Clear My Mind

I stayed home today to finish the rooms for this upcoming new year.  A full house and I didn't want to come home Wednesday and be stressed with finishing the rooms, making the soup, dessert, menu, check-ins, etc.  So I stayed home today to get rooms and laundry done.  That probably worked out for the best because my cold took a turn for the worst when I woke up this morning.  So, I've been getting things done today at a very slow pace.  I will try to leave for Detroit tomorrow and then return Wednesday.

Moscow is sleeping here between my legs all curled up as I watch Judge Judy.  She is warm and comfortable.  (Moscow that is, not Judge Judy!)  It also makes me feel better.

I am home alone.  I think that is good for me.  Some private time to gather my thoughts as I approach the year anniversary of Ray's death.  Clear my mind.   - Jimmy

A Hard Day

Wow, I've really had a hard time this morning.  I feel terrible.  My guests left early so I didn't have to do breakfast this morning...thank God.  I didn't think I would be able to pull it off because of the way I was feeling.  I feel real anxious, depressed and "unsure."  It's hard to describe.  I can only imagine it is because of dealing with this first Christmas and the upcoming anniversary of Ray's death.  January 3rd is going to be hell for me.  I must keep myself occupied and busy that day.  My grief counselor did say that I should do something that day in his honor.  If anyone has a suggestion please comment below.  I want to do something that honors him but won't make me terribly depressed.

I am planning on a visit to Detroit this week.  I want to see my mom.  I plan to leave on Monday and return on Wednesday.  It will be good for me.  - Jimmy 

Merry Christmas to All - and to All A Good Night

Well, here it is, the first Christmas without Ray in 21 years.  I did "ok" and only cried twice.  Once while sitting on the couch looking at the tree and decorations and once when I went to the cemetery.  A year ago I NEVER (in my wildest dreams) would have thought that I would be visiting Ray at the cemetery the following Christmas.  Sometimes it is just so unbelievable.  However, all in all, I have done well this season.  I was so afraid of it approaching...dreading it.  I did it though.  I got through it pretty good actually.  We'll see how I am doing in 10 days...maybe good.

Not much snow here.  I can actually see the grass.  Thank God.  Went for a walk earlier...baby it's cold outside!

Drew is here with me and he is making dinner for us.  We are having "surf and turf."  Lobster tail and New York strip steaks.  Plus he is making a creamy gyere and shrimp pasta as a SIDE dish.  It sounds like a main dish to me.  He is very sweet, kind and caring and he has been a waiter all his life.  (Does life repeat itself?) 

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all...and to all a good night! - Jimmy

Day By Day

A beautiful day here.  Sunny and dry.  But very cold.  I awoke this morning with the beginning of a cold.  Not as in "temperature" but as in "sick."  I was just bragging yesterday to Ray's brother in law Sunny that I have not been sick at all for about a year and a half.  Never got sick last winter for the first time in 42 years.  I should have kept my mouth shut.

I picked Drew up from the train station last night.  I made chili dogs for us to eat for dinner.  Today we went running some errands but it was tough for me because I have this cold starting.  However, I can relax tomorrow.  One room is checking in for three nights.

Margerite left for Detroit today.  She is attending Mary Ellen's father's funeral.  Then she'll be spending time with family for Christmas. 

Day by day.  - Jimmy

He Came Home From The Hospital

One year ago tonight Ray came home from the hospital.  We got home at about 6:15 pm.  Stopped at the drug store to pick up his medication on the way home.  I called the Saugatuck Drug Store and asked what time they closed....they said 6:00 pm.  I told them I was on my way with Ray from the hospital to pick up his medication and I would be there just a few minutes after 6:00 pm.  They waited for me and let me in to pick it up.  How great is that?  You wouldn't find that at CVS or Wallgreen's.  That night Moscow slept with him. 

I cleaned the apartment today.  I threw a bunch of old crap out.  It was very cleansing.  I now want to keep going on that.  Come January I plan to tackle the basement.  I can't wait!  I'm ready to move on.  A fresh start. 

On a sad note, Ray's sister-in-law's father died yesterday.  He had pancreatic cancer.  The funeral in on Thursday, but I won't be able to attend.  Guests are checking in Thursday and staying until Sunday.  - Jimmy

Fond and Happy Memories

Well, it is Christmas week.  Final preparations under way.  I went to Holland yesterday and forgot to stop at Barnes and Noble to pick up a book for my niece Lauren.  So, I am on my way today.  Or, I might just buy online and have it shipped to her. 

Drew is coming in tomorrow night from Chicago.  He will be spending Christmas here with me.  He plans to stay through new year's.  I am looking forward to it.

Compared to the rest of the nation we hardly have any snow here.  We are actually very lucky.  Rain and mudslides in California, 15 feet of snow (yes FEET) in the mountains of California, blizzards in the midwest and east coast.  We have just about six inches of snow...if that.  I'm thankful.

Compared to last year's "month from hell" this is such a laid back, relaxing holiday.  Last year was just pure hell.  I remember calling my mom at one point and saying I just wanted to throw out all of the Chirstmas decorations.  I was just over it.  I didn't think I would be able to ever look at the beautiful decorations the same way again.  It's amazing how the healing process goes.  I can look at them all with joy and delight.  Fond and happy memories.  - Jimmy

I Will Never Grow

Up early yet again.  I haven't changed my clock in the bedroom from daylight savings time...so I thought it was 6:40 a.m., but it was 5:40 a.m.  I thought 6:40 was an "ok" time to get up, but whew....this is too early, especially since I don't have to get get up. 

My mind whirls.  I think about EVERYTHING and it keeps me up.  So, why not just get out of bed rather than lay there miserable.  I've checked my email, facebook and subbing jobs.  There was a PE job available today, but it was in a district I'm not registered for.  I don't know why those jobs keep showing up.  I'll have to contact them and see what's up with that!

I had a great time at Friedl's last night.  Karlene and I went there for dinner and had a great time.  We looked at the coffee table book we made from our trip to Vienna.  Friedl made a wonderful chicken stir fry with rice.  And...tonight Marguerite and I go to friend's for a "cookie exchange." 

I am healing more and more every day.  I am starting to accept my new life.  I just have to move on.  I need it.  The business needs it.  My family and friends need it.  I have realized that accepting it doesn't mean I forget Ray.  I've had this guilty feeling that if I embrace and accept my new life that I am dishonoring Ray.  I'm not, it's just reality.  I will always cherish my Ray.  But, as much as I want it, I can never have him back.  I can't let myself deteriorate.  I know he would move on...and he would want me to also.  I move forward now.  Rather than standing still and looking back...I am moving ahead.  If I don't I will never grow.  - Jimmy

Mac and Cheese, Coffee Tables Books and Train Station

I watched "Glee" for the first time last night.  I don't know what took me so long...it was great!  Last night was Madonna songs then another show with Brittany Spears songs.  Someone told me they were reruns, but it was the first time for me.  I loved it.

I'm going to go into Holland this afternoon.  Need to pick up some things at Meijer and then I just might stop at TJ Maxx.  Or...maybe Target.  Not sure, I'll have to see how I feel. 

I still haven't gotten to my Christmas cards.  Maybe today. 

I have to pick a guest (Karelen) up at the train station tonight.  I'm going to stop at Friedl's first though and have a glass of wine...at about 8:00.  She is getting her hair done and wants to make sure someone sees it.  A ploy to get me to come by and visit.  Also, I am going to bring the book we made on Sunday night.  We went online and made a coffee table book from our visit to Vienna.  It is being delivered today. 

I feel pretty good today.  I'm going to make a gourmet mac and cheese for dinner.  We had this "mac and cheese" at the Green Well in Grand Rapids.  It is NOT your mothers mac and cheese.  It is amazing.  In the recipe you'll find snow peas, chicken, bacon, ham, mushrooms and tomatoes, along with bread crumbs.  - Jimmy 

...But I Don't

It is sunny outside and bitter cold.  Only in the 20s today, ten degrees lower than the normal average temperatures.  Slept well last night. 

I think I'll get going on my Christmas cards today.  I started last week, but didn't get too far.  I'm only sending out a very limited amount to family and close friends.  Last year I didn't send any out.  There was too much going on with Ray's surgery and such. 

Not a lot going on in my life right now.  I think that's good.  Actually it's great.  It's been a hectic year filled with high emotions, grief, major responsibilities, and starting a new life.  Now I feel like I am settled down...normal.  Just daily routines.  It feels wierd...I feel like there is something I "HAVE" to do, but I don't. - Jimmy

Enjoying The Peace

Cold and snowy here in Douglas, Michigan.  But I haven't left the house yet today...and I don't plan to other than to shovel the snow.  I've been reading a book, cleaning house, washing dishes, and putzing around.  Just doing what I want...as I want.

I had an awesome time last night with Friedl.  We had dinner at Clearbrook and then I dropped her off at home and stopped in for a glass of wine.  We talked and talked.  Her dog, Lipsie, and I cuddled too.  She is a greyhound...and a beautiful dog.  It was just the perfect evening.

I have been waking up the last few mornings feeling very anxious.  I don't know why...maybe it's the time of year.  I feel better after taking my medication though...thank God. 

On Wednesday there is a Business Association Social at the Lakeview Lanes Bowling Alley.  I think I may go.  It may be nice to get out and chat with my peers.  Plus, I can walk there...so here I come cash bar!

