forever.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thanksgiving Dinner
What a month of "issues." In late October/early November my phone company (Frontier) had problems with DSL with ALL of southwest Michigan. I finally got internet back on after eight days. Last Thursday the water department came and had to shut my water off due to a main break from all the work being done at the Shell station next door (they're getting all new tanks). Then Friday night, while checking guests in, we all heard a loud boom and what sounded like a car revving and revving. This is what we found:
A truck hit the phone pole and telephone box by my front sign. It split the pole in two and landed on top of the stump. He was trying to back up off the pole. That took out my phone & DSL service. I finally got phone service restored this afternoon.
The last couple of days I have felt sick. I am assuming it is the 48 hour flu. I couldn't eat anything yesterday and by the evening I was feeling like eating soup. I went into the basement and found some turkey noodle soup made by Ray on December 2, 2009 from leftover turkey from Thanksgiving of 2009. It really tasted very good. It was nice to eat a dinner made by Ray's own hands...two years later!
Thanksgiving is already just four days away. It is hard to believe. My second year without Ray. Drew is coming in tomorrow from Chicago. I look forward to seeing him again. He and Friedl will be here and the three of us will celebrate Thanksgiving together. - Jimmy
Friday, November 18, 2011
Happy With My Life
I've had a really good week. I've had lots of time alone, giving me a chance to think and reflect on things. I'm at peace with where I am in my life right now.
Two years ago tonight Ray did his "bowel prep" for his colonoscopy. I decided to support him by not eating also. I didn't want to make a dinner for me and have him smell it and suffer. When we went to the doctor's the next day we were going to both go to Panera Bread to have something to eat after the colonoscopy. After we got the news of his cancer we didn't go out to eat. Neither of us were hungry.
I'm sitting here watching Judge Judy while waiting for my guests to check-in. I'm in my "comfort zone." Friedl is coming to dinner tonight. I'm happy with my life. - Jimmy
Two years ago tonight Ray did his "bowel prep" for his colonoscopy. I decided to support him by not eating also. I didn't want to make a dinner for me and have him smell it and suffer. When we went to the doctor's the next day we were going to both go to Panera Bread to have something to eat after the colonoscopy. After we got the news of his cancer we didn't go out to eat. Neither of us were hungry.
I'm sitting here watching Judge Judy while waiting for my guests to check-in. I'm in my "comfort zone." Friedl is coming to dinner tonight. I'm happy with my life. - Jimmy
Sunday, November 13, 2011
God Is Good
I am back home. I had a great time in Chicago with Drew. We went to Shedd Aquarium on Friday. There was a good 45 minute wait outside, but the aquarium was great. We also went to a couple restaurants featured on "Diners, Drive Ins and Dives" from the Food Network Channel.
I had a crazy dream the other night. I had a dream that I was crying very, very hard about Ray's death. As I analyze this I think about how content I am right now about everything yet in my dream I had all this emotion. I wonder if my medication works so well at keeping my emotions in check in reality, that I can only release them in my dreams. Just a thought. I don't have this dream often, maybe only twice actually, but it just seems odd that I cried in my dream.
It's a terribly windy day out today. It looks like rain too. So, I doubt I will get any leaves raked. OH WELL! I've got inside chores that need to be done and a room checking in as well.
I do feel as if I am ready to move on with my life. Move on feeling content and at peace with where I am at. It's just so crazy. As I've said for so long, back a year and a half ago I would have NEVER, EVER thought I would get to this place. God is good. - Jimmy
I had a crazy dream the other night. I had a dream that I was crying very, very hard about Ray's death. As I analyze this I think about how content I am right now about everything yet in my dream I had all this emotion. I wonder if my medication works so well at keeping my emotions in check in reality, that I can only release them in my dreams. Just a thought. I don't have this dream often, maybe only twice actually, but it just seems odd that I cried in my dream.
It's a terribly windy day out today. It looks like rain too. So, I doubt I will get any leaves raked. OH WELL! I've got inside chores that need to be done and a room checking in as well.
I do feel as if I am ready to move on with my life. Move on feeling content and at peace with where I am at. It's just so crazy. As I've said for so long, back a year and a half ago I would have NEVER, EVER thought I would get to this place. God is good. - Jimmy
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Two Years Ago Tonight
Today begins my "Two Years Ago Today" personal journey. Two years ago today Ray went for his regular semi-annual physical. It was at this physical his doctor ordered the routine colonoscopy. I was on the front second story roof putting up the garland and lights when he left. I can totally remember seeing him get in the car and leaving. He came home so happy that his physcial turned out so good and happy to be getting the colonoscopy. Happy in the sense that he felt as if he was taking care of himself.
I, of course, was not thrilled with his doctor. That night he asked me about where to go for his blood work. I asked him "didn't your doctor schedule that before your visit so he could give you the results there?" He said "no, he prescribed the blood work when I went for my physical and then will call me with the results. I said I never heard of that....I always got my blood work ahead of time and got my results when I went for my physical." That is how I've known everyone else to get it done. I told him his doctor was wierd anyway, since it took him over a year to refer Ray to a cardiologist after being diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Ray did NOT like my response to him. He was very upset and said he like his doctor and totally trusted him. I felt bad, but I just truly didn't think his doctor took his heart thing serious enough in the beginning. That is just my opinion. That was our night two years ago tonight. - Jimmy
I, of course, was not thrilled with his doctor. That night he asked me about where to go for his blood work. I asked him "didn't your doctor schedule that before your visit so he could give you the results there?" He said "no, he prescribed the blood work when I went for my physical and then will call me with the results. I said I never heard of that....I always got my blood work ahead of time and got my results when I went for my physical." That is how I've known everyone else to get it done. I told him his doctor was wierd anyway, since it took him over a year to refer Ray to a cardiologist after being diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Ray did NOT like my response to him. He was very upset and said he like his doctor and totally trusted him. I felt bad, but I just truly didn't think his doctor took his heart thing serious enough in the beginning. That is just my opinion. That was our night two years ago tonight. - Jimmy
Monday, November 7, 2011
Chow For Now
My DSL didn't get back up and running until Wednesday of last week. I was out for a week! What a mess. Frontier Communications bought our Verizon Phone Company Service here a couple years ago. The entire southwest Michigan area had no DSL (for Frontier customers). It was all the talk at the Post Office. I had called several times when it first went out and then they officially opened a "ticket" for it on Sunday. They called me today (over a week later) and said "This is Frontier...I have a ticket open here that indicates you have no high speed DSL." I was like....that's from over a week ago and I got my internet back last Wednesday. They are a MESS!
I started my real estate classes. It's gonna take a lot of work, but I'll do it.
Tomorrow I sub for sixth grade again in Saugatuck. I love it, same kids, class, routine, etc. The regular teacher has meetings "in-house" all day.
I'm stilll doing good. I'm gonna take Drew back to Chicago on Wednesday and spend four days there. Then I'll come back alone for a week or so and he'll come back for Thanksgiving. I can't believe it will soon be Thanksgiving! Chow for now. - Jimmy
I started my real estate classes. It's gonna take a lot of work, but I'll do it.
Tomorrow I sub for sixth grade again in Saugatuck. I love it, same kids, class, routine, etc. The regular teacher has meetings "in-house" all day.
I'm stilll doing good. I'm gonna take Drew back to Chicago on Wednesday and spend four days there. Then I'll come back alone for a week or so and he'll come back for Thanksgiving. I can't believe it will soon be Thanksgiving! Chow for now. - Jimmy
Monday, October 31, 2011
On The Right Track
I'm subbing for sixth grade in Saugatuck again today. It's really nice. I'm tired from the weekend though so I'll probably want to just lay down and close my eyes when I get home.
I haven't had internet at the house for a week now. Frontier Communications (formerly Verizon) had problems with their server in Muskegon. Apparently it was back up yesterday but my modem wasn't connecting to the internet. After an hour and a half the technician I was talking to said he would have to open a "ticket" for it. So who knows how long that will take?
I'm on a break right now and the kids should be coming back in about 20 minutes. The silence is golden!
I'm feeling good emotionally today. I'm on the right track! - Jimmy
I haven't had internet at the house for a week now. Frontier Communications (formerly Verizon) had problems with their server in Muskegon. Apparently it was back up yesterday but my modem wasn't connecting to the internet. After an hour and a half the technician I was talking to said he would have to open a "ticket" for it. So who knows how long that will take?
I'm on a break right now and the kids should be coming back in about 20 minutes. The silence is golden!
I'm feeling good emotionally today. I'm on the right track! - Jimmy
Friday, October 28, 2011
Come To Terms
I spent a couple days in Chicago this week. I took Tom back with me and he took the downtown Chicago train back to his home in Joliet. Drew and I spent the rest of the day and a half at his place and exploring a bit of town. We had lunch at the Walnut Room at Macy's on State Street. That was real nice.
I woke up on Wednesday morning and put eye drops in my eye. As I wiped the excess drops off my checks I thought to myself, if Drew saw me he would think I had been crying. This led to thoughts about where I am emotionally right now in my dealing with the loss and grief of Ray. I thought deep about it and realized I believe I have "come to terms" with everything. He is gone and will never come back...and I've accepted that. I am truly ready to move on with my life.
I don't feel like there is a weight tied to my legs. It used to feel like that. I "moved on" and did things but there was this weight that was making me struggle to move ahead very easily. Something just kept nagging me. I think that is now gone. At least for now. I anticipate days in which I will struggle, be sad and even cry. But now I know that it will be short lived and I will be back to myself. I truly feel like weights have been lifted from me. I no longer feel that people are judging me if I laugh or have a good time. I no longer feel "guilty" because I am dating. I feel like "Jim." I now feel like "me." It's very hard to explain, but I'm doing my best.
I'm subbing today in Saugatuck for sixth grade. (I'm on break by the way.) This has been really good for me and my new life. This is my eighth time (or so) this year for this class. They are getting to know me and it makes my day teaching MUCH easier. I know the kids, the class, the schedule, and the staff. And, they know me. It's nice.
My favorite holiday is approaching fast. Halloween! I have always loved Halloween. The spooky decorations, the candy, the costumes. It's a time when you can dress up to any fantasy you want and no one judges you. I think it's all about the creativity...well and the candy too! Saturday night is the Douglas Adult Halloween Parade at 10:00 pm in downtown Douglas. It is a BLAST! Literally THOUSANDS of people. - Jimmy
I woke up on Wednesday morning and put eye drops in my eye. As I wiped the excess drops off my checks I thought to myself, if Drew saw me he would think I had been crying. This led to thoughts about where I am emotionally right now in my dealing with the loss and grief of Ray. I thought deep about it and realized I believe I have "come to terms" with everything. He is gone and will never come back...and I've accepted that. I am truly ready to move on with my life.
I don't feel like there is a weight tied to my legs. It used to feel like that. I "moved on" and did things but there was this weight that was making me struggle to move ahead very easily. Something just kept nagging me. I think that is now gone. At least for now. I anticipate days in which I will struggle, be sad and even cry. But now I know that it will be short lived and I will be back to myself. I truly feel like weights have been lifted from me. I no longer feel that people are judging me if I laugh or have a good time. I no longer feel "guilty" because I am dating. I feel like "Jim." I now feel like "me." It's very hard to explain, but I'm doing my best.
I'm subbing today in Saugatuck for sixth grade. (I'm on break by the way.) This has been really good for me and my new life. This is my eighth time (or so) this year for this class. They are getting to know me and it makes my day teaching MUCH easier. I know the kids, the class, the schedule, and the staff. And, they know me. It's nice.
My favorite holiday is approaching fast. Halloween! I have always loved Halloween. The spooky decorations, the candy, the costumes. It's a time when you can dress up to any fantasy you want and no one judges you. I think it's all about the creativity...well and the candy too! Saturday night is the Douglas Adult Halloween Parade at 10:00 pm in downtown Douglas. It is a BLAST! Literally THOUSANDS of people. - Jimmy
Monday, October 24, 2011
These Are My Thoughts Today
My journey. The other day I was reading my blog from January and February of 2010. I know I've said this over and over and over...but I never thought I would ever have come this far. Again, my biggest suggestion to someone who is grieving...write a journal. Even if it is just for yourself, or a blog you want to share. The importance of this comes when you are able to go and look back. You can see the progress you've made. That is, if you let the progress happen. If you fight the progress you sure won't heal.
One of the things my grief counselor told me was that one day I would look at pictures of Ray or think of memories of him and smile, not cry. I, of course, thought she was absolutely nuts, although I never told her that. Yesterday I was thinking about a story about Ray and it made me smile real big. It's a silly story but it reminded my how much Ray didn't really "get out." We went to Macy's (the old Hudson's) in December of 2008. We split up at the mall to go Christmas shopping for each other. When we finished and met up he said "did you know Hudson's/Macy's doesn't have a toy department any more?" I laughed so hard. I told his they haven't had a toy department in years. He was thinking of the old Eastland Hudson's and how it had a toy department in the basement. I knew Ray so well I figured out what he wanted to buy me for Christmas...a train set. I was right. There are too many stories over our 20 years together that I was able to figure it out. I won't bore you and share them all here. Anyway, I thought of this story yesterday morning and just smiled real big.
Tom went with me last night to pick up Friedl and her sister Uli. They got in at 9:30 p.m. We met them at the end of the gate/security area and helped with their bags. I had left a bottle of wine chilling in her fridge so they could have a of glass or two when they got in the house. Plus, I had a little dinner ready to go. I was soooo tired from the busy weekend but we ate and I finally got home and went to bed about 1:30 a.m.! I slept like a rock.