My life is quiet right now.  Not too much on my mind and not too much going on.  I am enjoying the peace.  - Jimmy

It's Not Too Late For Me

A year ago right now (5:55 pm) Ray's surgery was over.  We had to wait until he was awake to see him, that was about 8:00 pm.  I remember how great he looked and acted.  He felt no pain, because his anti-pain medication from surgery was still in "effect."  We felt so good that night.  I remember going to Phil's Bar and Grill after the hospital and downtown Saugatuck looked so good.  The lights, the horse drawn carriage rides...I was so proud for Scott and Mary Ellen to see our town...and happy that things looked so good for Ray's recovery.  Memories as vivid as a full moon on a crystal clear night.  Memories that are etched in my mind forever.  It literally feels like it could have been yesterday even though it's been a long year.  Probably because I have relived that day and the following month every single day since then.  It seems like it could have been yesterday because in my mind I lived it yet again yesterday.  It's like memorizing a song.  Once you've sang it over and over and over again...you know it word for word.

The house is quiet other than the fish tank and Christmas music (and four paws running around).  It's a solitude that I think I've needed for a while.  Being alone to reflect.  Assess how I'm doing and feeling.  I went to the cemetery tonight.  I had to...being the anniversary of Ray's surgery.  I've grown a lot over the last year.  I truly see things differently than I ever have in my life.  Life is so precious.  So strong and yet so delicate. 

Love each day.  Don't let the little things irritate you.  Relax.  Smell the roses.  Appreciate your family, health, love, friends, and laugh a lot too.  Small advice from me.  Sometimes it's too late when you learn these things...it's not too late for me.  - Jimmy

One Year Anniversary

A year ago today.  The picture was taken a year ago today right before we went to the hospital.  Ray has a smile, but it looks like a "forced" smile.  It's not his usual, natural smile.  He was afraid. 

I remember the drive to the hospital so clearly.  We went in the Mazda.  Over the next two weeks I made over two dozen trips to the hospital in that car.  I am now happy I traded that car in.  It would have been a hard time getting in that car this time of year.  Just one of those small changes I made to help me move on.

I am home alone.  Maybe that is good.  It gives me some quality time to reflect and search my soul.  Not sure what I will do today.  Maybe write out some Christmas cards, watch a movie (definitely Judge Judy), maybe I'll go to Blue Star Antique Pavilion and walk around.  Maybe I'll do some laundry or clean the apartment.  Maybe I will do NOTHING!  It's nice that I have all those options.  Tonight I'm going to Clearbrook with Friedl.  What is really ironic is that I got a haircut on Decmeber 10th last year (just like this year) and Scott, Mary Ellen and I went to Clearbrook on the Saturday after Ray's sugery last year, just like this year.  The ironic thing is that this is a coincidence.  Anyway, these are just some things I realized.

Lots of snow is on the way.  I'm glad I don't have to go anywhere.  - Jimmy

Judge Judy

The temps are above freezing today and the sun is actually out.  Feels like a late March day.  I got my haircut this morning and then went to Rivertown Crossings Mall to Christmas shop.  It was a nice relaxing afternoon.  I got home in time to watch Judge Judy. 

A year ago yesterday I started this blog.  I never expected to still be writing it a year later.  A year ago today Ray's brother and sister-in-law came to town to be here for him during his surgery.  Ray had to do his "bowel prep" so he stayed upstairs in the innkeepers' quarters to drink that crap.  Scott, Mary Ellen and I ate Mexican food.  His surgery was a year ago tomorrow.  This has been a very, very long and emotional year. 

I've got guests that will be here during Christmas and they want to know where they can go out to eat.  However, I don't know any place that will be open.  I may have to send them to Holland or Grand Rapids. 

Marguerite went to Detroit this morning.  Her daughter came in from Florida and she wanted to spend some time together.  I'm glad Marguerite has been able to spend more time with her kids and siblings over the last six months she has been in Michigan.  There are no guests at the Inn this weekend...so I am all ALONE!  I think I may just enjoy it.  I'll light a fire, get cozy and either watch a movie or watch some Friday night TV.  Going to dinner tomorrow night at Clearbrook with Friedl. 

Well, I think I'm going to head to the cemetery to visit Ray and then come back to watch the 5:00 Judge Judy.  - Jimmy

I Have to Embrace It

It's Thursday....already!  The week flies by.  I made "snowball cookies" (aka:  butterball cookies) yesterday and a Dobos Torte.  Every Christmas my grandmother would make at least a dozen Dobos Tortes.  This is an eleven layer cake, originally made in Hungary.  Hungary is close to Austria so the desert carried over to there.  My grandfather was from Austria, so that must be the source for my grandmother's inspiration.  I am going to make another one today for my mom.  Marguerite is going to Detroit on Saturday, so she said she would deliver it to my mom. 

Cold outside, and only in the 20's today.  It really is pretty outside with all the snow.  However, in two months I am sure I will be writing about how sick and tired I am of it.  However, I have a wonderful 10 day cruise in March/April that I can look forward to. 

I feel great today.  I see a great big light at the end of the tunnel.  A door has opened and I am walking right in.  I've held back for a couple months, but it seems right.  Yes, I am talking about "dating."  I've talked in length about it with my grief counselor and she has given me great insight.  It is a long distance "relationship" right now and I think that is good for me.  I can take it slow.  His name is Drew, he lives in Chicago and I've actually known him for five years.  He has stayed here with a group of friends over the years so he knew Ray...which makes it a plus.  Otherwise he would be sick and tired of me constantly talking about "Ray." 

Back in January, February, March, April, May (and even June) I never, EVER would have thought I could feel like I do now.  I am starting to feel normal.  Actually NORMAL!  It's been a long road, because I've had to start a new life.  Yesterday I said to Marguerite that I wished Ray was back and everything was back to the way is WAS.  Then I said...it can't, it never will be, that is the reality...I have to move on.  I think I have accepted the fact that I do have a new life.  I have to embrace it.  I have no choice.  And, I can accept that fact.  - Jimmy

Very Far

Ok, this morning that song from "White Christmas" is running through my mind.  "Snow...snow...snow...I want to wash my face, my hands, my feet in snow..."  Or something to that effect.  My late brother David had his own version of that song with different body parts mentioned.  He was a crazy guy.  A real comedian. 

I'm feeling pretty good this morning.  Just couldn't sleep.  So, I got up early and put on my favorite show....Judge Judy.  Checked my email and soon I'll see what's up on Facebook.

Pretty slow here at the B&B right now.  I guess it gives me some time to catch up on my rest and enjoy the holidays. 

I can hear the snow beating against the skylights.  It must be a heavy, icy snow.  Thank God I have auto-start on my truck.  I will start it up about 20 minutes before I have to go for grief counseling. 

We've probably got about six inches of snow now.  Not as much as Holland, but it's starting to pile up. 

I'm happy.  I'm doing good.  Just continuing the journey of grief.  I believe I'm moving along quite well though.  I didn't think I would be able to get this far back in January, but I've travelled far.  Very far.  - Jimmy

My original blog is here:  http://www.kirbyhouse.com/blog

Happy and Sad at the Same Time

Is it possible to feel very happy and terribly sad at the same time?  I am doing so much better.  Evidenced by looking back at my blogs from January.  I cried tonight at my loss of Ray, but am loving the snow, Christmas music and decorations.  It's like I am living in two seperate worlds right now...at the same time. 

I vegged out all day.  Slept in until 10:00 a.m.  Watched two episodes of Judge Judy.  Watched "The View" and then started the second season of "Queer as Folk" (ok, a little late on that I know).  I did pay some bills and run a couple erronds this afternoon.  Now, instead of cooking dinner, I'm going to order pizza.  Marguerite and I are going to watch old "family videos" tonight.  From 1995. 

I have grief counseling tomorrow.  I am ready for it.  I have a lot to talk about and clarify.  - Jimmy

Relaxing

OK, feeling a bit more rested today.  Finished breakfast this morning, cleaned up and now I am just taking it easy today.  Not really planning on doing anything in particular.  Although, I am catching up on Judge Judy episodes I have on my TiVo.

It is very windy and cold out.  The snow is falling too.  We are supposed to get 8 inches of snow over the next three days. 

It's nice to be able to sit and relax.  Over the last two months it seems like I've constantly had something to do.  Pack, plan and go to Key West, then Vienna, then Thanksgiving, then decorate for Christmas and Chicago somewhere inbetween there.  So, it is nice to have time to just relax. 

A year ago today Susie came to visit Ray just before he went in for his surgery.  I think I'll give her a call.

I'm feeling good today.  I feel a little "down" and I can't really pin-point why.  - Jimmy

I Am Just Tired

Well, first Dickens Dinner Package without Ray.  Good thing there were only five people.  I got through it though. 

Today has been a tough day.  I have been so tired and exhausted.  Maybe because I've been traveling too much.  Vienea, Chicago...back home.  AND decorating.  I am just tired.  - Jimmy

I've Got My Seatbelt On

The cloudy, dark skies and snow covered ground remind me of the trips I took to Holland Hospital to visit Ray.  I remember the day we left for his surgery...he held my hand in the car and said "Do you think I'm gonna make it?"  I said "of course you will."  I believed it.  I really did.  Earlier this year someone said to me "If you want to make God laugh tell him what you have planned for your life."  (Or something to that effect.)  How true, how true.  As I went to the cemetery the other day I said "one year ago I would have NEVER imagined that I would be driving to the cemetery to pay respects to Ray." 

I am going to Grandville today to go to Costco and then to Grand Rapids to go to G.B. Russo.  G.B. Russo is a gourmet food/kitchen shop.  They have awesome stuff.  Friedl, Marguerite and Drew are going with me.  Then, we are going to The Green Well (again) for dinner.  I was scheduled to have grief counseling today, but she called to cancel because she has the flu. 