Today is a gorgous, sunny day. Temps in the low 60's. I will try to get some outdoor stuff done today. Tom will help me with that. Then I have guests checking in this afternoon. Tomorrow I will take Tom back to Chicago and spend a couple days there with Drew. He's coming back with me Thursday because he wants to be here for the big Halloween parade in Douglas this weekend. It's at 10:00 p.m. on Saturday and it is the adult celebration. So, neeedless to say, the costumes are amazing. I can never think of anything to wear on Halloween, then I see all these creative costumes and wonder why I didn't think of that.
I talked on the phone last night with Ray's sister Susie. She was really missing her brother and wanted someone to talk to. I know what that's like. Sometimes you just need to talk...that's all. She seemed to feel better after we chatted.
These are my thoughts today. - Jimmy
One of the things my grief counselor told me was that one day I would look at pictures of Ray or think of memories of him and smile, not cry. I, of course, thought she was absolutely nuts, although I never told her that. Yesterday I was thinking about a story about Ray and it made me smile real big. It's a silly story but it reminded my how much Ray didn't really "get out." We went to Macy's (the old Hudson's) in December of 2008. We split up at the mall to go Christmas shopping for each other. When we finished and met up he said "did you know Hudson's/Macy's doesn't have a toy department any more?" I laughed so hard. I told his they haven't had a toy department in years. He was thinking of the old Eastland Hudson's and how it had a toy department in the basement. I knew Ray so well I figured out what he wanted to buy me for Christmas...a train set. I was right. There are too many stories over our 20 years together that I was able to figure it out. I won't bore you and share them all here. Anyway, I thought of this story yesterday morning and just smiled real big.
Tom went with me last night to pick up Friedl and her sister Uli. They got in at 9:30 p.m. We met them at the end of the gate/security area and helped with their bags. I had left a bottle of wine chilling in her fridge so they could have a of glass or two when they got in the house. Plus, I had a little dinner ready to go. I was soooo tired from the busy weekend but we ate and I finally got home and went to bed about 1:30 a.m.! I slept like a rock.
Today is a gorgous, sunny day. Temps in the low 60's. I will try to get some outdoor stuff done today. Tom will help me with that. Then I have guests checking in this afternoon. Tomorrow I will take Tom back to Chicago and spend a couple days there with Drew. He's coming back with me Thursday because he wants to be here for the big Halloween parade in Douglas this weekend. It's at 10:00 p.m. on Saturday and it is the adult celebration. So, neeedless to say, the costumes are amazing. I can never think of anything to wear on Halloween, then I see all these creative costumes and wonder why I didn't think of that.
I talked on the phone last night with Ray's sister Susie. She was really missing her brother and wanted someone to talk to. I know what that's like. Sometimes you just need to talk...that's all. She seemed to feel better after we chatted.
These are my thoughts today. - Jimmy
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Video
I've been working on this video montage. Check it out.
The Kirby House Video Montage
Had a busy and fun weekend. Repeat and new guests. One man proposed to his girlfriend at breakfast Saturday morning.
I am picking Friedl and her sister up from the airport tonight. It will be good to see her.
Not much new.
Jimmy
The Kirby House Video Montage
Had a busy and fun weekend. Repeat and new guests. One man proposed to his girlfriend at breakfast Saturday morning.
I am picking Friedl and her sister up from the airport tonight. It will be good to see her.
Not much new.
Jimmy
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Not Quite Sure Where I Am Going
Busy week for me. I subbed for sixth grade all day Monday in Saugatuck. Yesterday Drew left for Chicago. He's gone back home to take care of some things and will be back in a couple weeks for a week or so. His "internship" for summer hospitality work is over. Ha ha.
After Drew left I took Friedl and her sister, Uli, to Grand Rapids airport. They are doing a New England color tour in Vermont, Main, etc. Then I went to the Holland train station and picked up my friend Tom and his mom. Tom is watching Friedl's house and dog while she is gone. So I had a busy day transporting people.
Today and tomorrow I am subbing for Algebra/Technology (computer lab) in Saugatuck. It's so nice to work so close to home.
Last night I slept in the house all by myself. I slept in room three. I woke up this morning not knowing where I was. However, I slept like a baby. Mondo spent most of the night with me. I sooo did not want to get up this morning.
I showed Tom's mom the book I made from the cruise Ray and I took my mom on. When I saw the pictures of Ray it just seemed so hard to believe that he is not here anymore. I mean he looked so "alive" in the pictures. One of those moments of reality hitting me again. I'm doing ok though. However I feel like my life is in limbo right now though. Not quite sure where I am going. - Jimmy
After Drew left I took Friedl and her sister, Uli, to Grand Rapids airport. They are doing a New England color tour in Vermont, Main, etc. Then I went to the Holland train station and picked up my friend Tom and his mom. Tom is watching Friedl's house and dog while she is gone. So I had a busy day transporting people.
Today and tomorrow I am subbing for Algebra/Technology (computer lab) in Saugatuck. It's so nice to work so close to home.
Last night I slept in the house all by myself. I slept in room three. I woke up this morning not knowing where I was. However, I slept like a baby. Mondo spent most of the night with me. I sooo did not want to get up this morning.
I showed Tom's mom the book I made from the cruise Ray and I took my mom on. When I saw the pictures of Ray it just seemed so hard to believe that he is not here anymore. I mean he looked so "alive" in the pictures. One of those moments of reality hitting me again. I'm doing ok though. However I feel like my life is in limbo right now though. Not quite sure where I am going. - Jimmy
Sunday, October 9, 2011
But My Tomorrows Look Brighter
I faced my fears...sort of.
I've heard stories of people who have experienced very unpleasant situations. To help them get over it they have gone back to the place where the experience happened...just to prove it doesn't control their lives. A bear attack in the woods, a hiking accident gone bad...etc. I never quite understood it. I think I do now.
After Labor Day Ray and I would take a post-summer trip. Just for a few days. Our favorite was a trip up north to Mackinac Island. Eventually our tradition was to leave on Sunday and stay in Traverse City for one night. Then, Monday we would head to Mackinaw City. We would stop in Petoskey for a break to shop and eat. Then head on. This year I wanted to make my traditional trip. Last year I went to Key West with Marguerite. However, I missed making the annual trip up north. So, after several ideas of places to go I decided I wanted to go back up north. I wasn't ready for Mackinac Island yet though. It would be way too tough for me. I love Traverse City, and since Ray and I would only spend one night there I figured I could handle that. So, Drew and I packed up and left for Traverse City last Monday, October 3rd.
It was somewhat bittersweet for me. The first day and a half I had this terrible anxiety. I saw and experienced things Ray and I would experience on our personal time. After that day and a half I relaxed. I knew I could handle this and enjoy. I realized the fear and anxiety of going places I did with Ray don't control me. Without even knowing it I had to face that fear to prove to myself that I can still live a life without feeling the pain of the past. My grief counselor used to tell me that. She would say that one day I will look at pictures and smile...not cry, I will do things I used to do with Ray and laugh. I thought she was nuts. She told me that if someone grieves correctly (allows the process to happen and does not ignore it or put it off) it takes two years to come to terms and feel "normal" again. Amazingly I am approaching that two year mark. It seems crazy that in three months it will have been two years since Ray died. It will always feel like yesterday to me. But my tomorrows look brighter. - Jimmy
I've heard stories of people who have experienced very unpleasant situations. To help them get over it they have gone back to the place where the experience happened...just to prove it doesn't control their lives. A bear attack in the woods, a hiking accident gone bad...etc. I never quite understood it. I think I do now.
After Labor Day Ray and I would take a post-summer trip. Just for a few days. Our favorite was a trip up north to Mackinac Island. Eventually our tradition was to leave on Sunday and stay in Traverse City for one night. Then, Monday we would head to Mackinaw City. We would stop in Petoskey for a break to shop and eat. Then head on. This year I wanted to make my traditional trip. Last year I went to Key West with Marguerite. However, I missed making the annual trip up north. So, after several ideas of places to go I decided I wanted to go back up north. I wasn't ready for Mackinac Island yet though. It would be way too tough for me. I love Traverse City, and since Ray and I would only spend one night there I figured I could handle that. So, Drew and I packed up and left for Traverse City last Monday, October 3rd.
It was somewhat bittersweet for me. The first day and a half I had this terrible anxiety. I saw and experienced things Ray and I would experience on our personal time. After that day and a half I relaxed. I knew I could handle this and enjoy. I realized the fear and anxiety of going places I did with Ray don't control me. Without even knowing it I had to face that fear to prove to myself that I can still live a life without feeling the pain of the past. My grief counselor used to tell me that. She would say that one day I will look at pictures and smile...not cry, I will do things I used to do with Ray and laugh. I thought she was nuts. She told me that if someone grieves correctly (allows the process to happen and does not ignore it or put it off) it takes two years to come to terms and feel "normal" again. Amazingly I am approaching that two year mark. It seems crazy that in three months it will have been two years since Ray died. It will always feel like yesterday to me. But my tomorrows look brighter. - Jimmy
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Dreams Are Amazing
WOW! What an amazing couple days. We had the strongest winds in quite a while. Power went out for a while, trees down, a car on Lakeshore Drive was crushed by a tree, downed lines and a mess of a front porch, deck and yard for me. Things are a bit back to normal now. It is very, very cold here....between 46 and 51 degrees...however the sun is out. Next week is going to be in the mid 70's and close to 80 by Friday!
Today is the Oktoberfest in Douglas. We went to the parade at noon. Activities are going on all day. Friedl, Marguerite, Drew and I are going tonight about 6:00 for the celebration. I will wear my Austrian shirt, hat and jacket! The jacket will be perfect for the chilly night it is going to be.
I had the most amazing dream the other night. It was so real it was unbelievable. Vivid too! I could tell it like it was something that actually happened. I will try to relay it below.
I was leaving the Kirby House to drop off two envelopes at the mailbox. As I left there were two guests coming in the back door to check-in. I think Marguerite was here to check-in the guests or something because as they came in I saw them but still left out the front door. It was dark out and there was snow on the ground, so it must have been a winter's evening...maybe 7:30 p.m. or so. As I approached my car there were other cars coming in the lot. Apparently I must have had some event going on. A woman from one of the cars that pulled in got out of her car and entered the passenger side of my truck. It is someone I know. I just figured she wanted to chat with me or tell me something and so she decided to come along with me. As I pulled out of the lot I noticed rain drops on my windshield and assumed it must have rained. I stopped just before exiting the lot to check for oncoming traffic. As I looked around I saw a big cluster of clouds in the sky with a beautiful rainbow protruding out from it. I said to my passenger, "Look at that awesome rainbow." As I looked at it, it became much more brilliant. And then shot to the side and enveloped this planet, the moon or something I assumed. Then the colors became just amazingly brilliant. Like nothing I've seen before. Then, this "planet" looked like fireworks were shooting out from it. I began to feel like that was heaven or something and thought of the "rapture." It felt as if my body was lifting...or my soul was lifting. I was trying to keep my foot on the brake pedal so the truck wouldn't take off...then "bam" I woke up.
Two night's later I had a dream I was driving with my brother David. I haven't dreamt of David in years. In the sky I saw the cluster of clouds and the same rainbow appeared...I said to David "watch, look what's gonna happen." Then I woke up.
Dreams are amazing. - Jimmy
Today is the Oktoberfest in Douglas. We went to the parade at noon. Activities are going on all day. Friedl, Marguerite, Drew and I are going tonight about 6:00 for the celebration. I will wear my Austrian shirt, hat and jacket! The jacket will be perfect for the chilly night it is going to be.
I had the most amazing dream the other night. It was so real it was unbelievable. Vivid too! I could tell it like it was something that actually happened. I will try to relay it below.
I was leaving the Kirby House to drop off two envelopes at the mailbox. As I left there were two guests coming in the back door to check-in. I think Marguerite was here to check-in the guests or something because as they came in I saw them but still left out the front door. It was dark out and there was snow on the ground, so it must have been a winter's evening...maybe 7:30 p.m. or so. As I approached my car there were other cars coming in the lot. Apparently I must have had some event going on. A woman from one of the cars that pulled in got out of her car and entered the passenger side of my truck. It is someone I know. I just figured she wanted to chat with me or tell me something and so she decided to come along with me. As I pulled out of the lot I noticed rain drops on my windshield and assumed it must have rained. I stopped just before exiting the lot to check for oncoming traffic. As I looked around I saw a big cluster of clouds in the sky with a beautiful rainbow protruding out from it. I said to my passenger, "Look at that awesome rainbow." As I looked at it, it became much more brilliant. And then shot to the side and enveloped this planet, the moon or something I assumed. Then the colors became just amazingly brilliant. Like nothing I've seen before. Then, this "planet" looked like fireworks were shooting out from it. I began to feel like that was heaven or something and thought of the "rapture." It felt as if my body was lifting...or my soul was lifting. I was trying to keep my foot on the brake pedal so the truck wouldn't take off...then "bam" I woke up.
Two night's later I had a dream I was driving with my brother David. I haven't dreamt of David in years. In the sky I saw the cluster of clouds and the same rainbow appeared...I said to David "watch, look what's gonna happen." Then I woke up.
Dreams are amazing. - Jimmy
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
MY Way
Here it is 5:30 a.m. and I'm wide awake! I feel really good this morning. I've had a full 1 1/2 days "off" so I am getting well rested. It's tough working 24/7 and being "ON" for almost five months. I think I'll take one more day "off" and then start getting things ready for the weekend tomorrow. By then I should be totally refreshed.
Mentally and emotionally I'm feeling very good. I can't tell you how many times I just thought it could never happen. I remember mentioning in many blogs that I don't think I could ever feel "normal" again. The pain of the loss of Ray was so strong. My world, as I knew it, was turned upside down. In an instant. How do you cope? How do you get through. Well I did it an hour at a time. I couldn't even look at it as a day at a time. From one hour to the next my emotions ran wild. I hid my emotions from the outside world. I would hurt so bad inside but as I did my daily errands no one else knew my hurt. I'm sure there were others around me who were hurting and saw me and wished they were "happy" like I am...not even knowing the hurt I was going through. Today I feel normal.
I have made so much progress. I could not have do it without the support from my community of friends, acquaintances, grief counseling, family, God, reading about loss and grief, medication (of course), alcohol (at times), crying and crying, and finally beginning to "let go." By "let go" I am referring to throwing out Ray's old toothbrush, shoes, donating his clothes, and changing things in the house and business to do it MY way. I'm much stronger today. Thank God! - Jimmy
Mentally and emotionally I'm feeling very good. I can't tell you how many times I just thought it could never happen. I remember mentioning in many blogs that I don't think I could ever feel "normal" again. The pain of the loss of Ray was so strong. My world, as I knew it, was turned upside down. In an instant. How do you cope? How do you get through. Well I did it an hour at a time. I couldn't even look at it as a day at a time. From one hour to the next my emotions ran wild. I hid my emotions from the outside world. I would hurt so bad inside but as I did my daily errands no one else knew my hurt. I'm sure there were others around me who were hurting and saw me and wished they were "happy" like I am...not even knowing the hurt I was going through. Today I feel normal.
I have made so much progress. I could not have do it without the support from my community of friends, acquaintances, grief counseling, family, God, reading about loss and grief, medication (of course), alcohol (at times), crying and crying, and finally beginning to "let go." By "let go" I am referring to throwing out Ray's old toothbrush, shoes, donating his clothes, and changing things in the house and business to do it MY way. I'm much stronger today. Thank God! - Jimmy
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
God's Will
God is amazing! Trust in him and he comes through every time. We may not understand the process in which he works or understand why, but he takes care of us...if we let him. Over the last few years I have begun to understand that when we pray we should pray for HIS will...not what we "want." That is very difficult to understand. We pray for sick people to get well. We pray for being hired for a particular job. We pray for a "want" that we have in life that we think we need. We just have to realize that his answer is the best for us. I've experienced this first hand.
Over the several months I have had a specific financial concern. I have prayed and prayed for God to help me with this. In my prayers I have never ASKED for him to do anything in particular...just help me. I wanted Hhis will to be done...even if it meant I had to suffer and couldn't make my financial obligation. I have put my life's plans in his hands. Well, today God's answer came. My financial need was due THIS Friday. Today I learned that I will have the money in my account by this Friday!!! This money was not given to me, and I did not borrow it. I don't want to get too personal about my financial situation...but a weight has been lifted and I felt so good this afternoon. Months of worry wasted. I don't know that I will ever learn not to worry, but I'm getting better at trusting God.
Fall is sure in the air. Temps in the upper 50's and low 60's already. The pool closes Saturday, but with these temps I'm not sure if I'll get a last dip in before it closes. - Jimmy
Over the several months I have had a specific financial concern. I have prayed and prayed for God to help me with this. In my prayers I have never ASKED for him to do anything in particular...just help me. I wanted Hhis will to be done...even if it meant I had to suffer and couldn't make my financial obligation. I have put my life's plans in his hands. Well, today God's answer came. My financial need was due THIS Friday. Today I learned that I will have the money in my account by this Friday!!! This money was not given to me, and I did not borrow it. I don't want to get too personal about my financial situation...but a weight has been lifted and I felt so good this afternoon. Months of worry wasted. I don't know that I will ever learn not to worry, but I'm getting better at trusting God.
Fall is sure in the air. Temps in the upper 50's and low 60's already. The pool closes Saturday, but with these temps I'm not sure if I'll get a last dip in before it closes. - Jimmy
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
A Week
Wow! It's been a week since I've blogged. Been busy subbing and working the B&B. In fact I have to sub tomorrow and Friday. I've been subbing for the same class, so it's nice to have consistency in the kids and classroom.
The temperatures have been cooler, but it really is a nice relief from the extreme heat. Tonight Drew, Friedl and I are planning to have a fire in the fire-pit. It's a perfect night for it.
I've been feeling well lately. The medication is doing it's job. I have not had any depression for several weeks now. Life has been good. - Jimmy
The temperatures have been cooler, but it really is a nice relief from the extreme heat. Tonight Drew, Friedl and I are planning to have a fire in the fire-pit. It's a perfect night for it.
I've been feeling well lately. The medication is doing it's job. I have not had any depression for several weeks now. Life has been good. - Jimmy
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Home Alone
I am home alone! Truly...alone! No guests, no friends, no Marguerite and no Drew. First time in months and months. After I took my friend Tom to the train station this morning I came back home and layed in bed until 10:00. Then I came downstairs and layed on the couch watching television. A bit of guilt set in..."I should be doing this or doing that." But I justified it with the fact that I've not had an official day off in probably four months. However, at about 2:30 I got my can of paint, a brush and supplies and started painting the house. The part of the house around the front porch. My home will be on the Heritage Historical Homes tour this weekend so I want it to look real nice. I already did a bit of cleaning inside...extra cleaning including hiding a buch of "stuff"" (like all kinds of knick knacks).
I have to sub tomorrow for sixth grade in Saugatuck...so my home alone time is very short lived. That's ok. Then I'll pick Drew up at 3:00 in Holland and a full house checks in on Friday. So it goes from one extreme to the other right now.
I paid my taxes today. Boy that is a hard check to write!!! My first full time job's annual salary at the Bank wouldn't have even covered the summer tax bill. GULP! At least I had the funds to pay it. Now I have to hope I can make it till February when the winter taxes are due.
Friedl asked me to dinner tonight. I figured it would be nice with just her and me. In fact I should leave to go there very, very soon, but it's so nice to sit alone on the front porch swing.
I keep moving on! - Jimmy
I have to sub tomorrow for sixth grade in Saugatuck...so my home alone time is very short lived. That's ok. Then I'll pick Drew up at 3:00 in Holland and a full house checks in on Friday. So it goes from one extreme to the other right now.
I paid my taxes today. Boy that is a hard check to write!!! My first full time job's annual salary at the Bank wouldn't have even covered the summer tax bill. GULP! At least I had the funds to pay it. Now I have to hope I can make it till February when the winter taxes are due.
Friedl asked me to dinner tonight. I figured it would be nice with just her and me. In fact I should leave to go there very, very soon, but it's so nice to sit alone on the front porch swing.
I keep moving on! - Jimmy
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Ten Years Ago
Here it is...a decade anniversary of the tragic 9/11 day of 2001. I was not alive during Word War II, nor when President Kennedy was assassinated. That was of my parents generation. They would always speak about what they remember from the war or what exactly there were doing when they found out the war ended or when Kennedy was shot. My two remembrances are of knowing where I was at and what I was doing when Lady Diana was announced dead and when 9/11 happened.
Ray and I were making breakfast on September 11, 2001. We had a few rooms and he was cooking and I was sitting in our small office under the stairs. The phone rang and it was our friend Kelly. She told me that a plane hit one of the Trade Center buildings and she thought it might have been a small private plane in which the pilot may have had a heart attack or something. That was one of the speculations circulating at that moment. Ray and I turned on our small television in the kitchen and saw when the second plane hit the second tower.
Over the next month this tragedy brought us a lot of work. People who had scheduled vacations off work couldn't fly anywhere. So they hopped in the car and drove to the closest sandy beaches...the shores of Lake Michigan in Saugatuck-Douglas, Michigan. In mid-October we were able to take our postponed trip to Key West. We were in the Chicago airport terminal waiting to connect for our flight to Miani when George W. Bush came on the television and announced we were at war with Afghanistan.
People flying were so afraid of being taken aside and searched that no one made any hassles at the airports. People behaved and no one would hit the buzzer on the plane for a flight attendant...that would bring attention to them and might make the flight crew suspicious. I loved flying at that time...people were so nice and cordial. Now their behaviours are back to rude, obnoxious, and bossy.
Today is a beautiful day. One exactly like that day 10 years ago.
Ray and I were making breakfast on September 11, 2001. We had a few rooms and he was cooking and I was sitting in our small office under the stairs. The phone rang and it was our friend Kelly. She told me that a plane hit one of the Trade Center buildings and she thought it might have been a small private plane in which the pilot may have had a heart attack or something. That was one of the speculations circulating at that moment. Ray and I turned on our small television in the kitchen and saw when the second plane hit the second tower.
Over the next month this tragedy brought us a lot of work. People who had scheduled vacations off work couldn't fly anywhere. So they hopped in the car and drove to the closest sandy beaches...the shores of Lake Michigan in Saugatuck-Douglas, Michigan. In mid-October we were able to take our postponed trip to Key West. We were in the Chicago airport terminal waiting to connect for our flight to Miani when George W. Bush came on the television and announced we were at war with Afghanistan.
People flying were so afraid of being taken aside and searched that no one made any hassles at the airports. People behaved and no one would hit the buzzer on the plane for a flight attendant...that would bring attention to them and might make the flight crew suspicious. I loved flying at that time...people were so nice and cordial. Now their behaviours are back to rude, obnoxious, and bossy.
Today is a beautiful day. One exactly like that day 10 years ago.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
My Life Is Moving Forward
I looked at cards today. Sympathy cards sent to me after Ray died. I hadn't planned on it, but the Kirby House is going to be on the "Heritage Homes Tour" next Saturday and so I was moving things around in preparation of having less clutter around and I picked the basket of cards up. As I went through them I realized (again) how many people Ray brought joy to, and the many people who wrote to me that Ray told them how I made his life rich and full. He told me that many times, but when I hear that he told other people that behind my back I know he was telling me the truth. The thing is...I couldn't cry. I kind of wanted to, and even tried to a little bit, but it wasn't going to happen. Emotions can't be controlled. You just have to let them happen. And, when I look at pictures of Ray they make me smile. A year ago I would NEVER have thought that could happen, that I could be at a place where the pictures didn't make me cry. For now, that is where I am. Who knows what tomorrow brings?
It's a beautiful, sunny late summer day today. Drew is in Chicago for a week. He is going to a "steak-fry" today which has been a tradition with his friends for several years. It's kind of like a pot-luck. My friend Tom is here for a visit and is helping me out. After my 1:00 check-in gets here we are going to the farmers' market in Holland. A great day for that...weather wise.
My life is moving forward. - Jimmy
It's a beautiful, sunny late summer day today. Drew is in Chicago for a week. He is going to a "steak-fry" today which has been a tradition with his friends for several years. It's kind of like a pot-luck. My friend Tom is here for a visit and is helping me out. After my 1:00 check-in gets here we are going to the farmers' market in Holland. A great day for that...weather wise.
My life is moving forward. - Jimmy
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
Just saw a squirrel do a gymnastics move from one tree to the other. It was pretty awesome! Guess where I'm at...on the front porch.
The weather sure has changed! It was as if once Labor Day hit...BAM...fall is here. It's very cool and breezy. It is supposed to start to warm up as the week goes by. It should be nice this weekend for my guests.
I'm amazed when I read my blogs from last year. I feel like I was a completely different person. I was thinking about that today. It almost feels like I was inside another person's body. I know the medication is helping, but time (and what I do with that time) helps greatly.
I've got a busy evening. I'm picking Friedl up from the Grand Rapids Airport at 7:00 p.m. and then picking up my friend Tom from the Holland train station at 9:21 p.m. It will be planes, trains and automobiles for me tonight. - Jimmy
The weather sure has changed! It was as if once Labor Day hit...BAM...fall is here. It's very cool and breezy. It is supposed to start to warm up as the week goes by. It should be nice this weekend for my guests.
I'm amazed when I read my blogs from last year. I feel like I was a completely different person. I was thinking about that today. It almost feels like I was inside another person's body. I know the medication is helping, but time (and what I do with that time) helps greatly.
I've got a busy evening. I'm picking Friedl up from the Grand Rapids Airport at 7:00 p.m. and then picking up my friend Tom from the Holland train station at 9:21 p.m. It will be planes, trains and automobiles for me tonight. - Jimmy
Monday, September 5, 2011
I'm Glad For The Memories
Labor Day...it's almost over. I have made it through my 14th summer!! I could never have done it without the help and support of family an friends. Now, it starts to slow down and my life become a little more normal. I'll still be busy, just not overwhelmed. I've actually still got guests every day for the next eight days.
With the slower pace beginning I will be able to complete some projects and start some new ones. The biggest one is the basement. I've got a friend coming in to town for a job interview in Grand Rapids. He will be staying with me here. He said he would love to help me with the basement. I'll take him up on his offer.
It's a very odd summer day today. (Yes, it is still summer.) The temperature is 59 degress and breezy. However, the sun is out most of the time so that helps. Temperatures should be back up into the mid to upper 70's by the middle of the week.