Last night I made the butternut squash soup for this weekend's dinner.  Then I made pork medallions for our dinner last night.  So the kitchen was a busy place.  I am really loving cooking.  Two years ago I would NEVER have thought I would be cooking like I am...and LOVING it.  It's a good thing or else I would starve.

Marguerite got home from Detroit yesterday.  She had a wonderful time with her family, but she said she was happy to be home.  It's great to travel, but it is always nice to get back into your own surroundings and your own bed.

I'm moving forward.  However, I anticipate that I will be having some hard times in the days ahead.  I've got my seatbelt on.  - Jimmhy

Snow and Nice Days

The first day of snow.  Winter is here.  I raked a big chunk of leaves two days ago...just in time!  Visiting the cemetery now will really bring back memories from last winter! 

Yesterday I went to the Grand Rapids Art Museum with my friend Drew.  They had the Lady Diana exhibit there.  It was quite amazing.  Over 150 personal artifacts, letters to her parents when she was a child, gowns, jewels and even the famous wedding dress.  It was really amazing to stand within inches of that famous dress.  To think she wore that on that famous day, July 29, 1981 - I remember that day myself.  Afterward we went to the Amway Grand Hotel and had a drink, then to a great neighborhood restaurant in Grand Rapids called "The Green Well."  By the time we left it was packed and there were people waiting....this was on a Tuesday night in December.  Must be popular.  At 8:00 we went to Friedl's to have dessert and watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  It was a great day.  I really enjoyed myself.

Today I will go to shopping in Holland for food for the Dickens Dinner this weekend.  I already picked up the duck. 

Ten days until the one year anniversary of Ray's surgery.  I was reading my blog from last December and it really chocked me up.  As bad as it makes me feel I have this urge to read it.  Maybe it's like looking at a bad accident.  It is horrible to look at but there is this urge and curiosity about it.  I have to look back and re-experience my feelings.  I need to do it.  To relive the memory.  So, my emotions are a roller coaster.  I am doing good though.  I have grief counseling tomorrow, I look forward to it. - Jimmy

I Am Living Life

Here it is Monday night.  I did it.  I went through most of the boxes of Christmas decorations with minimal tears.  I had a hard time at the cemetery last night.  I really cried.  I thought..."who would have thought that a year would pass and I would be going to the cemetery to visit Ray?" 

I am doing good.  The last several days have brought tears to my eyes.  When I am sitting still I "think" about things...but I can get myself composed.  I move forward.  There is life that continues on.  I am so thankful for my friends that support me. 

I am living life...thank God.  - Jimmy

Boxes of Memories

I made it through Thanksgiving!  It was really a great day.  My friend Drew helped me chop, dice and slice through all the ingredients and I made my very first turkey.  (The turkey was the easiest part.  It was a "Jennie-O" brand turkey labeled "from freezer to oven to perfect."  And it was!)  Friedl came over about 2:00 p.m. and the three of us had dinner about 4:30. 

I felt great all day until about 11:45.  Friedl left and my mind started to wander.  Tears, of course, flowed.  I guess the release is still needed.  It builds up slowly now - and then it needs to be let go.  I am moving forward though.  I'm taking baby steps to move my life along rather than just "surviving" on a daily basis. 

Marguerite went to Detroit to be with the Riker family for Thanksgiving.  I was invited there as well other friends' and families homes.  However, I just did not want to be away from the house.  It was bad enough last night at 11:45 p.m.  If I had gone somewhere and come home alone I would probably have had a breakdown. 

Today is the traditional day Ray and I would go and get the real Christmas tree.  I am going to continue that tradition.  I did't think I would this year, but the Christmas spirit is starting to build up in me.  I hope I can keep a handle on my emotions as I unpack the boxes of decorations...and boxes of memories.  I'm sure tears will surely fall, but it will be another step forward and yet more release of the sadness.  - Jimmy

My Best Friend

I am back from Chicago.  Had a great dinner with guests/friends of the Kirby House.  Rob made a fantastic lasagna dinner.  Went to Macy's (the old Marshal Field's) on State Street and had lunch in the Walnut Room.  The huge tree was gorgous and we got to sit right by it!  It helped me get in the Christmas Spirit which I didn't know if I was going to have any this year.

Last night Friedl and I made a Austrian dinner for friends.  I even served Austrian wine I bought in Chicago.  I just love having dinner parties!  Today I will go shopping for Thanksgiving Dinner.  I am spending it at home.  I did not want to go anywhere else for Thanksgiving.  I've been invited to many places,  but I just want to be here at home.  I dread going somewhere and then coming home.  I feel safe and comfortable here.  It will only be Friedl, my friend Drew and me.  Friedl, Drew and I are going to do the shopping together today. 

I had some "crying" moments this morning already.  It's during the quiet times that I am allowed to think about things which makes me cry.  When I am busy and my time is occupied I am ok.  I guess I just need the moments of release or it will build up. 

I am doing good.  But...in spite of everything going on in my life I miss Ray terribly.  My best friend.  - Jimmy

Occupied and Busy

I had a little cry this morning thinking about "a year ago."  A year ago today I subbed for seventh grade math in Hudsonville.  I can remember that day like it was yesterday.  I did not want to sub because I felt so terrible about Ray, but I had made the commitment and did it.  Of course that was the only thing on my mind that day. 

I am going to Chicago today.  I will return on Tuesday.  Hopefully it will keep my mind occupied and busy.  - Jimmy

One Year

Well, today markes the one year anniversary of the journey Ray and I took with his cancer.  I tear up as I write this.  I went to the cemetery tonight and cried. 

I remember when we got home from the doctor's office.  I called my mom to tell her.  Of course, at the time, we thought Ray could beat this.  Why not?  He was young.  We thought it was caught early, etc.  But...although we never mentioned it to each other it was on the back of both of our minds..."what if?"  I know that I thought that.  And, I could tell by his actions and behaviors that he was savoring every moment as if it was his last.  He was doing things that he wouldn't normally do.  Sentimenal "family" things.  Going to the lighting ceremony in Saugatuch (which we hadn't done in years), etc.  I thought about the "what if's" but I NEVER mentioned it to him.  I'm sure we both didn't want to "put that into the atmosphere."  The night we found out about the cancer (a year ago tonight) I went for a walk.  I thought about what life would be like without Ray...and at the time I didn't think I would want to live it.  And I haven't wanted to.  I have done it, but haven't wanted to do it.  This whole blog is probably nothing but a "rambling."  But that's how I feel right now.  I can't wait till the "year" is over. 

I have a feeling the next two months are going to be a "reliving hell" for me.  "A year ago today...." 

I am home from Vienna.  I wrote a journal while I was gone and will post portions of it in a few days.  I'm happy to be home.  - Jimmy

Good Bye

The day has come.  I leave for Vienna in seven hours.  I am finally excited.  Usually I plan the vacation....things to do, sights to see, etc.  Since Friedl is taking care of everything I haven't had to do any planning, so I haven't gotten excited about the trip.  However, today I am really, really excited.  Also, I have been so focused on making sure everything is taken care of here at the house (bills paid, laundry done, leaves raked) that my mind has been redirected. 

Yesterday Ray's sister Kathleen (from Tennessee) came in.  She is going to spend time here with Marguerite.  We went to dinner last night at Everyday People Cafe.  It was so nice spending time with her.  What a sweet woman.

Yesterday I raked leaves.  It was the PERFECT day to rake leaves.  There was no wind, the temps were in the 60's, and the leaves were perfectly dry.  I used my blower and it worked perfectly.  I got a lot of leaves collected and put out front to the street.  There is still a lot more to do but I got "on top of it" so a big chunk of it is done. 

I talked on the phone this morning with my niece Julia.  She is such a sweetie!  She loves me so much.  And I love her too.  She is so outgoing...her mother will have to be careful about all the boys who will fall for her.  She is going to be a big tease.  Some young man is going to be very lucky one day when she says "yes" to his marriage proposal. 

I hope to be able to blog when in Europe, but if not...."good bye" for eleven days.  - Jimmy

Spring Fever

I thought I slept in late, but realized later that I never changed my clock in the bedroom.  So, extra "Judge Judy Time."  And extra time to cuddle up with Wiley.  With Ray, Gabby and Amity gone, Wiley has really been clinging to me.  Especially when I am upstairs in the apartment.

From the time my flight leaves Grand Rapids until I land in Vienna 17 hours will have passed.  I am trying to make sure I have enough stuff to do while travelling.  With no one else tagging along with me I am making sure I have a good book, updated iPod, fully charged netbook, etc.  I have a four and a half hour layover in London.  I am glad about that because if there are any delays out of Chicago I still should make my connection.  On the return flight home Friedl will be travelling with me, so that will be much better.

In two days it will be the one year anniversary of Ray's doctor's appointment at which he made the appointment for the colonoscopy.  It was a routine six month physical.  He came home so happy because everything looked so good.  Blood pressure, blood work, and everthing else was great.  I had been putting up the outdoor garland and lights when he left.  I remember it so vividly.  I was on the second floor roof putting up the garland when he left in the Cadillac.  I will forever remember the events of November 10 through January 8th as if etched in my mind like his name on his tombstone. 

Spring Fever is the news about the weather this week.  Temperatures close to 70 degrees!  As I say, everday is a day closer to spring!  - Jimmy

I am Very Tired

Sunday night.  I am almost ready for my trip to Austria.  However, I was quite lazy today.  Everything will get done...even if it is last minute. 