I've been thinking a lot about Ray lately. Nothing new. I'm glad for the memories. - Jimmy
With the slower pace beginning I will be able to complete some projects and start some new ones. The biggest one is the basement. I've got a friend coming in to town for a job interview in Grand Rapids. He will be staying with me here. He said he would love to help me with the basement. I'll take him up on his offer.
It's a very odd summer day today. (Yes, it is still summer.) The temperature is 59 degress and breezy. However, the sun is out most of the time so that helps. Temperatures should be back up into the mid to upper 70's by the middle of the week.
I've been thinking a lot about Ray lately. Nothing new. I'm glad for the memories. - Jimmy
Friday, September 2, 2011
Happy Labor Day
Here it is...Labor Day weekend. My 14th Labor Day weekend at the Kirby House. I don't think Ray and I ever thought we would be here this long. My second one without Ray. Time just keeps going by, even when you just want it to stop. Every day I feel like I get further away from Ray. New memories, new friends...they all just keep coming. But, I still have all my old memories, and I never want to forget them. I'm so afraid they will fade. Fortunately I have pictures and video to keep them fresh.
Right now I am sitting in my favorite new spot...the front porch. No one else is up, so I'm drinking my Propel water and blogging. It rained a little so I can hear the splashing as the cars go by. There is a very nice breeze and I feel so comfortable here. It's nice to have the solitude. Soon I will have LOTS of solitude. Lots of solitude and no money! It's been a busy summer, now I just hope it continues through the fall and winter or I'll have to dip into my little retirement fund. I don't want to have to do that.
Yesterday Drew had a root canal. He is in PAIN!!! We tried to go to dinner at Clearbrook last night but he just couldn't handle it so we left so he could lie down and sleep. Poor guy.
It will be nice to see the Labor Day guests. All of them are repeat and have been coming for years! Some longer than I have owned the place. (It's wierd now how comfortable I feel now when I say or type the word "I." When Ray died I kept saying "we" or "us." Now it's just normal to say "I" or "me.") So rather than it seeming like a lot of work this weekend it's more like old home week. Everyone knows the "drill" so the check-in process is so easy. It's more like catching up with friends than checking-in guests.
Well, I better get moving and get breakfast going. Happy Labor Day! - Jimmy
Right now I am sitting in my favorite new spot...the front porch. No one else is up, so I'm drinking my Propel water and blogging. It rained a little so I can hear the splashing as the cars go by. There is a very nice breeze and I feel so comfortable here. It's nice to have the solitude. Soon I will have LOTS of solitude. Lots of solitude and no money! It's been a busy summer, now I just hope it continues through the fall and winter or I'll have to dip into my little retirement fund. I don't want to have to do that.
Yesterday Drew had a root canal. He is in PAIN!!! We tried to go to dinner at Clearbrook last night but he just couldn't handle it so we left so he could lie down and sleep. Poor guy.
It will be nice to see the Labor Day guests. All of them are repeat and have been coming for years! Some longer than I have owned the place. (It's wierd now how comfortable I feel now when I say or type the word "I." When Ray died I kept saying "we" or "us." Now it's just normal to say "I" or "me.") So rather than it seeming like a lot of work this weekend it's more like old home week. Everyone knows the "drill" so the check-in process is so easy. It's more like catching up with friends than checking-in guests.
Well, I better get moving and get breakfast going. Happy Labor Day! - Jimmy
Sunday, August 28, 2011
A Wierd Question...I Know
Here it is Sunday already. Haven't bloged in four days. Partly because Friedl is borrowing my notebook computer and my old laptop won't get any signal on the front porch. That is where I usually blog these days...on the porch.
This afternoon I will go to the Allegan Antique Flea Market. It is huge. Over 400 vendors with everything from junk to fine antiques. If nothing else it is great people watching. Marguerite, Friedl, Drew and I will all go.
Yesterday Drew treated me to lunch at Red Dock. I haven't been there since 1998!! It's a bar and restaurant...outdoor Key Westy type restaurant...no indoor seating, all at picnic tables on the giant red dock (thus the name...haha). When you go there you totally feel like you're in the Caribbean. I mean it. I don't know why I haven't been there in so long, I would love to go back in time and tell all my guests to eat lunch there. The menu is mainly salads and sandwiches, but they're great. It is only open until Labor Day...shucks!
I've still been feeling good. The medication must be working well. I still miss my Ray, but the pain isn't so sharp. Will I even get over the loss? I don't think so. It will just not be so painful in the future.
I'm afraid to get too close to Drew. I don't want to get too attached and then if it doesn't work out I'll feel loss again. So I'm cautious. I've talked to him about that. I am not ready to commit to ANYTHING, "we are just dating" I keep telling him. I hope I'm not keeping him from moving on with his life. I tell him he should, that he shouldn't let me be a factor in his future, but I'm not sure if he's understanding that.
The other day I was laying in bed and my cat Wiley was with me. Wiley LOVED Ray. I mean he really LOVED Ray...he though Ray was a God. He would sit and stare at Ray in bed and when I got up to get coffee on Wiley would curl up with Ray and if I came in to ask Ray something Wiley would look at me with a look that said "are you back?!" Anyway, as I was there with Wiley this last week I wondered if cats grieve. I mean, they really don't know about death...but Wiley knows Ray is gone. Is he just sad or does he just think he is gone for a long time? As humans we understand death and it's permanent loss...I don't think animals understand that. Most animals. So...would it be better to not understand death or is it better to grieve? A wierd question...I know. - Jimmy
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| Ray and my mom, Audrey, boarding our cruise ship in 2008. |
This afternoon I will go to the Allegan Antique Flea Market. It is huge. Over 400 vendors with everything from junk to fine antiques. If nothing else it is great people watching. Marguerite, Friedl, Drew and I will all go.
Yesterday Drew treated me to lunch at Red Dock. I haven't been there since 1998!! It's a bar and restaurant...outdoor Key Westy type restaurant...no indoor seating, all at picnic tables on the giant red dock (thus the name...haha). When you go there you totally feel like you're in the Caribbean. I mean it. I don't know why I haven't been there in so long, I would love to go back in time and tell all my guests to eat lunch there. The menu is mainly salads and sandwiches, but they're great. It is only open until Labor Day...shucks!
I've still been feeling good. The medication must be working well. I still miss my Ray, but the pain isn't so sharp. Will I even get over the loss? I don't think so. It will just not be so painful in the future.
I'm afraid to get too close to Drew. I don't want to get too attached and then if it doesn't work out I'll feel loss again. So I'm cautious. I've talked to him about that. I am not ready to commit to ANYTHING, "we are just dating" I keep telling him. I hope I'm not keeping him from moving on with his life. I tell him he should, that he shouldn't let me be a factor in his future, but I'm not sure if he's understanding that.
The other day I was laying in bed and my cat Wiley was with me. Wiley LOVED Ray. I mean he really LOVED Ray...he though Ray was a God. He would sit and stare at Ray in bed and when I got up to get coffee on Wiley would curl up with Ray and if I came in to ask Ray something Wiley would look at me with a look that said "are you back?!" Anyway, as I was there with Wiley this last week I wondered if cats grieve. I mean, they really don't know about death...but Wiley knows Ray is gone. Is he just sad or does he just think he is gone for a long time? As humans we understand death and it's permanent loss...I don't think animals understand that. Most animals. So...would it be better to not understand death or is it better to grieve? A wierd question...I know. - Jimmy
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
He Is In Control - Not me
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| Ray having lunch at The Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island - September 2008 |
I've been doing a LOT of sitting on the front porch this year. It all started last year and has become progressively worse this year. When I say "worse" I just mean I do it more often. For years I NEVER sat on the porch in the afternoon. I had too much to "do." There was always something I had to get done. Now, I stop and smell the roses. I truly appreciate things more, and one of those things I really appreciate is my nice front porch. I love to read a book out here, nap, relax and watch the cars go by, talk with guests, or write in my blog.
It's so amazing how a life changing situation truly changes your life. I'm beginning to think I have a new purpose in life. I have no idea what it is yet, but I'm starting to feel like maybe I want to keep living. I would never, ever commit suicide. However, I have been thinking lately that I really don't care if I died tomorrow...or today for that matter. Again, no intentions of ending my life, just really not caring if I lived or not. Now I think I there is something in store for me. That feeling may change at the drop of a hat too. My ups and downs you know.
I've really been tempted to make a trip up to Mackinac Island this September. Ray and I did if for years. But...I don't think so. I am not ready for that yet. It's just that I miss that trip so much...it just wouldn't be the same. I want to relive things thinking it will bring me good memories, but it doesn't, it just makes me sad that Ray is not with me to share in it.
Friedl has been back in town for almost a week. She stayed here three nights since her condo was rented those nights. She might stay here this weekend too if her place gets rented. I've missed her so much. She had us over for dinner on Sunday night. It was like "old times." She has been in Vienna for two months. I'll tell you, when we are together neither of us can shut up. We talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
I've had a great summer (business-wise) now let's just hope it carries on into the fall and winter. I can't make it if those months "poop out" on me. I'm trusting God. He is in control, not me. - Jimmy
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Weenis, Roller-Coasters, and Massages
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| Drew, Marguerite, Dawn and I having a weenie roast at the fire pit. |
Last week Marguerite, Drew, Dawn (guest/friend), and I roasted hotdogs, brats, and keilbasa on the fire pit. Such a simple thing, but we had a blast. We each roasted our own food then ate on the back deck. This is a "must do again" thing this summer.
I've been much better since I've been on my increased dose of medication. My emotions are on a roller-coaster ride. It is just so wierd that I can feel great one day and then so depressed the next. I just wonder what makes that happen. So far I've been coasting along straight. Not going up and not going down. That is good.
Several years ago I was diagnosed with spinal stenosis (and three other spinal things I can't remember). When I get swelling in my neck area it pinches nerves and I get this terrible pain in my shoulder. Well, it's back. I'm sure it's because of all the bed making and shower cleaning. I get inflamation in the shoulder/neck area and the pain comes along. So, I am getting a massage on Tuesday and having him concentrate of that area. Plus I will work on some exercises I learned when going through physical therapy for this condition. I also look forward to the massage just for the sake of a massage. However, this way I can justify it as being for "medicinal purposes."
Less than two weeks until Labor Day. Unbelievable. The summer has flown by...as it always does. I'm taking reservations for my third summer without Ray. That is unbelievable to me too. - Jimmy
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Miss You Ray
OK, great night last night. Three women that Ray knew from high school (he went to Notre Dame, an all male school, and they went to Regina, an all girls' school...right next to each other) stayed here Monday and Tuesday night. I (of course) have known them for 22 years now. We went to the cemetery, looked at pictures, cried, shared stories....etc. It was great. Last night they treated me and Drew to dinner at Clearbrook.
I also had a friend of mine stay for the last several days. He used to live here with his ex-partner. They have been apart for six years and got together last night for dinner. A cordial meeting. They also went to Clearbrook. It made me feel so good to see themtogether. It felt like "old times." It was as if I was thinking..."see, you can bring the past back." I guess it was just me living a life as if I could get one more chance to sit down to dinner and talk with Ray. Catch up on what is going on. It made me feel "comfortable" to see them together like it was a familiarity. Your mind gets efffd up after the death of your spouse....so I don't know if this makes any sense.... Miss you Ray! - Jimmy
I also had a friend of mine stay for the last several days. He used to live here with his ex-partner. They have been apart for six years and got together last night for dinner. A cordial meeting. They also went to Clearbrook. It made me feel so good to see themtogether. It felt like "old times." It was as if I was thinking..."see, you can bring the past back." I guess it was just me living a life as if I could get one more chance to sit down to dinner and talk with Ray. Catch up on what is going on. It made me feel "comfortable" to see them together like it was a familiarity. Your mind gets efffd up after the death of your spouse....so I don't know if this makes any sense.... Miss you Ray! - Jimmy
Monday, August 15, 2011
Doctor Visit
I went to my six month doctor visit "check-up." He told me the results from my blood work were "great." Everything is perfect...cholesterol, kindey's, liver, etc., etc. I was so pleased with the results. I also told him about how depressed I've been feeling also. He doubled my anti-anxiety medication. I hope that works.
Today is an absolutely gorgeous summer day. I don't think there could be a better day...weather wise. I think I will actually get a chance to get in the pool today.
I've been reading "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee Duggard. She is the girl that was abducted when she was 11 and was held captive in a backyard prison for 18 years. An unbelievable story. How she can function normally in society today is amazing. I wouldn't recommend anyone read it who is faint of heart. It is an amazing story of a girl with a strong determination.
I am feeling a little better. Summer is starting to come to a close soon. - Jimmy
Today is an absolutely gorgeous summer day. I don't think there could be a better day...weather wise. I think I will actually get a chance to get in the pool today.
I've been reading "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee Duggard. She is the girl that was abducted when she was 11 and was held captive in a backyard prison for 18 years. An unbelievable story. How she can function normally in society today is amazing. I wouldn't recommend anyone read it who is faint of heart. It is an amazing story of a girl with a strong determination.
I am feeling a little better. Summer is starting to come to a close soon. - Jimmy
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Chocolate Peanutbutter
Here it is, August 9th. I am so excited about some new things I will be doing here at the Kirby House. One is an "off-season" event that will be in January and February...for repeat guests ONLY. It should be fun. More of that later.
Today was a good day. Took a walk. Got some Kilwin's ice-cream...chocolate/peanutbutter. -Jimmy
Today was a good day. Took a walk. Got some Kilwin's ice-cream...chocolate/peanutbutter. -Jimmy
Monday, August 8, 2011
Miss You Ray
One last blog for the day. Ray's funeral was one year and seven months ago today. Miss you Ray! - Jimmy
Cherish The Moment
You know how Wednesday in called "hump day." Well, this last week was "summer hump week." It looks like the weekdays will be easier on me now. Trust me, I love the full house. I need it to try and get through winter, but it takes a toll on me. So...although I still have rooms everyday, there are some days where there are not so many people that I can catch up on things.
My emotions are kind of numb right now. No feelings one way or the other really. Just chugging along day after day. There is not a moment that I don't think of Ray though. It's wierd. I don't understand how I can have two things on my mind at once, but I do. Don't take people in your life for granted. Love them and cherish the moment. - Jimmy
My emotions are kind of numb right now. No feelings one way or the other really. Just chugging along day after day. There is not a moment that I don't think of Ray though. It's wierd. I don't understand how I can have two things on my mind at once, but I do. Don't take people in your life for granted. Love them and cherish the moment. - Jimmy
Friday, August 5, 2011
I'm Just Sayin'
Friday already. The last two weeks have been the busiest two weeks I've had in two years. Other than a room vacant here and there, I have been full every night. I was so exhausted last night when I went to bed that I woke still exhausted. This morning, after breakfast was served, I had chills and Drew said I looked pale. I vowed that other than anything else that I "HAVE" to do today, I'm doing nothing. Like that's gonna happen. Laundry is piled high, plants need watering, breakfast items need to be made, cookies baked, check-ins to do, rooms to clean, answer the phone, etc. But other than that.....
Had wonderful repeat guests this week...Gary, Michelle, Johnny, Julie, David, Tracy, Brent and Cathy. The group from Detroit. Well, we all just had way too many laughs. The last I knew Michelle's cheeks still hurt from laughing. Too much fun....I'm just sayin'.
It was four years ago today that we went to my brother's funeral in Detroit. It makes me feel so bad, because little did I know how soon after Ray would die. Less than 2 1/2 years later. I can remember the day of the funeral like it was yesterday.
It's mid-summer and it is HOT! I was doing some work on the pool motor two days ago and I think I got close to heat stroke. Boy, it hits you fast.
I'm feeling good emotionally. Looking forward to my first "day off" since May in about six weeks. - Jimmy
Had wonderful repeat guests this week...Gary, Michelle, Johnny, Julie, David, Tracy, Brent and Cathy. The group from Detroit. Well, we all just had way too many laughs. The last I knew Michelle's cheeks still hurt from laughing. Too much fun....I'm just sayin'.
It was four years ago today that we went to my brother's funeral in Detroit. It makes me feel so bad, because little did I know how soon after Ray would die. Less than 2 1/2 years later. I can remember the day of the funeral like it was yesterday.
It's mid-summer and it is HOT! I was doing some work on the pool motor two days ago and I think I got close to heat stroke. Boy, it hits you fast.
I'm feeling good emotionally. Looking forward to my first "day off" since May in about six weeks. - Jimmy
Monday, August 1, 2011
Quite Mundane
I have no other excuse than "I am busy." So, here it is today...Monday, August 1st. I ended my July having had the best July (occupancy wise) since 2004. Much, much better than last year. Out of 248 possible rooms to sell in July I sold 195. Last year I did 127. Needless to say, that is a lot of food, towels, room cleaning, etc.
The other night I had a dream about Ray. I was in some type of park setting. I saw Ray and walked up to him. I was gonna say "I haven't seen you since you were in your casket" but I thought that would sound tacky. So I said..."I haven't seen you since your funeral." Then, I hugged him. I still can't believe how much I miss him. Actually, I guess I can believe how much I miss him.
Yesterday I went to the Allegan Antique Flea Market with Drew. He found this fabulous piece of furniture. It's a hutch/cabinet circa 1890. Perfect for the house. Quarter-sawn oak, very detailed woodwork. It was only $95. I kept saying "I have no place for it." Then the guy said "I'll go $75." Well, I figured I'll find someplace for it. You can't get anything like that at Big Lots for $75!! So, I bought it and found a place for it in the dining room.
I sit here and type in my blog with not much to comment on about my "feelings." I guess every day I get a little more normal. I had so many strong emotions and feelings in the beginning of this journey, now my days are quite mundane. - Jimmy
The other night I had a dream about Ray. I was in some type of park setting. I saw Ray and walked up to him. I was gonna say "I haven't seen you since you were in your casket" but I thought that would sound tacky. So I said..."I haven't seen you since your funeral." Then, I hugged him. I still can't believe how much I miss him. Actually, I guess I can believe how much I miss him.
Yesterday I went to the Allegan Antique Flea Market with Drew. He found this fabulous piece of furniture. It's a hutch/cabinet circa 1890. Perfect for the house. Quarter-sawn oak, very detailed woodwork. It was only $95. I kept saying "I have no place for it." Then the guy said "I'll go $75." Well, I figured I'll find someplace for it. You can't get anything like that at Big Lots for $75!! So, I bought it and found a place for it in the dining room.
I sit here and type in my blog with not much to comment on about my "feelings." I guess every day I get a little more normal. I had so many strong emotions and feelings in the beginning of this journey, now my days are quite mundane. - Jimmy
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I Just Don't Know If I Can
OK, so I was so tired yesterday I decided I needed a "nap." I put that in quotes because that is truly impossible to do during the summer. The minute you lay your head down the phone rings, the doorbell rings or something happens that requires you to get up. And, even if nothing happens you lay there just waiting for something to happen. In previous years I could just tell Ray "I'm gonna go upstairs and lay down for about an hour." He could take care of everything so I could do that. Or he would do the same with me.
So, I decide to take a "nap." I was waiting for one last check-in so I didn't want to be far. So, I decide to push the wicker table on the front porch over a couple feet and lay right there on the front porch...along with a nice big porch pillow. It felt just wonderful to lay there, off my feet with my eyes closed. I never did actually fall asleep, but the stillness felt wonderful and just having my eyes closed felt soooo good. And I was able to hear if a car approached so I could get up and not look like I fell over drunk. When the last check-in arrived I got up to look appropriate and Marguerite said I looked EXHAUSTED. But the nap did refreshen me a little.
I slept good last night and was able to wait until 9:00 a.m. before I had to get downstairs for breakfast. We only had six for breakfast (some left early) so I knew Marguerite could handle it. The 9:00 hour gave me plenty of time to get my stuff done. We had a ham and cheese frittata, potato pancakes and a strawberry french toast bread pudding.
Guests from Germany checked-in today. A nice family from Cologne. They had been in Chicago before coming here.
I got my walk in. Now I just need to do some more laundry. I just don't know if I can. - Jimmy
So, I decide to take a "nap." I was waiting for one last check-in so I didn't want to be far. So, I decide to push the wicker table on the front porch over a couple feet and lay right there on the front porch...along with a nice big porch pillow. It felt just wonderful to lay there, off my feet with my eyes closed. I never did actually fall asleep, but the stillness felt wonderful and just having my eyes closed felt soooo good. And I was able to hear if a car approached so I could get up and not look like I fell over drunk. When the last check-in arrived I got up to look appropriate and Marguerite said I looked EXHAUSTED. But the nap did refreshen me a little.
I slept good last night and was able to wait until 9:00 a.m. before I had to get downstairs for breakfast. We only had six for breakfast (some left early) so I knew Marguerite could handle it. The 9:00 hour gave me plenty of time to get my stuff done. We had a ham and cheese frittata, potato pancakes and a strawberry french toast bread pudding.
Guests from Germany checked-in today. A nice family from Cologne. They had been in Chicago before coming here.
I got my walk in. Now I just need to do some more laundry. I just don't know if I can. - Jimmy
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I'm Pooped
Wow, it's been a while since I have blogged. Super busy here. I'm up 62 rooms this year compared to last. That's equal to 124 more people! That's a lot of towels, coffee, breakfast, and bed making.
Yesterday Marguerite went on an interview and finally got a full-time permanent job. She will be working as a baker at Crane's. Crane's is a big apple and peach orchard as well as a restaurant and cider mill. I'm so happy things finally worked out for her in the job search. And, it's only about a 10 minute drive from here.
Emotionally I've been doing well. I have my moments. I miss Ray and wish he was here. Sometimes I still can't believe or comprehend that he is dead. I think it's just something the brain won't accept...or at least not for a long time.
I just got a "sleepy spell." After the busy morning with breakfast, rooms, laundry and an hour walk I finally sit down and now realize how pooped I am. I don't even think I can type anymore. - Jimmy
Yesterday Marguerite went on an interview and finally got a full-time permanent job. She will be working as a baker at Crane's. Crane's is a big apple and peach orchard as well as a restaurant and cider mill. I'm so happy things finally worked out for her in the job search. And, it's only about a 10 minute drive from here.
Emotionally I've been doing well. I have my moments. I miss Ray and wish he was here. Sometimes I still can't believe or comprehend that he is dead. I think it's just something the brain won't accept...or at least not for a long time.
I just got a "sleepy spell." After the busy morning with breakfast, rooms, laundry and an hour walk I finally sit down and now realize how pooped I am. I don't even think I can type anymore. - Jimmy
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I'm Surviving
Here it is Sunday. I've got 18 for breakfast today!!!! Thank God Marguerite is here to get things going. I think I'll run downstairs, throw my two (already prepared) items in the oven and then come back up and take a shower. A big day ahead of checking people out and cleaning rooms. Then....checking people back in.
I've been taking my daily walks now on a regular basis. Drew has been joining me on these walks. It's good for me. I need the exercise and I need the escape from the B&B.
I am doing good emotionally right now. I guess the medication and being busy helps. I haven't even been to the cemetery in about a week and a half. Maybe I will try to go today. A friend of Ray's (that worked with him at Tribute) is checking in today. He hasn't been here since Ray's funeral. Maybe he will want to go to the cemetery with me.
I'm surviving. - Jimmy
I've been taking my daily walks now on a regular basis. Drew has been joining me on these walks. It's good for me. I need the exercise and I need the escape from the B&B.
I am doing good emotionally right now. I guess the medication and being busy helps. I haven't even been to the cemetery in about a week and a half. Maybe I will try to go today. A friend of Ray's (that worked with him at Tribute) is checking in today. He hasn't been here since Ray's funeral. Maybe he will want to go to the cemetery with me.
I'm surviving. - Jimmy
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The Next Task At Hand
My medication has fully kicked it. I feel so much better. It's a shame I have to still depend on it, but thank God that he has provided the ability to give man the knowledge to develop such things. God is still working miracles today through giving scientists and doctors knowledge and abilities.
Last night four guests, Drew and I went to Clearbrook for dinner. An absolutely stunning view out back as we ate our dinner. While we were all chatting Drew made a comment and I quickly replied "Ray, you always...." and then abruptly stopped. That is the FIRST time I have EVER done that. I think I was just in such a comfortable situation that I let my guard down and must have felt my "normal OLD self." I'm sure there are many ways I could analyze this, and it is now that I wish I had my grief counselor to talk with about this. Maybe it's just another step forward.
I've been keeping busy. Lately that has been my main blog entries. At the same time I have been taking time to sit back and enjoy the moment. After cleaning rooms I take some time to sit on the front porch, take a break and relax. I've been going for daily walks, Drew has been joining me. I've even been able to sit by the pool for an hour or so here and there. These short breaks are needed so that I can rejuvenate myself and move on to the next task at hand. - Jimmy
Last night four guests, Drew and I went to Clearbrook for dinner. An absolutely stunning view out back as we ate our dinner. While we were all chatting Drew made a comment and I quickly replied "Ray, you always...." and then abruptly stopped. That is the FIRST time I have EVER done that. I think I was just in such a comfortable situation that I let my guard down and must have felt my "normal OLD self." I'm sure there are many ways I could analyze this, and it is now that I wish I had my grief counselor to talk with about this. Maybe it's just another step forward.
I've been keeping busy. Lately that has been my main blog entries. At the same time I have been taking time to sit back and enjoy the moment. After cleaning rooms I take some time to sit on the front porch, take a break and relax. I've been going for daily walks, Drew has been joining me. I've even been able to sit by the pool for an hour or so here and there. These short breaks are needed so that I can rejuvenate myself and move on to the next task at hand. - Jimmy
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Being Busy Helps
Time goes by. Every day I tell myself that I am going to post a new blog. However, this last week has been so busy at the Inn. Seventeen people at breakfast several days. I was so exhausted the other day that I almost fell asleep at dinner. I felt terrible about it, but I was just so exhausted.
My mom and two nieces (Lauren and Julia) were here last week for three days. They had wonderful weather. I took them to a farm about 20 minutes away. There is a pottery studio and gallery there. We made pottery. We actually used clay and the potter's wheel to make bowls, vases, etc. They had a great time. Well, I did too. There were all kinds of funky looking chickens, turkeys, ducks, llama, horses, cows, etc. What an experience for two city girls from Detroit.
I called my doctor and he put me back on my anti-depressant medication. It is starting to kick in. Yesterday I wasn't quite in the "funk" that I have been in the last two to three weeks. It's hard to move on but I guess I still need the medication for a while.
I've lost 14 pounds in the last two months. Mostly from all the work around the B&B, plus Drew and I have been walking 30-45 minutes a day and I've cut out a lot of the crap foods I was eating. I would like to lose another 10-15 pounds. That seems totally possible now that I am 1/2 way there. My doctor will be proud of me, that last time I was there he was quite disappointed.