It was a beautiful day today.  I made a new recipe for Creamy Butternut Squash Soup for Christmas Dinners and New Years.  Turned out wonderful!

I am very tired.  I'm still talking with they guy I am "seeing."  - Jimmy

You Reap What You Sow

Here it is Saturday morning (6:00 a.m.) and I can't sleep.  The worst part?  No guests to make breakfast for!  Two rooms coming in today, but no one for breakfast this morning.  Of course tomorrow I will probably want to sleep in.

My mind whirls.  There is so much I want to do before I leave.  Marguerite is in a cast (on her foot) so I have to make sure everything is available to her on the first floor. 

Last night we watched "MILK."  The movie about Harvey Milk.  There was a scene where he came home to find his partner dead (suicide).  He fell to the floor and broke apart.  I think you would have to have experienced something like that to play the role...or maybe be a great actor.  I could relate so well.  It brought back the memory of when the police officer told me Ray had passed.  I literally fell to the floor and fell apart.  Screaming....NOOOO!  It is pure hell.  I couldn't watch that scene and had to leave the room going upstairs to cry.  A few steps forward.....a step back.  That will be my life for quite a while I guess.

I am so lucky to have Ray's family around.  They accept me as part of the Riker family.  How lucky I was to find a great partner with such a great, loving, accepting family.  I have a great family, but they are "blood."  However, I guess that doesn't mean much.  My family is great too.  I guess I am so fortunate all the way around.  I have great families and great friends.  God has truly blessed me.  You reap what you sow, and I planted some great seeds and took real good care of them.  - Jimmy

PS:  So far things are going "good" with me and the man I am "seeing"....

Getting My Feet Wet

I had grief counseling this morning and then took off for Detroit.  I am at my mom's right now.  I came to hook up her TiVo to her cable box.  Tonight I am going to my niece Julia's hockey game.  She is 10 years old.  I will return home tomorrow.

I have a lot to do before I leave for Vienna on Tuesday.  First and foremost I have to pack.  Catch up on laundry.  Clean out the refrigerators.  More stuff than I can think of.

Regarding my "seeing someone" I have some thoughts I would like to share.  One thing this experience has taught me is the fact that life does go on.  You can't stop it.  You can't go back.  You can't control it.  I was doing what I was "supposed" to do, but I have been hanging on to the past.  I was afraid that if I moved on Ray's loss would be more of a reality...as if I could prevent it from being more real.  This was all in my mind of course.  On the outside I am sure most people saw me as someone moving forward and living my new life.  In a way I was, but I have been clinging to the past.  Not throwing things away.  Keeping things that I don't need anymore.  Trying to make time stop.  After I cleaned up the apartment last week it felt so fresh and new.  It was a great feeling.  I guess this is the next step.  "Getting my feet wet" as my grief counselor told me today.  -  Jimmy

All Of These Things Are Going Through My Mind

Wow...a week since I have posted.

Ten months ago tonight (at this very minute) I came home to find Ray dead.  A blatent experience.  I have thought about it all day.  How can't I?  He was the love of my life.  Our life wasn't perfect in any sense of the word...but we loved each other dearly.  Some days maybe not so much.  But that is typical in most (if not all) relationships.

My blog is an open, honest writing of my life and feelings after Ray's death.  So, I have to say that I am "seeing" someone.  "Someone" that Ray and I knew for about five years.  A guest/acquaintance that has stayed here.  We are "getting along" and will see what is going on.  Guilt, insecurity, disrespect...all of thesse feelings are going through my mind.  - Jimmy

Feeling Refreshed

Well, I slept a little better last night.  Didn't wake up till 6:15 a.m.  I feel well rested.  My mind feels clear.  I guess I will still have my ups and downs for a while.

I visited Ray's grave yesterday (as I do most days).  I got very emotional driving home.  I was thinking that I just wanted him home...yet how out of control I was of making that happen.  I need those releases.  Maybe that is why my mind is clear today.  I need to let the tears flow so I can get the release I need.

I cleaned the apartment a little again yesterday.  Yes, I threw out Ray's electric toothbrush.  No one can know what a HUGE step that was for me.  The day I saw it for the first time after he died I broke into a huge emotional cry.  Crazy, but I did.  I don't think anyone can know how I feel unless they have lost the same loss as me.  This weekend we had a guest that stayed with us who lost her partner of 25 years to cancer this last May.  We shared a small conversation and the thoughts, feelings and experiences we both had seemed identical.  Maybe it's time I get involved in a group grief counseling session. 

Today I'll finish cleaning the apartment, try to defrost the refrigerator/freezer in the pantry and finish up some laundry.  I am going to dinner tonight with Tony and Kelly to a friend of theirs.  Tomorrow I will take Marguerite to the doctor and then go to Grand Rapids with Friedl.  Tomorrow night I will pick up Karelen and Drew from the train station in Holland.  Very busy day tomorrow. 

I am feeling refreshed this morning.  - Jimmy

Small Steps are Big Steps to Me

Up early again.  My mind is just a mass of thoughts.  I was laying on the couch, covered by a comforter given to Ray by a nurse in Holland Hospital.  So my thoughts wander back to her, the staff there, Ray walking around the floor trying to get exercise.  I don't think my mind will ever clear of this.  It may become less frequent, but it will always be a permanent imprint on my mind. 

I feel like I am making some progress in spite of the constant thoughts I have.  Yesterday I decided to do some cleaning in the apartment.  I disconnected Ray's heart monitor and packed it up to ship back.  The heart monitor was in the bedroom on his nightstand.  It was connected to the phone line and sent signals from Ray's defibrillator.  This was one of those things that I "just couldn't do."  By disconnecting it there is a certain feeling of the reality that he will never be back.  I also threw out two old robes that he wore.  It's a start for me.  A start for me to accept the reality.  A start for me to move on.  I hate to use the term "move on" because it sounds so harsh.  At least to me it does.  However, it is the reality.  Maybe if I continue to clean things up, take things to Goodwill, etc. it will help me get some closure and not live in the past.  I just might even unplug and throw out his electric toothbrush today.  It sounds like such a simple task, but to me it is an emotional event.  More reality, and it hurts.  I have to start doing this though.  I am getting close to a year now.  I compare these steps I'm taking to someone who has been in a terrible accident and lost use of their legs for a while.  They slowly go through physical therapy.  Taking small steps.  Standing for the first time is a big event.  Then, walking a few yards is something to get excited about.  Slowly, each small step is a step closer to getting back to normal.  But, normal may not be the same as before.  Slowly my small steps are a step closer to my healing.  Closer to "my" normal.  Tasks like throwing out old robes or old toothbrushes seem like nothing to other people, but to me they are BIG steps.  Those are my thoughts and feelings today.  - Jimmy 

I Will Have Survived

It's 4:50 a.m.  I can't sleep.  I've been up since 3:30 a.m.  My mind whirls.  I think about New Year's last year.  I think about the day/moment I found Ray dead.  I think about the funeral.  My mind whirls.  I get sick to my stomach.  Some days I feel so good about moving on and then I hit a point where I stop and step back a little.  I guess this will go on for a while.  It's important for me to write these things down so I can get these feelings out and organized.  Maybe it will help me get back to sleep so I can have a productive day.  I know that writing down my feelings will help me in the future.  I will be able to look back and see my progress.

I have a pretty busy week.  Monday I am taking Marguerite to the hospital for surgery on her foot.  I am going to Detroit on Tuesday to hook up my mom's TiVo to her cable.  It will be nice to see her.  I am coming home on Wednesday.  On Thursday I am picking up guests from the train station in Holland, Karlene and Drew.  Then we're already into the weekend.  The busy week will help keep my mind occupied.

Fall is in full swing.  I am now approaching the dreadful "one year" anniversaries..."a year ago today...."  Dates I will never forget....November 9, November 10, November 19, November 20, December 4, December 11, December 22, December 29, December 31, January 2, January 3, January 8.....They are cast in stone in my memory.  Each one of those days I can relive....I can tell you exactly what happened on those days in 2009/2010.  I dread their approach, but will be happy when they are over.  I will have survived a year.  It gives me hope.  - Jimmy

I Realize That Now

Sometimes it seems like death is the easy way out.  The responsibilities are left to someone else.  I remember Ray used to say how sad he would be the day one of the cat's might die.  He didn't have to experience that.  I am missing my Amity so much right now, and these thoughts run through my mind.  When you're "gone" there is no responsibility.  It's all over.  So then I think...why worry about things in life.  Enjoy it...because when it's over...it's over.  So live, love and laugh.  Enjoy the moment, because you never know when it will end.  I think I am starting to love life again. 

I am so thankful to my wonderful friends and family who have been here for me over the last year.  Their support, love and care have carried me through.  I've come a long way in the last 10 months.  I realize that now. - Jimmy

Should Be Fun

So, a nice day trip to Chicago yesterday.  Had lunch at P.F. Chang's, took Friedl to her doctor, and then Marguerite and I walked Michigan Avenue to Water Tower Place/Mall.  After living in Saugatuck for 13 years now the big city of Chicago seems so foreign to me.  Not overwhelming, just such a different lifestyle, landscape, etc.  It's beautiful but I don't think I could ever live there...unless I HAD to.  I just love living in West Michigan.  So, to me Chicago is a nice place to visit.