Ray and I would always take a post-labor day trip to Macinac Island. I did not do that last year. I had intentions of going this year, however this morning I am thinking that I can't do that. Still too soon. I don't want to push my emotions. I'm not ready. So, I will have to think of something alternate. Somewhere NEW. Any ideas?
Well, gotta run. Breakfast won't make itself. I'm doing good, being busy helps. - Jimmy
My mom and two nieces (Lauren and Julia) were here last week for three days. They had wonderful weather. I took them to a farm about 20 minutes away. There is a pottery studio and gallery there. We made pottery. We actually used clay and the potter's wheel to make bowls, vases, etc. They had a great time. Well, I did too. There were all kinds of funky looking chickens, turkeys, ducks, llama, horses, cows, etc. What an experience for two city girls from Detroit.
I called my doctor and he put me back on my anti-depressant medication. It is starting to kick in. Yesterday I wasn't quite in the "funk" that I have been in the last two to three weeks. It's hard to move on but I guess I still need the medication for a while.
I've lost 14 pounds in the last two months. Mostly from all the work around the B&B, plus Drew and I have been walking 30-45 minutes a day and I've cut out a lot of the crap foods I was eating. I would like to lose another 10-15 pounds. That seems totally possible now that I am 1/2 way there. My doctor will be proud of me, that last time I was there he was quite disappointed.
Ray and I would always take a post-labor day trip to Macinac Island. I did not do that last year. I had intentions of going this year, however this morning I am thinking that I can't do that. Still too soon. I don't want to push my emotions. I'm not ready. So, I will have to think of something alternate. Somewhere NEW. Any ideas?
Well, gotta run. Breakfast won't make itself. I'm doing good, being busy helps. - Jimmy
Friday, July 8, 2011
Circumstances
Being busy means my mind is occupied and I'm taking in some money to pay the bills. At the end of the day, when I can sit and think, that is when I start to have my problems. I start to get anxious. I start to think about Ray and the terrible night I found him dead. The scene plays over and over in my head. The other day I was at the pool (finally after a long day). It was about 5:00 p.m. There were a ton of guests/friends enjoying the water, the sun, the music...they were laughing, making dinner plans and enjoying their vacation. I started to think about how those were moments Ray and I would talk about how nice it was that we were able to help create that atmosphere and help make people happy. I went into the house and into a bathroom and let it out. I cried. I needed the release. I needed to let it out so that it didn't build up and get worse. A couple people reminded me that I have been off my anti-anxiety medication for a month now and I should call my doctor to get back on it. I just felt that at some point I have to live without it so why not start now. I gave in though. I called my doctor and am now back on the medication. Maybe it will help.
Another friend called me and said I needed to go back for a counseling session or two. However, my grief counselor is no longer at Holland Hospice. I don't know how I could meet with someone that hasn't been through that entire year with me, knowing everything I was going through. How do you start from scratch? Then, a minister from a local church called me to see how I was doing. He has been in touch with me (checking up on me) ever since Ray died. He was the answer. I told him that I would get in touch with him in a couple days. I wanted to talk.
It's so difficult to move on. I'm doing "ok." Drew and I are doing fine. When I said in an earlier post that "dating sucks" I am just expressing my thoughts about how I wish my life was like it was two years ago. There is nothing bad about my dating Drew. I just wish these weren't the circumstances. - Jimmy
Another friend called me and said I needed to go back for a counseling session or two. However, my grief counselor is no longer at Holland Hospice. I don't know how I could meet with someone that hasn't been through that entire year with me, knowing everything I was going through. How do you start from scratch? Then, a minister from a local church called me to see how I was doing. He has been in touch with me (checking up on me) ever since Ray died. He was the answer. I told him that I would get in touch with him in a couple days. I wanted to talk.
It's so difficult to move on. I'm doing "ok." Drew and I are doing fine. When I said in an earlier post that "dating sucks" I am just expressing my thoughts about how I wish my life was like it was two years ago. There is nothing bad about my dating Drew. I just wish these weren't the circumstances. - Jimmy
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I Am Tired
Busy. That is my excuse. I have been so busy. This is good. It keeps my mind occupied and my bills paid.
I guess my last few blogs have been a bit deep. I have had three close friends (including my mother) concerned about me. I have taken care of this issue and will talk about it more tomorrow....I am tired. Very tired. - Jimmy
I guess my last few blogs have been a bit deep. I have had three close friends (including my mother) concerned about me. I have taken care of this issue and will talk about it more tomorrow....I am tired. Very tired. - Jimmy
Saturday, July 2, 2011
It Sucks
Some days I hate my new life. I've always been open to change. But I am not open right now. Generally I am happy at my daily routine, but life as it is right now...I just wish it wasn't so.
Dating sucks. Moving on sucks. Running the business on my own decisions sucks. But I have no choice. So I move on. I move on with the decisions I have made...knowing how much other things suck. - Jimmy
Dating sucks. Moving on sucks. Running the business on my own decisions sucks. But I have no choice. So I move on. I move on with the decisions I have made...knowing how much other things suck. - Jimmy
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
We Will Be Busy
What a day! Work, work, work. It was non-stop. Kitchen is finished being painted...well a small spot not painted but covered by cabinets...I'll get to that later, the guests won't notice. (Unless they read this.)
Working non-stop helps keep the mind occupied. When I stop at the end of the day I start to think...and I hate that.
My mom and my two nieces are coming here from Detroit next Tuesday. I can't wait! I am so excited to show them a good time. I like to have the girls experience something totally different from what they are used to in Detroit.
I've got a full house this weekend....we will be busy! - Jimmy
Working non-stop helps keep the mind occupied. When I stop at the end of the day I start to think...and I hate that.
My mom and my two nieces are coming here from Detroit next Tuesday. I can't wait! I am so excited to show them a good time. I like to have the girls experience something totally different from what they are used to in Detroit.
I've got a full house this weekend....we will be busy! - Jimmy
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Soooooo Bad!
Something has gone wrong with my internet. I don't know if it's the modem, router or what. I spend most of the day trying to figure it out.
I miss Ray sooo much. I wnt to Marguerite's condo tonight with Drew for dinner. It was so great. Wonderful food. I saw pictures of Ray and heard music that made me so sentimental. I wish my life was like it was two years ago...soooo bad...... - Jimmy
I miss Ray sooo much. I wnt to Marguerite's condo tonight with Drew for dinner. It was so great. Wonderful food. I saw pictures of Ray and heard music that made me so sentimental. I wish my life was like it was two years ago...soooo bad...... - Jimmy
Sunday, June 26, 2011
I've Accepted It
I got my haircut from Kelly on Thursday. I guess God must have known I was ready for it. I handled it well (emotionally). Kelly understood why it was so hard for me to go to her for my haircut. It felt right though. I'm making progress. A year ago I would never have been able to do that.
Last night I had a dream. I had a dream that Ray and I bought a new house. Well....we were about to sign the purchase agreement. There were many other details in the dream which don't really have any reason to be written about in the blog. However, Ray was not actually in my dream. He was just "part" of the dream, as it was him and I who were buying this home. Interesting.
I feel good this morning. The sun is out. My cats are here with me. Drew is here. Life moves on. As much as I wanted it to STOP over the last year and a half...it won't. You have to keep going on with it. It takes a long time to accept that. I've accepted it, but I'm not happy about it. - Jimmy
Last night I had a dream. I had a dream that Ray and I bought a new house. Well....we were about to sign the purchase agreement. There were many other details in the dream which don't really have any reason to be written about in the blog. However, Ray was not actually in my dream. He was just "part" of the dream, as it was him and I who were buying this home. Interesting.
I feel good this morning. The sun is out. My cats are here with me. Drew is here. Life moves on. As much as I wanted it to STOP over the last year and a half...it won't. You have to keep going on with it. It takes a long time to accept that. I've accepted it, but I'm not happy about it. - Jimmy
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Happy With An Asterisk
Tears. That is how I wake this morning. I am missing Ray so much. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, the pain is not so great now, I just really, really miss him. Today, the pain is there.
I was thinking of getting a haircut today. I have been going to a "new" person since Ray died. Ray and I went to the same girl for years. The last time she cut our hair was two days before his surgery. I was thinking of going to her today or tomorrow but everytime I think about it I shake inside and start to cry. The last time I walked up the stairs to her salon Ray was alive. As I left he was coming in for his haircut and I was leaving to go sub for kindergarden in Holland. It was December 9th. It was a terribly snowy day. I drove the Cadillac to school and it was almost out of gas. I stopped to get gas and the gas cap door was frozen shut. Fortunately I made it to and from school without running out of gas. That was the night Ray's brother and sister-in-law (Scott and Mary Ellen) came in. It was also the day I started this blog. Needless to say, I have some trepidation about going in to get a haircut from her. Maybe it's the next step I need to do. I can't guarantee that I won't cry if I do go. If she has no appointments available, then I will know it's God's way of saying I'm not ready to take this step. Who knew that getting a haircut would be such a traumatic experience for someone.
Another step. Yesterday Marguerite, Drew and I got the third floor rooms complete for "selling." I met with my financial consultant in January and he told me that I had to sell those rooms if I wanted to try to survive this economy. I need the revenue. I would say "income" but I don't really make any income, at least not these days. I am surviving. Anyway, Marguerite got an apartment about a mile from me and I wanted to get the rooms available by June 1st, so I told Marguerite that I needed them available by May 1st so I could have a month to get them ready. I had the house booked for June 22 and 23, so I HAD to get them ready by then. I finally got the new bed, new mattress, lamps, etc., and the rooms are done. It was a lot of work. We did it though. Another step. With only having the six rooms to sell last year, it will be a lot busier with eight rooms booked. Sixteen (plus) people now at breakfast again.
On Tuesday I got the air-conditioners put in the apartment. I have an air-conditioner for the main rooms (kitchen and living room) and an air-conditioner for the bedroom. Last year I didn't put the air-conditioner in for the main rooms. It was so "friggin" hot and humid in there. However, I didn't spend much time in those spaces, only in the bedroom. It is nice to have the cool air in all the rooms this years. Another step...living a normal life.
I move on. But I move on with a lot of little steps and a hole that is still in my heart. I can say that I am happy, but happy with an asterisk. - Jimmy
I was thinking of getting a haircut today. I have been going to a "new" person since Ray died. Ray and I went to the same girl for years. The last time she cut our hair was two days before his surgery. I was thinking of going to her today or tomorrow but everytime I think about it I shake inside and start to cry. The last time I walked up the stairs to her salon Ray was alive. As I left he was coming in for his haircut and I was leaving to go sub for kindergarden in Holland. It was December 9th. It was a terribly snowy day. I drove the Cadillac to school and it was almost out of gas. I stopped to get gas and the gas cap door was frozen shut. Fortunately I made it to and from school without running out of gas. That was the night Ray's brother and sister-in-law (Scott and Mary Ellen) came in. It was also the day I started this blog. Needless to say, I have some trepidation about going in to get a haircut from her. Maybe it's the next step I need to do. I can't guarantee that I won't cry if I do go. If she has no appointments available, then I will know it's God's way of saying I'm not ready to take this step. Who knew that getting a haircut would be such a traumatic experience for someone.
Another step. Yesterday Marguerite, Drew and I got the third floor rooms complete for "selling." I met with my financial consultant in January and he told me that I had to sell those rooms if I wanted to try to survive this economy. I need the revenue. I would say "income" but I don't really make any income, at least not these days. I am surviving. Anyway, Marguerite got an apartment about a mile from me and I wanted to get the rooms available by June 1st, so I told Marguerite that I needed them available by May 1st so I could have a month to get them ready. I had the house booked for June 22 and 23, so I HAD to get them ready by then. I finally got the new bed, new mattress, lamps, etc., and the rooms are done. It was a lot of work. We did it though. Another step. With only having the six rooms to sell last year, it will be a lot busier with eight rooms booked. Sixteen (plus) people now at breakfast again.
On Tuesday I got the air-conditioners put in the apartment. I have an air-conditioner for the main rooms (kitchen and living room) and an air-conditioner for the bedroom. Last year I didn't put the air-conditioner in for the main rooms. It was so "friggin" hot and humid in there. However, I didn't spend much time in those spaces, only in the bedroom. It is nice to have the cool air in all the rooms this years. Another step...living a normal life.
I move on. But I move on with a lot of little steps and a hole that is still in my heart. I can say that I am happy, but happy with an asterisk. - Jimmy
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Ups and Downs
We all had a great time at the race Sunday. Surprisingly, there was NO traffic to/and from the race. Jeff Gordon came in 17th. Denny Hamlin won. I never saw my sister-in-law, Pam, so excited in her life. She screamed and yelled with a big smile the entire race.
I picked up Drew and Karlene at the train station last night. Marguerite joined me. I dropped Karlene off at her nephew's apartment in Holland and Drew and I came back to the house. Drew is spending a few months here. It will be good for him to get into a daily routine. He is going through some personal things and his good friend Karlene and I thought it would be good for him to get into a daily routine and schedule. It will help occupy his mind.
I have a full house (all EIGHT) rooms on Wednesday and Thursday. So, I have to get the two third floor rooms complete by tomorrow. So, today I am going to get what I need to do that (a new mattress, bedding, etc.).