Today is a sunny and beautiful fall day.  I will start to clean some rooms and then I have grief counseling this afternoon.  I bought a fish tank last week, so I will go to the pet store in Holland before counseling and buy some stuff for it.  I will put the goldfish (from the fountain outside) in it for the winter.  Who knows what Wiley or Moscow will do when they see it?!

I can clearly see that Wiley is agitated.  He seems a little disoriented.  He was so used to having his "companion" around all his life.  They slept together, napped together, played together...and now she is gone in an instant.  He is spending more time down on the main floor with me so now Moscow is getting used to having him around.  All three of us are experiencing "new lives."  A new schedule, routine and lifestyle. 

Well, before I finished this blog I found out my grief counseling is rescheduled.  That's ok.  As long as I can go before I leave for Vienna.  I've got a lot to share.

Tomorrow is a big dinner party at Friedl's.  Should be fun.  - Jimmy

I Am Starting to Accept It

I'm not really sure how many people (if any) are still reading my blog, but I will keep posting.  Mostly because it is helping me.  Yesterday (and this morning) I was reading my blog posts from January.  WOW!  It almost seems like it was another person.  I didn't realize how far I have actually come.  Some of the things I don't even remember.  That is why I am so glad I have them to look back at.  My feelings were so strong and the way I wrote them down is just amazing...such explicit descriptions of my feelings.  I was really in quite a deep pit.  It now makes me realize how far I have come.  At times I think I have not done any better, now I know I have.  My biggest suggestion to people who are suffering a loss would be to keep a journal, then look back at it.  You'll see how far you have really come.

Today I am going to Chicago with Friedl and Marguerite.  Friedl has a doctor's appointment there so we are leaving early, having lunch and then who knows what.  A great "day trip" for us.  I am happy today.  My life is new.  I am starting to accept it.  - Jimmy

Wow...what a dream I had last night.  Totally crazy.  I'll try to describe it as best I can.  It went on for a long time too.

I got a call from the hospital saying I can come and pick up Ray.  I, of course, was confused.  He's been dead for 10 months now. When I got to the hospital Ray was there and told me the whole thing was a hoax!  I was in shock.  He said he wanted me to realize how much I really loved it and if he had died I would come to realize how much.  I couldn't believe it.  My mom and many other people were in on it and they knew he was still alive!  I, however, was not happy.  I was angry.  I couldn't believe he would put me through this entire year of grieving, mourning, a funeral, emotions, grief counseling, on and on.  I was so mad at him.   Then I said, "what about the insurance?  We'll have to pay them back and I've already paid for the funeral and things around the house?!"  Then I thought how upset he was going to be when he saw the changes I made.  I was frantic!  What made me so angry (rather than being happy to see him) was that he did this all as a hoax just to make a point.  And, why did he wait so long?  A one day prank (which this would be a horrible prank) would maybe make his point, but almost a year!  And, to have several people in on it, including my mother, was just shocking.

Well.  That is all I can post today.  That is enough!  I am seeing a faint light though.  I am approaching it with some trepidation, but I'm moving toward it.  - Jimmy

Empty

I feel empty today.  In spite of being around a ton of active middle school kids today (subbing) I felt so alone.  Even here with Marguerite I feel empty.  Like my soul just keeps shutting down.  So much of my love is leaving me.  I have just been lonely, empty, sick today.  That is how I feel.  I know people may not want to hear that, but it's how I feel.

I feel so bad for Wiley.  (By the way, Wiley is Amity's brother.)  He knows things are not normal.  Today when I was subbing Marguerite said she hear Wiley in my apartment crying to come out.  He was lonely I'm sure.  She said he wandered around the first floor "crying."  I will sleep with him on the third floor tonight to give him some sense of normalcy.  Last night we slept on the first floor.

I am sure I will heal again.  It just seems like the minute my scab starts to heal over it is ripped off yet again.  I miss Amity.  I miss Ray.  I miss my brother who died three years ago and my father who died fifteen years ago.  I have had so many friends lose parents this year it has been just a terrible year.  It can't get worse....can it?!  Rambling thoughts...I know.  - Jimmy

Good Bye Amity

Today at 2:00 p.m. I had Amity put to sleep.  She has been fighting her cancer for months now and this last week has been rough on her.  When I went upstairs this morning she came running down from the fourth floor and feel on the steps.  She landed at the bottom of the stair and looked shocked.  She was having trouble walking with her hind legs.  I knew I didn't want her to suffer in pain and confirmed my decision with the vet.  Friedl took me to the vet and was great support.  Another link to Ray gone.  My favorite "little girl" Amity is gone. 

I feel kind of numb right now.  I will need to get good rest tonight, I sub all day tomorrow in Saugatuck.  - Jimmy

Grilling

Friday afternoon subbing for sixth grade went great.  The school has an interesting layout for the classrooms, nothing I've seen before.  I have subbed there before, so I knew the layout, but it is very odd.  Must have been some innovative concept back in the day.

The weather has been great here.  Just great.  I'm so happy for our guests.  Sometimes it's great during the weekdays, then on the weekends it's crummy.

Grilling with guests tonight.  - Jimmy

Missing

I had grief counseling yesterday.  I was too long overdue.  I hadn't been there since late August.  It's a good release for me because I can really share what's on my mind with a professional and not worry about freaking family and friends out about my thoughts. 

I've been having a hard time lately.  I miss Ray more than ever.  I think in the beginning I was in shock, grief, mourning, alone, pain, uncertainty, etc.  Now, while I'm still in grief, I am beginning to really, really miss him.  It's been nine months and I miss him so much.  My life is so changed and most times I really hate that.  I hate that this happened.  I hate that Ray had to suffer, that he had to die so young.  I hate that he is gone from me. 

Amity seems to be doing well.  I must have had some 24 hour bug today, so I laid in bed a lot of the time.  Amity laid there right on top of me.  She was in her glory.

I sub 1/2 a day tomorrow for sixth grade in Holland.  First time subbing since May.  Wish me luck.  - Jimmy

Home and Dreams of Ray

Home from Key West. Other than some minor airline "glitches" everything went great. Even the weather turned out quite nice. Sunny and gorgeous most of the time. We swam in the pool and ocean, went snorkeling, toured Hemmingway's house, rented a small electric car and toured the island, ate awesome food, slept in, and enjoyed margueritas. There were times that it was very hard for me. After 21 years, it's still wierd to take a vacation and not have Ray along to share it with me. It's odd to be in such a beautiful place and feel an empty pain in the middle of your stomach. I'm trying, very hard, to move along but I seem to have come to a temporary "dead end."

One thing I noticed on this trip was a change in how I felt when the plane took off and landed. I ALWAYS had a fear of taking off and landing. I heard that is when most crashes happen. I didn't have any problems (fear) at all. I was completely calm at every take off and landing. I think I just have become totally unafraid of death. I guess I figure it would be an escape from the pain/grieving I'm going through and reunite me with Ray. I always felt I was unafraid of death, but there were time's I did fear it. It just seems that I don't anymore. I don't know...it's hard to put these thoughts down so other can try to understand what my messed up mind is thinking.

I had a dream of Ray last night. In the dream he was laying in our bed (shirt off as always) and I laid next to/across him and hugged him hard and cried and cried saying "I want you back so bad. I want you back so bad." It was nice and it was sad. At least I got to hold him in my dream last night.

I have grief counseling tomorrow...just in time. I'm not doing too much today. Just kind of vegging out after the full day of travel yesterday. Tomorrow I'll get back on track. I am subbing for sixth grade in Holland on Friday. - Jim

No Chores!

In addition to sharing my progress of healing, updating my life's progress and sharing my intimate thoughts, one of my goals of this blog is to share and keep the memory of Ray alive.  It's important to me.to do so.  I talk to him every day I visit him at the cemetery.  I share my thoughts and my stories.  It helps me.

It was nice to have Susie here for a visit.  We did get to spend some "quality" time together.  Yesterday the three of us went to St. Joseph, Michigan and spent a couple hours walking around shopping and just visiting with each other.  It was a beautiful drive down Blue Star Highway.  I'm sure the fall colors will look awesome along that stretch in a couple weeks!

Tomorrow we leave for Key West.  The forecast is for severe thunderstorms every day!  Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it.  Someone asked me tonight..."What are you going to do when you're there?"  My reply was "nothing."  I just want to do whatever I feel like doing.  No room cleaning, no laundry, no breakfast, no telephone, no bill paying, etc.  NO CHORES!  - Jimmy

Pool, Summer's End and Music

The pool is now closed for the season.  This was always one of Ray's saddest day's.  He always wanted to be the last one to swim in it before it was closed.  Another summer season wrapped up and another first for me.  I wonder if I will go through saying..."another second for me" next year?  I hope not.  I have to move on but it's hard. 

As I was driving home from Detroit yesterday I realized something.  I realized that it is very difficult for me to listen to music that I listened to when Ray was alive.  Any pop music from the 80's, 90's and first decade of the 2000's makes me think of him.  If I listen to current music (music post January 2010) it doesn't bother me.  I guess I will have to start to like today's music.  Some of it is pretty good.  I shed some good tears yesterday coming home while I listtened to the "oldies." 

It's a crisp night.  I will sleep well...hopefully.  - Jimmy

Anniversary, Faith and Going Home

Although Ray and I first "caught each others' eyes" on Memorial Day of 1998, we celebrate September 22 as our "official" anniversary.  That is the day we first went out to dinner together and both knew we were in love.  We selected that date since we can't legally have a wedding anniversary.  So, today is our "anniversary."  My celebration?  Lunch with Scott and Mary Ellen and dinner with my mom.  Maybe both are a next best choice for celebration.  Scott made an awesome lunch and the three of us sat out back at their house in St. Claire Shores.  My mom and I had Chinese from Peking Villa in Harper Woods. 