I feel good today. Actually, I've felt really good the last couple days...ups and downs. - Jimmy
I picked up Drew and Karlene at the train station last night. Marguerite joined me. I dropped Karlene off at her nephew's apartment in Holland and Drew and I came back to the house. Drew is spending a few months here. It will be good for him to get into a daily routine. He is going through some personal things and his good friend Karlene and I thought it would be good for him to get into a daily routine and schedule. It will help occupy his mind.
I have a full house (all EIGHT) rooms on Wednesday and Thursday. So, I have to get the two third floor rooms complete by tomorrow. So, today I am going to get what I need to do that (a new mattress, bedding, etc.).
I feel good today. Actually, I've felt really good the last couple days...ups and downs. - Jimmy
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I Learned From Him
Whew...I've been busy for the last few days. Working until 9:00 at night now is not uncommon. It is so wierd. In the winter I am practically in bed by 9:00. In the summer it isn't dark until 10:30. I printed up brochures for my winter events. I need to really "push" those as they help get me through the winter...financially.
I went for a walk yesterday. I was listening to my iPod as I walked. I listened to songs that reminded me of Ray so much. I got very sentimental. I had tears in my eyes. There were a couple times that my emotions ran through my body so strong I literally thought I was going to pass out. I get that feeling a lot. It is so strong my body almost loses all control and I think I am going to fall over. Sometimes I wish I would. I wish I would just drop.
I am so excited about going to the NASCAR race tomorrow. THANK YOU Marguerite and Shannon (for taking care of breakfast for me)!!! Yesterday I made potato salad and fried chicken legs. Got all my gear ready...seat cushions, cooler, food, chairs for tail-gating, race headphones, etc. My friend Kelly is going with us. I asked Tony but he replied "no" immediately when I asked if he wanted to go. It will be sooo fun. Four of us in my truck heading to the race. I will be a total red-neck tomorrow. Especially with my truck!! Well, my truck is actually way too nice to be red-neck, but I'll make all the red-neck's jealous with my beautiful truck! I degress....
I got my lawn cut last night. It looks so great. I've been keeping it treated just like Ray would. I didn't realize how much I really learned from Ray. So much of my cooking skills are from watching him. Taking care of the lawn I learned from him. And, truly enjoying life I learned from him. I leared a great deal of quality life styles from Ray. I miss him. I miss him so much. - Jimmy
I went for a walk yesterday. I was listening to my iPod as I walked. I listened to songs that reminded me of Ray so much. I got very sentimental. I had tears in my eyes. There were a couple times that my emotions ran through my body so strong I literally thought I was going to pass out. I get that feeling a lot. It is so strong my body almost loses all control and I think I am going to fall over. Sometimes I wish I would. I wish I would just drop.
I am so excited about going to the NASCAR race tomorrow. THANK YOU Marguerite and Shannon (for taking care of breakfast for me)!!! Yesterday I made potato salad and fried chicken legs. Got all my gear ready...seat cushions, cooler, food, chairs for tail-gating, race headphones, etc. My friend Kelly is going with us. I asked Tony but he replied "no" immediately when I asked if he wanted to go. It will be sooo fun. Four of us in my truck heading to the race. I will be a total red-neck tomorrow. Especially with my truck!! Well, my truck is actually way too nice to be red-neck, but I'll make all the red-neck's jealous with my beautiful truck! I degress....
I got my lawn cut last night. It looks so great. I've been keeping it treated just like Ray would. I didn't realize how much I really learned from Ray. So much of my cooking skills are from watching him. Taking care of the lawn I learned from him. And, truly enjoying life I learned from him. I leared a great deal of quality life styles from Ray. I miss him. I miss him so much. - Jimmy
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Enjoy It!
I had a good week so far. Went to the outlet mall in Michigan City yesterday with Marguerite. Today my brother and sister-in-law (Rich and Pam) checked in. It's so great to see family.
Cleaning goes on. Today I conquered my "office." It is a coat closet under the main stairs. Other's call it "Harry Potter's bedroom." I tossed and tossed and tossed stuff. This year is my year of purging! I am ready to get rid of "crap" and live in less clutter.
My sister-in-law follows Jeff Gordon's twitters. Every week she twitters back to try to win tickets to a NASCAR race. Today she WON!!! She won five tickets to the Michigan race! I am going!!! YEAH!!! Marguerite and her daughter, Shannon, will take care of breakfast Sunday so I can go! I am so excited. I am taking advantage of the opportunities that come to my life now. When I see an opportunity I try to go for it. Life is so short. Enjoy it. Enjoy it. - Jimmy
Cleaning goes on. Today I conquered my "office." It is a coat closet under the main stairs. Other's call it "Harry Potter's bedroom." I tossed and tossed and tossed stuff. This year is my year of purging! I am ready to get rid of "crap" and live in less clutter.
My sister-in-law follows Jeff Gordon's twitters. Every week she twitters back to try to win tickets to a NASCAR race. Today she WON!!! She won five tickets to the Michigan race! I am going!!! YEAH!!! Marguerite and her daughter, Shannon, will take care of breakfast Sunday so I can go! I am so excited. I am taking advantage of the opportunities that come to my life now. When I see an opportunity I try to go for it. Life is so short. Enjoy it. Enjoy it. - Jimmy
Monday, June 13, 2011
Enjoying the Day
I miss Ray. Yes, I know...what is new? I'm blogging about this today because I realized that the feelings and emotions that go with this are different than they were a year ago. A year ago I suffered the absolute pain of his loss. I grieved deep in my heart when I thought about him. I was so sad. I hurt in my heart. Today I miss him like one would if their spouse was gone for a long, long, long time. The hurt isn't as bad, but I miss his presence and tear up at times. There isn't such strong pain and suffering in my heart and soul. My grief counselor advised me of these steps, however I didn't truly believe her at the time. I always thought "that won't be me!"
I have a card Ray gave to me on December 28, 2009. I have only shared it with Marguerite. I thought I would share his sentiments here since I am thinking about him (as always) and am missing him so much right now.
Front of the envelope: "My James"
Inside the card: "Honey, Thank you for all your kind, warm and caring ways. There is no way I could make it without you You are truly my brightest star - the stronger side of me. When I get better 'and I will' I will truly make all this hard work and sacrifice up to you. I love you. Ray"
It was the last card (or note) I ever received from him. I told him he was not a burden. He thought so. My care for him is what ANYBODY would do for someone who they truly were IN LOVE WITH. I don't know if I could ever have that deep love for someone again. I can truly say that when I first saw Ray it was love at first sight. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would even talk to him, let alone be with him for 21 years! NEVER! But I persisted. I would walk (or drive) by his house everyday until eventually he must have thought I was a stalker and we said "hi." From there our relationship grew.
Yesterday was a big day! After cleaning rooms Marguerite and I went out to the "shed" next to the house and did a big purging. We threw out probably 90% of what was in there. Tons of stuff Ray would not throw out. Old stuff from his dad (not good tools or anything, but old rusted stuff, old pots, etc.). The dumpster is full. I had to call to have them come and make a second pick-up this week. Then I can throw more stuff out before Friday's regular pick-up. It looks so great in there.
Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the temperature is about mid 60's - very tolerable. I'm enjoyiing the day. - Jimmy
I have a card Ray gave to me on December 28, 2009. I have only shared it with Marguerite. I thought I would share his sentiments here since I am thinking about him (as always) and am missing him so much right now.
Front of the envelope: "My James"
Inside the card: "Honey, Thank you for all your kind, warm and caring ways. There is no way I could make it without you You are truly my brightest star - the stronger side of me. When I get better 'and I will' I will truly make all this hard work and sacrifice up to you. I love you. Ray"
It was the last card (or note) I ever received from him. I told him he was not a burden. He thought so. My care for him is what ANYBODY would do for someone who they truly were IN LOVE WITH. I don't know if I could ever have that deep love for someone again. I can truly say that when I first saw Ray it was love at first sight. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would even talk to him, let alone be with him for 21 years! NEVER! But I persisted. I would walk (or drive) by his house everyday until eventually he must have thought I was a stalker and we said "hi." From there our relationship grew.
Yesterday was a big day! After cleaning rooms Marguerite and I went out to the "shed" next to the house and did a big purging. We threw out probably 90% of what was in there. Tons of stuff Ray would not throw out. Old stuff from his dad (not good tools or anything, but old rusted stuff, old pots, etc.). The dumpster is full. I had to call to have them come and make a second pick-up this week. Then I can throw more stuff out before Friday's regular pick-up. It looks so great in there.
Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the temperature is about mid 60's - very tolerable. I'm enjoyiing the day. - Jimmy
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Music, Restaurants, Dinner and Friends
Music. I've written about this before. I have a hard time listening to songs from the past. Music has always played an important role in my life. I can hear a song and tell you when it was popular and what was going on in my life at the time. So, when I hear songs from the 21 years Ray and I were together I can get very emotional. New songs don't bother me, they don't bring back any memories of Ray. Today I was in my car and listening to a song which was popular when we were living in Royal Oak. I teared up so hard. I pictured us living in Royal Oak and me coming home from the store, the sun shining and Ray working in the yard. It seemed like a simpler life. I know it wasn't. At the time we had struggles, hardships, jobs, bills, etc. But when I look back it just seems so much more simple. Today I wanted that time back. I wanted to escape to 1995 and be living in Royal Oak with everything "normal."
Restaurants. These too are challenging to me. When I've gone with Drew to restaurants that Ray and I frequented I have a difficult time. Everyday People Cafe is the worst. I do good at Clearbrook and Wild Dog. Ray and I ate there too, but not often. So there are dim memories. The new restaurants Drew and I have been going to in Grand Rapids have no sentimental meaning to me, so I can be just perfect. No hang ups I guess.
Dinner. I'm back to eating dinner alone. Drew is in Chicago, Marguerite is in Detroit and Friedl and I are taking a break. Last night I was going to make dinner for Friedl and invited Marguerite. They both ended up not wanting to eat. So, I thawed one of Ray's last Thanksgiving dinners he made in 2009. To be honest, it was horrible. It was in the freezer so long it just didn't have any great flavor. However, I enjoyed it. I ate it knowing he made this dinner with his own hands and even packged it up for the freezer with his own hands. Tonight I think I will make the ribs I bought for last night's dinner. I'll just have tons of left overs.
Friends. As I always say, I am so thankful for my friends. Yesterday I was sitting on the front porch and Tony and Kelly stopped by. They said they saw me sitting here and pulled in. How nice is that? It's nice to have such great friends who keep tabs on me. My friend Candy keeps tabs on me to see how I'm doing and keep a fire under me about writing in my blog. I've been surrounded by so many people that it seems kind of odd tonight to be home alone (except for the guests...who are not here now either). - Jimmy
Restaurants. These too are challenging to me. When I've gone with Drew to restaurants that Ray and I frequented I have a difficult time. Everyday People Cafe is the worst. I do good at Clearbrook and Wild Dog. Ray and I ate there too, but not often. So there are dim memories. The new restaurants Drew and I have been going to in Grand Rapids have no sentimental meaning to me, so I can be just perfect. No hang ups I guess.
Dinner. I'm back to eating dinner alone. Drew is in Chicago, Marguerite is in Detroit and Friedl and I are taking a break. Last night I was going to make dinner for Friedl and invited Marguerite. They both ended up not wanting to eat. So, I thawed one of Ray's last Thanksgiving dinners he made in 2009. To be honest, it was horrible. It was in the freezer so long it just didn't have any great flavor. However, I enjoyed it. I ate it knowing he made this dinner with his own hands and even packged it up for the freezer with his own hands. Tonight I think I will make the ribs I bought for last night's dinner. I'll just have tons of left overs.
Friends. As I always say, I am so thankful for my friends. Yesterday I was sitting on the front porch and Tony and Kelly stopped by. They said they saw me sitting here and pulled in. How nice is that? It's nice to have such great friends who keep tabs on me. My friend Candy keeps tabs on me to see how I'm doing and keep a fire under me about writing in my blog. I've been surrounded by so many people that it seems kind of odd tonight to be home alone (except for the guests...who are not here now either). - Jimmy
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Guess Who's Drinking the Cocktails?
A friend of mine called today and stated that I hadn't blogged in a while. The thing is, I don't forget...I just put it off. I think about it and what I will post, but put it off until "later." "Later" never comes. She said "I know you're busy this time of year." But that's not it either. I did it last year, just about EVERY day. However, I think writing the blog was way more therapeutical for me last year.
"Trust you me" (as Ray would always say) I have my moments of grief and pain. However, it is not the same as last year. I feel so much more normal now. I was looking at a picture of Ray and his sister Susie yesterday. I showed it to Marguerite. It was taken probably about a year before I met him. He was wearing a t-shirt he wore on our first outing to Greenfield Village and a pair of shorts. He was tan and had the greatest legs. Damn, they were so hot. That was ONE of the things I loved about him...those legs of his. It was from all the years of marching band. I degress....my point is that when I was looking at that picture I felt a lot of emotions well up in me. I guess I am glad Marguerite was there or I may have broken down.
After that we went to Wild Dog. I wanted to treat Marguerite out for a birthday dinner. Her birthday was June 1st but she was in Colorado at the time and just got back here Tuesday. We had a really good time last night. We had our usual appetizer of calamari.
My oven has been acting up. I will have a few things in the oven and one is hot, another is cold, and another is warm. It has had 14 years of major use. Titanic dinners, breakfasts, pastries, desserts, Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving dinners...on and on. So I finally broke down and bought a new oven at Menard's. It is stainless steel, two ovens, five burners and it is convection. Ray would have LOVED it!!! So sorry he can't use it.