It's hard to be in my old stomping ground knowing what great beginnings Ray and I had here and to know that he is gone.  However, I can hear my grief counselor telling me how thankful I should be that I even have those great memories...some people will never have that.  I know that is true...but it still hurts to know he is gone.  Maybe the visit back to Detroit is bitter-sweet. 

Sometimes I wonder why life is worth living if we are all just going to end up dying anyway.  I hear all the "correct" responses, but I still think "why bother."  Ray's death has made that such a reality for me.  He was 1/2 my life, shouldn't I WANT to be with him?  If I were 100% absolutely sure that I would be with him in heaven, in a perfected life, with no pain, sin, or worries why wouldn't I just want to take my life and be with him now?  Maybe because I'm really not sure.  Can you have strong faith with some doubt?    Or, does some doubt mean you have NO faith? 

I am going home tomorrow.  Saugatuck that is.  My new home of 13 years.   Susie is in for a visit from Colorado.  It will be great seeing her again.  - Jimmy

So Sad

I'm in Detroit now.  Had dinner at my brother and sister-in-law's house tonight.  Ribs on the grill, potatoes, vegetables, salad, etc.  GREAT dinner Pam!

I picked up my friend Joe this afternoon and we took a trip through Royal Oak on our way to Somerset Mall.  I visited our old house on Trafford in Royal Oak.  It is a MESS!!!  I spoke with our old next door neighbor and she told me the guy wasn't home.  I went over there and went through the back yard.  Ray would be sick.  His gardens are no more.  The deck we put on is falling apart.  The beautiful wood fence he had put in is gone...rotted and blown over by the wind!  All the windows were covered with sheets for newspapers...or old sheers from when we lived there.  I tried to peek in the family room windows...not much to see.  It made me sick.  It is so sad.  My old neighbor told me he is trying to sell it.  I wish I could buy it and fix it back up for Ray.  I loved living in Royal Oak so much!  It was the first house Ray and I moved together into as a couple. 

Joe and I then went to Somerset Mall.  Went up to the third floor and visited with Gary in the salon.  Great to see you Gary.  Also went to make a short visit to another co-worker Sue Watt.  It was a great day and a sad day.  I cried going home as I drove down 11 Mile.  I saw downtown Royal Oak, Superior Fish Market, the farmer's market, etc.  It brought back very happy memories.  But memories that can never more be. 

Tomorrow I will visit Scott and Mary Ellen.  I am so looking forward to that.  - Jimmy

I Have A Smile this Morning!

Wow, four days since I last blogged.  A full house this weekend has kept me busy. 

I am going to Detroit today to visit family.  I will stay with my mom for three nights.  I always look forward to visits with her.  This will be my first time away from the house since our cruise in March/April.  Marguerite will "hold down the fort."  I will also make short visits with Scott & MaryEllen and my friend Joe Lievens. 

This will also be my first long trip in my new truck.  I washed it last night...had to be sure it looked nice when I pull up at my mom's.  My body is so sore from working on the pool pump and filter on Thursday I may have to use the heated seat to keep my back warm!  I think I'll take a dip in the hot-tub before I leave also.

The weather looks great this week.  High's in the 70's and 80's.  Wow, it will be like summer again.

I had a real nice dream about Ray last night.  I have a smile this morning!  - Jimmy

About Amity

After my blog about Amity's progess the other night I put some food out for her.  She ate the food.  I had given her a pill the vet gave to me.  It stimulates her appetite.  Maybe it worked.  She also ate some scrambled eggs the next morning.  So, right now she is back to her "normal" but very, very skinny.

Monday I am going to Detroit to visit family.  I will stay three nights at my mom's house.  We'll go shopping!  I have lot's of fun with her.  I look forward to my fall trip to Detroit every year.

Thunderstorms and heavy rain are the weather of the day.  I've had this "anxious" feeling all day so far.  I feel like I'm nervous or anxious about something.  I don't know.  - Jimmy

Home Alone

I am sitting on the front porch.  It's a beautiful evening.  I am home alone.  Guests have gone to dinner and Marguerite is in Detroit visiting family.  It's nice.  Some alone time will be good for me.  Tonight I plan to go to Ray's grave and water the grass we planted.  Then I will come home and finish watering the gardens and potted plants.  For dinner I will have my leftovers from the other night.  I made sauteed port tenderloin with diced apples, shallots and raisins.  The sauce that is with it is wonderful!

Yesterday I missed Ray so much.  I love looking at his name...RAY.  I saw a refrigerator magnet of a chef with the name RAY on it today in the kitchen.  I smiled.  I love to look at his name and his writing.  I was just going over some recipes I found and they are all in his writing.  On the top of one recipe it said "From Mondo's Recipe Book of Creative Genius."  Mondo was one of the names he gave himself.  His "rock star" name...Mondo Verone.  At the bottom of the recipe he wrote "bon appetit!"  I know it has been eight months since he died but I just still can't get a grip on that fact.  I never knew how much of an impact it would have on me if he was ever out of my life.  I truly never knew.  I thought I was a "big boy" and would be able to accept death.  I always knew that one of us would die before the other (unless we  both died in a tragic accident or something).  I figured that I would be able to accept it and move on.  It's not that way.  And maybe because he died so young and so fast.  I don't know.  But I do know that I miss him.  I miss him terribly.  I'm sure that those who are reading this are starting to get tired of hearing that, but it is how I feel.  There is so much I want to share with him and tell him.  It will have to wait until we are in heaven together.  - Jimmy

PS:  Hello to Raguoc!

Good Bye Gabby and Greener Grass for Ray

Today Marguerite and I went to the cemetery and buried Gabby with Ray.  Then we cleaned out the weeds that grew on the soil above his plot and planted grass seed.  It should start to look better soon.

Amity is not eating.  I afraid she will eventually starve herself to death.  She eats treats and cream, but isn't eating her food now. 

- Jimmy

It's Not A Real Person

Well, I got my answer.  Horace Raddish is not a real person.  A reader of my blog (guest/friend Dave Laski) went to Notre Dame High School.  He was a freshman when Ray was a senior.  He saw my post and sent me an email that he was on the year book committee and they had people submit "silly" names for someone and found a picture from the 1950's year book.  Horace Raddish won for the fake name and they used the picture from the 50's.  How ironic is that!?  Within less than 24 hours I got my answer to the oddest question I could even come up with.  Scratch that one off the list I have for Ray.

Today Marguerite and I went to see the Lakeshore Community Chorus at the Saugatuck Center for the Arts.  It was fantastic.  As I listened I thought to myself that they should do a Christmas concert.  Well guess what?!  They are.  Who knew.

This was the third time I have sat in the art center since Ray died.  I couldn't help but get teary eyed sitting there.  I thought about all the times we sat there and watched shows together.  Now he wasn't there for me to put my arm around his seat.  I miss that.  I miss his companionship.  A partner.  I miss it terribly.  I miss HIM terribly.

We are going to Friedl's for dinner tonight.  She's back in town so you'll probably be seeing her name on here a lot again.  In two months she and I will be in Vienna!!!  - Jimmy

I'll Ask Him If That Was A Real Person

Outside of the work I "HAVE to do," the last several days I have been quite lazy.  I think my body and my mind just need a good break from the last four months.  Considering I haven't had an actual day off since April, I'm just pooped.  I could clean the basement, clean out my office, organize my clothes, box up Ray's clothes for Goodwill, etc., etc., I just don't feel like it.  I will have all winter to do those things, so I'm gonna just be lazy for now.  I'm looking forward to the six nights in Key West soon. 

It is very cool out, rainy and damp (of course it would be damp if it's raining).  That adds to the "blah" of the day.  I'm sitting in room 3 looking out the windows as I type the blog.  I just love the view in here.  I wish Ray was sitting next to me...keeping me warm.  He could always do that.  He was hot blooded, so on any given cold winter night I just had to have him next to me in bed, or cuddle up to him to keep warm.  He was always so hot, he had to take clothes off.  I, of course, didn't mind that! 

I brought some flowers to Ray's graveside yesterday.  They were flowers from one of our dining room tables.  I wanted to show him how good they looked since I've had to take on that job of his.  Marguerite has helped in that area as well though.  She has worked her fanny off in some of the gardens that Ray let get a little out of hand.  I told Marguerite I didn't get involved in the gardening and just figured Ray was doing what he wanted with them.  With how overgrown the gardens were with ferns I wonder if he just lost interest or just gave up on the ferns taking over.  I'm keeping a list of questions I want to ask him when I see him in the afterlife.  One question is about someone in his senior class.  In his Notre Dame year book there is a picture of a "geeky" looking kid with the name Horace Raddish (horseraddish...get it).  I believe it had to be a joke, if not the poor kid's parents were very mean.  So, I'll ask him if that was a real person.  - Jimmy

Counting My Blessings

Today I went through a bag of old cards.  Birthday cards, Christmas cards, "new job" cards and mostly cards from Ray.  Birthday, Valentine's, Sweetheart and miscellaneous cards.  How amazing to go through those.  I have all the original cards he sent me back when we first started to officially date in September/October/November of 1989.  There was so much love poured out in those cards it made me cry.  I cried because I miss having someone around who loves me like that.  However, having those cards to look back at is a blessing to me.