Well, I'm off to dinner at Friedl's. We're going to sit on her balcony/deck and look at Lake Kalamazoo while we drink wine/cocktails. (Guess who's drining the cocktails?) - Jimmy
"Trust you me" (as Ray would always say) I have my moments of grief and pain. However, it is not the same as last year. I feel so much more normal now. I was looking at a picture of Ray and his sister Susie yesterday. I showed it to Marguerite. It was taken probably about a year before I met him. He was wearing a t-shirt he wore on our first outing to Greenfield Village and a pair of shorts. He was tan and had the greatest legs. Damn, they were so hot. That was ONE of the things I loved about him...those legs of his. It was from all the years of marching band. I degress....my point is that when I was looking at that picture I felt a lot of emotions well up in me. I guess I am glad Marguerite was there or I may have broken down.
After that we went to Wild Dog. I wanted to treat Marguerite out for a birthday dinner. Her birthday was June 1st but she was in Colorado at the time and just got back here Tuesday. We had a really good time last night. We had our usual appetizer of calamari.
My oven has been acting up. I will have a few things in the oven and one is hot, another is cold, and another is warm. It has had 14 years of major use. Titanic dinners, breakfasts, pastries, desserts, Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving dinners...on and on. So I finally broke down and bought a new oven at Menard's. It is stainless steel, two ovens, five burners and it is convection. Ray would have LOVED it!!! So sorry he can't use it.
Well, I'm off to dinner at Friedl's. We're going to sit on her balcony/deck and look at Lake Kalamazoo while we drink wine/cocktails. (Guess who's drining the cocktails?) - Jimmy
Monday, June 6, 2011
How Much More I Would Have Enjoyed Life
Today I heard someone say "if you feel pain you know you are alive." This was someone who went through a very major surgery and woke feeling pain. It's true. If you feel pain, you know you are alive.
There are many things that make you know you are alive. Smell is one of those things. The things I smell remind me most of past experiences. Most of those wonderful. A hot, humid mid-summer night...I take a deep inhale and it reminds me of summer vacations with the family when I was a child. The smell of the inside cabinets of my (built in) dining room buffet smells like the front coat closet at my grandma's house. And during the summertime, even the faint smell of a cigarette far away makes me think of being at a summer fair when I was little. There is a farm near hear that I pass when going to and from Holland. One time my mom was with me when we passed it. I proclaimed, "Yuck! That cow manure stinks!" As to which my mom replied "I love that smell, it makes me think of spending the summer at my grandpa's farm."
Touch makes you know you are alive. One of the things I have missed most with Ray's passing is the cuddling we did in bed before or after sleep. I have that now again with Drew in my life. Maybe that is one of the reasons I feel so alive again. Human touch has such a healing power.
When the woman who woke with pain stated how it made her know she was are alive she realized that the pain was better than the alternative. I've take so much for granted in my life. It's a shame I didn't have the life experiences in my 20's that I do know. How much more I would have enjoyed life. - Jimmy
There are many things that make you know you are alive. Smell is one of those things. The things I smell remind me most of past experiences. Most of those wonderful. A hot, humid mid-summer night...I take a deep inhale and it reminds me of summer vacations with the family when I was a child. The smell of the inside cabinets of my (built in) dining room buffet smells like the front coat closet at my grandma's house. And during the summertime, even the faint smell of a cigarette far away makes me think of being at a summer fair when I was little. There is a farm near hear that I pass when going to and from Holland. One time my mom was with me when we passed it. I proclaimed, "Yuck! That cow manure stinks!" As to which my mom replied "I love that smell, it makes me think of spending the summer at my grandpa's farm."
Touch makes you know you are alive. One of the things I have missed most with Ray's passing is the cuddling we did in bed before or after sleep. I have that now again with Drew in my life. Maybe that is one of the reasons I feel so alive again. Human touch has such a healing power.
When the woman who woke with pain stated how it made her know she was are alive she realized that the pain was better than the alternative. I've take so much for granted in my life. It's a shame I didn't have the life experiences in my 20's that I do know. How much more I would have enjoyed life. - Jimmy
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Six Feet Away
Today looks to be a great day. The sun is shining, the temperatures are perfect. I hope to get a little time out at the pool.
Yesterday was beautiful too. After doing breakfast and cleaning rooms, Drew and I went into Holland. A quick trip to TJ Maxx and Big Lots. When we got back we sat on the front porch for a while and Friedl came over. I went to the cemetery alone. I needed to spend some time with Ray. I laid down on the grass next to his grave, pretending I was laying next to him. I then realized that, in a way, I was. His body was was just six feet away from me. It made me feel good. I thought about how close I actually was to him. I know Ray's soul is not down there, but there was this sense of "completeness" laying there "next to him." I looked at the sky imagining this was his view.
I've always wanted to be cremated and could not understand why Ray would want to be embalmed and have a casket burial. Now I am glad those were his wishes. I love to visit him. I talk to him as if I am talking to him on the phone. I know what his replies would be, so I respond back. I look and sound crazy. But he's only six feet away. - Jimmy
Yesterday was beautiful too. After doing breakfast and cleaning rooms, Drew and I went into Holland. A quick trip to TJ Maxx and Big Lots. When we got back we sat on the front porch for a while and Friedl came over. I went to the cemetery alone. I needed to spend some time with Ray. I laid down on the grass next to his grave, pretending I was laying next to him. I then realized that, in a way, I was. His body was was just six feet away from me. It made me feel good. I thought about how close I actually was to him. I know Ray's soul is not down there, but there was this sense of "completeness" laying there "next to him." I looked at the sky imagining this was his view.
I've always wanted to be cremated and could not understand why Ray would want to be embalmed and have a casket burial. Now I am glad those were his wishes. I love to visit him. I talk to him as if I am talking to him on the phone. I know what his replies would be, so I respond back. I look and sound crazy. But he's only six feet away. - Jimmy
Thursday, June 2, 2011
My Mind is Blank
A sunny spring day today. I woke up feeling "good." Better than yesterday morning. I must say, most times I feel much better when I am away from the house. Maybe it's the "escape" that I need. Subbing yesterday was great. It is such a wonderful way to take my mind off everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. With 25 plus third and fourth graders there is nothing else you can think of. They all want your attention all the time.
I think I will state some of "my" rules the next time I sub...no one can ask to get a drink of water, go to the bathroom or sharpen their pencil except on breaks. So much time is wasted with kids asking to do those things. I'm just going to tell them I will say no, so don't even bother to ask.
I have writer's block today. My mind is "blank." - Jimmy
I think I will state some of "my" rules the next time I sub...no one can ask to get a drink of water, go to the bathroom or sharpen their pencil except on breaks. So much time is wasted with kids asking to do those things. I'm just going to tell them I will say no, so don't even bother to ask.
I have writer's block today. My mind is "blank." - Jimmy
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
A Normal Day
It's 5:30 a.m. I woke at 5:05 a.m. Can't get back to sleep. Maybe because I have to sub today. My mind it gearing up for the day. It probably will be my last sub day since schools are out for the summer on June 9th.
Yesterday I went with Friedl, Carol (a friend of Friedl's from California), and Drew to take a home tour in Grand Rapids. There is a house there that was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. We then went to lunch at a restaurant called "Electric Cheetah." A stop at Bed Bath & Beyond ended our day trip. It was a great day. It was a normal day.
- Jimmy
Yesterday I went with Friedl, Carol (a friend of Friedl's from California), and Drew to take a home tour in Grand Rapids. There is a house there that was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. We then went to lunch at a restaurant called "Electric Cheetah." A stop at Bed Bath & Beyond ended our day trip. It was a great day. It was a normal day.
- Jimmy
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Unpredictable
It's been several days since I've blogged. I've been quite busy. I had to get the house looking real good for guests this Memorial Day weekend. It is, of course, the true beginning of the season. I wanted it to look as good as possible. There were some things I just couldn't get to, but the house and gardens looked good. As did the pool.
I made a big...very big step this last week. I went through all of Ray's clothes (well, about 90% of them) and made three piles. The piles were: keep, throw out, and donate. All those clothes (except the keep pile) are gone. I had no emotions going through them. A few of the shirts I looked at, and decided to keep, I had some sentimental feelings about, but all in all I did the task with no bad emotions.
There are still moments that strong waves of emotion flow through me. I will get a thought in my head (usually about finding Ray dead or about the funeral) and it's really like a wave flows through me. It starts in my stomach and literally flows through my body right up to my head. I get dizzy. I freeze up, tears start, my heart pounds. It usually doesn't last long but I try to "feel" the moment. I want to experience the emotion. I guess that will never go away. I must say....most of my days are just "normal" again though. Those waves of emotion are very few, but they're real and they are strong. It's nice to actually feel "normal" most of the time. I remember a year ago I thought I would NEVER feel that way again. My grief counseling was a God-send.
As I've mentioned before, I am dating a guy named Drew. He is so sweet. Very kind, considerate and sincere. However, I think that the fact that I still love Ray is keeping me from getting "too close." Drew may not realize it, but I do. Sometimes I hesitate to show affection. I feel like I am cheating on Ray, especially when other people are around. I'm afraid of what they will think if I show too much affection with Drew. I've been told that no one feels that way...but I do. It's just something that I have to get over. (Don't worry Drew won't read this, he is the most "non-computer literate" person I have EVER met.) Anyway, I think I really must like him. Yesterday he (and some guests) asked if I wanted to go to "Wild Dog" (a restaurant down the street). I said I couldn't go, I had to wait for a check-in and I had too much to do. Drew asked if I wanted him to bring me anything. I replied "you're going without me?!" He paused and said "no, I'll stay here with you." I realized I didn't want to hold him back, he shouldn't have to "suffer" just because I have to run my business. So I said, "just go, I was only teasing you." I had to prod him a bit but he agreed to go. After they all left I kind of felt a little jealous. Not a bad jealousy, just jealous that he was going with a group of people without me. I realized that I might actually like him a lot!
Tomorrow I will sub for third grade. It is at the same school I taught at last week. The third grade teacher came in my room and asked if I would sub for her on June first. I agreed. I actually felt honored that a teacher would specifically ask "ME" to sub. I love to sub. It gets me out of the house. It takes me out of "my" world. It takes my mind off of things. Plus, I love to interact with the kids, joke with them, etc. Last week one girl gave me a note that said I was the best sub "ever." (RIGHT!) Then at the bottom she wrote: "P.S. You're funny." I thought that was sweet. I like making the kids laugh.
Well, that is my world right now. This is what is going on in my life. I feel happy. I am feeling content. I am feeling normal. God has been with me all the way through this. It's a journey that is so unpredictable, but I guess that is what life is...unpredictable. - Jimmy
I made a big...very big step this last week. I went through all of Ray's clothes (well, about 90% of them) and made three piles. The piles were: keep, throw out, and donate. All those clothes (except the keep pile) are gone. I had no emotions going through them. A few of the shirts I looked at, and decided to keep, I had some sentimental feelings about, but all in all I did the task with no bad emotions.
There are still moments that strong waves of emotion flow through me. I will get a thought in my head (usually about finding Ray dead or about the funeral) and it's really like a wave flows through me. It starts in my stomach and literally flows through my body right up to my head. I get dizzy. I freeze up, tears start, my heart pounds. It usually doesn't last long but I try to "feel" the moment. I want to experience the emotion. I guess that will never go away. I must say....most of my days are just "normal" again though. Those waves of emotion are very few, but they're real and they are strong. It's nice to actually feel "normal" most of the time. I remember a year ago I thought I would NEVER feel that way again. My grief counseling was a God-send.
As I've mentioned before, I am dating a guy named Drew. He is so sweet. Very kind, considerate and sincere. However, I think that the fact that I still love Ray is keeping me from getting "too close." Drew may not realize it, but I do. Sometimes I hesitate to show affection. I feel like I am cheating on Ray, especially when other people are around. I'm afraid of what they will think if I show too much affection with Drew. I've been told that no one feels that way...but I do. It's just something that I have to get over. (Don't worry Drew won't read this, he is the most "non-computer literate" person I have EVER met.) Anyway, I think I really must like him. Yesterday he (and some guests) asked if I wanted to go to "Wild Dog" (a restaurant down the street). I said I couldn't go, I had to wait for a check-in and I had too much to do. Drew asked if I wanted him to bring me anything. I replied "you're going without me?!" He paused and said "no, I'll stay here with you." I realized I didn't want to hold him back, he shouldn't have to "suffer" just because I have to run my business. So I said, "just go, I was only teasing you." I had to prod him a bit but he agreed to go. After they all left I kind of felt a little jealous. Not a bad jealousy, just jealous that he was going with a group of people without me. I realized that I might actually like him a lot!
Tomorrow I will sub for third grade. It is at the same school I taught at last week. The third grade teacher came in my room and asked if I would sub for her on June first. I agreed. I actually felt honored that a teacher would specifically ask "ME" to sub. I love to sub. It gets me out of the house. It takes me out of "my" world. It takes my mind off of things. Plus, I love to interact with the kids, joke with them, etc. Last week one girl gave me a note that said I was the best sub "ever." (RIGHT!) Then at the bottom she wrote: "P.S. You're funny." I thought that was sweet. I like making the kids laugh.
Well, that is my world right now. This is what is going on in my life. I feel happy. I am feeling content. I am feeling normal. God has been with me all the way through this. It's a journey that is so unpredictable, but I guess that is what life is...unpredictable. - Jimmy
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