So, as I stated yesterday, I am going to list some of the things I am thankful for.  Here are some:

• Having the cards Ray gave to me over the years
• Having had as wonderful of a realtionship two people could have for 21 years
• Knowing Ray did not have to suffer a long and difficult battle
• My close and dear friends who have taken me under their wings
• Ray's wonderful family
• My wonderful family
• My great guests/friends
• Through God, Ray has made sure I'm taken care of financially for now (we made sure both of us would be "ok" for a couple years without having that stress)
• My cats
• My nice home/business
• A good mode of transportation
• The beautiful days God gives each day
• Costco
• Sam's Club
• Big Lot's
• TJ Maxx
• Judge Judy
• The internet
• Videos of Ray
• Pictures of Ray
• The great vacations we took together
• Special time's spent with my mom
• People who care about me
• My health
• Wonderful Food
• Lake Michigan
• Chocolate/Peanut Butter Ice Cream

I guess this list is more like a "blessings" and "things I'm thankful for" list. 

I so cherished my life with Ray that it is just very difficult to move on.  I know it appears so on the outside but inside I just can't let him go.  I never will.  - Jimmy

The Things I Miss

Last night I went to the Grand Rapids Airport to pick up my friend Friedl.  They have a "cell phone parking" area for people waiting to pick up passengers.  You park and wait until you get the cell phone call that they have their luggage and are ready to be picked up.  It works out great.

As I sat in the car and waited I was thinking about the times Ray and I would be arriving at the Grand Rapids Airport and picking uo our luggage from a wonderful trip.  It occurred to me that it was such a mundane task which I miss terribly.  Probably more so because it can never happen again.  Then I sat and thought about the things I miss. 

Here are some of the things I miss:

• Waiting for our luggage at the airport after a wonderful trip somewhere
• Holding hands
• A morning kiss
• His excitement on Christmas morning
• Ray buying a newspaper on Thanksgiving and Christmas so he can see the top headline "Happy Thanksgiving" or "Merry Christmas"
• Hearing him come up the back steps onto the porch
• His smile
• His reassurance when I was worried
• His asking "how much did you spend" when I came home from the Dollar Tree
• They way he called out Moscow's name when he wanted her to come in
• Watching Desperate Housewives together
• Watching Cash Cab together
• His dinners
• Going to the Outlet Mall in Michigan City together
• Our Mackinac Island fall vacations
• The touch of his leg on mine
• The security of our relationship
• Sitting together on the front porch after a long day and having a big ole' cocktail
• Watching him walk across the street from the grocery store
• His big laugh (when he thought something was funny...you knew)
• Going to the DCI (Drum Corps International) shows together the last couple years
• Going out to eat together (we LOVED to do that)
• His childish ways (and I mean that in a GOOD way)
• His reliance on me to take care of and plan things
• His love for all creatures - especially our cats
• Coming home to him after a day of subbing
• Walks on the beach together
• His simple ways
• Making the trip to buy the Christmas tree every year
• Our unconditional love
• His smile (yes, again)
• The fact that I will never see hm again in this life

I could go on and on.  This is the tip of the ice-berg.  In spite of all those around me, I still feel so lonesome at times.  Even in a group gathering I can feel all alone. 

This blog is not meant to be a "downer" - just me sharing my thoughts.  Updating my life to those who seem to care.  Today I just wanted to share the things I miss about my relationship with Ray.  And, in spite of all that, I have so much to be thankful to God for.  SO MUCH!!  He has blessed me through all of this in so many ways.  I will think of those blessings tonight and blog about them tomorrow.  The list of blessings just may be bigger.  God has taken very, very good care of me.  - Jimmy

Post Labor Day

Well, it is now "post Labor Day" and the fall season will soon be in full swing.  Last night, guests/friends Fred and Kym made dinner for us.  Fred slow grilled pork loin.  Delicious.  Today was room cleaning day, as well as laundry, pool cleaning, etc.  Still quite busy.  It is totally sunny today, but very strong wind gusts. 

It's hard to believe that in just over two months it will the the one year anniversary of Ray's cancer diagnosis.  A year!!!  The more time moves on the more far away it seems like he will get from me.  That scares me.  My grief counselor says that is not true.  He is no more further away from me now than he was on January 3, the night he died.  But, as time goes by and things happen in life, experiences are had, and changes made, it feels like he is getting further away from me.  Crazy thoughts...I know.

I did have a dream about him last night though.  It was a very nice dream.  It makes me smile.  At least I can look forward to those!

I will be subbing again this year.  I'm all set up in the system so soon I'll be seeing all the kids again.

- Jimmy

I Made It

Here it is...Labor Day.  All of the guests have checked-out.  I made it through the summer of 2010.  As I mentioned yesterday, I could never have made it work so well without Marguerite.  She helped make everything flow so smoothly.  There were rough times for me emotionally.  I think I was able to mask those times enough so that no one knew...probably not even Marguerite (at least not until now).  I've told several people that running the bed and breakfast this year has been kind of like doing performances.  I put on a show.  A good one I think   Don't get me wrong, most times I was feeling great...there were just times that I had to put on a face. 

I'm getting close to the anniversary of Ray's diagnosis.  Just two more months.  I am so nervous about how I will be feeling as that time approaches.  God, I miss him so much!  I can't wait to be with him again one day.  - Jimmy

Do They Help or Hurt?

Well, I did it!  I've made it through the first summer without Ray.  Actually, tomorrow will be the official day, but it's close enough.  I am approaching tomorrow with a lot of fear.  I can feel a build up of emotions within me.  I'm very nervous about how I will be feeling.  I am somewhat sick to my stomach.  After all our guests would leave on Labor Day we would say "they're all gone...we made it through another summer!"  Most Labor Days we would then just veg out and enjoy each other's private company...even skinny dip in the pool (mainly just because we could since no one else was here).  I a going to miss that very much!  I've been doing real good, but tomorrow is going to be a rough day for me once everyone is gone.

Marguerite has been a God-send.  The guests love her and many have said she is a "perfect fit for the Kirby House."  It would have been a tougher sumer for me if she hadn't been here.  The trip to Key West (in 22 days) is one way of saying "thank you" for all her work and support.

Today is a sunny, beautiful day.  Just perfect.  Nice cool breeze.  I have the front door wide open so that fresh air can pass through the house. 

I watched a video of Ray this morning.  It was from about 1992 or 1993.  Sometimes I wonder if having pictures and videos are nice or if it would be better to not have any (like before cameras were invented).  Sometimes I think that having these media options makes it harder to move on.  It's too easy to see and hear your loved one alive and so you want to keep holding on.  I am glad I have them, but I don't know if they help the grieving process or hurt it.

These are my thoughts today.   - Jimmy

A New Life

Where does time go?  I haven't blogged in three days.  It was great spending time with Scott and Mary Ellen.  A lot of time just "hanging out" together and laughing.  Sentimental moments at the cemetery.  They spent three days here so they had a chance to unwind.  Scott went bike riding with Marguerite a couple mornings before breakfast.  Mary Ellen and I shared some of our own sense of humor.  We "click" real good in that area.  They plan to be back in a couple weeks.

It has turned quite cooler here.  In the 60's and low 70's today.  About 20 degrees lower than it has been.  I am actually kind of enjoying it.  It is very windy though. 

All the "regulars" are starting to stagger in.  One by one the house is beginning to fill up with repeat guests.  All eight rooms are booked.  This weekend will be one that feels like a sense of normalcy in my life....other than the BIG fact that Ray is not here.

In my journey I am finding that a new life is starting for me.  Slowly as things change I am seeing this new life.  Different furniture.  Different car.  Changes made to the house.  Experiences without Ray sharing them.  Things done (and planned to do) on my own.  A sense of excitement.  A sense of sadness.  A sense of guilt.  I'm in complete control now and that's scarey. 

Amity is doing better.  Maybe she was just having a "down" day on Monday.  I'm keeping my eye on her and giving her as much love as I can. - Jimmy

I Look Forward To Seeing Them All

Ray's brother and sister-in-law (Scott and Mary Ellen) came in yesterday.  It is so nice to see them.  Scott reminds me so much of Ray it is nice to have him around. 

Last night Marguerite and I went to friends house for a BBQ/Dinner birthday party for Tony.  It was great being around wonderful friends and enjoying good conversations. 

I'm afraid that Amity may be taking a turn for the worse.  She had been eating quite well over the last several months, however this morning she didn't touch her food when I put it out.  Also, she has thrown up about six times already this morning.  I don't know what she could be throwing up as she hasn't even eaten yet.  I will try my best to make sure her last days are pleasant and that she doesn't suffer. 

It's a very, very busy week!  And, the house is FULL this weekend.  All eight rooms completely full.  Everyone is repeat!  YEAH!!!  I look forward to seeing them all.  - Jimmy

A Proper Good-bye

How do I start to explain my thoughts today?  I just went up to the "fourth floor" to give the cats some water.  I looked at the room and saw things Ray had placed there when he cleaned it up last year.  He was trying to make it look more cozy.  Then I thought....how can he be gone?  It is so wierd.  I live my life.  I have accepted his loss, but sometimes it is so unbelievable.  A person so full of life and such a huge part of my life is gone in an instant. 

As I've said before, I am so regretful for taking his presence in my life for granted.  After we were together for so many years I just took for granted the fact that he was there and didn't "REALLY" appreciate everything about him.  It is so easy to do.  I just accepted the false reality that he would be there until we got real old and we were prepared for death.  I will never do that about anybody again.  I'm not saying that I will go around with the thought that everybody around me may die tomorrow, but I won't take people's presence in my life for granted.  I want to appreciate everything about the people in my life.  Why didn't I learn this lesson sooner?  I look at pictures of Ray and just want to be with him one more time.  To say a proper good-bye.  That is impossible I know, but I do know that Ray was a positive influence on my life.  I love him.  - Jimmy

I Guess It Must Really Work

Wow, I've hardly written this week.  It's been a busy week.  Lots of guests, which means lots of room cleaning, breakfast, dishes and laundry.  I had grief counseling this week.  And...I traded in my Mazda 3 for a Ford F-150!  It is the vehicle of my dreams!!  I have wanted this truck for years. 

I've had a good week emotionally.  Last week was a little rough, as you may know from my posts.  However, I was off my anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication for about five days (my fault for not refilling the prescription).  But, I'm back on it and I guess it must really work! 

This week was the first time since January 3 (other than my spring trip with my mom) that I missed a day going to the cemetery.  I knew the day would come that at the end of the day I would realize I had forgotton to go due to being so busy.  That happened twice this week...Monday and Tuesday.  On Thursday I just decided that I didn't feel like going, so I didn't   I talked with my grief counselor about this and what my feelings were about not going.  I'm working through it.  Grief counseling has been a wonderful source of help and encouragement for me.  I am so thankful I decided to go. 

Amity is still stable.  I guess she may be in remission.  Absolutely no changes.  She is still very skinny, but not getting worse. 

I am sitting on the porch as I type in my blog.  It is a beautiful, sunny, breezy day.  Moscow is sitting right next to me on the wicker couch. 

Ray and I would usually make a trip up north to Traverse City and Mackinac Island every year in mid-September.  It was "our" break from the busy summer and time to recharge our batteries.  I just could not do it this year.  Too many memories.  Maybe next year.  However, Marguerite and I are going to go to Key West in September.  Not a bad vacation destination!  I just wanted to go somewhere where I could enjoy the sun and beach.  My guests get to do that here all summer and I wanted a chance to do that.  I know I live in a vacation destination, but it's not the same.  I am always "on call."  So, it will be nice to veg out and do nothing while someone else is taking care of me!  I have a lot planned this fall, winter and spring.  With the Key West trip, Austria in November and the cruise with my mom in March/April I will be quite busy travelling. 

Well, that's my update today.  I miss you Ray!  - Jimmy

My Ray

January 2008 - Onboard Caribbean Princess

Ups and downs in an instant.

That is how I have been feeling lately.  I can be on a complete "high" and then drop in an instant and come close to being right back.  The other night I had the lovely opportunity of being part of a guest's surprise birthday party.  Mark threw an intimate gathering together to surprise his partner Steve for his 47th birthday.   (Steve celebrated his 27th birthday at the Kirby House....well before Ray and I owned it!)  It was so fun to lie to Steve about what was going on in order to make the surprise happen.  I had a fantastic time.  After dinner at Clearbrook we went to their friend's house on Lake Michigan to watch the sunset.  We walked down the steps to the gorgeous beach.  The waves came in reminiscent of any pristine ocean beach.  It hit me like a brick.  It was Ray's dream of owning a home on Lake Michigan.  And I could hear him saying "we could have this one day."  He would have LOVED it!  I just "lost" it.  I had to go for a walk on my own so I could let my tears flow and my heart release itself.  I sat alone on the beach and just cried.  I composed myself and came back to "normal." 

My day went on normal yesterday.  I was looking for some documents when I came across a card from Ray dated December 28, 2009.  The enveloped was addressed to "My James."  I hadn't see it since that day and completely forgot about it.  It was so lovely.  It was a "thank you" card for taking care of him.  He stated that he would "make it up to me" once he got better, "and I will" he wrote.  I can't even believe he thought he had to "make it up to me."  There was nothing that needed to be reciprocated for.  Another time for a cry.  I recovered quickly though...yet again.  I think it's good timing for seeing my grief counselor again on Thursday!  My parent's anniversary. 

I have to believe these moments are moments of healing for me.  Moments of release.  Slowly letting the pain out.  But NEVER letting go of "My Ray."  - Jimmy

Now I'm Just "Jim"

Hello to Patrick - who I met tonight.  It was a pleasure meeting you. 

Patrick lost his partner in April of this year.  He has been reading my blog and understands the feelings he is having are a lot the same as mine.

Marguerite and I went to a fund raiser this evening.  That is where I was introduced to Patrick by my dear friend Philip (from Amity Street).  Philip organized a table for a group of us.  Dinner, music, drinks and dancing.  Also a silent and live auction.  It was done very nicely.  Classy and organized.  However...I felt out of place.  Many, many "locals" were there.  I just felt out of my element.  For 21 years I was defined as "Jim and Ray" or...."Ray and Jim."  Tonight I was "Jim."  I'm uncomfortable walking around as an individual.  It seems odd I know.  But, for 21 years there was this comfort level of having Ray by my side.  We could mingle and if no one was around that we knew we could still chat with each other.  Now what do I do?  Walk around like an idiot by myself.?  Hard to explain.  Very hard to explain.  So I just sat at the table all night until time to go.  It was great to see Nita and Teresa, Michael and Todd, Dave Hulst, Jim and Dave, and of course everyone at my table.  And more of course.  I appreciate all of their kindness.

Well, it is now Sunday morning.  Time for me to lay on the couch and watch the second court hearing on Judge Judy I missed today.  - Jimmy

Visiting Grief

Wiley and me out by the pool.  Picture taken by Marguerite.

As I watched the beginning of the TODAY show this morning I noticed the date, August 20.  I began to think about how much I've gone through over the last seven and eight months.  I decided to look at my blog from Decmeber 20 and January 20.  As I read the December 20 blog (eight months ago today) I broke down.  I cried very hard because at that moment I totally relived that day.  It was a "positive" blog.  Things looked "good."  I had no idea what two weeks later would hold for me.  I forwarded to January 20.  A cold, dreary winter day, the sun trying to peek out.  Again, reliving the moments of seven months ago.  Crying.  I needed the release. 

Sometimes I can't cry anymore.  I want to.  That seems odd.  Conflicting feelings.  I feel bad that when I think of Ray, and miss him, I can't cry.  Why?  Have I become used to the loss of him?  Has the reality fully sunk in?  I guess it's kind of like when you buy a new car.  You can't wait to drive it.  Drive it everywhere.  The excitement of getting in it and showing it off.  Then, after several months, that excitement level goes down and you become used to it.  The thrill is gone.  Am I used to the fact that Ray is no longer here and the emotions have leveled off?  Maybe that is part of the healing process.  The pain is not so strong anymore, but at times I want it to be.  It's odd, because in the beginning I wanted nothing more than the pain to be gone and now I somewhat miss it.  Maybe I feel guilty that I don't feel such pain.  So, today's cry (a pretty heavy personal cry) was needed.

I share these thoughts as somewhat of a release for me.  A log of my feelings, emotions, healing process and daily activities.  I also share them for those who wish to follow along in my journey.  I don't obsess all day about how I feel.  I don't have time.  However, when I am alone and have time to ponder, it is then that I asess how I feel.  I need that.  I need to gauge how I feel each day.  I need to see where I am at and what I need to do. 

I've heard that crying releases toxins from the body.  I don't know if that is true or not, but it was still a great release for me this morning.  - Jimmy

P.S.  Oh, the pictures I got developed were photos I took of guest rooms to scan and put on the web.  BORING!!  Maybe I'll find some more film yet undeveloped.

NFL!?!?

OMG...am I actually watching NFL?!  It is a nice background noise that makes me think of Raymond.

A Psychology Class Experiment?

I'm blogging in one of my favorite spots.  On the wicker couch on the front porch.  It is a beautiful evening and Marg and I are going to have (chicken) Italian sausage with sauteed onions and green pepper, sweet corn on the cob, and spaetzle.  Yummmo!

I ordered shopping bags with the Kirby House logo and website address.  These are the kind of bags you get for the grocery store so you don't have to use those god-aweful plastic bags (which are made with oil).  The bags came today and I thought it would be a good idea to bring 60 of them (with a brochure inside) to the sidewalk sale in Saugatuck and Douglas and pass them out free.  Our experience could have been a project for a psychology class.  At first we said "Would you like a free shopping bag?"  Most responses were "no" and a fast paced walk away.  Hmmmm.  Ok, let's change it to "complimentary" and there were some takers.  Then I changed it to "Would you like a free shopping bag compliments of the Kirby House."  A little more interest.  By the time we got to Saugatuck I changed "shopping bag" to "tote bag" so now the question was "Would you like a free tote bag compliments of the Kirby House."  BAM!  That worked on most.  What we found is that most people seemed to think there was a "catch."  Or maybe they thought we would then try to sell them something or talk about something.  Marguerite approached two ladies and they practically fell down tripping over each other trying to ignor her and change their course of travel.  I think they were probably from Detroit or Chicago and thought "Oh no!  Here is a homeless person asking us for money."  It was an interesting experience and shows how suspicious people are when you are nice to them.  I just thought it would be good advertising.  Even if they never stay here...there were 60 bags on the shoulders of 60 people at the sidewalk sale advertising The Kirby House.  Let's see how many copy me next year. 

I've felt good (emotionally) today.  Tomorrow night Marguerite and I may go to Everyday People Cafe (EPC) and eat appetizers out back and listen to Libby York.  She is an AWESOME jazz singer Ray and I met a few years ago at EPC.  She even came for breakfast one morning.  I got an email from her about the dates she was singing there and tomorrow is one of the nights.  Her website is http://www.libbyyork.com/. 

God bless.  - Jimmy